Anyone have an affair where MM is honest about loving his wife and no future faking?

[Grey Cloud]

I updated on my situation about a week ago. Emotional affair with a MM co-worker that turned physical (twice) in December. Then a 5 week break when we both went on leave and the week we come back to work he has found another job. 2 weeks left before he goes and we start complete NC.

 

Today we had lunch and a very open and honest conversation. He has always been upfront and honest about the fact that he would never leave his wife and break up his family and that they still have regular sex.

 

He told me today that even though his contract was ending at work he would have found another job regardless because if he stayed he was worried about his marriage and falling harder for me. He said I dominate his thoughts, that since we had sex he is not wanting to do it as much with his wife and that sex with her doesn't feel the same. He is worried he would wake up one day and decide he would rather be with me and he was struggling to be emotionally and physically present with two women. He said he had started comparing me to his wife. That he still loves her and needs to get away from me to give his marriage a chance.

 

He has never future faked with me. He said today that he was emotionally invested in me and couldn't fall for me anymore then he has because it would be disastrous.

 

I ultimately want to work on my marriage and don't want to leave my husband either. Both the AP and I got caught up in everything and it's like we have reached the brink of knowing it can't/won't work.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? Where you know it can't work and the consequences are too severe to continue? An amicable but sad parting? With no d-day?

 

It doesn't make walking away any easier or the guilt lessen even when you know it's the right thing to do. NC is still going to be extremely difficult.

Edited February 5, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[Adoraxx]

My xMM only told me once in the beginning of the A that he would leave his W for me, but he only said that once and pretty soon he was telling me that he will never leave her. So I knew that he wouldn't leave her and I never wanted him to either, because I don't want anyone to leave his W for me but only because he really really wants to himself..

 

He also told me that he is 'soooo crazy about his W' but he didn't tell me that until after he got his much desired bj. At the same time he was always lying to me that he loves me etc etc.I think he meant that he loved getting sex from me and not that he truly loved ME for who I am. His actions also never showed that he truly loved me :/

[minimariah]

He has never future faked with me.

 

this is not a virtue. he is for sure manipulating you with the truth, something a lot of MM/MWs do.

 

1. he is being honest; he loves his wife and doesn't want to break up his family; i assume he never really explained his cheating; that way, he creates the Romeo&Juliet tragic story where intense emotions are heavily based on WhatIfs and the fact that you both decided to make some kind of sacrifice in order to do what you believe is the right thing.

 

that's #1. THEN he tells you this:

 

He is worried he would wake up one day and decide he would rather be with me and he was struggling to be emotionally and physically present with two women. He said he had started comparing me to his wife. That he still loves her and needs to get away from me to give his marriage a chance.

 

he's throwing you a WhatIf bone. see... on one hand, he won't leave his wife and he was upfront about it. on the other hand, he's telling you that he MIGHT leave if the affair continues.

 

so in a way -- he IS faking.

 

him leaving his job because he's trying to save his marriage and wants to keep his distance - not buying it. in fact, i bet my left thumb that it was the wife who pushed him into leaving for another position after the contract on his current one was up.

 

you might not see it that way --- but i see a lot of manipulation from his side; him painting you as this seductive temptress who is making him weak with desire and he needs to stay away from you... because, i guess, you're the sole source of his marital problems.

[Liam1]

Grey Cloud:

 

My opinion of this man is the same as MiniMariaha's.

 

If this guy really really loved you more than his wife, He would be willing to leave his wife for you, no matter the cost.

 

He is most likely telling you what you want to hear to prevent you from being insulted and going bunny boiler on him.

 

He wants to leave you feeling special. But it's a manipulation.

[whichwayisup]

NC is the only way. Forever.

 

 

I ultimately want to work on my marriage and don't want to leave my husband either. Both the AP and I got caught up in everything and it's like we have reached the brink of knowing it can't/won't work

 

Just like him. He doesn't want to leave his wife and lose everything. He may love you a lot (and you love him a lot) but it's not enough to make you BOTH change your lives and start over together. Obviously if there are children involved it would make it so much harder and more complicated.

 

If he left his wife would you leave your husband?

 

Seems it's ending on good terms with respect so keep it that way and stay in NC mode. Focus on reconnecting with your husband and investing in your marriage.

[norudder]

I posted a thread a while back about mm who "love" two women and stay married. The thing with these forums is all you'll get is a bunch of strangers opinions and generalizations. Nobody truly knows anothers innermost mind and heart, whether what is said and done is true or a lie, subconscious or intentional. Humans are so complex. I think saying "if he loved you he would be with you" is an oversimplification and harmful to ow who are already hurting. MM may very well love but have other issues with their character, psychology, value system that present the barrier to a full relationship. Regardless the focus shouldn't be on him it should be on whether the situation works for the individual. If you want more and he doesn't then it doesn't work. Same formula for any relationship. OP are you just looking for shared experiences or evaluations, judgements? I say just keep the focus on what kind of relationship you want and how can you have it in a manner within your value system? Don't think of "him" but rather the traits he has that work for you that can be sought elsewhere.

