Work Travel and Jealousy

[thisisme2]

i need to reach out for some perspective. I am married to a man who is extremely jealous. Early on in our relationship, he probably had reason to be jealous - as I wasn’t 1000 percent committed. But, we are married now and I have told him I am his.

 

The problem is he just can’t seem to believe me. We have had fights where he has threatened divorce and when that happens - I have left for the night…and then come back. He always thinks I am screwing someone when that happens. Of course, that’s not the case.

 

Fast forward to my current issue. I have to travel once or twice a year for work. My employer has a HUGE conference where I have to speak and meet all of our customers. That happens next week.

 

My husband was not okay with me going alone. He took the whole week off work to come along. But, I will be working around the clock. I got him on the volunteer list etc. I tried to get him involved.

 

Since the booking of the trip he’s been ridiculous. He was angry because our flight seats are not together. He moved them..which is fine. But, he was not happy. Then, he is acting insane about the event itself. He is telling me that he is worried that my CEOs won’t be inviting him to come along for our investor dinners (that is possible). He’s said that if that’s the case, I should just tell them to F themselves.

 

Then, I got my CEO on a TV station for an interview about this event. He is adamant that I bring him to this tv station. I said I don’t know. He went nuts and said it’s clear I’m not proud of him and he could not BELIEVE how horrible I am to him.

 

When I told him I will be meeting with our clients all day …and that I will do my best to see him — he said that’s fine “i’ll find things to do, I will go meet people. Men and Women!”

 

I went off the charts angry. I could not believe he was trying to say he was going to meet women because I have to work.

 

He responded by saying…You are going to be meeting with men all day…what’s the difference.

 

I said I got you on this work trip….I am doing everything I can…but I have to WORK…he doesn’t understand why I need to be “so independent”

 

We ended the fight — not well. But today we are okay….but I’m SO nervous. I’m afraid of what he’s going to be like…he is so anxious to be with all my bosses. They are very cliquish….this isn’t just a normal group. These are high profile CEOs…that have to be handled delicately. I make good money because of the way I deal with them.

 

If I told him to stay home…he would NOT be okay. He told me he would be done with me…. I should say that he's basically admitted the problem is that he feels inadequate and insecure. I'm going to be with millionaire CEOs all day...and leaving him "in the closet"

 

Am I too sensitive here? Am I overreacting? I’m just worried about my job and the way he might behave.

[Mr. Lucky]

We ended the fight — not well. But today we are okay….but I’m SO nervous. I’m afraid of what he’s going to be like…he is so anxious to be with all my bosses. They are very cliquish….this isn’t just a normal group. These are high profile CEOs…that have to be handled delicately. I make good money because of the way I deal with them.

 

If I told him to stay home…he would NOT be okay. He told me he would be done with me…. I should say that he's basically admitted the problem is that he feels inadequate and insecure. I'm going to be with millionaire CEOs all day...and leaving him "in the closet"

 

Am I too sensitive here? Am I overreacting? I’m just worried about my job and the way he might behave.

 

I not going try to understand your husband's issues, they seem severe and almost crippling. Is he getting help for his anxiety and insecurity?

 

But, having been around the type of CEO's you describe, any mix of them and your husband is a recipe for disaster. I wouldn't want him in the same city, much less at the same event.

 

It seems your choice is between severe marital discord or job disaster. Picking between them is up to you, but at some point you'll have to address the circumstances putting you in this position. Keep us posted ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Sorry but your husband sounds bonkers. If you continue to allow this behavior you may end up fired because your employer is not going to put up with his antics.

 

 

Make the best of this conference but get MC & anger management counseling for him when you get back.

[thisisme2]

This is absolutely true, Mr. Lucky. I feel paralyzed. I haven't slept in days because I'm SO worried.

 

He is not getting help. He has admitted at times that he needs help but then wakes up like nothing happened and he's just fine.

 

I love him. I understand his jealousy ....to a degree. But, it's off the charts. I am not going to sleep with my bosses! I am trying to keep a good job.

 

I am SO anxious because we leave Sunday for this...and it's going to be full on...

 

He's not one to be quiet. He will walk up to these people and ask them questions about me and our meetings etc. He even accused me of having meeting other men at the office...since i didn't respond within 10 minutes of his text message. He has tried to friend these CEOs and social media and he says the fact they don't friend him back is a sign that i'm "up to no good".

 

I worry that my bosses already KNOW what he's doing...even though I don't think they do. I've kept my mouth shut..but friending them on Social media? Why?

 

He says that I hide him and that the fact that I don't hold his hand proudly and take him to all work dinners etc...is a "sign'

 

He sees my CEOs as a threat. He sees everyone as a threat. To his credit he dangles me like a carrot to ALL of his bosses. He takes me to work events he should not....It' like it's a significance thing...since he says I'm pretty and have a good reputation.

 

But, I say all of this...and he is about to get his contract NOT RENEWED. In 6 months he is without his job....and I think it's because he is acting weird!

[Qboro90]

Wow.... Seriously this is one of the most mind blowing and heart breaking stories I've ever read.

 

Heartbreaking because you are actually allowing your husband to tear down everything you've worked so hard for in your career and don't value yourself enough to realize you deserve SOOO much better and divorce your husband immediately.

 

And believe me, I'm not someone who reads people's threads here then screams "leave him!!" Immediately at all. No one knows the true nature or history of your relationship so usually its beneficial to try and work through hurdles as a couple. Yet your situation is different. Your husband has enslaved you. Are you able to see that?

 

The reasons for his "jealousy" are not even somewhat logical. It would be almost understandable if you had said you cheated on him in the past... Or had a crush on a co worker, or a co worker or CEO has a crush on you and is making advances towards you. You're saying your husband is jealous and needs to be there while you do a freaking power point presentation. WTF!?

