[Affair recently ended] with much younger man

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ok a little bit of reality.

 

How many male posters here have been with a much older woman when they were 18 - 21?

 

More than you think. The notion that this doesnt happens is a lie. Older woman have had young lovers forever. I was 18 and she was 41. And a few of my friends did too. If you were worth your salt, you could pull it off. It wasnt hard. And rarely were you denied. Or had to buy dinner. Hey, just saying.

 

The difference is that Jackie wasnt married.

 

Married women were off limits for one simple reason. You didn't want you ass kicked. Or shot from where I come from. 54 may be older, but tbh, Would I do the last woman I was dating (who is close to 50) if she was willing and i was say, 18 - 21?

 

Probaly. She is defiantly doable (unfortunately, not likable)

 

Thats a fact and all of us guys know it. Some of you (for the sake of argument, single) ladies would not. But many would. Sex is for the most part is fun and hopefully good.

 

Does she deserve to be 2x4 for being a cheater. Yep she does. And everyone knows she will pay a horrible price soon.

 

But if she were single, would this really be a issue? I would be a liar and a hypocrite (and I have been) if I were to say that it would be.

 

If you are male and 18 - 25, you want the vagina...badly, and a milf will do just fine, and truth be told, sometimes sexualy better. (Usually there isnt this ridiculous "l Iove" him, thing)

 

Sorry, but hey. You know. ...

 

Not sure why this is important. Guess it is what a 2 beer buzz will do. Fare warning, OP

 

If the op was single....her business is her business. She's not...she's married with kids who know the AP.

 

She says she wants a reality shock.

 

Reality is....she can't keep this in her heart.....because her secret will be told.

 

Reality check....then what happens? If she is willing to take that risk...go for it.

[renny]

I've read through your entire post, and Mentally, you are still obsessed with this young man. If he called you and wanted to meet up, you'd be there in a heart beat. I'll bet the only time you smile is when you think about the time you and him spent together. Probably the only time you feel alive. You certainly don't with your husband. Yes, you may love your husband, but you're not "in love" with him. You're staying primarily so not to wreck your family. This is no way to live. I feel sorry for you because your stuck. Mentally stuck in a 7 month fantasy that was never going to last, physically stuck in a marrage that you're not happy in. Tough situation to be in. You never had to be though. You should have left your husband a LONG time ago. Who knows where you'd be now? Perhaps with someone that makes you feel every day, like your affair made you feel in a few short months.

[scorpio16]

The sole purpose of being on this forum for me is to get it off my chest and hear life experience advice from others

 

I someone wants to stone me, if it makes them feel better fine

 

I have been 100 % for my husband for 25 years

This "affair" began after our anniversary and I never intended for it to become an affair

 

It evolved and it happened. Not once while with him did I feel the difference in our age.

 

When I thought about it I shook my head in disbelief

 

I have to protect him but it's my family I am looking out for most because as I've said, I know my husband will go after him for his ego

 

I do love my husband and I adore my kids. I devoted my whole life to my family

 

I'm not making excuses at all. What I did was horrible because I'm married. This "boy" knew very well what he was doing and has acted like an adult

 

I have tried to stop it but was very weak. I may be a psychopath who know?

I do love him though and wouldn't ever want to harm him.

 

I convinced myself it wasn't a real "affair" because he's so young and nothing could ever possibly come of it. I know it's wrong. I'm really not so afraid of being thrown out of my house or disowned by my family. I think it could be talked out. But I do seriously fear my husbands actions and the effect on the "boy" and my family

 

You're all entitled to your opinions but as I've said before. It's not so cut and dry.

[MuddyFootprints]

You are still enveloped in the fog of your affair. Yes, it was an affair.

 

When things come out, it won't be just a matter of talking things out. It will be about proving yourself to your family. Regardless of whether you can make things right with your husband, you will be making it up to your kids even more.