[whichwayisup]

I posted a thread a while back about mm who "love" two women and stay married. The thing with these forums is all you'll get is a bunch of strangers opinions and generalizations. Nobody truly knows anothers innermost mind and heart, whether what is said and done is true or a lie, subconscious or intentional. Humans are so complex. I think saying "if he loved you he would be with you" is an oversimplification and harmful to ow who are already hurting. MM may very well love but have other issues with their character, psychology, value system that present the barrier to a full relationship. Regardless the focus shouldn't be on him it should be on whether the situation works for the individual. If you want more and he doesn't then it doesn't work. Same formula for any relationship. OP are you just looking for shared experiences or evaluations, judgements? I say just keep the focus on what kind of relationship you want and how can you have it in a manner within your value system? Don't think of "him" but rather the traits he has that work for you that can be sought elsewhere.

 

But she isn't the hurting OW. She may be hurting, but she's married too and not leaving her husband either so at the end of the day, her reasons for not leaving are JUST as valid as his. There are on the same level playing ground with spouses they're cheating on.

[Popsicle]

My xMM and I never discussed his M or the future, but we somehow came to the same conclusion you did - that nothing could come of this and it has to end. At least I realized that on my own and ended it. He wasn't ready for it to end at that moment and tried to prevent it, but I'm sure if I had carried on in an A with him, he would have came to that conclusion himself in time and ended it with me.

[RecentChange]

Well I had a physical, not emotional affair.

 

And it was made VERY clear that is all it would be.

 

Before we ever had sex it wss agreeed to keep emotions out of it. That we loved our partners and had no plans of straying.

 

So yeah, absolutely no delusions of "us" being a thing or having a future.

[Popsicle]

It was a learning experience for me ...don't even TALK to men where nothing can come of it.

[norudder]

But she isn't the hurting OW. She may be hurting, but she's married too and not leaving her husband either so at the end of the day, her reasons for not leaving are JUST as valid as his. There are on the same level playing ground with spouses they're cheating on.

 

Good point. In those situations where both AP are married any thoughts feelings hurts doubts one person has could be said of the other.

 

That's why nobody should leave their marriage "for" the other person, regardless of feelings. Even if the AP do end up trying a relationship and end up together they should start off with the mentality that they would be ok on their own even if it doesn't work out because their marriage was truly over due to its own faults.

[Southern Sun]

No future faking in mine. More like moments of depressing conversation like, this is either never possible in real life, or we will both need to get divorced and walk through hell-fire and it STILL might not work.

 

Then we would change the subject.

 

There were times when it was actually seriously discussed - the hows, wherefores. But fortunately, I figured out before it was too late that my xMM is probably incapable of every really loving me the way I would want.

 

Besides, too much pain all around. If my marriage fails, I want it to be because my marriage itself is not okay. Not because of an affair. If that's possible.

[Gigi2015]

I posted a thread a while back about mm who "love" two women and stay married. The thing with these forums is all you'll get is a bunch of strangers opinions and generalizations. Nobody truly knows anothers innermost mind and heart, whether what is said and done is true or a lie, subconscious or intentional. Humans are so complex. I think saying "if he loved you he would be with you" is an oversimplification and harmful to ow who are already hurting. MM may very well love but have other issues with their character, psychology, value system that present the barrier to a full relationship. Regardless the focus shouldn't be on him it should be on whether the situation works for the individual. If you want more and he doesn't then it doesn't work. Same formula for any relationship. OP are you just looking for shared experiences or evaluations, judgements? I say just keep the focus on what kind of relationship you want and how can you have it in a manner within your value system? Don't think of "him" but rather the traits he has that work for you that can be sought elsewhere.

 

I think the OP is looking for individual experiences to share...for generalizations mathematics don't lie....statistics are there wether we feel/don't feel/or don't care. At the end of the day numbers do speak...we are never as "special" as we think we are. Things aren't as complicated as we make them.

Edited February 5, 2016 by Gigi2015

[b-Shock]

Grey Cloud, regardless of his motives, he's handing you a gift by moving on. Take it for what it is and try to get on with your life. There was never going to be any fairy-tail ending here.

 

In reference to working on things with your husband. What's your plan of action? Does he even know there's a problem?

[Gigi2015]

It was a learning experience for me ...don't even TALK to men where nothing can come of it.

 

 

Maybe you need to try it. It's amazing what you can achieve by simply changing your patterns. I used to think I was only attracted to Italian/Mediterranean types....I opened up my world a little and bam...I'm married to a blue eyed blonde guy....(hoping for a giggle here)

[still_an_Angel]

My MM has always maintained that he could never leave his W and child (child has special needs). I am also not prepared to have another man join my family (I'm a solo mother with 3 kids). We are 'together' because we want to be, not because of any obligation. Its been years now and nothing has changed, he is still married and I'm still his OW. And we are not future faking, we're taking life as it comes although I am prepared that anything can happen.

