[Affair recently ended] with much younger man

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am still having trouble wrapping my head around this whole story. I realize those of us who cheat have some real issues.....but to compound that with what i feel is borderline child molestation....just freaks me out....maybe because i am close to the age of this woman and i have a grandson the age of her boy toy.

 

and I will also admit...that her sudden...."I see the light" i have blocked him....somehow doesn't feel right to me.

 

Sometimes you have a gut feeling....and this thread ...gives me that feeling.

[66Charger]

My gut feeling is this is a excuse or a exit affair. He has shown her the light. The husband isnt amazing/boring/unattentive etc.. If the husband chooses to divorce "so be it"

 

And what is the worse that her husband has done other than the usual "lack of validation"? Care to much about the house? Really? Thats it? The same house that now he is willing to sell and use the proceeds for your retirement?

 

She is getting ready to blindside him, AFTER HE SELLS the one thing that was supposed to help them live their lives in comfort. The " I am just not happy" is ready for a entrance. All the excuses are lined up. She is packing. (Literally)The decit here is obvious, no matter what she writes, the train is barrelling down full speed and the STBXH is naively standing in the tracks, packing the house happily.

 

Wow.

 

There is no shame.

[ChickiePops]

OP..what would you tell your 18 year old daughter if you found out she was sleeping with a 50-something married man?

[merrmeade]

... to compound that with what i feel is borderline child molestation....just freaks me out....maybe because i am close to the age of this woman and i have a grandson the age of her boy toy.

Exactly. It makes me want to cry. We're supposed to do our best to save them from their self-destructive tendencies, not excuse ourselves for joining them. She gives all the same excuses a pedophile gives, convincing herself he felt the same as she did. I never realized before that a pedophile is actually still a child, but now I do.

[road]

My gut feeling is this is a excuse or a exit affair. He has shown her the light. The husband isnt amazing/boring/unattentive etc.. If the husband chooses to divorce "so be it"

 

And what is the worse that her husband has done other than the usual "lack of validation"? Care to much about the house? Really? Thats it? The same house that now he is willing to sell and use the proceeds for your retirement?

 

She is getting ready to blindside him, AFTER HE SELLS the one thing that was supposed to help them live their lives in comfort. The " I am just not happy" is ready for a entrance. All the excuses are lined up. She is packing. (Literally)The decit here is obvious, no matter what she writes, the train is barrelling down full speed and the STBXH is naively standing in the tracks, packing the house happily.

 

Wow.

 

There is no shame.

 

 

I have felt the same as you. This WW is setting up the play to unfold where she will divorce her BH and leave him without his house and the ability to never get another one. All to fund her own retirement.

[scorpio16]

First off he is not a boy toy. He's a young man who turned 19 in November and he considers himself a man. I do not need any one to validate our friendship or my marriage. I'm on this forum as all of you as imperfect Human beings. I have no "disirder". I had an affair and fell in love. It was 8 months of blocking him, not answering him but the human won the battle.

 

As for the house and packing and the getting ready to leave theory ..... You're clearly talking from a past experience.

 

I am doing my best to end it and although I chose to write my story here.... It's not anyone's right to pass professional psychological diagnosis unless you are a psychologist and even then you do not know me.

 

Child molestor absolutely not.

 

My daughter wouldn't be "screwing" a man 54 years old. She has a wonderful boyfriend and she's very bright as doing fabulously in college and I've raised both my kids with morals and values and love

 

Teacher, preacher, it doesn't give you the right to be vulgar or say things that could push someone who may possibly be unstable for all you know to the breaking point. I am not unstable so no harm done.

 

Some of you have given very real and sincere hard truth advice but some of you are clearly dealing with your own very complex problems and possibly very poorly so you are deriving pleasure from bashing someone you do NOT know

 

Frankly, not a concern to me at all. I've been an unselfish mom, wife, daughter and friend my whole life. I'm a professional person who visits my mom in the nursing home and prepares home cooked meals and do animal rescue

 

Not that I need to explain who I am to you or that I'm insulted in any way because truthfully I am not.

 

I understand people sometimes can't deal with things outside their comfort zone

 

Yes he's young and you can say all I taught him was sex but frankly he taught me. However I helped him apply to college and advised him on staying away from bad kids, drugs and have been a great support to him.

Yes I should've blocked him but I didn't

 

I do love my husband and we will work out our marriage

 

Thanks for the great advice

I wish oh all luck and I suspect many of you need it as well as I do.