 

It will be about hearing and accepting your children's disgust and disappointment, both with you and with your husband. Not just for a day, a week, or a year. It will be every time either of you try to stand your ground with them. You'll have lost their respect completely.

 

Be prepared.

 

You might want to consult an IC at this point.

 

Do a lot of reading.

[stillafool]

TBH I just don't know how you are going to enjoy sex with your husband after you've been with a highly virile 18 year old. Isn't this a problem?

[Mrs. John Adams]

until you become honest with yourself...you cannot become honest with anyone else.

 

when you fully realize the ramifications of what you have done....you will read what you have written here and then understand what every person here has tried to tell you.

 

You may be one of those people...who never understands...and if you are nothing any of us can say or do will change your mind.

 

You justify everything you do....you have an excuse...a reason..

 

You blame your husband for your elicit behavior.....and this is totally and completely on you. You made every choice....you told every lie.....

You are responsible.

 

But you don't yet see it or accept it. You are even lying to yourself about your relationship with this boy. He used you for a piece of ass....no more...no less

 

You made yourself available to him and he used you....and now he is finished with you. I am willing to bet you...the entire time you were banging him...he had other women. You have fooled yourself into thinking he cared...he didn't.

He did not care about your husband or your kids....hell... most likely it was quite an ego trip for him....he banged another guys wife. He disrespected your family.

 

and now you sit and defend him...you protect him from your mean old husband....you love him...sex was amazing with him...

 

You truly need therapy....my fear is it may not do any good because you are living in a fantasy and i don't think reality has sunk in.

 

Please read books....join more forums.....see a therapist

 

You truly need all the help you can get. My hope is...that by coming here...maybe it was your first step into reality...maybe...just maybe something someone has said here will sink in and get through that fog you are in.

[scorpio16]

I know he didn't care, he wanted the sex. We had a fully mutual understanding of what it was. And yes he had girls. I didn't care. I had sex and still have great sex with my husband. I don't think of the "ym" when I'm

With my husband sexually. But of course the passion isn't the same. As j said earlier, my h do doesn't like to kiss. I've tried because I think it's a crucial part of the passion. The "ym" got me back to kissing. Someone said how will I enjoy sex now after the "ym". Not gonna lie.... It was crazy and intense. I was shocked and became quickly addicted. I know he had / has no feelings for me. He ended it because it probably got old and he wants to move on. I'm fully able to accept that but my feelings for him as of now are strong. I'm trying to forget him.

 

I love my husband and am willing to do whatever it takes to work it all the problems that in my mind made me unhappy enough to do something I never imagined I could be capable of.

 

Selling the house that has consumed my "h" time for past 20 years first step

2nd is an apt

 

We will try to make our marriage truly happy again

 

I'll tell my family on my death bed

[MuddyFootprints]

Just leave your diary in your love chest.

 

I'm sure your kids will recreate the next generation's great romance story.

[scorpio16]

I will admit that having been very depressed for about a year and being basically invisible to my h for a while and stress at home.......having spent many nights after a long day at work, that when the "boy toy" as people call him....confronted me and complimented me (bull**** mostly).....I was very flattered and as the weeks went on and he texted me in the morning or in the middle of the day or in the middle of the night......I was excited. For the first time in YEARS......and we met and just talked for few hours the first I me and I coculdn't take my eyes off him. He is so handsome. tan skin, incredible build, thick black long hair, and beautiful facial features. Including luscious lips. Pierced ears, tattoos......etc.....It was very very hard to look the other way.

 

I have mixed emotions. Regret? Maybe. But I do beleive he brought a lot of good out of me and as odd as it seems...ultimately he may be responsible for saving my marriage. Because of him, I took a look at my marriage and and I looked at how unhappy I was.

 

It's a whole new experience to me to air my dirty luandry in public.

 

Good night.

[MJJean]

When DH was 17, he had an affair with a 37 year old married woman. When he was 23 he had a summer long affair with his best friends mother, who was divorced.

