He's just not that into you

[flickofthecoin]

A little over 6 months out from D-Day.

 

There have been very few triggers that have made me fly off the rails. Once when WH used a phrase that he picked up from the OW. Once when I realised one of his online aliases referenced one of her favourite artists. Once when I found one of his hats that he let her wear when they went out clubbing together... The rest (and there were plenty of them) I dealt with pretty calmly, even the leopard print skirt in a shop display that reminded me of the covers of her bed where they shagged who knows how many times.

 

Last night I watched the movie "He's just not that into you". I haven't really had a problem with tv or films, but I realise that I haven't actually watched anything that didn't quickly gloss over cheating. This movie however...

 

It features Janine, the wife who wants the perfect life but only focuses on the aesthetics - a marriage for the wrong reason (she gave her husband an ultimatum) and a newly renovated house. Then there's her husband Ben who loves his wife, but not enough to marry her voluntarily. And finally Anna, a hot yoga instructor, aspiring singer and eventual OW.

 

This film rendered me a soggy mess and made me question for the xth time:

 

- Did WH cheat because he really wasn't that into me? He loved me, but not enough?

- Is he only back here with me because he conducted a simple A-B comparison and through sheer luck, the sum of the OW did not exceed what I offered?

 

How do you reconcile yourself with these questions? When does it ever become OK? 6 months in and I still have no idea what I'm doing.

[Parannonx]

Remember this, his affair was about him and what's broken in him, not you or your marriage.

 

Cheaters lie, but the first lie they tell is to themselves. And it is that they deserve their fun, the precise lies after that vary from cheater to cheater. Mine told herself that it was just fun and what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. That she was clever enough and careful enough to keep it from me. It wasn't until I caught her and reality set in that she realized what she had done and how far she had fallen. At least that's what she says.

 

In my case she shock of realizing that our marriage wasn't a forgone conclusion made forced her to take a long look at her actions and how she had treated me. It's not been easy but I'm giving her a chance to redeem herself.

 

That said I still have to deal with the emotional turmoil, I had a temper tantrum (as I like to call it) just the other day where I throwing things around and basically just venting. I don't hide these things from her, though I don't do them intentionally to hurt her either. But part of the consequence of her choice to betray me is having to see the pain that those choices brought me.

 

Your Husband needs to see that damage as well he needs to know how badly he's hurt you, and he needs to understand that he's the one to blame and that he's the one who has to fix it.

 

That's part of how you know if they are worth the effort. if they can't own their choice and accept the guilt of what they reaped then they aren't worth the effort.

 

He needs to be going to counseling, he needs to be figuring out why he has so little respect for himself that he was so weak to hurt someone he loves in a way that is so profoundly damaging.

 

As far as whether you can get past it? No one can say. some can others can't. It all depends on whether you really believe that they regret their choice. And of course that belief will be tenuous at best for some time as they deceived you once so you know that they are capable of doing so again.

 

Good luck.

[RySant]

Flick, you haven't shared your story and if there will come a time that you will be ready to do so, I hope you could share yours.

 

I just hope that your WH is truly doing NC with the other woman. I mean, how are you sure that she's forever gone in your lives?

[higgsboson]

- Did WH cheat because he really wasn't that into me? He loved me, but not enough?

- Is he only back here with me because he conducted a simple A-B comparison and through sheer luck, the sum of the OW did not exceed what I offered?

He probably cheated just to have a little on the side - from everything I've read on the subject, that's why men cheat. Its possible he loved you more than anything and thought the marriage was just great but he wanted still wanted to eat his eat cake and have it to. [redundant]

 

The A-B comparison thing, that's what women do.

 

My WW also uses a phrase she picked up from her [] AP and it drives me crazy. In a text he referred to my daughters birthday as her "Best Day" and my wife just used that expression last month. It really set me off!

Edited February 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[minimariah]

- Did WH cheat because he really wasn't that into me? He loved me, but not enough?

 

well... it is definitely a possibility.

 

- Is he only back here with me because he conducted a simple A-B comparison and through sheer luck, the sum of the OW did not exceed what I offered?

 

that, too, is a possibility.

 

the truth is -- you don't know. there is no way of knowing these things -- that's why we choose to believe our partners when they tell us that they love us, desire us, want us... for US. and nothing else.

