[Affair recently ended] with much younger man

[scorpio16]

Thank you for your advice.

The young man is in college now and I believe he's been totally secretive however I've always know the risk of him telling

I only worry about my daughter in this

They were not friends

Just went to same school

 

I'm trying to work out my marriage but it's much more complex than sex fling with an 18 year old

 

I do love him and will take it to my grave

 

I do appreciate the input

 

It's a crazy situation. This forum is helping me face the hardcore truth because while the affair was going on I didn't consider the risks

Was caught up

I told myself he was harmless cuz could never amount to anything

Edited February 5, 2016 by scorpio16

[scorpio16]

New to forum

What does OP mean ?

[harrybrown]

original poster, you.

 

Please tell your H. do not keep this secret.

 

He will find out from someone else.

[Chi townD]

My husband and both kids know about my young lover. They think we're friends. Oddly we were good friends. I've had a lot of stress with my son and my friends helped with that.

As for std's I was tested. Got an IUD to fully enjoy the exierience.

 

 

 

 

Ugh...Then they DON'T know about you and this guy. Because they DO believe that you were ONLY friends. So, OF COURSE they only thought you were friends! YOU'RE 36 YEARS OLDER THAN HE IS!!!!!

 

 

I think you better come clean, because when your daughter finds out (and believe me, she will!) You're going to, not only lose your marriage, but you're going to lose her too!

[sammy7111]

Glad I'm not your kid or husband. Do you have any idea the damage your kids will be in when they find out you where screwing someone there own age

[Spectre]

Everything said is 100% true

I am fully aware that this young man has zero feelings for me. I always knew that. I'm just torn about the effect this has on my marriage. My husband isn't a victim exactly. Our marriage is not exactly typically traditional. But that being said I needed to get this off my chest and need to hear the hard truth from people and can't talk to anyone.

 

What does this even mean? Your marriage isn't traditional? If you had some type of open marriage there would be no need to keep this from him or post it on an infidelity forum so I'm guessing..as non-traditional as your marriage might be the "do not bang other people" idea is still in full swing.

 

I will never tell my husband or my kids the truth about my "friendship". I let the young man go. I wouldn't try to keep it going.

 

Just trying to accept my responsibility and accountability and make the right choices going forward

 

Okay so you are apparently an adult so help me out. How do you feel you can accept responsibility for something you do not tell your husband about? In what magical world does accepting responsibility equate to admitting to wrong doing online, but not to your husband?

 

Serious question: why do you feel you have the right to lie to this man and cause him to live a lie? Did he do something to you? Kill your favorite pet? What did he do to deserve to be made a fool like this?

[scorpio16]

S2B can't go to jail

Legal age is 17 in my state

[GorillaTheater]

S2B can't go to jail

Legal age is 17 in my state

 

So you only have the civil courts to worry about, and not the criminal court system.

 

 

That's probably a relief.

[scorpio16]

I know I come across as trash because of what I've done

But I have been a supportive and loving wife for 25 years

As ft my young ex lover. I was to him as well

 

Ironically men have been known to have affairs with much younger women and it's accepted. This young man had s great time and he pursued it

 

I should have blocked him and never spoken to him again but I'm human

 

As for civil courts ?

 

My husband said one night over the summer "whatever you've been doing or who with keep it up you look great .... "

I was shocked

I've told him many times that I'm lonely and I love him

He neve says it back

[GorillaTheater]

I know I come across as trash because of what I've done

But I have been a supportive and loving wife for 25 years

As ft my young ex lover. I was to him as well

 

Ironically men have been known to have affairs with much younger women and it's accepted. This young man had s great time and he pursued it

 

I should have blocked him and never spoken to him again but I'm human

 

As for civil courts ?

 

My husband said one night over the summer "whatever you've been doing or who with keep it up you look great .... "

I was shocked

I've told him many times that I'm lonely and I love him

He neve says it back

 

 

He sounds like a lousy husband. You know there's nothing stopping you from divorcing him and leading whatever life you want to lead, right?