 

In both cases, he was fond of the older women, but not interested in a relationship with them beyond the sex. And, in both cases, the family has never found out.

 

The OM is off at college and wasn't part of the OP's daughters social circle. Realistically, it's not that likely the family will hear about it through the grapevine, although it is possible.

 

OP, if you want to work on your marriage, work on your marriage. To do that, I think, will require honesty on your part.

 

First, you aren't in love with the OM. You are jacked up on hormones and in lust with a likable young man. The effects of the hormones will fade with time. Meanwhile, understand that you aren't in love and start changing your thinking.

 

Second, stop obsessing. When you think of OM, deliberately stop thinking of him and replace the thought with a similar one about your husband. Eventually, you will think of OM less and less and think of your husband more and more.

 

Third, truly consider being honest with your husband. I understand why you'd want to take this to your grave, but do you think you can repair your marriage without your husband having the chance to understand what happened, how bad things between you got, and what you've been feeling/going through?

[dreamingoftigers]

I actually don't think she will end up exposed because its ended.

 

But I find it bizarre that a 54 year-old woman doesn't seem to have any sense of personal responsibility.

 

The whole "it just happened" mentality is very beneath this stage of life.

 

I can only think that she's been very well taken care of in life and doesn't appreciate any of it.

 

The key to resolving loneliness is NOT to become emotionally and sexually involved with an outside party.

 

Scorpio16, why can you not raise your concerns with your husband and follow-through on them? If not, I can only see a series of entitled excuses. And a next affair. And a next....

[aliveagain]

I know he didn't care, he wanted the sex. We had a fully mutual understanding of what it was. And yes he had girls. I didn't care. I had sex and still have great sex with my husband. I don't think of the "ym" when I'm

With my husband sexually. But of course the passion isn't the same. As j said earlier, my h do doesn't like to kiss. I've tried because I think it's a crucial part of the passion. The "ym" got me back to kissing. Someone said how will I enjoy sex now after the "ym". Not gonna lie.... It was crazy and intense. I was shocked and became quickly addicted. I know he had / has no feelings for me. He ended it because it probably got old and he wants to move on. I'm fully able to accept that but my feelings for him as of now are strong. I'm trying to forget him.

 

I love my husband and am willing to do whatever it takes to work it all the problems that in my mind made me unhappy enough to do something I never imagined I could be capable of.

 

Selling the house that has consumed my "h" time for past 20 years first step

2nd is an apt

 

We will try to make our marriage truly happy again

 

I'll tell my family on my death bed

 

 

 

As it is very common that women outlive men, are you saying you will never tell your husband? Did you have sex with the young man in your home? Are you wanting to sell the house because you defiled your husbands sanctuary by having sex with the 18 year old, was it in his own bed?

[thummper]

Now that is an interesting question. I would hope she thought enough of her husband NOT to defile their own home, particularly the marital bed.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She has been screwing a boy young enough to be her son....somehow I don't think where she did it is really going to make much difference to her husband when he finds out.

 

When her husband finds out.....and I believe he will....she may not only need to fear for her boy toy lover. She might have to fear for herself.

 

The thing about this situation that bothers me to my core is this....she seems to have no sorrow...no remorse for what she has done to her husband. Her loyalties are to the boy toy who used her.....not to the man who has stood by her side for 25 years and supported her.

 

Maybe the sorrow will come later....but somehow I don't think she gets it.

 

She will take it to her death bed....she will never try to right the wrong....she will never face reality. She is still living her fantasy....even if only in her mind.

 

I feel sorry for her in a way....and I can sympathize.....we all think we can run from our past ...until it catches up with us one way or the other.

 

Her day will come......and then what?

[Cephalopod]

 

I may be a psychopath who know?

 

 

The term is "Sociopath". And yes, it is quite possible you are one. You are definitely a selfish narcissist.

