[Affair recently ended] with much younger man

[aliveagain]

How or why would I ever have him near my husband?

 

I get that people are shocked or even repulsed but.... Things happen, life sometimes doesn't work out the way you want. I didn't look for this. Of course I should have blocked him on fb and never written him but I did...

 

And as for treating him to cheat? I think he knew that already. He was great with me but he's had a reputation of flirting, cheating and lots of girls. And yes I was checked for std's and I was always aware of the one thing he wanted from me and I didn't care. I guess as stupid and "sinful" as it was, I convinced myself it wasn't a real "affair" because of his age. Because it never could've lasted or gone anywhere.

 

But again, thanks for the input

 

One month, one year, 20 years, affairs always have a way of surfacing, the pain is the same no matter when it is discovered. You knew what he wanted and you didn't care and you gave it to him every chance you had. Your husband and your adult children will care very much on the other hand. Your husband will believe it to be infidelity even if you don't, age doesn't matter to him, your broken promise does. You may think you got away with it but you will wonder if you did for the rest of your life. None of our wives, girlfriends or spouses thought they would be caught yet here we are, thousands of us telling you our stories. No one ever wins when adultery, deception and the risk of STD's is involved. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones, you still have to look in the mirror every day.

[italianjob]

Frankly, in this case the infidelity is the lesser problem, a misdemeanor compared to the rest.

 

The shame and humiliation this woman has brought down on her family and especially her children is by far the most terrible thing in this story.

 

This is one case where I really really hope the story is not true and it's just made up.

 

Really? You're counting on an 18 year old to keep his mouth shut about ****ing a sexy milf for months?

The only hope he's going to do that is if he actually thinks you're ugly and is ashamed to tell he's been banging you.

If he thinks you're sexy he'll brag about it to his closest friends (already did IMO) who'll keep the secret for awhile and then spread the word around, until it will get you...

 

Just imagine your son or daughter having an argument with one of the kids who know and being told "Yeah your mother is the slut soandso used to bang"... I just can't think about it...

[Mrs. John Adams]

Your scenario sounds very much like Mrs. Robinson in "the Graduate".

 

The difference...the young man fell in love with Mrs. Robinson's daughter. As you know....it ended very badly for Mrs. Robinson. She lost everything....her daughter...her husband...her boy toy....her future grandchildren....her self esteem.....

 

EVERYTHING

 

We cannot undo what we have done....I had an affair....and the one thing I want more than anything is to take it back.

So wishing it didn't happen....hoping no one ever finds out....will prove nothing....will accomplish nothing.

 

So what we have to do...is assess the situation.....seek professional help....and move forward in the best way possible.

 

I confessed to my husband....it was not easy....as a matter of fact it ranked up there with one of the worst times of my life.

I could not imagine carrying the secret and taking the chance that he might find out from someone else...(in my case....i probably would have been able to get by with out telling him....it was a 1 time physical encounter and no one else knew) But I still was not willing to take that chance.

 

You truly need to tell your husband.....and the two of you discuss who else should be told. At that point it should be his decision. My husband chose to tell no one else....so we didn't.

 

I told my husband....I would leave and take nothing. He chose to allow me to stay in the marriage.

 

I will tell you...that none of this will be easy.....if he chooses divorce....or if he chooses reconciliation.....neither is an easy road

But you have already made your path....and at this point...you cannot change it.

 

The repercussions of infidelity is far reaching....your example to this young man states that cheating is ok....a lesson you have taught him. By not telling your husband....you are also teaching him that living a life of lies and dishonesty is also ok.

 

You also have two children....that this will affect...so many lives....all touched by one woman who chose this path...because it was exciting and felt so good.

 

I don't throw stones....I live in a glass house....but I pray the reality of what you have done presses down on you...I hope you understand the severity.

Infidelity seems so light hearted and fun at the time......we deceive ourselves into thinking it is all innocent...we are hurting no one. And then the reality slaps us in the face....a reality that we have made decisions that we will carry the rest of our lives.....

 

My advice to you....please get into individual therapy. Please have no contact with this young man ever again. Please tell your husband what you have done.

 

Please know that many of us have sinned...you are not alone. What you have done is a terrible thing....but you are not a terrible person....you can prove that by doing the right thing. Remorse and forgiveness take time.....you need forgiveness from your family....but you also need it from yourself.

Love your family...love yourself enough to take the step to healing.

 

I wish you the very best.....sometimes people are really tough on waywards around here.