 

so why obsess over questions you won't ever know real answers to...? maybe your WH is telling you the truth. maybe he isn't. it's up to you to decide if you want to trust him again. it's up to him to prove to you that he's telling the truth and that he is, indeed, trustworthy.

 

if you're unhappy and struggling... and if you get to the point where you realize the doubts are stronger than anything else - you walk away.

 

How do you reconcile yourself with these questions? When does it ever become OK?

 

i don't think it ever does. it's something you'll learn how to live with. reconciliation is super hard; very few actually suceed in it and it takes folks YEARS to repair that trust.

 

because we're smart. us humans. and when someone screws you over, you WILL keep that in mind. you WILL learn that lesson. you'll stay and give another chance for this or that reason but... dear God, do we learn! so the doubts never really go away; you simply deal with the fact that him possibly cheating again or even leaving is out of your control. you control what you CAN and make moves you can, that's it.

 

6 months in and I still have no idea what I'm doing.

 

that's very little time. make sure you're communicating with your WH. seek help, counseling if necessary. get to the bottom of his cheating; WHY did he do it, what did he feel, WHY did he stay, what does he feel now... the OW was clearly very present in his mind; don't let him minimize his feelings for her. talk, talk and talk some more. dig, dig, dig. ask questions, tell him about the triggers, tell him EVERYTHING.

 

do you have any children together?

[understand50]

 

This film rendered me a soggy mess and made me question for the xth time:

 

- Did WH cheat because he really wasn't that into me? He loved me, but not enough?

- Is he only back here with me because he conducted a simple A-B comparison and through sheer luck, the sum of the OW did not exceed what I offered?

 

How do you reconcile yourself with these questions? When does it ever become OK? 6 months in and I still have no idea what I'm doing.

 

flickofthecoin,

 

Reconciliation is hard work on both sides. Sometime the WS does not have a good reason, past, it was SEX and I did not think I would get caught. That maybe the answer, but I would bet it is more complicated, to , yes it was just sex, to maybe, I could be with her.

 

The solution, at least for us, is to have tough hard conversations, in a controlled way. My wife and I "talk" once a month, and everything is open. The rule is, what is said between us, stays in the "talk" and is dealt with next time. You need to be able to talk and hear things, but not beat up on your each other 24/7. This works for us.

 

Remember, if you ask hard questions you will get hard answers. One question I asked my wife, is when she had decide to have sex outside our relationship, we were just dating, not married, did she wright me off? was she looking to dump me? Her answer was, "yes". It was hard to hear, but I wanted honesty, and that helped in the end.

 

Decide what you want. Full knowledge, honesty, or something in between. It is up to you and your husband to find what works for you both, that will allow you both to reconnect and reconcile. This can and will take years. It does get better over time.

 

I wish you luck......

[Liam1]

 

This film rendered me a soggy mess and made me question for the xth time:

 

- Did WH cheat because he really wasn't that into me? He loved me, but not enough?

- Is he only back here with me because he conducted a simple A-B comparison and through sheer luck, the sum of the OW did not exceed what I offered?

 

How do you reconcile yourself with these questions? When does it ever become OK? 6 months in and I still have no idea what I'm doing.

 

In my opinion and in my own experience, If he is still with you, it is most likely that he was "just not that into" the OW.

 

My reason for having an affair had nothing to do with me not loving my wife and everything to do with me trying to prove something to myself.

[dichotomy]

 

- Did WH cheat because he really wasn't that into me? He loved me, but not enough?

- Is he only back here with me because he conducted a simple A-B comparison and through sheer luck, the sum of the OW did not exceed what I offered?

 

How do you reconcile yourself with these questions? When does it ever become OK? 6 months in and I still have no idea what I'm doing.

 

I don't know.What if those are true - is that a bad thing?

 

But many people on d Day decide their affair and affair partner is not worth loosing the rest of their life and or marriage over. It is a kind of bottom line thing. A harsh choice - that they hoped to avoid and continue their cake eating ways.

 

And then some of us B.S. make that same "A-B sum" decision with regards to divorce or stay with a WS. I did with my WW. Is that a bad thing ? Staying based on looking at the whole sum of which option offers you?