 

 

By the way, where was all this "concern" for this boy's safety and welfare when you were using him for your pleasure? Your need for hot sex and ego kibbles obviously outweighed that.

Edited February 12, 2016 by Cephalopod

[bigman1]

Been reading and I'm perplexed. What exactly is your goal?

 

psychopaths or sociopaths don't usually post in forums about coping with infidelity, so your posts and recent statements seem at odds.

 

Next, you seem "concerned" about your husband's reaction and feelings, and also concerned about your paramours interests. Again, your posts are inconsistent. Please explain.

 

Finally, we are left with the impression that an 18 year old kid would bang, repeatedly, an old woman. Sorry, but at 54 you are way past milf territory and into grandma territory for an 18 year old. Not many 18 year old washboard abs can have any woman or teen girl he wants guys are gonna be up for the repeat business. Something is amiss.

 

In any event, my question is why are you posting, in light of your most recent posts? I'm not saying don't post, please do it and often, I just don't get it.

[ShatteredLady]

The OP has said that she's brand new to forums "airing her dirty laundry". I think it's natural human behavior for many to get defensive when attacked. I know! What did she expect?!? I'm quite impressed that she HAS stuck around.

 

Sometimes it takes people longer to truly be open. If she couldn't care less she wouldn't be here.

 

The only way I can try to process things like this is putting myself in the other persons position. If I was the OP this would be eating me alive. I'd be hurting & guilty but still working out the lies I'd convinced myself of to continue a 7 month long affair.

 

 

My driving instructor when I was 17 was 'that' local woman. She'd been divorced for a much younger woman (even as a teen I could see you didn't need to be a shrink to get her behavior) she made her house the local hang-out spot for teens (Not my kind of group) where she had alcohol & pot. She was in her 40's & I know she had sex with some of 'those' guys.

 

She was screwed-up & hurting. I never told my Dad that she tried to get me to hang-out at her house. He would of hit the roof...as any 'normal' parent would.

 

I don't know. I think she wants help but doesn't know what kind of help. Maybe just talking about it is the first step.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I do agree that she wants help of some kind.... But I wonder if what she wants is validation and to be told everything will be ok?

 

Big man....I gotta agree with you... I keep looking at my grandson and thinking ok......why would he screw someone like me? Especially if he knew I was married and had a child his age. This boy has a grandmother the age of his lover....sorry.. I don't care how beautiful she is....

 

And here's the other part I don't get...I look at my grandson...who is a very good looking young man...but he is a child....he is immature...he has a girlfriend his age who is leaps and bounds more mature than he is.

 

I just cannot fathom why a young man would want an overweight 54 year old woman......

 

Of course...I guess there are men that will hit anything....

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by scorpio16

as inconceivable as it seems, I do love the young man. And I do trust him. I don't lose sleep worrying about him telling or extorting $$

I will always love him. And he says he had the most amazing time of his life and learned a lot about life from me.

 

regrets? my conscience does but my heart does not.

 

thank you !

 

 

 

Scorpio

A healthy and desirable husband with a good self-respect would never take back a woman that rejects and replaces him awhile she stills loves and trust another man. You have taken the boy-toy that you betrayed your family for and given him what was only for your husband. You are adding the final nails to your marriage coffin because you will not give up your sex desires, emotional attachment, and great adoration that you have for the boy-toy.

 

 

 

Based on your attitudes, emotions, and actions, why would you now expect your husband to adore you? Why would you expect your husband to cherish you? Why would you expect your husband to love you, respect you, and trust you? Your extremely desirable boy-toy is not going to ever be with you to fulfill you.

 

 

If you live to what the average American woman lives, around 30 more years, and you keep your current attitudes and emotions for your boy-toy, you will never even get close to having the fulfilled relationship that you seek.

 

 

You can get better than you are now but only if you change a WHOLE LOT in attitude, emotions, and actions. STOP your fantasy and get all the help that you can and make the changes that will change you from the destructive position that you are now in.