 

Not all As are the same, me and my MM started as a D/s relationship which has evolved into what we are now. So it has been cleared from the very beginning what its all about.

[Whoknew30]

I'm not a man but I was married & OM was not.

 

I told him if I ever did leave my H it couldn't be bc of him, it would have to be bc my marriage had just got that bad & if that did happen, I couldn't keep relationship with him bc i would have to do it on my own & if it worked out that we had a future after all that ok but I made it clear he himself would never be my deciding factor.

[Midwestmissy]

Adoraxx: that sounds harsh, but sadly pretty typical. My wh told the mow she had a great body and Bing! He got a bj in return.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you but you seem to have a good handle on it now.

[MJJean]

I was a WW. I didn't love my H, but I wasn't in any position to leave him, either. Kids and finances. I was up front and honest about that to my AP's.

 

I did end up leaving the marriage for my then AP and now DH, but DH wasn't the reason I left. He was the reason I left when I did.

[S2B]

It means he wants the other woman to expect nothing.

 

He's not leaving her for you.

[Anto_80]

I agree with S2B.

 

It may sound harsh, but you are nothing but easy P*ssy to him.

 

He is just manipulating you so that he can have his cake. I would not believe a thing he said to you.

 

BTW, your husband deserves to know. After your affair, it should be his decision to work on the marriage and not yours.

 

At least, that is what I believe.

 

Be strong!!!

 

 

On a different note (I do not want to hijack the thread -forgive me in advance-),

 

@Southern Sun, you have not updated in a while. How are things going with your husband? Has he decided to divorce you or is he still fighting?

Edited February 5, 2016 by Anto_80

[AMJ]

I have a similar situation..we both just pretend that a future is possible even though we both know it's really not. There's too many things in the way, his children, we live thousands of miles away. For some reason it's not enough of a reason for us to stop talking to each other, however. In my case, if he were happier in his marriage and if I had a relationship, I suppose we'd end contact.

 

I try to talk about it, as in- I really think I'm just getting in the way of you being happy with your wife, if I disappeared, you could move on...and then he'll say- no no, you're not in the way, i need you, i love you, don't disappear.

[Poppy47]

I never wanted MM to leave his wife and I knew he couldn't . He was/is her carer.

 

I never want a live in full time relationship again. I have had that, children grown up, grand children grown up. My life is my own and that is always how I intended it to be. I can travel, and do whatever I like for the first time in my life.

 

The last thing I wanted was another man moving in.

 

We met when we were pursuing a new hobby. Both in our 60s and lonely. It was a 7 year affair. Neither one of us wanted more.

 

We are still in contact but it has changed now to a very long friendship.

 

I wasn't in the dark and neither was he. We both knew exactly where we stood.

 

Poppy.

[Grey Cloud]

I never wanted MM to leave his wife and I knew he couldn't . He was/is her carer.

 

I never want a live in full time relationship again. I have had that, children grown up, grand children grown up. My life is my own and that is always how I intended it to be. I can travel, and do whatever I like for the first time in my life.

 

The last thing I wanted was another man moving in.

 

We met when we were pursuing a new hobby. Both in our 60s and lonely. It was a 7 year affair. Neither one of us wanted more.

 

We are still in contact but it has changed now to a very long friendship.

 

I wasn't in the dark and neither was he. We both knew exactly where we stood.

 

Poppy.

 

Wow, 7 years! You say you are still in contact - how regularly? How did it change from an A to a friendship? Were you sad about that?

 

I guess there is one thing knowing where the other stands and knowing that pursuing the A is pointless and hurting others. But knowing all of this still doesn't make it any easier to let it go?

[Adoraxx]

Adoraxx: that sounds harsh, but sadly pretty typical. My wh told the mow she had a great body and Bing! He got a bj in return.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you but you seem to have a good handle on it now.

 

Thanks Midwestmissy! I'm not so sure if I have a good handle on it now because I'm still struggling a lot with it all, but yes, I do see that he was probably only after me for sex. The A started with lots of "I love you's" and at first I didn't even want sex with him but he knew how to persuade me and then after a few months of this, I realized that I couldn't do this (I wanted to be the only one for him and there were many other reasons) and I started to say no to him.

 

I had hoped that we could at least have some kind of friendship because I genuinely cared (care) about him, and he sometimes pretended to care about me too but it was all with one goal in mind: persuade me again to have sex with him. I'm not exaggerating when I say that he pressured me for years to have sex with him again (he's my neighbor) and he would get mad at me when I said no, I can't do it.

 

It's a long story really... He always disappeared and returned again, probably in hopes that I would have sex with him after the disappearance , and I was stupid and gullible enough to believe some of the 'I love you's' and then in May last year I gave in again and gave him one lousy bj and since then he's gone disappearing with one measly reappearance inbetween. I feel very very very stupid.