 

Also people (men and women) do sometimes make a "sum up" decision to even marry in the first place. "Well I love Jimmy, he is not as good in the sack as Jeff (he was awesome), or as handsome as my Mark (swoon), but he will make a good husband and father and I love him for that.

 

 

I am sorry for you pain - I get it - I was there or perhaps I am still there with these kind of feelings.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Cheaters don't want A OR B. They want A AND B.

 

That's it.

[Gigi2015]

We sometimes pick up on expressions from others or likes and they are simply habit...I make a dish an ex taught me how to make and it doesn't remotely mean he's on my mind. I'm very happy to be with my H. Also enjoy music that I was introduced to in former relationships and nope.....doesn't mean a thing. Things are new and you are raw. You will heal!! He's with YOU....that's what speaks the loudest. No words can ever compete with that. Take a breath...one day this will all seem like a blur....HUGS...

[wmacbride]

A little over 6 months out from D-Day.

 

There have been very few triggers that have made me fly off the rails. Once when WH used a phrase that he picked up from the OW. Once when I realised one of his online aliases referenced one of her favourite artists. Once when I found one of his hats that he let her wear when they went out clubbing together... The rest (and there were plenty of them) I dealt with pretty calmly, even the leopard print skirt in a shop display that reminded me of the covers of her bed where they shagged who knows how many times.

 

Last night I watched the movie "He's just not that into you". I haven't really had a problem with tv or films, but I realise that I haven't actually watched anything that didn't quickly gloss over cheating. This movie however...

 

It features Janine, the wife who wants the perfect life but only focuses on the aesthetics - a marriage for the wrong reason (she gave her husband an ultimatum) and a newly renovated house. Then there's her husband Ben who loves his wife, but not enough to marry her voluntarily. And finally Anna, a hot yoga instructor, aspiring singer and eventual OW.

 

This film rendered me a soggy mess and made me question for the xth time:

 

- Did WH cheat because he really wasn't that into me? He loved me, but not enough?

- Is he only back here with me because he conducted a simple A-B comparison and through sheer luck, the sum of the OW did not exceed what I offered?

 

How do you reconcile yourself with these questions? When does it ever become OK? 6 months in and I still have no idea what I'm doing.

 

 

Been reconciled for some years now ( married almost 20). I know it's hard to let go of these questions, but in the end, I asked him, knowing that I had to accept what he told me, and that no one else could answer the question.

 

he told me that he cheated when he was at a really low point in his life and that it had been a huge error in judgment on his part. Something he told me has always stuck with me. He told me that I had seen him at his lowest, looked into leaving, could have easily left if I had wanted to,but still loved him enough to stay.

 

In that, he knew I truly accepted and loved him.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still could have kicked his @ss all over the backwoods of NB for what he did, but I learned to forgive him and forgive myself.

 

what your spouse says could be very different, but if this question nags at you, ask him. It's the only way you'll know. trust your gut to tell you if he's being honest, and go on from there.

[Mr. Lucky]

- Did WH cheat because he really wasn't that into me? He loved me, but not enough?

- Is he only back here with me because he conducted a simple A-B comparison and through sheer luck, the sum of the OW did not exceed what I offered?

 

You've already gotten some good advice.

 

Fact is, both of those things might have been true at the time. Doesn't mean they're true now.

 

A decision to reconcile is a choice to fall in love with each other again. To reconnect and recommit. How he felt about her then becomes less important than how he feels about you now.

 

Can't change the past. If you're going to stay together, the task becomes not to let it dominate the future. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cymbeline]

You've already gotten some good advice.

 

Fact is, both of those things might have been true at the time. Doesn't mean they're true now.

 

A decision to reconcile is a choice to fall in love with each other again. To reconnect and recommit. How he felt about her then becomes less important than how he feels about you now.

 

Can't change the past. If you're going to stay together, the task becomes not to let it dominate the future. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

I think this is what you should focus on. Emotions are volatile and can fluctuate wildly. They often aren't based on anything concrete. The mind is a powerful thing and we can believe something today that we do not believe tomorrow.

 

Infatuation with someone new is an extreme, high stakes example of this.

 

Feelings change, especially at times of emotional instability. It doesn't matter what he may have felt for a while. He feels differently now.