 

How could you possibly love this man? What is there to love after he manipulates and controls every moment of your day? When your work day is finished... Do you just come home and act like its your honeymoon? Or is your husband a psycho who is inescapable.

 

You're literally living a life in prison. I also guarantee you that your job, bosses, colleagues and company are fully aware and uncomfortable around your husband. He's being blatantly inquisitive about your work involving other men... Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he's trying to get information out of them. Which unfortunately makes you look bad because it's embarrassing to be married to someone like that.

Why in heavens name would you bring him with you everywhere he says he wants to go with you? If you're smart enough to have a good job like this.. Then why can't you see how nuts what he's doing is?

 

Did you say you husband isn't working right now either? Or will be out of work for 6 months? Listen... You are the one in total control. If you are supporting him financially and paying all the bills, then he should be kissing your ass to make sure you don't leave him and he's stuck with nothing.

 

What are you worried about him leaving you for? I'd be begging him to leave. Run away from this cancer in your life. You'll be ok if you do that. If you don't... Eventually he's either going to cost you your job... Or even worse heaven forbid... Be over taken by jealousy and control and hurt you physically.

[WaitingForBardot]

My wife and I have had many heated discussions in our 30+ years together, sometimes over very important, divisive issues. Not once have either of us threatened to leave or divorce. I had a girlfriend threaten to leave me once and I immediately broke up with her.

 

From you description, your issue is only divisive and important because he is making it so. If you love him and want to stay together you need to draw boundaries right now, which include him not going on business trips with you, and if he violates them, leave. From your description that is the only thing he will understand. I wouldn't hold my breath though...

Edited February 5, 2016 by WaitingForBardot

[thisisme2]

Here is what is scary. He made me lose my last job because he begged me to call in sick all the time to stay home and be with him. I had a TERRIFIC paying job and I lost it and most of my former colleagues think I'm nuts now. I got let go after being employee of the year ...a few years ago....because I was lying about why I needed to be off site so much. (to be with my husband)

 

HE is now about to be fired. His contract is not being renewed because when I got to work out of town etc...HE needs to follow me and he takes off work. He's let his career ago and now paying the price.

 

So now I'm trying to do my best in my new job. I think I'm already raising eyebrows ...but I THINK if I left my husband tomorrow...I would have a solid position. The problem is my continued degradation of my current job and work ethic (because of my husband's demands)

 

Here is my fear as I said above.... I am paralyzed....because I am TERRIFIED that he will cause me to lose my focus while there (picking fights or getting jealous) OR he will be an outright *******. He's capable of that.... He's jealous of my bosses (i see and hear this) so he won't hesitate to snap if someone says anything even remotely cocky.

 

I think it's 80 percent chance that he will do something to hurt my reputation while there... I just hope my performance will overshadow the mess he could deliver.

 

BUT -- if I leave him home -- I know I will be in tears the whole time and a complete mess because he will say we are divorcing. I know most on the outside would say let him go.....but I am so attached to him. He's made sure that we are connected in every level and we don't have a life outside of each other....

 

I don't know what to do...ti's tough. If I told him to stay home....I'd be a wreck and knowing we are divorcing. If I bring him (as planned) I will worry that he's jealous or acting out toward my bosses.

 

How do I get myself out of this pain????

[RySant]

Here is what is scary. He made me lose my last job because he begged me to call in sick all the time to stay home and be with him. I had a TERRIFIC paying job and I lost it and most of my former colleagues think I'm nuts now. I got let go after being employee of the year ...a few years ago....because I was lying about why I needed to be off site so much. (to be with my husband)

 

If I don't work on my issues, I think if I have my first relationship, I'll be like you husband )

 

Have you tried talking to him one-one-one, heart to heart? Obviously, he has SEVERE abandonment and insecurity issues. I thought mine was severe. Did he come from a broken family? Did he have a cheating GF or wife before? Did he experience severe heartbreak before?

 

I understand his pain so much. A LOT. But yes, this is NOT healthy. He should learn to trust you and give you space.

 

I suggest force him to counselling.

[thisisme2]

yes we have definitely had conversations. They almost always erupt into wars. He tells me that I'm unstable and "impossible" to talk to ...because when he yells...or gaslights me...I start to cry.

 

He has made it very clear that he doesn't listen to pretty much anything I say UNLESS he thinks I will leave him. One night he said he was done with me...so I grabbed my purse and ran for the door. THAT got his attention.

 

I am constantly begging him to stop talking about the possibility of divorce or leaving me .... or vice versa. He says he thinks I will eave him.... and that's his biggest fear because I have attempted to before. I told him the reason I leave is because he threatens our relationship! It's cyclical and not healthy...that is killing me.

[RySant]

The question is, do you still love this guy? Do you wanna work this out?

 

Because if you do, give him an ultimatum. Make him get help, or you'll help yourself out the door.

[Babs22]

thisisme,

I am sorry but your marriage sounds very unhealthy. It sounds awful and I really am not sure why you stay. Are you codependent on each other? I cannot believe you have already lost one job because you would take days off to spend at home with your husband.???? I mean how old is he that you need to stay home because he cannot be alone. There is nothing normal about that. And now he is about to lose his job because he keeps taking time off work to be with you. It sounds sooooo dysfunctional. If you don't have kids, I have no idea why you would stay with a man like this.

 

"..but I am so attached to him. He's made sure that we are connected in every level and we don't have a life outside of each other...."

 

This quote proves that it is unhealthy....... "we don't have a life outside of each other"??????? Pretty soon if you both loose your jobs that is exactly all you will have. I hope you can survive on that.