[Affair recently ended] with much younger man

[ChickiePops]

"All you are doing is making excuses not to do the right thing after you have done and are still doing the wrong things "

 

 

Who is Soul to judge this and determine what is right and what is wrong?

 

 

There are just so many experts here.

 

 

Here's another:

 

 

"That being the case then you have not repented of your sin because repent means to "to turn from evil, and to turn to the good."

 

Your sin of adultery is evil but God says that"

 

 

- Blunt

 

 

 

 

And I didn't even have to search. Just a quick browse and they jumped right out.

 

I don't think you understand what self righteous means...

 

OP IS making excuses. Adultery IS wrong..it hurts innocent people. But again, a self-righteous person would be claiming innocence in everything. I don't see that anywhere. I see lots of advice, some judgment..no self righteousness.

 

And I am an atheist so that religious stuff is nonsense to me.

 

OP has done damage to her family. If her daughter finds out, the damage could be irreparable.

[OneLov]

We're all self-righteous. I mean, the purpose of this forum is to ask questions or start a topic with the intent for others to comment on. People advocate their beliefs or provide answers because they believe that is what should be done. So by definition, we are all self-righteous.

 

So what's wrong with being self-righteous in the context of this forum's guidelines?

 

(See I'm being self-righteous because I'm implying that my opinion is correct and those that differ from it are incorrect)

[SoulStorm]

"All you are doing is making excuses not to do the right thing after you have done and are still doing the wrong things "

 

 

Who is Soul to judge this and determine what is right and what is wrong?

 

 

There are just so many experts here.

 

 

Here's another:

 

 

"That being the case then you have not repented of your sin because repent means to "to turn from evil, and to turn to the good."

 

Your sin of adultery is evil but God says that"

 

 

- Blunt

 

 

 

 

And I didn't even have to search. Just a quick browse and they jumped right out.

 

Then you are judging me for judging her. If I believe in God that's my prerogative. Just as you may not, that's also your prerogative. I have not once debated your view. Yet you seem to have to challenge those who have views that refer to biblical scripture The OP has the choice to either listen to my advice or discard it. I stand by what I posted

[road]

Everyone go take a cold shower the OP has left the building.

[thummper]

She's gone because nobody (much) will support her adulterous affair. She says it's over and she'll go back to being the good wife she's always been. I call BS. If boy toy so much as crooked his finger at her, she'd shed her panties in a heartbeat and hop right back in bed with him.

[Montsan]

She's gone because nobody (much) will support her adulterous affair. She says it's over and she'll go back to being the good wife she's always been. I call BS. If boy toy so much as crooked his finger at her, she'd shed her panties in a heartbeat and hop right back in bed with him.

 

I think it would be great if he does and she does.

[scorpio16]

I have remorse and I love him. But it's done. As for the young man..... He is a player. But also spiritual. But I think it just got old for him so he used conscience as reason for ending it. Whatever his reason, I'm relieved because I'm weak when it comes to him and probably wouldn't have ended it.

But I met with a realtor yesterday and we are listing the house

We signed a lease for a rental and my husband and I did a lot of taking over weekend. I tried to express to him what I see as problems in the marriage and that if things can't be worked out we can easily split . I love my husband. You can have mixed emotions about a person you've been with 25 years

It's not black and white. I have no desire to be single and have other partners

 

This was the most bizarre scenario I ever could've imagined

I wouldn't ever even go to lunch with male co workers

Never flirty. It happened . I can leap out my new apartment window on 27 floor or try to heal my marriage and at the right time..... Tell my husband.

I don't see the need to tell my kids.

 

I've been as open with them as possible

They may even have suspicions that something happened.

 

My reason for this forum is confession.

 

I'm not a monster or a permiscous woman

 

I did the dumbest craziest most wreckless act repeatedly for 7 months

The young man may tell but I do not believe so

As much as he is a player in his age group, he's been respectful and compassionate with me

 

Thanks for the advice

[spanz1]

I have remorse

 

 

 

My reason for this forum is confession.

 

I'm not a monster or a permiscous woman

 

I did the dumbest craziest most wreckless act repeatedly for 7 months

 

 

well ok then. You learned a good lesson...that even if you are super horny and craving attention....it eventually comes back and bugs you enough that you wish it did not happen.

 

 

So, remember that. Next time some guy flirts with you, show him your wedding ring and walk away.

 

 

And you DO owe your husband a lot. I am not saying you have to tell him about this, that is up to you. BUT you had better start working with renewed vigor on your marriage and sex life with him. He may not know why, but he deserves a lot of love and sex from you, at least for the next 7 months.

[ShatteredLady]

OP you say, "I don't see the need to tell my kids." oh my goodness! I couldn't agree more!!

 

What's happened, has happened & I hope for your sake that you can heal your yourself & your marriage & move on with your life.

 

I would NEVER usually advise this but if I were you I'd be making sure that there isn't any incriminating evidence anywhere. For the sake of your kids, particularly your daughter, PLEASE don't keep any little trinkets, delete photographs (even 'innocent' looking ones), make sure ALL communication has been deleted....