[merrmeade]

In my opinion and in my own experience, If he is still with you, it is most likely that he was "just not that into" the OW.

 

My reason for having an affair had nothing to do with me not loving my wife and everything to do with me trying to prove something to myself.

so glad Liam posted this. we don't get many honest WH posts imo.

 

My WH husband says this, too, though I don't think he realizes how much I need to hear it. We shouldn't have to go to a forum to figure it out, but after a while it's about how you ask/tell each other what you want and need from the other. I like Undrstand50's weekly or monthly talks. Sometimes I just have a mini-breakdown and we hash out some new realization or meaning.

 

I think we do have to look for meaning and validation in the little unspoken realities, whatever you're are. One of mine is that he never wavers in what Liam just said - that it was always about him (not me or us) and he realizes and hates what he did to me.

 

It wouldn't help, could even hurt, to Push this question too far. It's asking for comparisons. Maybe there are ways to ask that don't involve comparing. He should validate YOU, not just being with (choosing) you over her and surely he would have something meaningful to say about simply why he loves you. It's not a lot to ask. It's what we do regardless of infidelity, isn't it?

[flickofthecoin]

Thank you all very much for your replies - you guys are definitely helping me to pull through

 

 

I just hope that your WH is truly doing NC with the other woman. I mean, how are you sure that she's forever gone in your lives?

 

I'll be honest... The OW was and still is WH's work colleague, so NC isn't possible. I haven't asked WH to leave his job nor am I sure that I want him to for several reasons...

#1: The job market is tough where we live etc.

#2: No guarantees WH won't shack up with a new lady at his next workplace... Maybe this isn't healthy, but I feel safer knowing who he is working with now rather than the unknowns at a new job.

#3: WH threw the OW under the bus on D-Day. He had deleted all his messages to and from the OW, so I gave him a choice: go to the OW and get me those messages, or pack up his **** and leave. He chose the messages. The OW was furious because her private stories and details were all in there, and she felt betrayed that WH would readily reveal it all to a complete stranger i.e. me. After that, I don't think she would want anything to do with him even if he was up for it.

#4: I'm still on the fence. I don't know if I want to stay with him, and some part of me wishes for an easy decision, soon. If he is left in a position of temptation, working in close proximity with the OW, then maybe he would screw up sooner rather than later and I can simply leave.

 

do you have any children together?

 

No children which I'm grateful for in this instance.

 

The solution, at least for us, is to have tough hard conversations, in a controlled way. My wife and I "talk" once a month, and everything is open. The rule is, what is said between us, stays in the "talk" and is dealt with next time. You need to be able to talk and hear things, but not beat up on your each other 24/7. This works for us.

 

I definitely like your "once a month" controlled discussions. I have to admit, while our conversations don't occur that often (once every couple of weeks or so), they aren't very controlled. I'm working on it, and it's getting easier to handle, but tears and talking in circles is currently the norm for us.

 

In my opinion and in my own experience, If he is still with you, it is most likely that he was "just not that into" the OW.

 

My reason for having an affair had nothing to do with me not loving my wife and everything to do with me trying to prove something to myself.

 

Thank you Liam. I really appreciate hearing things from your side. WH does assure me that he loved me before and throughout his A, but I'm listening to everything he says with a 'high security' filter at the moment. I want to know why he did it, but I'm not sure if there is ever an answer for something like this or if it is simply wanting A AND B, as TrustedthenBusted so eloquently put it .

 

And then some of us B.S. make that same "A-B sum" decision with regards to divorce or stay with a WS. I did with my WW. Is that a bad thing ? Staying based on looking at the whole sum of which option offers you?

 

I really just want him to be honest with himself though. If I wasn't enough for him and this spurred his decision to cheat, finding that I rate higher than the OW still isn't going to make him happier than he was before his A. I think he should be comparing what he has with what he wants, and let this influence his decision to stay or leave me rather than conducting a trial of BW vs OW. I think it worked this way with you dichotomy. You weighed what you had against what you wanted, and your WW fell short. You didn't need to find another woman to help you make your decision. It should have been like this for WH... It's what I want.