Edited February 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GorillaTheater]

My daughter wouldn't be "screwing" a man 54 years old. She has a wonderful boyfriend and she's very bright as doing fabulously in college and I've raised both my kids with morals and values and love.

 

 

You understand what you're saying about yourself by implication, right?

[scorpio16]

one wrong doesn't ruin a lifetime of doing right. Everyone adores my daughter and she's a wonderful young lady. I'm proud of her and the job I've done raising her but you think whatever you wish. I know who I am and I'm comfortable in my skin and am at peace with the choice I made to stop something because the young man has been texting me that he regretted ending it and misses our talks and yes sex and i said it has stop. I blocked him. Late yes but I did.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My daughter wouldn't be "screwing" a man 54 years old. She has a wonderful boyfriend and she's very bright as doing fabulously in college and I've raised both my kids with morals and values and love

 

I bet the mother of your boy toy/man...says the same thing.

 

I might also remind you...that you have a wonderful husband....and I am guessing you are very bright...and were raised with morals and values and love...and you met and screwed an 18 year old boy for 7 months behind your husbands back.....and even fell in love.

 

I too was raised with morals and values and love.....and I cheated

 

So you see....being raised with morals and values and love doesn't mean your daughter will not follow in your footsteps. I am not saying she will...I am saying she could. I hope she doesn't....because as you know....what you have done....what i have done....is a horrible thing.

The choices you and i made....hurt other people....people that did not deserve to be treated the way we treated them.

 

You of course will go to your grave with you disgusting secret...and I confessed mine...because it was the right thing to do. I accepted my responsibility...and I was ready to accept the consequences of my behavior.

 

You however....will continue to live a lie...you will pretend to be the perfect wife to a man you no longer love.....all the while thinking of and yearning for a young man....whose mother believes her son wouldn't be "screwing" a woman 54 years old.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

If I was in the OP's shoes, I would have a very very very hard time even thinking about admitting my indiscretions to my spouse. . . that said, I hopefully (probably?) would have of course admitted my shortcomings to my wife before pursuing physical relations outside of my marriage.

 

Some simple principals come to mind that are embodied in this (originally from Mother Teresa):

 

 

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

 

If you are kind,

people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

 

If you are successful,

you will win some false friends and some true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

 

If you are honest and frank,

people may cheat you.

Be honest and frank anyway.

 

What you spend years building,

someone could destroy overnight.

Build anyway.

 

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

 

The good you do today,

people will often forget tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

 

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough.

Give the best you've got anyway.

 

You see,

in the final analysis it is between you and God;

it was never between you and them anyway.

 

 

 

I believe that the universe WILL pay you back for all the deeds you do, good or bad, directly or indirectly. Spiritually, one can ponder deeply and understand that continuing to live a lie, even though the physical affair may no longer be active, will continue to have the burden on your shoulders. Admission of mistakes, as tough as the consequences may be, will, without question, bring a better long term result and positivity in your life, as opposed to continuing to live under the cloud of untruth.

 

There are natural laws that are much much beyond our own comprehension that have power and ability again FAR BEYOND our comprehension. IE, you may end up feeling that you made a grave mistake admitting your affair, feeling that life is not worth living, being alone and feeling destitute. But it turns out to be the darkest could in your life that has the lining containing the finest sliver. . . that could be in a form beyond what you can even perceive.

 

Or, much more simply stated "The truth shall set you free!"

 

I am officially done with my preachy soapbox, but alas, I do not apologize for it, as it was likely written to give someone meaning today!

[Mrs. John Adams]

wow!!! that was really good....and I appreciate it .....thank you She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Try]

We became I guess addicted to having sex together

 

It's really hard to explain or for me to fully understand

It is not hard to explain. It is normal to feel this way about a new love interest. Scientists think that three main neurotransmitters are involved in this new love stage; adrenaline, dopamine (is like cocaine), and serotonin. The brain produces less and less of these drugs over approximately 7 years as the relationship matures, as other bonding drugs take over. Thus there is nothing an existing long term spouse can do to make you feel the way a new love can. This is why serial cheaters are addicted to cheating. They keep wanting to get that new love high.

 

I used to think we had a "happy marriage" cuz we went to a nice restaurant 2 nights a week. I always got dressed up and loved the alone time.