[S2B]

With no remorse and no conscience and a husband who doesn't meet your needs:

 

You are ripe for more affairs.

[spanz1]

With no remorse and no conscience and a husband who doesn't meet your needs:

 

You are ripe for more affairs.

 

 

 

I think Scorpio's posts show a LOT of remorse. And it sounds like she DOES want to work on her marriage so that both of their needs are met. so where does this "ripe for more affairs" crap come from?

[scorpio16]

I am selling the house because we have been planning on doing so for years. Our plan was when our daughter goes to college to get an apt. For an easier life as the big old house consumes all of our free time.

 

As for being "taken care of" no. I've worked my whole life and can take care of myself. I do have a conscience and awareness of my act. And no it was not in my bed although my husband has not been sleeping in it for the most part for months. Due to his snoring.

 

We are trying to work things out.

 

I see no reason to cause heartbreak or violence by telling my family which in turn will end up causing the "ym" family to know.

 

It is between he and I. We have no more contact. I miss him and will always remember him but I want him to move on and be with young girls as I told him all along.

 

I was selfish no doubt. But I'm human.

 

As for my H. I am doing everything as I had all along to make our marriage happy. He needs to be on board though.

 

He believes the apt. Life will lift a lot of weight off his shoulders and he will be relaxed and maybe then things will be better.

 

If not. After lease is up we go our separate ways.

[S2B]

I think Scorpio's posts show a LOT of remorse. And it sounds like she DOES want to work on her marriage so that both of their needs are met. so where does this "ripe for more affairs" crap come from?

 

It stems from liking the attention from the younger man and not getting any attention and affection from her husband.

 

 

Saying you're doing everything to work in the marriage - but with holding the truth about what has happened - is not doing "everything" to fix the marriage.

 

What happens when the next guy comes along and pays attention to you? You think you'll say no to him?

[scorpio16]

There are a few things i need to clarify

First when I say I "love" the boy toy as he's been referred

I mean he's special to me. He's not a little dirtbag who wanted to bang a married woman. I'm a notch on his belt and he a notch on mine. It's true that I'm old enough to be his grandmother. It boggled my mind that he wanted me. But he did. It wasn't the kind of sex some imagine .... It was truly passionate and at the moment I would've given anything for it. It's wrong and it's over

 

As for other affairs ? No. I never looked at another man before and won't now. My husband is good and deserves my love and fidelity but first we need to make a lot of changes. I'm. Not on this panel to bash my husband or justify my behavior

 

As for being an overweight older women. I'm not trying to be conceited but I'm in better shape than most 20 year olds at my gym. I've never cut my hair short and I color it and I dress very well. I've always kept myself In shape. Had to or my husband would've left me as he warned he would.

 

Whatever. Attractive or not. I'm wayyyy too old for this boy toy. Every time we met I felt sick. I was no nervous I was shaking. My heart felt like I was having a heart attack. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. And yes he is beautiful .....

 

When I was his age I would've melted in his arms

 

Another point for the men: you think I was just used for his pleasure? It was 100 % mutual.

 

If I got divorced I would never be with someone that young again.

 

I would never remarry as I can support myself and if I can't grow old with my h than I'm on my own

 

I've adored my h and gave 100% of myself

 

He did not do the same

Both my kids see it and encourage me to seek happiness with someone else but no one walks in another's shoes and feels what they do

 

Sociopath? Psychopath ?

 

Maybe

Edited February 13, 2016 by scorpio16

[aliveagain]

Well you convinced me, your right, you deserved the affair and what your husband doesn't know is good for the marriage. Your a keeper, I see that now. Hope my comment helps you with the image you have of yourself. At least you've now said you didn't bang the kid in your husbands bed, you haven't said you haven't in your house. The reason I keep bringing it up is to see what degree you took your betrayal of your husband/family to. Keeping your nasty little secret isn't going to fix any of your problems. You need some very professional help.