 

My H didn't realize that the computer would occasionally switch which email address it was on. He had a secret account & deleted everything but there were times he mailed her from our family account & she just hit "reply".

 

Once you've 'cleaned-up' the best you can all you can hope is that he takes this to his grave. For the sake of your family I hope that he does.

 

Usually I advocate honesty but this has the potential to be be permanently life altering devastation for your little girl. I truly hope that she NEVER even suspects....

[Mrs. John Adams]

her "little" girl...is the SAME age as her boy toy....they know each other

Her son is 24......we are talking about adults here.

 

If her boy toy was old enough to f==k...her daughter is old enough to know what her mom has done for the past 7 months.

 

and to hide this whole thing from her husband....nope...nada

 

a 7 month affair is a long time.....and this man has a right to know what his wife has done....

 

She is emotionally attached to this boy......

[GorillaTheater]

I think it would be great if he does and she does.

 

 

Why is it that I think this post is more about your sexual satisfaction by proxy than anything meant to help the OP?

[ShatteredLady]

If my Mum told me now, as an adult, I could handle it. It would upset me but it wouldn't fundamentally change me as a person.

 

I know legally a 17/18 year old can be considered an adult. I'm thinking of me at that age. No matter what I believed at the time I was far from being a grown-up. I was with my first real boyfriend. They were very much my formative years.

 

Some people truly believe it's ok, even 'awesome!' for an adult man or woman in their 50's to be having sex with girls or boys that age. I don't. I know the arguments. I just don't feel that way.

 

Even if she were single when they were having their 'relationship' I wouldn't approve.

 

I believe that telling her daughter at this age will be life altering in many bad ways....made WORSE by the fact he's a classmate of her age.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

The young man may tell but I do not believe so

As much as he is a player in his age group, he's been respectful and compassionate with me

 

Do you really believe that this teenage "player" isn't going to brag about his "conquest"?! It was with a classmate's mom, which is even a bigger deal for someone in HS. It is like a Penthouse Forum letter coming to life.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Betrayed&Stayed

[Mrs. John Adams]

And what if she finds out? Is it better than mom told her or boy toy spreads the gossip?

 

I was married at age 18.. For a year.

 

Maybe mommy should have thought about screwing a boy her daughters age before she did it.

 

Look ... I feel terribly bad for this woman... She has ruined her life...

There is no recovering from this at age 54. She can still have a good life... But this she will carry the rest of her days...

I had my affair at age 27... I am 60..I still carry the burden.

 

You don't have a 7 month affair with a boy your daughters age and get by Scott free.

 

That is reality.

 

Not telling... Benefits her.. No one else

[scorpio16]

I agree with spanzi1. This is much more complex than anyone not in my shoes could understand

 

Some people are mistaking what happened here. It was not about being "horny"

Yes the sex was beyond anything I ever had or could've imagined

 

But telling my family will only cause my husband to go to the young mans house and do something insane out of anger and hurt ego

It could put him in jail

 

And I don't want any other man of an open marriage as some have suggested

I want my husband and it can be worked out. We had an actual sex life and still do so I don't have to make up for 7 months as was suggested

 

I am not making excuses

I was overwhelmed by many many things and pressures in my life

This "kid" came along and was quite pursuasive and I was foolish and irresponsible to respond

What started out as harmless flattery just evolved

I had told few of my girlfriends because o honestly thought it was funny and they were like "you go girl". Totally my fault but it started out as "innocent" fun

 

He is an amazing young man. Truly beautiful and I was like a school girl with an out of control crush

Yet when i was with my husband I put my friend out of my mind

 

I do fear being punished by God but I can't confess this to my family because that scares me more

Throughout the 7 months I was just as devoted as ever

It was when I was alone that I literally ached for "him"

His mom is only 33 and his grandmother 53. I feared them finding out as well

I tired every week to end it

We became kind of addicted to each other

He's moved on and I want him to be happy.

I do believe he will not tell anyone and fiche does I believe he will not mention my name

Edited February 9, 2016 by scorpio16

[Mrs. John Adams]

My grandson is 18... If I found out he was porking a woman Close to my age.... After I vomited.. I would go after her.

 

Do you understand if his family finds out ... They will ruin you?

 

For the sake of everyone involved... Fess up

[thummper]

I hope for everyone's concern that this "kid" just disappears and doesn't somehow inadvertently leak this whole thing to your daughter. I can't even imagine the pain from that fallout! I do wish you well, OP. My only advice is to stay away from young men. Believe it or not, women of your age group are tremendously tempting to younger men. They're aware of the fact that, sexually speaking, you know "what's up." (Sorry about the inadvertent pun.) To bed one of them is a real trophy!

[scorpio16]

It's done. I can't un do it. When I was 18 a 40 year old man asked me out and my mom was pushing me. She said the older the better he'll treat you I wasn't interested

 

I don't have the habit of being around young men. I work with quite a few and never for a split second did I ever think any thoughts whatsoever

 

In my stupid mind, I thought it was a dead end go nowhere ever fling so it lessened its severity

I'd tell myself anything just to see him

 

And when we were together and listening to music or taking or whatever, brother of us was aware of the age if the other

 

I know it's incredibly weird and wrong

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

For the record, I personally do not feel that you need to admit this to your adult children. . . It causes more heartache then needed, and you have not betrayed their trust they way you have your husbands. . .