The fact that your husband dates you and gives you alone time two nights, and is willing to sell the house and move to an apartment for you because you do not like him spending so much time working around the house, puts him way above most husbands that are out there. Your lack of being happy is you trying to rationalize your cheating on him. This is normal as you think of yourself as a good person, and need to shift some of the blame onto your husband so you can look yourself in the mirror. The truth is that no one is perfect, yet as a cheater you judge him against a standard of perfection because you want him to fail so you can blame shift the reason for your cheating onto him.

 

Here is a fact. At your age, your husband will have a much easier time finding someone else long term to grow old with than you will. That is because for men it is much easier to find a woman at 50 than it was at 20, and it is the reverse for women. He just does not know this yet. Should he divorce you over your cheating, he will be shocked at all of the women that will throw themselves at him including many of your friends. I have seen this happen many many times.

 

Here is another fact. If your husband finds out on his own, rather than you telling him in a controlled environment as you point out that you are coming forward on your own because you truly feel remorse for your cheating, the odds that he will divorce you are much higher than if you told him. Think about telling him or this will be a ticking time bomb in the back of your head. Also, the older that you get the less options you will have in finding someone else, so if this is going to end up in a divorce, it is better that it be sooner rather than later.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Try

[thummper]

Perhaps she won't be quite so smug if he finds someone else while she still yearns for boy toy (and , yes, at 18 he's still a "boy toy.") She'll be left alone and heartbroken, and hubby will be enjoying the fruits of single life. Karma indeed.

[scorpio16]

Honestly I don't know how you're so confident about your statements. If my Daighter dated and fell in love with a married man 54 years old id be devastated. Yes. And my young mans mom would be appalled and probably seek my arrest and if that was the outcome I accept it.

 

You have no real foundation for saying my wonderful husband just as another said I'm taking all the money. That's not me. I never said j didn't love my husband . To the contrary I love him more than he loves me. I would tell him if I thought he wouldn't take it to a physical level of retraction. I know him and I am ultimately protecting him. I had surgery in November to remove a cancerous mass that was ultimately discovered as a result of my affair and I wrote a letter to my h telling him everything in the event I got very sick shd died. I have it ready to send when the time comes.

 

Honestly ..... The young man is just gorgeous and it was incredibly flattering that he desired ME... Plain and simple

 

Call me what you wish

I'm not you

My kids will not inevitably follow in my footsteps

If they do than they will have a happy, successful, exciting life and maybe will NOT have amazing sex with someone 3 times their age

 

I can't be responsible for every choice they make but I know I've been a great mother and you know nothing about that

 

I never spent time with my lover that should've been with my family. I never took time away from my h or kids and if happened about 15 times and not in my bed.

John I appreciate your time And your outlook

Don't know how or why you cheated I only know how I Did

Wish you the best

Edited February 19, 2016 by scorpio16

[masoj3k]

I wrote a letter to my h telling him everything in the event I got very sick shd died. I have it ready to send when the time comes.

 

Am I alone in thinking this is extremely selfish and hurtful. If your plan is not to tell your H, then don't tell after when you are on your deathbed or after you are dead. All that does is trying to get yourself easy forgiveness with absolutely no recourse for your H emotionally when he receives that letter. In that event, all you are doing is causing more pain.

 

I am of the camp that you need to be truthful with your H but doing so at the timing you suggest is just taking the cowards way out to avoid seeing the hurt your H will suffer when he finds out the truth about your betrayal.

Edited February 19, 2016 by masoj3k

[ShatteredLady]

I know you're having an incredibly hard time here. Let's be honest, to an outsider this is so 'weird'. To one who has never been there, a regular Mum, it's 'strange'.

 

The thing is, if you'd been having an affair with a 50 year old guy you would get a similar beating at the start but because so many of us are parents, even grandparents it's all the more shocking. Thing is, you're appearing very blasé at times. I think this is your defensiveness.

 

I have no doubt that the OM has been greatly effected by this experience. Maybe he was never going to experience the joy of romance, young love, discovering eachother...maybe he was already a messed-up player. You are complicit.

 

Usually here we say, "You are the one here speaking help" but your defensiveness makes you appear like you don't want or need help but I believe that you do. I think you're sad & guilty & confused. I think every 'bash' has been made. It's getting old.

 

What do you truly want?

 

Can we move on? Obviously A's are horrific. An A with a 17 (?) when it started is even worse. I don't think there's a judgement left that hasn't been made several times.

 

My understanding is that you want to move on. Build a better, stronger relationship with your H. Is this true? Should we be helping you achieve that?

