NC - Having a hard time

[jtc123]

Ex GF as of last night has been texting and calling a lot. I've managed to completely ignore, and have her number blocked now. But she sent an email totally begging for "one last talk" say's she just "wants to understand". I don't think anything I can say will make her understand. She sent a text earlier asking for closure. Same thing.... there is no closure.

 

I know responding to the email totally violates NC and would probably open a can of worms. What I would like to do is essentially write a breakup letter, that I will leave at the house when I go to pack my stuff.

 

Guess I'm mostly struggling with NC? Feel really tempted to try to explain, but I think it would be better done with a letter with the best explanation I can give. She can read as much or as little as she wants, and I can leave it at that while maintaining NC.

 

Thoughts?

[Danielle4678]

As awful as it sounds I would leave it be. At this point there isn't anything you can say that would bring her peace and may actually make her feel worse. You've said yourself that you're not entirely sure why you feel the way you do. Obviously it's entirely up to you. This is a common knee jerk reaction from your ex and as you only split up yesterday she probably isn't ready to hear any deep explanation you might try and give. How are you feeling now that it's done?

[jtc123]

As awful as it sounds I would leave it be. At this point there isn't anything you can say that would bring her peace and may actually make her feel worse. You've said yourself that you're not entirely sure why you feel the way you do. Obviously it's entirely up to you. This is a common knee jerk reaction from your ex and as you only split up yesterday she probably isn't ready to hear any deep explanation you might try and give. How are you feeling now that it's done?

 

Honestly, I mostly feel a lot better today (thanks for asking). I've been talking with my parents a lot and fully realizing after the fact what a screwed up situation it really was. Glad to be past the hardest part.

 

Still feeling pretty melancholy and sad for her. She was totally blindsided, but there really was no other way to do it, without dragging out the inevitable.

 

Lots of lessons learned!

[Brando]

Ex GF as of last night has been texting and calling a lot. I've managed to completely ignore, and have her number blocked now. But she sent an email totally begging for "one last talk" say's she just "wants to understand". I don't think anything I can say will make her understand. She sent a text earlier asking for closure. Same thing.... there is no closure.

 

I know responding to the email totally violates NC and would probably open a can of worms. What I would like to do is essentially write a breakup letter, that I will leave at the house when I go to pack my stuff.

 

Guess I'm mostly struggling with NC? Feel really tempted to try to explain, but I think it would be better done with a letter with the best explanation I can give. She can read as much or as little as she wants, and I can leave it at that while maintaining NC.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

I would let it be. She will read the letter and then have questions about the letter. She will read that thing 100000 times and show it to her friends to see what they think. She will post it on here to see what we think. She will over analyze and drive herself crazy.

 

Please, don't write that letter. Have a friend pick up your stuff or go pick it up and be really quick and cordial. Understand she is hurting and don't stick around if you pick it up. Tell her you are sorry, but you have to do what you think is right. Any reason you give she will have more questions and be seeking closure on the closure on the closure. Don't leave her with a letter to stew in. You did the deed. Get your stuff and leave her alone.

 

My best insight.....

[jtc123]

Okay, no letter. I sort of broke NC just to say I gave my explanation last night, and that the only way for her to get closure is to move on. Maybe a bad idea but I'm done now. Emails set to autodelete from here on out...

[BC1980]

Guess I'm mostly struggling with NC? Feel really tempted to try to explain, but I think it would be better done with a letter with the best explanation I can give. She can read as much or as little as she wants, and I can leave it at that while maintaining NC.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think letters have their place sometimes. She can read it when and if she wants. She can cry alone, so she won't feel embarrassed later on. As someone who lived with my ex and was dumped, I will tell you what I think would have been most helpful to me. I think you should tell her that you would like to go NC because it would be more hurtful for her (and you quite frankly) to maintain contact. Tell her you are not going NC to hurt her, because you dislike her, ect. You just know it's for the best. Most people will understand those reasons, and it's the kindest thing you can do in this circumstance.

 

I would also suggest that you pack your things without her there, or bring someone else. It's a bad idea for the two of you to be alone in the house together because it could turn into another emotional, crying episode that is unnecessary. There's really no nice way to do any of this, but there are less cruel ways. With regards to closure, I would just briefly explain that you can't help her find closure. My ex actually told me that too. He said, "there will never be closure on this because it will always be very sad." I found my own closure over the years.

[jtc123]

I would also suggest that you pack your things without her there, or bring someone else. It's a bad idea for the two of you to be alone in the house together because it could turn into another emotional, crying episode that is unnecessary. There's really no nice way to do any of this, but there are less cruel ways.

 

Strongly insisted that she not be there on Sat. Will have two family members with me.