[thummper]

Well spoken, Mrs. JA. I don't see a lot of remorse in this lady for what she's done and how her actions might come back to bite her in the future. *sigh* Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all just do whatever "feels good" and never have to worry about the fallout. It may sound like I'm flaying the OP, but I'm truly not. She deserves to be happy and fulfilled in her life like anyone else. Her husband sounds pretty dreadful and clueless, but let her end that relationship before she goes cruising for love. That would seem to be just common curtesy.

[ShatteredLady]

You describe this young man in very opposing ways so I have no idea what the truth is!

 

You say, "my lover ended it last week out of "guilt" "morals" fear of "god". if he is this 'good boy' he might not be bragging to his friends but the guilt must be eating at him. He will eventually 'confess' to someone. If he's as you describe here he WILL tell a serious girlfriend & then your secret will be out!

 

You later describe him as a flirt who cheats with lots of different girls. That kind of kid does NOT keep his mouth shut!! This is so juicy, the ultimate for his 'lad' persona. He's telling!!

 

This secret will NOT last!! People WILL be broken, devastated

[TrustedthenBusted]

I am 54 and married 25 years. I have a 24 year old son and 18 year old daughter. I was basically content in my marriage....or convinced myself of such. I had gotten in a rut and was feeling depressed. I let myself go. I gained 20 lbs and spent a lot of time isolated. stress from family and I felt ignored by my husband.

 

 

 

54 years old...25 years of marriage...lots of weight gain, living in isolation and not feeling interest from your husband?

 

Chances are he's had a fling or two as well.

 

Take it to your grave and start acting right.

[Montsan]

I swear! There are so many self righteous comments here. Scorpio16, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You obviously enjoy sex and your husband will never be able to satisfy you. Open up an Adult Friend Finder account and find another young lover. I guarantee you that with all of the responses you receive, you'll be able to pick and choose.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well as long as she asks her husband if it's ok to have an open marriage and take on young lovers....I say she should go for it too!

 

The problem is....she is married...and needs to inform her husband of her plans.

 

If she divorces him....she is free to have sex with anyone she chooses.

 

I don't believe people are being self righteous at all....I think they are attempting to help her not to self destruct any more than she already has.

 

Infidelity is not a game..it is real life and real destruction.

[Montsan]

This is true

I broke my vow and a commandment but is it better going foward to tell my family, get divorced over it or wait for my punishment from God and try to save my marriage ?

 

The past is passed

 

Trust me on this, scorpio. God is not going to punish you.

[66Charger]

God wont have to, your family will. 10 characters

Edited February 8, 2016 by 66Charger

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am not sure why at 54 she would need an iud to enjoy sex with an 18 year old....I will confess that part baffled me.

 

I had an iud one time but i was 20......just sayin

[Timshel]

God wont have to, your family will. 10 characters

 

And so will you be.......JS. Some high/righteous and downright mean up in here. Did not know we were in the Presence.

 

Actually I believe we are.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Timshel

[ChickiePops]

I swear! There are so many self righteous comments here. Scorpio16, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You obviously enjoy sex and your husband will never be able to satisfy you. Open up an Adult Friend Finder account and find another young lover. I guarantee you that with all of the responses you receive, you'll be able to pick and choose.

 

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. I haven't seen anyone here claim to be perfect. I've only seen people talking about how affairs hurt people and tear families apart and, in this case, could potentially ruin the OP's daughter's life (which I completely agree with and I really, really hope the kid she slept with actually does keep his mouth shut, for the sake of her daughter).

 

Can you please point out some examples of self-righteousness?

[Montsan]

Can you please point out some examples of self-righteousness?

 

 

"All you are doing is making excuses not to do the right thing after you have done and are still doing the wrong things "

 

 

Who is Soul to judge this and determine what is right and what is wrong?

 

 

There are just so many experts here.

 

 

Here's another:

 

 

"That being the case then you have not repented of your sin because repent means to "to turn from evil, and to turn to the good."

 

Your sin of adultery is evil but God says that"

 

 

- Blunt

 

 

 

 

And I didn't even have to search. Just a quick browse and they jumped right out.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Montsan

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am no expert...but i have lived 32 years with the results of infidelity. I am not judging this woman...because i am her equal.

 

But there are many here whose lives have been torn apart because of infidelity. Some are judgmental.....some are bitter....some are shattered.

 

Some offer hope....some offer support....

 

When posting on a forum....you have to decipher the information shared...take what applies to your situation....and ignore the stuff that doesn't.