 

 

We sometimes pick up on expressions from others or likes and they are simply habit...I make a dish an ex taught me how to make and it doesn't remotely mean he's on my mind. I'm very happy to be with my H. Also enjoy music that I was introduced to in former relationships and nope.....doesn't mean a thing. Things are new and you are raw. You will heal!! He's with YOU....that's what speaks the loudest. No words can ever compete with that. Take a breath...one day this will all seem like a blur....HUGS...

 

Thank you Gigi As you say, he probably doesn't think of her when he uses her phrases. It just hurts because it's a reminder that she had a big enough impact on him for it to stick subconsciously. Fortunately this is happening far and fewer in between. I think he is replacing them with habits he has picked or re-picked up from me

 

what your spouse says could be very different, but if this question nags at you, ask him. It's the only way you'll know. trust your gut to tell you if he's being honest, and go on from there.

 

Thank you wmacbride, I'm glad to hear you were able to reconcile I have asked him these questions. He assures me that I was enough, and he never had any intention of leaving me. I just don't know whether to believe him or not, or whether he himself really knows the truth.

 

A decision to reconcile is a choice to fall in love with each other again. To reconnect and recommit. How he felt about her then becomes less important than how he feels about you now. Can't change the past. If you're going to stay together, the task becomes not to let it dominate the future

 

Thank you Lucky. I'm not ready to let go of what happened so I don't think I've committed to the idea of reconciliation yet... but at the very least, accepting what happened is what I am aiming for. You're right in that the important thing is how WH feels about me now - I'm just unsure if he himself knows what he wants.

[Lois_Griffin]

Having read infidelity boards for years, many women choose to stay with cheaters because they're either financially dependent on him or they 'do it for the kids.' I think a lot of them just use the kid excuse because they don't want to admit they want to stay with him even though they've found out what he really is.

 

I was surprised that you chose to stay with him and you don't even have kids, but it kind of proves my theory stated above.

 

Most cheaters aren't looking to upgrade and dump their wives, they're just looking to enhance what they already HAVE. They want extra.

 

As another poster said, they want BOTH - the wife AND the girlfriend.

 

It was never a matter of him 'choosing' between the two of you because he wasn't cheating because he wanted a divorce. He just wanted MORE.

 

I think it's sad you're willing to stay with a man you fear will cheat on you again if he changes job. That's no life.

 

Don't you want better? Don't you DESERVE better?

[flickofthecoin]

Having read infidelity boards for years, many women choose to stay with cheaters because they're either financially dependent on him or they 'do it for the kids.' I think a lot of them just use the kid excuse because they don't want to admit they want to stay with him even though they've found out what he really is.

 

I was surprised that you chose to stay with him and you don't even have kids, but it kind of proves my theory stated above.

 

 

No I don't have children with him, and no I'm not financially dependent on him. We both work but I bring in a higher salary, I'm better at managing my money and I have very supportive friends and family, so I am not afraid of leaving. In truth, I was quite ready to throw him out on D-Day. I told him to leave, tossed everything that I ever kept from "us" that had sentimental value, and even tried to help him pack (in an 'enraged, throwing **** randomly into whatever empty box or suitcase I could find' kind of way). The car was filled to the brim and ready to go, and I was getting into bed because it was way past my bed time... but WH didn't get into the car and leave. He came back crying and telling me he was sorry etc etc.

 

No, I don't have any kids to consider and no, I'm not dependent upon him... Rather, I think having this ability to leave has put me "on the fence" in terms of reconciliation - I am not certain I want to stay, but there are a lot of things I could lose by leaving. I KNOW I can survive perfectly well on my own, and I know that the pain he caused me is right up there and will probably (fingers crossed) never be matched by anything else... but at the same time, I have years of history and shared experiences to consider.

 

I think it's sad you're willing to stay with a man you fear will cheat on you again if he changes job. That's no life.

 

Isn't it weird? A lot of BS want their WS to find a new job for fear that the WS will maintain a relationship with the OW. Here I am, preferring quite the complete opposite. Logically, there is nothing stopping WH from cheating if he wants to. It doesn't really matter where he works. Some part of me prefers that he stays right where he is because if he wants to cheat, there is a willing and waiting OW in close proximity (IF she wasn't too offended that WH willingly revealed her private life to me). He can cheat sooner rather than later, prove my forgiving side wrong and we can both move on separately without wasting any more time. At the end of the day though, whether he stays at his current job or he goes, it doesn't matter to me. If we are to make this work, he needs to demonstrate that he can be faithful and committed even with a harem of naked young ladies at his disposal.