 

Thanks for the other thoughts. I feel like although a letter might seem like a kind gesture at first, in the long run she would probably agonize over it more than if I just leave it alone... I dunno.

[Danielle4678]

Strongly insisted that she not be there on Sat. Will have two family members with me.

 

Thanks for the other thoughts. I feel like although a letter might seem like a kind gesture at first, in the long run she would probably agonize over it more than if I just leave it alone... I dunno.

 

If I were in her position (and I was 3 months ago) I would agonise over that letter and do everything Brando said. You've said your bit and I'm sure she said hers. There's nothing else you can do at this point. I'm sure she'll make herself scarce on Saturday. Especially if she knows there'll be others there. I made sure to go and collect my things while I knew my ex was at work. Carry on speaking to friends/family as they'll keep you sane. It definitely does get better.

[Brando]

Strongly insisted that she not be there on Sat. Will have two family members with me.

 

Thanks for the other thoughts. I feel like although a letter might seem like a kind gesture at first, in the long run she would probably agonize over it more than if I just leave it alone... I dunno.

 

She will! I mean when I've been dumped I've over analyzed 5 word texts haha. She will disect that letter in 1000 different ways as each emotion passes through, anger, sad, anxious and so on. Just let it be, but probably tell her you are going NC because you think it is healthy for both of you.

[mightycpa]

I think you should have given her the courtesy of answering her questions until she exhausted them. What would it have cost you, really? Dude, I knew this was going to happen.

 

You were so worried about hurting her, and now you're doing exactly that, on purpose. You broke up with her, and it's only natural that she wants to understand (see my previous posts on what you should have done and why), and it really isn't your place to decide if NC is better or worse for her. NC is for you, or it isn't.

 

You may recall I didn't really hold back with you. So here goes:

 

I think what you really think is that NC is better for you and forget about what she wants. We don't know what you said when you broke up, or even if you did it in person. We don't know how forthcoming you were about why, and about how long you've been feeling this way. I understand that ultimately, why is an unanswerable question, but sometimes it's better to give them something to hold onto. For you, it would be owning up to your attraction to that girl at work, and your 6 months of figuring it out on your own. I'm sure she'd appreciate something meaningful to dislike about you right now. Otherwise, she's going to fool herself into thinking that you're just the greatest thing, and it will take weeks and months to remember that you're not. Therefore, I'd suggest you go have that talk with her, and be honest, even if there are things she doesn't want to hear.

 

That said, breaking up is just like anything else. The more you do it, the better you get at it. Just because you're 26 doesn't mean you can't be a rookie.

[jtc123]

I think you should have given her the courtesy of answering her questions until she exhausted them. What would it have cost you, really? Dude, I knew this was going to happen.

 

You were so worried about hurting her, and now you're doing exactly that, on purpose. You broke up with her, and it's only natural that she wants to understand (see my previous posts on what you should have done and why), and it really isn't your place to decide if NC is better or worse for her. NC is for you, or it isn't.

 

You may recall I didn't really hold back with you. So here goes:

 

I think what you really think is that NC is better for you and forget about what she wants. We don't know what you said when you broke up, or even if you did it in person. We don't know how forthcoming you were about why, and about how long you've been feeling this way. I understand that ultimately, why is an unanswerable question, but sometimes it's better to give them something to hold onto. For you, it would be owning up to your attraction to that girl at work, and your 6 months of figuring it out on your own. I'm sure she'd appreciate something meaningful to dislike about you right now. Otherwise, she's going to fool herself into thinking that you're just the greatest thing, and it will take weeks and months to remember that you're not. Therefore, I'd suggest you go have that talk with her, and be honest, even if there are things she doesn't want to hear.

 

That said, breaking up is just like anything else. The more you do it, the better you get at it. Just because you're 26 doesn't mean you can't be a rookie.

 

 

You seem intent on busting my balls for some reason...

 

I knew all along I was going to hurt her, I mean it's a breakup. I was upset because I knew it was coming, not because I was worried about how to avoid hurting her. My goal was to end things adamantly so she can start healing as quickly as possible.

 

I strongly believe based on consensus from my family, friends, and several people on this forum and my own introspection that NC is much healthier than dragging this out. I really don't see how entertaining an endless, pointless conversation of "but why" would help her in any way.

 

I told her that I felt smothered in the relationship, we were at different incompatible stages in life, and I did not want to be in it anymore. That's all she needs to know. "Closure" is a myth, she just wants to explain why I am wrong and why we should get back together. I know the relationship was wrong for me, especially looking back on it now.

 

The girl at work was a crush with which nothing happened whatsover. I haven't seen her since she quit three months ago. It is so inconsequential to this entire situation that it doesn't even merit mentioning. It would do absolutely nothing but make her feel worse.