 

You have tremendous strengths in your M. At this point in the fog to say that your H is great in bed says a lot!! Part of living an A is justifying the behavior. Part of the justification is finding fault with your H. Do you want to focus on how to 'fix' the marriage you've dedicated most of your adult life too?

 

If that's true, at some point you've got to face why, in your 50's, you repeatedly mention your sex appeal. The clothes you wear. How old you look & act. Your weight, your body. It sucks!! Age catches us eventually. I'm not picturing you as a lady who's aging gracefully. I believe that the foundation of this mess lies here....

 

Is this an extreme mid life crisis?

[ChickiePops]

Am I alone in thinking this is extremely selfish and hurtful. If your plan is not to tell your H, then don't tell after when you are on your deathbed or after you are dead. All that does is trying to get yourself easy forgiveness with absolutely no recourse for your H emotionally when he receives that letter. In that event, all you are doing is causing more pain.

 

I am of the camp that you need to be truthful with your H but doing so at the timing you suggest is just taking the cowards way out to avoid seeing the hurt your H will suffer when he finds out the truth about your betrayal.

 

 

I agree. Telling him on your deathbed is incredibly cruel and selfish. You would be forcing him to live with the knowledge of your affair without any kind of outlet. He would be so hurt and angry and he would never be able to tell you how he feels or ask you any questions. You'd be condemning him to a life of frustration and hatred towards you.

 

Please..if you're not going to tell, don't tell. Just don't send that letter. It's so cruel.

[Mr Blunt]

By Scorpio

I had an affair and fell in love

.

Abusing the word love is done often and causes great pain. The abuse maybe because of ignorance or a rationalization for violations of decency but the great damage it does is the same. Scorpio, I know that all people have weaknesses and I am not trying to make you out to be an unredeemable trash woman because you are not. However, if you do not get the right attitude and understanding of love and then apply more of love’s criteria than just emotional relief, emotional spikes, and sex, you will be in for a whole lot more misery in relationships.

 

Scorpio, I cannot count the times you have stated in this thread how you love your affair partner. I think that you truly believe that you are in love with the teenager that you had sex with. I think that you not knowing all the aspects of love are extremely harmful. You base your love with the teenager by explaining all the excitements and feelings that you have had with your man-boy. That is your incomplete and damaging basses for love.

 

 

Deep pleasurable emotions and sex are very much a part of love and can keep the relationship at a fever pitch. Everyone wants those pleasurable emotions and sex. However, that is not the entire criteria for love and will not keep a relationship from being greatly damaging to both partners. There are other criteria for love and some of them are faithfulness, loyalty, commitment, honoring others, and not self-seeking. Those criteria can keep a relationship from being severely damaged. Every long term marriage is going to have hurts but betrayal does severe damage and changes some things permanently.

 

 

You have damaged your relationship with your husband and/or yourself permanently in some areas. For one, your husband or affair partner will never trust you 100%, and will not adore you to a very high degree in the area of loyalty. However, you can make things a lot better and in some other areas you probably can even make better than before.

 

 

With your own words in this thread you have explained how the so called love you say that you have for the man-boy is such a tainted love. Here listed below are a few of your own words that prove your so called love is lacking and damaged:

 

By Scorpio

I have been tormented by the guilt and confusion.

before we would meet, often times i was sick. a nervous wreck.

I know what I've done is wrong and immoral and incomprehensible

I am ashamed

I broke my vow and a commandment

I made a horrible mistake

I guess as stupid and "sinful" as it was, I convinced myself it wasn't a real "affair" because of his age

I do fear being punished by God

Scorpio, can’t you see that your emotional spikes with your affair partner has produced the great pains that you described above? Do you see what you have done is to mix the emotional good feelings with great violations of the foundations of love? Do you want to change that?

 

You can get a lot better but you have to change your body, mind, emotions, and spirit. You need some wisdom and some actions or your life is not going to get any better and may even get worse. You are not trash and have the possibility to get your life in much better shape. Your children will need a mother that is in better shape than you are now because a child will need his mother for his/her entire life.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[whichwayisup]

Am I alone in thinking this is extremely selfish and hurtful. If your plan is not to tell your H, then don't tell after when you are on your deathbed or after you are dead. All that does is trying to get yourself easy forgiveness with absolutely no recourse for your H emotionally when he receives that letter. In that event, all you are doing is causing more pain.

 

I am of the camp that you need to be truthful with your H but doing so at the timing you suggest is just taking the cowards way out to avoid seeing the hurt your H will suffer when he finds out the truth about your betrayal.

