[Affair recently ended] with much younger man

[HadEverything]

I know everyone is different but its the consequences that for me suddenly cast a very different light on what I was doing. I was suddenly left standing there trying to figure out what the hell I had been thinking carrying on an affair. I worry that if your husband and particularity your kids find out it could be catastrophic for you.

My children are very angry with me and we have a very different relationship then we had before my affair was discovered. I hope someday it will be better but I must admit I am not so sure it will. It doesn't sound to me like the potential consequences from you husband scare you much but consider your children.

This reminds me of my situation in that it has the potential to come out in away that would spread among your children's friends. I never once considered how embarrassed my children would be or the level of cruelty some people will go to when they know something about a parent.

I will not try to pretend I am any one to talk and so I usually read but don't comment but in this case I think you should try very hard to end all contact and see if you can fix your marriage before the choice is removed from you.

[SoulStorm]

It's not fantasy although I was living out a fantasy but that never had before

I never would've thought of cheating let alone with someone so young

As hard as it is to believe, he is mature and we talk about my marriage and the faults and unhappiness my h and I share.

 

 

I would never be unfaithful again.

You are still being unfaithful

[scorpio16]

I have thought about it and lost sleep about it for the past now 8 months

My a p has nothing to lose and I have everything to lose

Had I not grown such strong feelings for him it would've been over long ago

 

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I admit I was being 100 % selfish

I had devoted my life to my kids and by h and my kids had become so self absorbed, not helpful around the house, always demanding of me and my h so dedicated to the house and barley noticing me. EXCUSES but that's how I got passed the fear and guilt. My relationship with my daughter was strained after she learned of my friendship with her school mate. In case you didn't read that part, early on in our flirting/texting I heft my phone home and my Daighter saw notifications on home screen from the boy and she read them and approached me. She was angry and repulsed. I told her I was sorry and that it was just a game. I told her i'd never act it out. I didn't intend to. But a month or so later I caved and well..... I have told my family that he and I were friends. My h knows

He simply said " that's weird.... But hey if you feel ok with it".

It's been very deceitful of me.

 

It's tormented me. You are right but it will take time

 

I still see no need to hurt my family but telling them everything

Edited February 17, 2016 by scorpio16

[scorpio16]

My daughter and i are very close again

Both my kids would totally understand and support my leaving my h but of course would nut support an affair ..... And be very upset it was with such a young person

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's not fantasy although I was living out a fantasy but that never had before

I never would've thought of cheating let alone with someone so young

As hard as it is to believe, he is mature and we talk about my marriage and the faults and unhappiness my h and I share.

 

 

I would never be unfaithful again.

 

you are still being unfaithful. You may not [have sex with] him again...but he has your loyalty, your fantasies, your love. That my dear is still cheating.

 

You are still texting with him...a HUGE no no. HUGE!!!

 

[]

Edited February 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[scorpio16]

I am trying I really am. It's hard when you love the person. I'm moving in april so even if i was weak it would be virtually impossible to keep it going.

 

I can't really explain how I felt other than I felt young again. I'm selfish I know.

[SoulStorm]

I am trying I really am. It's hard when you love the person. I'm moving in april so even if i was weak it would be virtually impossible to keep it going.

 

I can't really explain how I felt other than I felt young again. I'm selfish I know.

So are you going to keep cheating until April

[scorpio16]

My God no. I did not say that

[SoulStorm]

My God no. I did not say that

As long as you stay in contact with him,you are technically cheating

[harrybrown]

you are in a fog over your marriage and make up faults to help justify your cheating actions.

 

Please please tell your H and kids and set your H free.

 

He deserves better.

[ShatteredLady]

At least go completely no contact, block & delete everything. It's like you want to be caught! Why are you still talking to him? What if your daughter sees your mails again? Just STOP IT!

 

You know it's over. Stop stoking the fires!

[aliveagain]

Not in our bed

 

Why won't you just come out and say it, you had sex with a man your husband trusts you with in the home you share with your husband. Why play games with us(not in our bed crap), it just helps to know what you are capable of. Knowing that information tells me you have little respect for your husband. You can tell me all day and all night you do but your actions don't match your posts. What if you learned your husband had been banging one of your neighbours daughters in one of the bedrooms, not yours but one of the spare ones that used to belong to one of your children. Would that fact taint the 20 plus years your daughter spent in that room becoming the lady she is now? Would you feel the same love for the room or would you feel that it was forever tainted because they had porn star sex on her bed in the very room that is and will always be your daughters?