 

I also feel that blindsiding her with a breakup should be a meaningful enough reason to dislike me right now. I don't think purposely inciting negative emotions is productive at all.

 

I don't quite agree with your general mode of thinking. Inexperienced dumper or not, your opinions violate my sense of emotional intelligence.

 

 

The main thing that went wrong is I put this off waaaay too long. Dragging it out even more is exactly the wrong thing to do, for both of us.

Edited February 4, 2016 by jtc123

[mightycpa]

I also feel that blindsiding her with a breakup should be a meaningful enough reason to dislike me right now. I don't think purposely inciting negative emotions is productive at all.

You'd think so, but the truth is counterintuitive. You breaking up with her out of nowhere actually makes her feel like she needs you even more. Giving her something to dislike would help her detach.

I don't quite agree with your general mode of thinking. Inexperienced dumper or not, your opinions violate my sense of emotional intelligence.

This would be the very same emotional intelligence that led you to this?

The main thing that went wrong is I put this off waaaay too long. Dragging it out even more is exactly the wrong thing to do, for both of us.

That's the trouble with inexperience - it usually leads you to the wrong conclusions.

 

Oh well, good luck to both of you.

[266696687]

You'd think so, but the truth is counterintuitive. You breaking up with her out of nowhere actually makes her feel like she needs you even more. Giving her something to dislike would help her detach.This would be the very same emotional intelligence that led you to this?That's the trouble with inexperience - it usually leads you to the wrong conclusions.

 

Oh well, good luck to both of you.

 

I have to agree here. Dumping her then going strict no contact immediately only benefits you. It doesn't benefit her in anyway.

 

You blindsided her (you said it yourself) and she"s gonna be in a state of emotional distress right now. With questions swirling around in her head. Giving her a three line explanation then completely disappearing without allowing her to digest the information (at least 24-48 hours) is pretty cruel to say the least. She is due at least one conversation post breakup so that she can have her say and discuss the issues you raised once the emotional distress has passed. I think given what you've said here and in your previous thread that you owe her at least that much. Doesn't have to be in person the phone is perfectly acceptable. You can also inform her of your choice to keep NC for both of you. So that you can both move on.

 

If you ignore her now completely after blindsiding her she is gonna end up hating you anyway. Not at first but pretty soon after.

 

Did you breakup with her in person? How did she respond?

 

You didn't mention how you broke up with her? Your post isn't really clear on that. I just hope it was face to face after a four year relationship!

Edited February 5, 2016 by 266696687

[Wewon]

I know responding to the email totally violates NC and would probably open a can of worms. What I would like to do is essentially write a breakup letter, that I will leave at the house when I go to pack my stuff.

 

 

There is a middle ground between a level of compassion for your ex who is going through her own trauma and your maintaining NC without going to her house and risking an unexpected encounter, and that would be to write her one (1) last email detailing any information to her about the break up, complete with a of the usually boilerplate break up info. Also include the fact that you need to move on for your own sake and you would appreciate her respecting that.

 

Then block her email.

[BC1980]

Strongly insisted that she not be there on Sat. Will have two family members with me.

 

Thanks for the other thoughts. I feel like although a letter might seem like a kind gesture at first, in the long run she would probably agonize over it more than if I just leave it alone... I dunno.

 

I'm glad you insisted she not be there. When I went to pack the last of my things, I foolishly refused the offer of a family member who had volunteered to go in my place. It was really a stupid move on my part, but I thought I could handle it. I ended up getting upset again, crying again, trying to ask my ex to explain things again, ect. It's just not necessary for either party and accomplishes nothing.

 

I think that if you send a letter, I would keep it very brief and focus on the need for NC, and I would enforce that you are doing for the good of both of you. I wouldn't get into anything too emotional or long winded, but I think you know that already.

[BC1980]

I strongly believe based on consensus from my family, friends, and several people on this forum and my own introspection that NC is much healthier than dragging this out. I really don't see how entertaining an endless, pointless conversation of "but why" would help her in any way.

 

I told her that I felt smothered in the relationship, we were at different incompatible stages in life, and I did not want to be in it anymore. That's all she needs to know. "Closure" is a myth, she just wants to explain why I am wrong and why we should get back together. I know the relationship was wrong for me, especially looking back on it now.

 

I'm going to go at this from the perspective of someone who was dumped and who had 3 "closure" conversations about WHY. Those conversations only drug things out and didn't help me in the end. Things started getting more confusing and circular. There's often not a black/white, concrete reason. It's usually more about how you feel about the person. You said it yourself. You don't feel as strongly about her as she does about you.

 

I'd also like to know how the breakup went down and how long you talked to her about all of this. Did she get a chance to air out some of her concerns and grievances?