 

 

Don't you want better? Don't you DESERVE better?

 

I do deserve better, that is for sure, but where do I get better from? The world is a vast place, which no doubt has better in it so why am I still here? I guess I am giving WH a chance to be better for me. I've pulled back from the relationship. I don't drive it or work it anywhere near as much as I used to. It's his turn to show me what he's got and it's my prerogative to assess what he can give me and weigh it up against what I want. I'm here now, but it's different from before. Before, I thought I would always be here. Now... Being here is something that I have to decide for myself, for as long as we're together.

[elaine567]

I think many send themselves mad with the unending questions.

BUT the truth is very elusive.

Is he really going to say I hate you but I am only staying for the life I have, the golf club, my vegetable garden and the inheritance you are due when your father dies...

NO, he isn't, so he is going to say he loves you, he always loved you (despite the affair), and that he cannot live without you and SHE means nothing to him.

It is about basic survival.

 

My contention is to forget all the "I love you" bull and start thinking logically. You need to be totally selfish here and look at YOUR life, not HIS life or OUR life - YOUR life, and decide if YOU are honestly better off with him in your life or not, and act accordingly.

 

From those who write here after reconciliation, it can get a little better with time, still there but not quite so vivid, but some are still triggering 30 years later, some never regain total trust, some find themselves back at stage one when the WS cheats again, and some seem to lead lives of sheer misery, but get by on the WS saying "I love you" every now and again...

[dichotomy]

 

No, I don't have any kids to consider and no, I'm not dependent upon him... Rather, I think having this ability to leave has put me "on the fence" in terms of reconciliation - I am not certain I want to stay, but there are a lot of things I could lose by leaving. I KNOW I can survive perfectly well on my own, and I know that the pain he caused me is right up there and will probably (fingers crossed) never be matched by anything else... but at the same time, I have years of history and shared experiences to consider.

 

I do deserve better, that is for sure, but where do I get better from? The world is a vast place, which no doubt has better in it so why am I still here? I guess I am giving WH a chance to be better for me. I've pulled back from the relationship. I don't drive it or work it anywhere near as much as I used to. It's his turn to show me what he's got and it's my prerogative to assess what he can give me and weigh it up against what I want. I'm here now, but it's different from before. Before, I thought I would always be here. Now... Being here is something that I have to decide for myself, for as long as we're together.

 

 

Yep yep yep. Know these thoughts and feelings.

 

I am sure your husband knows- as does my wife - about these thoughts and feelings we have.

 

So in a sense while there is no actual OM for you - you have "generically" considered that "better"... men... or life could await you. You have found your husband lacking in some areas (duh!) without of course actually messing with another man. You have done a sum game for yourself, an remain on the fence about them - but for now made a decision whats best or perhaps a least worst choice for you? Or I maybe projecting my views on you.

 

I know very well that my wife's OM offered a few things I did not (for her) but "on the whole" I offered the best for her. So when push came to shove, she cut him off. But I agree in both my case and yours the decision to live with the main plate vs a side dish could have been made without sampling.

Edited February 11, 2016 by dichotomy

[Just a Guy]

Hi Flickofthecoin, having read your OP and the responses of others I want to ask you why you stayed with your WH after D Day. It is six months since your husband's affair was busted but you are still in a quandary about whether he loves you more than the OW or vice versa.

Why would you torture yourself with hypothetical questions the answers to which may never be forthcoming. If you are in a position to support yourself independent of your husband then why would you want to stick with him? If your heart is really into reconciliation then go all out for it but if your heart is not in it then just leave. It will save you a lot of heartache. I do not know your story but if your husband was in a long term affair with the OW then I think reconciliation may just not be possible. Just think about it. Warm wishes.

[LimeBlue]

 

- Is he only back here with me because he conducted a simple A-B comparison and through sheer luck, the sum of the OW did not exceed what I offered?