 

If someone steps over the line and becomes abusive....then hit the alert button and report it.

 

If the moderators agree...they will react.

 

I can tell you that those who come here to incite and attack...are dealt with.

[MuddyFootprints]

There isn't anyone claiming to be an expert here, if the OP wanted expert advice, she'd be consulting someone who is licensed.

 

All we have is a glimpse into a situation and through our combined experience and knowledge, we hope that the OP can glean something of value from our posts.

 

Most of us posting understand the flawed thinking that is endangering both mental and emotional stability.

 

You're suggestions only promote further instability.

Edited February 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited per request ~ V

[66Charger]

And so will you be.......JS. Some high/righteous and downright mean up in here. Did not know we were in the Presence.

 

Actually I believe we are.

 

I am ok with that.

[Mrs. John Adams]

"All you are doing is making excuses not to do the right thing after you have done and are still doing the wrong things "

 

 

Who is Soul to judge this and determine what is right and what is wrong?

 

 

There are just so many experts here.

 

 

Here's another:

 

 

"That being the case then you have not repented of your sin because repent means to "to turn from evil, and to turn to the good."

 

Your sin of adultery is evil but God says that"

 

 

- Blunt

 

 

 

 

And I didn't even have to search. Just a quick browse and they jumped right out.

 

you quoted mr. Blunt who is a dear friend of mine. He is a very loving Christian man. He is not judging her.....you quoted part of what he said.....you left out the part that was supportive to her. He has been in reconciliation many many years....he is a very forgiving man.

 

I am sorry you misunderstood his post. I am sure he will explain it himself....but I wanted you to know he is a kind man. He helped me learn to forgive myself.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[Montsan]

I'm sure most everyone here is essentially very kind. Personally, I don't accept religious views as being the final word on anything.

[66Charger]

Scorpio16, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You obviously enjoy sex and your husband will never be able to satisfy you. Open up an Adult Friend Finder account and find another young lover. I guarantee you that with all of the responses you receive, you'll be able to pick and choose.

 

I am sure her husband will find your words extremely "kind"

[ChickiePops]

"All you are doing is making excuses not to do the right thing after you have done and are still doing the wrong things "

 

 

Who is Soul to judge this and determine what is right and what is wrong?

 

 

There are just so many experts here.

 

 

Here's another:

 

 

"That being the case then you have not repented of your sin because repent means to "to turn from evil, and to turn to the good."

 

Your sin of adultery is evil but God says that"

 

 

- Blunt

 

 

 

 

And I didn't even have to search. Just a quick browse and they jumped right out.

 

I don't think you understand what self righteous means...

 

OP IS making excuses. Adultery IS wrong..it hurts innocent people. But again, a self-righteous person would be claiming innocence in everything. I don't see that anywhere. I see lots of advice, some judgment..no self righteousness.

 

And I am an atheist so that religious stuff is nonsense to me.

 

OP has done damage to her family. If her daughter finds out, the damage could be irreparable.

[OneLov]

We're all self-righteous. I mean, the purpose of this forum is to ask questions or start a topic with the intent for others to comment on. People advocate their beliefs or provide answers because they believe that is what should be done. So by definition, we are all self-righteous.

 

So what's wrong with being self-righteous in the context of this forum's guidelines?

 

(See I'm being self-righteous because I'm implying that my opinion is correct and those that differ from it are incorrect)

[SoulStorm]

"All you are doing is making excuses not to do the right thing after you have done and are still doing the wrong things "

 

 

Who is Soul to judge this and determine what is right and what is wrong?

 

 

There are just so many experts here.

 

 

Here's another:

 

 

"That being the case then you have not repented of your sin because repent means to "to turn from evil, and to turn to the good."

 

Your sin of adultery is evil but God says that"

 

 

- Blunt

 

 

 

 

And I didn't even have to search. Just a quick browse and they jumped right out.

 

Then you are judging me for judging her. If I believe in God that's my prerogative. Just as you may not, that's also your prerogative. I have not once debated your view. Yet you seem to have to challenge those who have views that refer to biblical scripture The OP has the choice to either listen to my advice or discard it. I stand by what I posted

[road]

Everyone go take a cold shower the OP has left the building.

[thummper]

She's gone because nobody (much) will support her adulterous affair. She says it's over and she'll go back to being the good wife she's always been. I call BS. If boy toy so much as crooked his finger at her, she'd shed her panties in a heartbeat and hop right back in bed with him.