[Wewon]

 

I also feel that blindsiding her with a breakup should be a meaningful enough reason to dislike me right now. I don't think purposely inciting negative emotions is productive at all.

 

 

Don't take this as busting your balls, but if you deliberately blind sided her then that was pretty nasty. The problem with an abrupt ending is that its like giving someone a riddle and then deliberately refusing to give them any answers to it.

 

I don't buy 'closure' either, but there is a big difference between someone that simply refuses to let go and is trying to wear you down and someone that is legitimately trying to figure out where things went sideways.

 

Please don't let a sense of righteousness and a need to avoid an uncomfortable situation allow you to be mean-spirited.

[acoustic]

why did you dump her? there a post to the initial link?

[jtc123]

Yes I broke up with her in person and we talked for maybe an hour. She was shocked, but not as upset initially as I had expected. Some desperate texts and calls from her followed afterward through the night which I did not respond to. Today, we exchanged maybe three emails, and I just sort of reiterated what I said last night, apologizing but saying that I just felt it wasn't right for me and encouraging her to move on.

 

I think I am really mixed up in my head, and all I know is that the relationship wasn't right, mainly because I was smothered - which I expressed to her. I really don't know what more I can say. I don't think I'm being unfair, I'm trying to make a clean break... I dunno.

 

Nights are the hardest because I just dwell on it. I mean is there really any good way to breakup? It took a lot of courage to go through with it, and I feel like I could have done a lot worse...

 

 

I should say too that there were other reasons, such as her letting herself go physically, and not having good financial habits that were contributing factors. I think this would really make her feel terrible to mention so I didn't. I did address the big elephant in the room, which was a total lack of space and independence - something I feel strongly we would not be able to fix. I just needed a fresh start.

Edited February 5, 2016 by jtc123

[266696687]

Yes I broke up with her in person and we talked for maybe an hour. She was shocked, but not as upset initially as I had expected. Some desperate texts and calls from her followed afterward through the night which I did not respond to. Today, we exchanged maybe three emails, and I just sort of reiterated what I said last night, apologizing but saying that I just felt it wasn't right for me and encouraging her to move on.

 

I think I am really mixed up in my head, and all I know is that the relationship wasn't right, mainly because I was smothered - which I expressed to her. I really don't know what more I can say. I don't think I'm being unfair, I'm trying to make a clean break... I dunno.

 

Nights are the hardest because I just dwell on it. I mean is there really any good way to breakup? It took a lot of courage to go through with it, and I feel like I could have done a lot worse...

 

 

I should say too that there were other reasons, such as her letting herself go physically, and not having good financial habits that were contributing factors. I think this would really make her feel terrible to mention so I didn't. I did address the big elephant in the room, which was a total lack of space and independence - something I feel strongly we would not be able to fix. I just needed a fresh start.

 

Yeah there is no good way to breakup. You are always going to hurt the other person no matter what you do. The main thing is to try and be compassionate but firm on your decision. No wavering.

 

I'm glad you followed up by replying to her emails. She did deserve a response. Just be careful now so that you don't get dragged into an ongoing discussion over email. If you haven't already you should let her know you intend to go NC so that you can both move on.

 

It sounds like so far you have done well. Now that you've followed up with her on email and explained clearly your reasons that should be enough.

 

I wouldn't worry about letting her know the other reasons at this point.

[acoustic]

sounds like you gave her the reason then. You are not in the wrong, you gave closure.

[BC1980]

Yes I broke up with her in person and we talked for maybe an hour. She was shocked, but not as upset initially as I had expected. Some desperate texts and calls from her followed afterward through the night which I did not respond to. Today, we exchanged maybe three emails, and I just sort of reiterated what I said last night, apologizing but saying that I just felt it wasn't right for me and encouraging her to move on.

 

I think I am really mixed up in my head, and all I know is that the relationship wasn't right, mainly because I was smothered - which I expressed to her. I really don't know what more I can say. I don't think I'm being unfair, I'm trying to make a clean break... I dunno.

 

Nights are the hardest because I just dwell on it. I mean is there really any good way to breakup? It took a lot of courage to go through with it, and I feel like I could have done a lot worse...

 

 

I should say too that there were other reasons, such as her letting herself go physically, and not having good financial habits that were contributing factors. I think this would really make her feel terrible to mention so I didn't. I did address the big elephant in the room, which was a total lack of space and independence - something I feel strongly we would not be able to fix. I just needed a fresh start.

 

No, there is no good way to breakup up with someone. There will always be one party that is surprised and hurt. I wouldn't give her specific reasons like physical appearance or financial habits because she might think she can change and win you back. I think talking for an hour is enough. You answered her emails, ect. There's nothing more you can do. It really sounds like there was an imbalance of feelings, and, yeah, you can't fix that. It sounds like you did this in the kindest way possible.