[scorpio16]

I can but I love him and I think the affair made me realize how unhappy we both were, how distinctional my family became and I want to fight for it

 

When I was pregnant with my daughter my husband spent months flying back and forth to south beach looking for an apartment

 

I don't know what he did there and didn't question it we had a marriage of trust

 

Now that I've done what I did I've wondered about those many visits to south beach and questioned my husband

The response is that was so long ago

 

My ex lover texted me today for first time in 10 days. To see how I am. I told him I'm sick over this out of worry about him telling people

I only worry for my daughter

 

He assured me he would never.

I have to hope he's being honest

 

I could tell my husband but he'll just think it was a dirty sexual game not that I could've possibly loved him

It's definitely my daughter in concerned about

[OneLov]

OP,

 

I really really hope this guy is the upstanding man you say he is for your daughter's sake. I'm sorry for your pain, but you have to understand how much of a precarious situation you are in. So even if he does not intend to tell now, you tipped your hand to a favorable extortion dynamic if he so chooses -- the point is you've placed yourself in a very vulnerable position.

 

You're future is predicated upon the sworn promise of an appeased 19 year-old boy. That should concern you.

 

Except you can control your fate. Get over your fear if you're so over your husband.

[scorpio16]

it's so odd to me that i'm revealing my most secret and shameful act on line like this. I have many good friends and have a full time job and talk to people all day long but this is something I can't bring myself to talk about. I've considered therapy because I question my frame of mind for allowing myself to get into this mess.

 

my young friend is a threat. no doubt. He can try to extort money from me through blackmailing me. but I seriously doubt that. he was caring. I offered him money on numerous occasions and bought him xmas and bday gifts and he didn't even want them. he's not a bad person. he's very intelligent and charming and funny and although a previous person can't believe it, he's an amazing lover. however, I never let him do anything to me. Yes we had intercourse many times but I would push him away if he tried to do anything else. and it was very difficult for me. before we would meet, often times i was sick. a nervous wreck. I would tremble when he kissed me and felt like I'd have a heart attack.

 

I appreciate your time. you're not attacking me like I'm trash. I made a horrible mistake. honestly, one I do not regret.

[road]

I know I come across as trash because of what I've done

But I have been a supportive and loving wife for 25 years

As ft my young ex lover. I was to him as well

 

Ironically men have been known to have affairs with much younger women and it's accepted. This young man had s great time and he pursued it

 

I should have blocked him and never spoken to him again but I'm human

 

As for civil courts ?

 

My husband said one night over the summer "whatever you've been doing or who with keep it up you look great .... "

I was shocked

I've told him many times that I'm lonely and I love him

He neve says it back

 

 

The problem is not that the OM was young. The problem is that you had an OM. His age is just a detail.

[scorpio16]

Tried again tonight with my husband

Works 48 hour week came home 8:45

We ordered in

I showered, was dressed sexy

We ate, watched tv during and when finished I went to sit on the love seat he always sits at

When he was done he wrapped throw blanket around himself and sat on the recliner ! I give up

I grabbed the dishes and cleaned up and says goodnight and went to our bedroom 2 flights up to bed while he remains on recliner in basement with the dog

 

I think I need out

[Chi townD]

I know I come across as trash because of what I've done

But I have been a supportive and loving wife for 25 years

As ft my young ex lover. I was to him as well

 

Ironically men have been known to have affairs with much younger women and it's accepted. This young man had s great time and he pursued it

 

 

 

Accepted? By who? These men's wives and girlfriends? I don't think so. No sane person thinks cheating is okay by any gender.

[whichwayisup]

It's a crazy situation. This forum is helping me face the hardcore truth because while the affair was going on I didn't consider the risks

Was caught up

I told myself he was harmless cuz could never amount to anything

And your daughter never ever entered your mind, knowing full well he was a classmate of hers and they knew one another?