 

Yup this is pretty messed up. You dump it on him and can't answer anything once you're dead, leaving his world turned upside down, full of pain and confusion. IF you aren't planning on telling, this includes NOT telling on your death bed. That's unfair and cruel to do to him and will seriously f him up and make him feel like your whole marriage has been a sham and a lie.

[Running Man]

To the contrary I love him more than he loves me. I would tell him if I thought he wouldn't take it to a physical level of retraction. I know him and I am ultimately protecting him. I had surgery in November to remove a cancerous mass that was ultimately discovered as a result of my affair and I wrote a letter to my h telling him everything in the event I got very sick shd died. I have it ready to send when the time comes.

 

So at what point are you leading by example in teaching your children morals and values? You are being a blatant Hypocrite and a Coward. Is this the reward your "Loving Husband" deserves?

 

You cheated with a kid you claimed to have mentorerd

[Running Man]

To the contrary I love him more than he loves me. I would tell him if I thought he wouldn't take it to a physical level of retraction. I know him and I am ultimately protecting him. I had surgery in November to remove a cancerous mass that was ultimately discovered as a result of my affair and I wrote a letter to my h telling him everything in the event I got very sick shd died. I have it ready to send when the time comes.

 

So at what point are you leading by example in teaching your children morals and values? You are being a blatant Hypocrite and a Coward. Your not protecting your husband, your protecting yourself from the consequences stabbing him in the back with betrayal.

 

I wont post again in this thread, but some people need a verbal smack in the face and take a sniff of there own bull!@#T that they convinced themselves to be flowers. Snap out of it Lady.

[merrmeade]

Don't take my word for it. There is a great deal of research being done on changes in late adolescence. This is from a Harvard study:

 

Changes in emotional capacity, including improvements in affective modulation and discrimination of emotional cues, are also seen during adolescence. Functional imaging studies using cognitive and affective challenges have shown that frontal cortical networks undergo developmental changes in processing. In summary, brain regions that underlie attention, reward evaluation, affective discrimination, response inhibition and goal-directed behavior undergo structural and functional re-organization throughout late childhood and early adulthood. (Deborah Yurgelun-Todd,

Abstract)

)

 

So their experience together, rather than making him more of an adult, pretty much underscored developmentally backwards behavior in both, i.e., attention seeking and inability to delay reward, discriminate appropriate emotional expression or make long-term commitments.

 

A different expert, who works with in adolescents between 16 and 24, uses these findings to highlight marks of maturity in a well-adjusted adolescent's transition to adulthood, e.g.:

He says "A mature person ...

1. ... is able to keep long-term commitments.

2. ... is unshaken by flattery or criticism.

3. ... possesses a spirit of humility.

4. ...’s decisions are based on character not feelings.

5. ... expresses gratitude consistently.

6. ... knows how to prioritize others before themselves.

7. ... seeks wisdom before acting."

Don't think consistent gratitude for sex would count for #6, but I do think that they're both on the childhood side of maturity.

[road]

You have no real foundation for saying my wonderful husband just as another said I'm taking all the money. That's not me. I never said j didn't love my husband . To the contrary I love him more than he loves me. I would tell him if I thought he wouldn't take it to a physical level of retraction. I know him and I am ultimately protecting him. I had surgery in November to remove a cancerous mass that was ultimately discovered as a result of my affair and I wrote a letter to my h telling him everything in the event I got very sick shd died. I have it ready to send when the time comes.

 

<snip>

 

 

Does the OP know how cruel to do this to her BH? Left with a letter and no way to have a show down with his betrayer. For him to realize that his life that he lived during his golden years was all a lie.

 

 

If you are going to tell him then, do him a favor and tell him now. Let him make the decision on how he wants to salvage his life.

Edited February 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Prune quote

[bigman1]

I must chime in that I don't buy that you are protecting your 18 year old muscular AP from your 54 or older husband. That makes no sense at all.

 

You have described your husband on one hand as this feckless, self absorbed man who is fixated and held captive by this house and on the other hand he is this raging dude who will harm your lover on the other hand, your lover is a really muscular 18 year old Adonis who would crush your husband.

 

NO.

[William]

Folks, this is too much for me to clean up right now so I banned a few folks or moderated them to stop the spewing of vitriol and we'll deal with it later. My apologies to the thread starter for letting this go. My advice is, in the future, if there is a future, alert moderation to suspected violations of our guidelines. Thread closed.