 

Any spouse that could do that to their husband/wife is on a whole different level then the cheater that meets someone for sex [in a] motel/hotel bed or in the backseat of their affair partners car. Since the young man is only 18 my guess is he lives with his mommy and daddy so you probably didn't take the chance of sneaking into his room while his parents slept. Honesty is the only way to be because as bad as adultery is most people divorce because of the lies. We are strangers who will never meet you, if you want our help please don't lie directly or by omission to people that have been through hell because of infidelity. If I have it wrong, my apologies. []

 

You have to be honest with your husband, I think the marriage is already lost but he should have the right to choose his own path since you didn't give him a choice when you threw him into infidelity.

Edited February 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Mr Blunt]

By Scorpio

I know excuses. If he was in his forties I'd have a hard time getting over him and working on my marriage.

 

He is not in his forties and you are not over him. Your continuing desire, contact, and love for the teenager is betrayal to your husband. You say that you want to make it with your husband so you had better get all the help that you can and that includes professional help. You have the financial resources so do not use lack of money for an excuse.

 

 

You will never make it with your husband as long as you are emotionally giving everything that you got to the teenager instead of your husband. You have got yourself into a trap and changing from a home to an apartment is not enough to correct what you have done.

 

 

 

I hope that you do everything you can to get a lot better and build yourself up and your relationship to your children because that is about all you have left to salvage.

 

 

 

You can still have a decent life if you do the right things IMO

[road]

My om and I have texted. We are high trying to keep away from all physical contact

We became I guess addicted to having sex together

 

It's really hard to explain or for me to fully understand

I do love my husband. But..... If things don't improve between us living in an apartment with a totally carefree lifestyle than yes I will be seeking divorce.

 

 

Oh I didn't answer the question of what my h would do if he found out about the affair

Honestly, I think he'd be furious but relieved that it was someone young and therefore no possible future with. He'd be hurt (his ego) but he'd probably know it wasn't because of us or our sex but more my loneliness and his lack of attention

 

And if he wants to be set free I will set him free

 

 

You are not being honest with your BH and yourself.

 

 

I say this because you do not want to end your affair. This is evident by you maintaining contact with your OM.

 

 

Yes, not having sex only means the PA part has ended for now. You maintaining contact with the OM is maintaining the EA. Which maintains the connection and allows for the EA to turn back to a PA again.

 

 

You are making your BH sell his house under false pretenses. You are making your BH sell his house based on a lie.

 

 

Major life changing decisions should never be made based on lies.

 

 

Stop the lies and start the truth. Your BH deserves the truth.

[bigman1]

So, I gotta say, its really enough of the self flagellation and taking hits from angry posters. What are you gonna do in the next 24 hours?

 

AS it stands, you are still in an affair with young man. Still talk, not having sex, but close enough to feel and enjoy the sexual tension and memories. No need to call yourself names, just what are you gonna do in the next 24 hours? Its not rocket science.

 

Not telling your husband is obvious. How can you tell him that you are still in an affair with the kid? It does not really roll of the tongue: "Hey, I was having a great sexual affair with an 18 year old and now I just talk to him". Again, no need to say all of the "I know I'm horrible" stuff. What are you gonna do in the next 24 hours?

 

The reason I keep saying "the next 24 hours" is because that is the window of true commitment. I give you time to go back and forth, to chicken out a few times, etc., but if nothing happens in the next 24 hours, its not gonna happen unless and until you get found out. You are too committed to that course already, so unless you do something now, you are not gonna do anything.

 

To sum up: You are still cheating and you know it. You like the feelings that you are still getting and its obvious. If you don't do something drastic and honest immediately, you are not going to do it. Stop the self flagellation and commit.

[scorpio16]

You are right big man ?

[scorpio16]

It was hard but I blocked him

[HadEverything]

I think you did the right thing. I know it is hard to imagine but I think in time you will see things differently and it will get easier to have a clear head. Then you just have to hope things out of your control don't bring this to light. Be prepared for that to happen. As I said I have had a recent experience with how much people love drama and if it comes out it will spread like you cant believe.

Wouldn't it seem to be better to get in front of it and tell your husband? Or are you that confidant it will main a secret? I wont pretend to know the right answer but at least you have taken the first step.

[SoulStorm]

It was hard but I blocked him

Good. Stay committed to the no contact. It will be hard for a while. The longer you stay no contact,the easier it becomes it's like breaking a drug habit. Find things to do when you feel the urge. Instead of texting or talking to OM, text or talk to your husband or a relative instead

 

Be strong and good job

[scorpio16]

I've tried to text and be playful with my h the was I was with the om but my h is a serious person...

 

 

but as the days have gone by it has already gotten easier. Clearly I'll never forget the om but I knew it couldn't ..........shouldn't last and am shocked it did as long as it did. As crazy as it sounds. ...being with him made me realize the things in my m that I could change.........things about me to bring out better in my h.