 

/QUOTE]

 

This is the exact reason that my MM is staying with his wife - because he does not think that I am a "trade up" on what he has... nice huh? I know how this makes me feel, but I also often wonder how this makes his wife feel. If I were his wife, I would not feel some joyful glorious achievement in this, because in my view it means that one day he might find the trade up he is looking for. Either way, he makes me sick.

 

If this is the case for your H, how does it make you feel? It would cause much resentment in me if I were the W, that much I know.

[Molly33]

Hope you don't mind my asking. . . Might you have children in the future?

If so, would you rather have them with a partner who hadn't had an affair? who you trusted and always did? and who always had your back?

I think once there has been an A, something 'indefinable' is also lost & hard to get back which is why R is so hard.

But I'm biased. I think it would be have been easier if my spouse had just left, rather than having an EA.

 

6 months is a short time though and every case is different.

 

Sorry you're going through this. I know what the pain is like.

Edited February 16, 2016 by Molly33

[flickofthecoin]

Hi Flickofthecoin, having read your OP and the responses of others I want to ask you why you stayed with your WH after D Day. It is six months since your husband's affair was busted but you are still in a quandary about whether he loves you more than the OW or vice versa.

Why would you torture yourself with hypothetical questions the answers to which may never be forthcoming. If you are in a position to support yourself independent of your husband then why would you want to stick with him? If your heart is really into reconciliation then go all out for it but if your heart is not in it then just leave. It will save you a lot of heartache. I do not know your story but if your husband was in a long term affair with the OW then I think reconciliation may just not be possible. Just think about it. Warm wishes.

 

Thank you. It's not that I am wondering if WH loves me more that the OW. I am sure he does, because he's here with me rather than her... the question is, whether or not he loves me enough to be happy WITH me because if he's not, there isn't a point to reconciliation. I'm not sure if he really knows what he wants or whether he is capable of being happy with me... but you're right and Elaine is right. What he feels is irrelevant in the face of what I need. I've been thinking of US for almost 7 years that it's hard to think in terms of ME... but I'm learning to now. I think WH's affair was quite short. A little over 1.5 months of heavy EA + PA. I'm not sure if there was an EA in the 3 months prior to that. I think there was mutual interest/attraction, but no boundaries were crossed.

 

 

- Is he only back here with me because he conducted a simple A-B comparison and through sheer luck, the sum of the OW did not exceed what I offered?

 

/QUOTE]

 

This is the exact reason that my MM is staying with his wife - because he does not think that I am a "trade up" on what he has... nice huh? I know how this makes me feel, but I also often wonder how this makes his wife feel. If I were his wife, I would not feel some joyful glorious achievement in this, because in my view it means that one day he might find the trade up he is looking for. Either way, he makes me sick.

 

If this is the case for your H, how does it make you feel? It would cause much resentment in me if I were the W, that much I know.

 

I don't feel like I've one-upped the OW. If circumstances were different and she was a different woman who more closely matched WH's vision of his ideal partner, he may very well have left me for her. I don't think it matters who he chose... As Dichotomy said, we all make choices... but I think WH made the wrong choice when he chose to compare two women. His choice should have been "happiness with his W" vs "happiness w/o his W". I want him to figure that out, so we can both decide if putting in more time and effort into 'us' is worth it.

 

Hope you don't mind my asking. . . Might you have children in the future?

If so, would you rather have them with a partner who hadn't had an affair? who you trusted and always did? and who always had your back?

I think once there has been an A, something 'indefinable' is also lost & hard to get back which is why R is so hard.

But I'm biased. I think it would be have been easier if my spouse had just left, rather than having an EA.

 

6 months is a short time though and every case is different.

 

Sorry you're going through this. I know what the pain is like.

 

I haven't ever really been keen on having children, and neither has WH. With or without children, I'm 100% certain I would much rather a partner who hadn't had an affair and who I could trust to keep me safe but I'm still here because, against all common sense, I actually love this stupid man.

 

I want to thank everyone for their comments on this thread. I didn't articulate myself well in the first post, but replying to you all has really helped me figure out that I just needed to know if WH feels like he can be happy with me. I don't want him to stay out of guilt or because I'm the best thing currently available - I don't want to reconcile for the wrong reasons. I'll ask him, hope for an honest answer and hopefully this will help me decide what to do.