 

Much much more strongly, I do feel that you ABSOLUTELY MUST admit a physical affair to your husband. Without this, you will never truly heal (both individually, and as a couple). I am sure many individuals do not admit these things to their spouses, but alas, many many marriage do not last. . .

 

I get that is probably the hardest thing in the world to even conceive in your mind. Admitting this to your husband. Without the admission, it is only natural that the things you have done wrong will (directly or indirectly) become the downfall of your marriage. Seek individual therapy in an effort to correctly align your thoughts process. . .

 

In my opinion this secret (if kept from your husband) is like a cancer that will slowly kill your marriage. The only treatment is exposing the affair and using all of the tools available to overcome it. . .

[Clay]

The truth of it is your husband will find out some day. When that day comes for you its going to be painful. The longer you wait and the more you trickle truth him the worse its going to be for you.

 

Hopefully you saved some money up for your lawyer. Your going to need it.

 

Good luck

[scorpio16]

The real problem in my marriage is that my husbands priorities for the past 20 years has been the house

He's extremely best and fussy and basically obsessss over it

 

After my fling began. I confronted my husband about it. We have pool in yard. Totally private

I'd ask him to sit with me and he'd be doing some chore

I told him I felt lonely and almost had a fling with an 18 yr old boy and he just said "are you crazy"?

I tried to express how sad I was. We went to Dubai for 25 anniversary right before the fling and we barley spoke. Had gorgeous suite but never held hands

I in the sun tanning and he under umbrella with a book

Hardly romantic. Ok I had put on some weight but I always went to gym, dressed nice. I became invisible to him

 

My own kids have said "why are you guys together? Dads kind a grumpy old man and you're so young"

I go to concerts , roller coasters, host bug Halloween party every year

My husband criticizes everything j like

Can't even watch the waking dead

But.... That being said he's a good men in many ways and a good lover we go out to dinner 2 nights a week

Always have. He wants me to dress a certain way and he's dressing more and more like a fuddy duddy

 

My kids would be repulsed if they learned of the sex with the young man but I don't think they'd be shocked

I pray he keeps his word. It wouldn't make him look too good either so i believe him

He's had absolutely stunning girlfriends

I'd ask him "why are you here with me"

And he'd answer " I like being with you".

 

It's too late

 

Have to pray

[scorpio16]

If he divorced me over this then so be it

I have often tried to imagine if he had done this to me. I'd wonder why? I'd forgive though. If he wanted to work it out

[Mrs. John Adams]

Everything you just posted...

 

is an excuse for your behavior.

 

I don't care what kind of arsehole your husband is...he did not deserve what you have done.

 

If you were so unhappy then you should have left and divorced him.

 

You are going to do exactly what you want to do.

You are going to validate every choice you make.

 

But you have no idea at the lives you have destroyed....because you are still all about you.

 

When you decide to stop being selfish....when you decide to do what is best for everyone else...not what is the "easiest" for you

 

You will finally be on the road to recovery.

[M1ke12]

The real problem in my marriage is that my husbands priorities for the past 20 years has been the house

He's extremely best and fussy and basically obsessss over it

 

After my fling began. I confronted my husband about it. We have pool in yard. Totally private

I'd ask him to sit with me and he'd be doing some chore

I told him I felt lonely and almost had a fling with an 18 yr old boy and he just said "are you crazy"?

I tried to express how sad I was. We went to Dubai for 25 anniversary right before the fling and we barley spoke. Had gorgeous suite but never held hands

I in the sun tanning and he under umbrella with a book

Hardly romantic. Ok I had put on some weight but I always went to gym, dressed nice. I became invisible to him

 

My own kids have said "why are you guys together? Dads kind a grumpy old man and you're so young"

I go to concerts , roller coasters, host bug Halloween party every year

My husband criticizes everything j like

Can't even watch the waking dead

But.... That being said he's a good men in many ways and a good lover we go out to dinner 2 nights a week

Always have. He wants me to dress a certain way and he's dressing more and more like a fuddy duddy

 

My kids would be repulsed if they learned of the sex with the young man but I don't think they'd be shocked

I pray he keeps his word. It wouldn't make him look too good either so i believe him

He's had absolutely stunning girlfriends

I'd ask him "why are you here with me"

And he'd answer " I like being with you".

 

It's too late

 

Have to pray

So please proceed cautiously here. When I had an EA 7 years into my marriage I made every excuse in the book about why I did it. So much of it was fabrication! My wife recently had an affair and started putting our relationship under a microscope too......she sees it now too.

 

Please be careful....you are your own worst enemy right now and you might be telling yourself BS lies. REALLY think hard about that. I mean it.

 

If it is true, get out of your marriage yourself. Don't need to wait for him.

 

But you better make damn sure your not fabricating this stuff. Or you will only regret it later.

 

And who wants to die with regrets right?

 

Mike

[M1ke12]

or.....

 

Tell him you did it. Maybe he can change.

 

I do know that I am capable and learning about life all the time. My major focus at age 45 is improving....me.