 

 

we will hopefully sell the house soon and be free of the financial and physical demands of it and settle into our apt. and enjoy the lifestyle.

 

 

I am going to try to work out the things in my m that have been swept under the rug. hopefully once he has free time my h will be committed to it also.

 

 

as for telling..........no I can't. I genuinely worry that my h will go crazy and get himself in trouble or even hurt. the om is young but quite built.

 

 

if it ever came out than I have no choice but to confess. but I do trust the om. I really do.

 

 

thank you all for repeatedly telling me like it is and sharing from your own personal experiences. it's been invaluable.

 

 

I'm going to be very busy next few months packing so it will hopefully keep me distracted.

 

 

I will keep you posted.

[Running Man]

borderline pedofile. What if a 54 year old man was screwing your 18 yr old daughter??? Or would you romanticize that relationship as well?

[merrmeade]

A little sorting by theme of OP's remarks about the 'om' (only) and tawdry gets downright disturbing:

... cheat? I think he knew that already...

he had girls. ... a reputation of flirting, cheating and lots of girls.

He's had girlfriends throughout ...

 

What started out as harmless flattery just evolved...

he wanted me...one thing he wanted from me...

both agreed it was just Sex... 100 % mutual...addicted to each other...

[He was] an amazing lover...truly passionate...

he had/has no feelings for me...this young man has zero feelings for me...he didn't care, he wanted the sex...

 

He is an amazing young man. ...

he was caring.

he's very intelligent and charming and funny

he's been respectful and compassionate with me

 

... my lover ended it last week out of "guilt" "morals" fear of "god"....

He ended it because it probably got old and he wants to move on.

I think it just got old for him so he used conscience as reason for ending it....

He's moved on...

 

He is a player....quite pursuasive...experienced and seductive...sexually manipulative...

He is truly mature and confident and clearly calculating...

my young friend is a threat. no doubt. He can try to extort money from me through blackmailing me...

You give this young man the traits of a 40-year-old gigolo, trying to convince us that because this promiscuous 18-year-old is so "mature and confident" ... "persuasive, experienced, seductive, manipulative" what you did was okay.

 

I taught and cared for high school students for twenty years and saw my own children through their teens. They are unique human beings at this age, in between adulthood and childhood in some regard or other, every one of them. Because they are still developing emotionally, socially and mentally, they deserve the protection given to them by law — and even at 18 they are not fully mature or prepared for adult experiences. We teachers treat them with the respect and consideration they deserve for all the mistakes they make and poses they take.

 

I'm not saying you are responsible for corrupting this young man. I'm not even agreeing he's corrupted! I don't know him, but I can say that you helped introduce him to an adult world of base, selfish exploitation. You present yourself as victim to his wiles and ploys when you were actually the adult, taking advantage of his tendencies and reinforcing them. He does not deserve to be called a sex toy at 18!

 

Why is that okay? Because you've convinced yourself he's really much older than his years? What do you actually know about young people? How do you counsel your own children? What values do you articulate to them about relationships, commitment and the meaning of love?

 

Because of his age, he is not your peer in any way. You are not equals and you should know this as a parent. He needed you to be the mature adult that could have responded to his inappropriate advances with compassion and redirection. You could have shown him that there's more to him than his sexuality. What did he learn from you?

 

How will you handle yourself if he develops feelings for your daughter?

[soleilesquire]

OP, have there been other times in your life when you would say you have engaged in risky behavior? Do you tend to look outside yourself for explanations as to why you do what you do? When you talk about how horrible you are, is that because you really feel that way, or is it more a defense mechanism or strategy to garner attention?

 

I ask because this affair, your response to it, your thought process, and your general demeanor make me wonder if you might want to investigate the possibility or borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. That is not a slam, it is just that most repentant cheaters follow a certain type of path, and you seem very caught up in the euphoria, you seem to be swinging wildly, and you seem almost...indifferent as to the bigger issues of honesty and character. It seems to be all about you.

[stillafool]

 

I ask because this affair, your response to it, your thought process, and your general demeanor make me wonder if you might want to investigate the possibility or borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. That is not a slam, it is just that most repentant cheaters follow a certain type of path, and you seem very caught up in the euphoria, you seem to be swinging wildly, and you seem almost...indifferent as to the bigger issues of honesty and character. It seems to be all about you.

 

Aren't most people who have an affair caught up in the euphoria of it? I don't see where she is any different than other people who have had an affair.

[merrmeade]

Aren't most people who have an affair caught up in the euphoria of it? I don't see where she is any different than other people who have had an affair.

It's all understandable and forgivable between consenting adults, but this is borderline adult and consenting is no excuse—no matter how far along the self-indulgent spectrum he himself is.