A little Update

[merrmeade]

...I'm a product of multiple A & my dad didn't do that. He was a great dad, we separated ... the problems my parents had as a couple vs my dad as a father. A are wrong but the OW didn't make your father a bad father, he just was & im sorry for that. My dad chased women but he never let that effect my siblings & I, we were & are extremely close to him.

...

Your experience is your experience & it can hurt but it's only one person's fault in any situation like that...the parent's no one can make them be a ****ty parent that was just them. Your dad took it away from you, no one made him.

I can't quite reconcile your two statements there and have never appreciated this phenomenon in life either. I sort of understand that kids simply don't want to blame one parent or be mad at one and not the other. Instead, you act like your mother shares it. Regardless of whatever else she may have done, she did not make him have those As.

 

It's possible to let her know you have her back (ie, she didn't deserve such treatment without actually 'talking' about it again. Can't tell you exactly how to do that for your mother at this late date. I can say that my adult daughter was the only one who made me feel understood. I don't burden her with it, but when push comes to shove, she doesn't let me be disrespected by family gossip. I can also tell you there's nothing worse than the isolation of a betrayed spouse, whose WS hasn't been exposed.

 

You got it right though in the last paragraph: "... it's only one person's fault"

Edited February 7, 2016 by merrmeade

[Whoknew30]

It matters because she keeps pursuing the OP and won't back off.

 

I don't think 'cares' is exactly the feeling either. I think one way or the other....you'd have an opinion of the person who joined you in hurting someone else.

 

I just get a lot of defending in your posts.....but as an ex OW that's not suprising.

 

The fact is that a person who assists you in doing wrong....such as breaking your vows .....isn't or wasn't a good person at the time. In this case........The OWs potty mouth towards the OPs wife and her breaking NC ....show that she continues to have no respect and shows she's not such a great person to put it mildly......The OP seeing and recognising this......is good realisation on his part. This is the kind of discovery he'd come to with person centered therapy.

 

It takes two to tango.....Both did wrong..but one continues to do wrong.....she's not just sad..but she's pathetic too.

 

Theone - you're doing well .... you've done a lot of self analysis and you've learnt from this. The OW may well have hung on to any negative things you said about your wife (which are often your justification at the time) hence her trash talk. If you said nothing...then you can see her comments come from a place of jealousy as you ended the A.

 

Never stop being grateful and showing your wife that her giving you a second chance was worth it. As much as this is difficult for you...just imagine being the BS.

 

 

How do you get "defending" from simply stating the OW doesn't matter? Who cares if she still does wrong? Honestly, why would you care what OW is doing still in her life?

 

Once again, after the fact of the A. Please answer...why does OW life matter to BS?

[Whoknew30]

I can't quite reconcile your two statements there and have never appreciated this phenomenon in life either. I sort of understand that kids simply don't want to blame one parent or be mad at one and not the other. Instead, you act like your mother shares it. Regardless of whatever else she may have done, she did not make him have those As.

 

It's possible to let her know you have her back (ie, she didn't deserve such treatment without actually 'talking' about it again. Can't tell you exactly how to do that for your mother at this late date. I can say that my adult daughter was the only one who made me feel understood. I don't burden her with it, but when push comes to shove, she doesn't let me be disrespected by family gossip. I can also tell you there's nothing worse than the isolation of a betrayed spouse, whose WS hasn't been exposed.

 

You got it right though in the last paragraph: "... it's only one person's fault"

 

 

 

My mom continued to allow it, after the first time. If you put up with something after one time & you continue to find out, yes I very much think you're part of your own problem with WS. They keep doing it (bc in that situation) the BS is enabling it.

 

I love my parents, glad they worked it out but it would have been understandable if my mom left my dad. I think she should had, for at least a time.

[Liam1]

 

I think there's a more practical reason why OM don't pine on this forum. Accepting that men feel more vulnerable when expressing emotion, why would any OM pine on this forum when the majority of the responses are going to be rehashing how much of a scumbag he is, how he has no one but himself to blame, wishes for all the bad things in life to happen to him, etc.?

 

I think most understand that and are just trying find a way to look themselves in the mirror again. They betrayed themselves and they suffer their loss. They are broken. If reply after reply of essentially, "nana-nana-boo-boo, stick your head in doo doo," it's more practical to keep your bellyaching to yourself and tighten your belt.

 

I am anonymous on this forum. I don't see how anyone would care what others think of them, male or female.

 

The forum is a way to express emotion in a way that no one really sees you doing it.

 

I am just an anonymous person on a message board.

 

IMO, if the men were pining or upset with themselves as I am for having a sleazy affair in the first place, then they would be on this forum releasing emotions anonymously that they are afraid to release in person to people who know who they are.

 

IMO, the majority of the men who had affairs are not here doing that because there are no emotions to release.

 

The affair to them was just sex and when it was over it was over.

 

There are a few men posting here. But far fewer than women.

[OneLov]

IMO, the majority of the men who had affairs are not here doing that because there are no emotions to release.

 

I respectfully disagree. But that's ok. We are both entitled to our opinions. That's what makes this forum great.

[Liam1]

 

I remember during the earlier days of the separation of my parents, I was riding in a bus going home. I didn't know that the daughter of my father's OW is on the same bus. When I was about to disembark, I saw her disembarking first, she ran towards my father. He hugged her, took her luggage, and he looked at me. He just gave me a nod, and off they went to his car, arms draped on her as they walked towards his car, laughing as she is clearly telling how her day went to my dad. This is not his own daughter by the way. It's his step-daughter.

 

I will never forget that pain for the rest of my life. I rationalize it actually. Told myself that hey, I am a guy. I can take a cab to go home. Maybe he did this because she's a girl. But no matter what I do, I know for a fact that my own father chose to play father to someone else's child instead of his own.

 

 

Wow, Rysant:

 

I am so terribly sorry that your father did that to you. How cruel.

 

You sound like an intelligent and good person. You did not deserve that.

 

Try to remember that your father's behavior had NOTHING to do with you.

 

It was he who abandoned his family. He did it for selfish reasons, not because of anything you did. You were just a kid. He was not acting like a good father.

[Liam1]

Bashing the OW makes the BS look so sad... Bc they stayed with their WH let him slide & everytime you cut her down, you just make yourself look bitter...I'm telling watching it my whole life...it's really ugly & sad.

 

 

My wife bashed both me and the OW. And, you know what? We both deserved some bashing.

 

When my OW began stalking again after 3 years, now my wife is only bashing the OW.

 

The OW had another affair, and is still married. The OW's latest OM dumped her, now she is either trying to destroy my wife's self esteem.

 

Why do you think she is doing that, now. Three years later?

 

Do you think she deserves bashing form the wife?

 

And, how does my wife bashing someone who is stalking her and indication of low self esteem on my wife's part?