 

Sadly the consequences of your actions could bite you in the butt and ruin your relationship with your daughter, as well as your husband. Having an A is one thing, having an A with your kids classmate is another. Just be prepared that what happened may come out and if it does, own it. Don't justify it, or put blame on anybody but yourself. Even the classmate, he's the young one here, impressionable and naive. You're the adult and he isn't one.

[dreamingoftigers]

Accepted? By who? These men's wives and girlfriends? I don't think so. No sane person thinks cheating is okay by any gender.

 

I was thinking virtually the same thing.

 

The whole "cheating men with younger women is accepted" line only comes from two parties: cheating women who want to justify it for themselves as some kind of gender inequality. And cheating men themselves.

 

So, douchebags accepting douchebags into the Royal Society of Douchebags.

[whichwayisup]

Ironically men have been known to have affairs with much younger women and it's accepted. This young man had s great time and he pursued it

 

Yes, but not with their kids classmate. This is apples and oranges. IN your situation, you should have blocked him and never spoken to him again. He is the minor and you are the adult, the grown up who has been around the block a few more times than him, you have life experience that he has no clue about it.

 

You cannot put the blame on this young guy, so what if he pursued you, you could have said no.

[MuddyFootprints]

Oh, my. High fives from the locker room. If this thread is for real, your husband and everyone in your circle is going to hear about this.

[scorpio16]

Some of you men are salty as my son would say

Maybe an 18 yr old man is more a man than some of the men that are writing

Maybe more woman would do what I did if things weren't so one sided actually it's been 7 months and not a word

I may decide to tell the truth

 

People have closed minds and closed hearts

 

I know I should end my marriage and likely will

 

My ex friend showed me what happiness can be

[ShatteredLady]

You said that you were incredibly depressed. Let yourself go. Gained 20lbs & was very isolated. You criticize your husband for being a perfectionist & wanting the house & you, his W a certain way. I'd say it's you who wanted to be sexy, young & perfect. You can't look 30 forever!

 

Now you're talking about how young & sexy you look. How 'in-shape' you are but you weren't when this relationship started. Were you?

 

Teenagers don't send inappropriate sexual messages to friends MOTHERS! A mother in her 50's should make him fear a punishment!! You MUST of been behaving in an inappropriate manner to open the door.

 

I really don't know what's going on with you. Do you think that you're getting depressed again? Do you need more help than you're letting on?

 

Before you blow your marriage up think about how you viewed your M & your life a year before this happened.

 

You don't sound consistent in what you're saying. You're hinting at some unconventional aspects to your marriage. You love your H. You have no regrets for your adultery & romanticize it with "My young lover". I feel like I'm missing something here & I'm feeling sorry for you despite the fact you're showing no remorse for cruel, selfish, totally thoughtless behavior.....almost like you deserve it for being good & faithful for so long.

[OneLov]

OP

 

I feel bad for you and your situation too. Your posts sound like you really are unhappy in your life. Obviously, you cannot change what happened and whether you choose to tell your family about the affair is ultimately your decision (for now). But going forward, you can start doing the right thing by being honest with yourself and your family. If you're not happy in your marriage then communicate your dissatisfaction. If you do not want to reconcile your marriage; you should consider going to see an attorney. But be honest in your dealings.

[Mr Blunt]

I know I should end my marriage and likely will

 

My ex friend showed me what happiness can be

You say you love your husband but you desire the teenager. Love involves commitment, loyalty, and trust and you have violated all three. Your actions are that you want to have another man besides your husband and your children agree that you should separate from your husband. What is stopping you from divorce?

 

 

You are a silly immature woman that has been starved for affection. You would be an easy pickup and good for a few one night stands. In fact that is what your boy-toy did; he used you for 14 one night stands. I do not want to be too hard on you but you have to realize that truth. The truth is that you are not a real marketable woman in today’s world. You are over 50 years old, you have two children, and you are a betrayer. A good and wise man is not going to be wanting to marry you or put his trust in you.

 

 

 

 

I think that you have been honest on this thread about your affair and that you are very unhappy in your marriage. In addition, you need to get the right kind of help so that you can get your mixed up emotions and mind in a better condition. You have told us how your husband has treated you and according to you he has failed you miserably. You can still have a good life but stop with your fantasies. You can probably still find some happiness but do not expect it to be like your short affair with the teenager. The excitement that you had with toy-boy cannot be long term so adjust yourself for reality and find out what kind of happiness is possible for you.

 

 

You have done a trashy thing but you are not trash. You have been a faithful wife and mother for 25 years but you have damaged yourself with your adultery. You can still rebuild and have a good life. Be determined to get the right help and be prepared to do a lot of hard work at rebuilding for a long time.

[dreamingoftigers]

Some of you men are salty as my son would say

Maybe an 18 yr old man is more a man than some of the men that are writing

Maybe more woman would do what I did if things weren't so one sided actually it's been 7 months and not a word

I may decide to tell the truth

 

People have closed minds and closed hearts

 

I know I should end my marriage and likely will

 

My ex friend showed me what happiness can be

 

Blah ha ha. A cheater's last bastion after blaming everyone else for her moral and ethical failure: insult those who are merely providing some sense to the situation.

 

I am a WOMAN and I find your behaviour absolutely repugnant.

 

You brought your AP around your family, a young person, in a high-risk way. The fact that there even was a young person AP is so completely messed up, its amazing you take ZERO responsibility for that.

 

I am 33. I couldnt lower myself to dating a man under 20. It's manipulative, low. We all know that overall this person is just a kid without much life experience under his belt. It's practically predatory, legal or not.

 

Plus this is a friend to your children!? That has a HUGE effect on kids. If he doesn't tell, you are LUCKY. But more so your own child who really really doesn't deserve this. As the daughter of an adulterer (who didn't rob a cradle BTW) I can tell you that having a cheating parent was a total psychological disaster for me, trust-wise etc.

 

I am always wondering what weird-arsed deviancy I inherited from the SOB. Will I get older and just burn my own house down for 14 "better than my husband" encounters? Do I have that kind of Demon lurking? Or is that a male thing? Will this be what mid-life with my husband look like?

 

Nice. Good job Mom. Risk your child's family unit and basic sense of security to screw another kid they know. Nice.

 

"People have closed minds and hearts."

 

No, we have closed LEGS, to preserve ours and our family's well-being. Being loyal for 25 years doesn't buy you a Golden Ticket to the Genital Amusement Park. Grow up.

 

I suffered through an actual abusive and adulterous relationship and committed to not dating / screwing anyone until DIVORCE happened. How incredibly undignifying to EVERYONE involved to not do so.

 

Sure you've "suffered" and "sacrificed." So what do adults do when something isn't working? Do they mix up genitalia with someone else because that magically solves problems? Or do they work on the ACTUAL ISSUES? And come up with ACTUAL SOLUTIONS?

Because seriously, has this affair actually improved any of those issues? Or do you still have a husband that kicks back on his recliner because you made him a nice meal etc.?

 

Seems like you got left with the same situation you had BEFORE the affair. Because you didn't DEAL WITH THE ACTUAL ISSUE. Now all you have a is "A SAD" because you can't go play pretend High School with your little friend anymore. And if course your husband won't "measure up." Despite the fact that he met enough of your needs or lifestyle for you to spend years of inertia with him. Now he's 'the Devil' compared to Loverboy. I'm sure hormones gave nothing to do with that.

 

And that is not the problem of the men and women of this forum. Those are your problems. That you alone created. In fact, I doubt you will end your marriage. People who cheat tend not to because its all about their comfort. You aren't going to make yourself purposely more uncomfortable. You like your home base. If someone else came along and offered you an even more comfy home base, I bet you'd dive on it. But home is "ugh, fiiiiine" for now. You'll 'tolerate' home and marriage until you get a chance to try again with your unicorn and rainbow happiness.

 

Because it's evident you feel little to no remorse whatsoever and have come up with some non-original ways to justify your behaviour.

 

There is no actual excuse by the way. Examine your actions a little more thoroughly. I'm.not even sure counseling would help.