Anyone have an affair where MM is honest about loving his wife and no future faking?

[d0nnivain]

Today we had lunch and a very open and honest conversation. He has always been upfront and honest about the fact that he would never leave his wife and break up his family and that they still have regular sex.

 

That he still loves her and needs to get away from me to give his marriage a chance.

 

He has never future faked with me.

 

 

NC is still going to be extremely difficult.

 

 

He has future faked with somebody, his WIFE. If he genuinely loved his wife & cared about his marriage he never would have gotten into bed with you. To say that he just couldn't resist is BS. It's a lie. Grown mature people make tough choices all day long. He selfishly wanted something new & shiny-- you.

 

 

Don't romanticize him into some great hero because he didn't tell you he'd leave his wife for you. If he had any kind of integrity, he never would have strayed.

 

 

He is a CAD. Stay away.

 

 

Even if he left his wife for you, you are now stuck dating a cheating liar. If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

[elaine567]

He has future faked with somebody, his WIFE.

 

That is a good point actually.

He is sitting there playing the happy husband, and all the time he is actually playing away.

[Grey Cloud]

He has future faked with somebody, his WIFE. If he genuinely loved his wife & cared about his marriage he never would have gotten into bed with you. To say that he just couldn't resist is BS. It's a lie. Grown mature people make tough choices all day long. He selfishly wanted something new & shiny-- you.

 

 

Don't romanticize him into some great hero because he didn't tell you he'd leave his wife for you. If he had any kind of integrity, he never would have strayed.

 

 

He is a CAD. Stay away.

 

 

Even if he left his wife for you, you are now stuck dating a cheating liar. If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

 

Thank you, I really needed to hear this different perspective!! You are so right, he future faked with his wife!!! She was/is so suspicious of him and he has blatantly lied to her face.

[Gigi2015]

That is a good point actually.

He is sitting there playing the happy husband, and all the time he is actually playing away.

 

How weak! I'm not sure how this is easily reconciled in someone's mind....

[Anto_80]

Thank you, I really needed to hear this different perspective!! You are so right, he future faked with his wife!!! She was/is so suspicious of him and he has blatantly lied to her face.

 

True.

 

But to be fair Grey cloud, you have also blatantly deceived your own husband. How are you going to deal with that? Instead of focusing on the [OM], why don`t you focus on your husband? [Off-topic content redacted]

 

Be strong!!!!

Edited February 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Southern Sun]

 

On a different note (I do not want to hijack the thread -forgive me in advance-),

 

@Southern Sun, you have not updated in a while. How are things going with your husband? Has he decided to divorce you or is he still fighting?

 

At this point, he has not decided to divorce me and neither have I decided to divorce him. We are still working at it, collaboratively BTW.

Edited February 6, 2016 by Southern Sun

[Sassy Girl]

My xMM told me right up front he loved his wife and had no intention on leaving. I was absolutely fine with that. I didn't want him for myself.

 

He started to get attached and his wife noticed a change in him. Nothing specific, that he would tell me anyway. She didn't have any evidence...But she asked him uncomfortable questions and he realised he was under suspicion.

 

We both decided it would be best to end it. We knew there was never a future. Never even entertained the idea.

[Grey Cloud]

My xMM told me right up front he loved his wife and had no intention on leaving. I was absolutely fine with that. I didn't want him for myself.

 

He started to get attached and his wife noticed a change in him. Nothing specific, that he would tell me anyway. She didn't have any evidence...But she asked him uncomfortable questions and he realised he was under suspicion.

 

We both decided it would be best to end it. We knew there was never a future. Never even entertained the idea.

 

That is EXACTLY what has happened here as well. His wife started asking questions and got suspicious. Are you in NC now? How long as it been since you both walked away? How long did the A go for?

[mfimill]

I updated on my situation about a week ago. Emotional affair with a MM co-worker that turned physical (twice) in December. Then a 5 week break when we both went on leave and the week we come back to work he has found another job. 2 weeks left before he goes and we start complete NC.

 

Today we had lunch and a very open and honest conversation. He has always been upfront and honest about the fact that he would never leave his wife and break up his family and that they still have regular sex.

 

He told me today that even though his contract was ending at work he would have found another job regardless because if he stayed he was worried about his marriage and falling harder for me. He said I dominate his thoughts, that since we had sex he is not wanting to do it as much with his wife and that sex with her doesn't feel the same. He is worried he would wake up one day and decide he would rather be with me and he was struggling to be emotionally and physically present with two women. He said he had started comparing me to his wife. That he still loves her and needs to get away from me to give his marriage a chance.

 

He has never future faked with me. He said today that he was emotionally invested in me and couldn't fall for me anymore then he has because it would be disastrous.

 

I ultimately want to work on my marriage and don't want to leave my husband either. Both the AP and I got caught up in everything and it's like we have reached the brink of knowing it can't/won't work.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? Where you know it can't work and the consequences are too severe to continue? An amicable but sad parting? With no d-day?

 

It doesn't make walking away any easier or the guilt lessen even when you know it's the right thing to do. NC is still going to be extremely difficult.

 

 

 

Ok , here it is. truth be told that if in fact what he is telling you is true.... there is no possible way to part as friends and stay friends. if you continue to see each other or even communicate in anyway you both are setting yourselves up for a disaster.

[mfimill]

I am reading through these posts and replies and thinking wow maybe I have been this blind. I am currently married and have been having a 2 year plus Affair with a single mother of two. It started as most, an attraction, then physical affair, then emotional then full blown relationship. I too said I would and could not leave my W for her. we both agreed that it was what it was and nothing more with no expectations from either of us. I had no real marriage problems at the time only my own selfish need for attention from other women. after a year of meeting 2 times a week, texting and calling everyday. It became apparent that we both had very strong feelings and emotional ties. By this time I have already been short changing my loyal wife of emotional support, sex , respect and integrity not to mention the Time that I wouldn't spend with her either because of my own personal guilt or some other twisted reason. my AP and I began seeing each other even more often almost nightly for even a quick 1 hour walk. we began more and more talks of what if? when? the how's? and all the other talks that mess with both ap heads. After 19 months of thinking we were still sneaking around we got caught. My Wife found out, I admitted to cheating but not to the extent or the length of time we were together. I told her it was over and for a quick minute I meant it and I had every intention of ending it. after a 3 second talk and text I was right back with the OW even more strong then ever. now I was making plans to leave since I was sure my marriage would not work out. My every second was consumed with thoughts of the OW and I continued to lie to my wife. The guilt eventually takes over and you are not treating either the way you should. Head spinning everyday, unable to focus on anything except my AP and convinced I wanted to spend my life with her. My mornings were always started off with conflicting feelings, leave my wife....marry my AP and live happily ever after ......No Wait..... Leave my AP and end it forever and live my life honoring my wife and child! Total confusion and insanity. Its been 8 months since my wife found out and I am still with AP and still trying work on my marriage. It seems like a lose lose situation anyway I turn. Truth is I have tried to end the affair over anything and everything under the sun, started fights, etc. and cant last a full 24 hours without contact. nobody starts out thinking they will be in this position and more often then not they are. Anytime you see the same person over and over either sexually or emotionally there will be a bond that forms and each day that passes it will become harder and harder to exit. Good Luck to all .

 

 

 

 

 

 

True.

 

But to be fair Grey cloud, you have also blatantly deceived your own husband. How are you going to deal with that? Instead of focusing on the [OM], why don`t you focus on your husband? [Off-topic content redacted]

 

Be strong!!!!

[Grey Cloud]

I am reading through these posts and replies and thinking wow maybe I have been this blind. I am currently married and have been having a 2 year plus Affair with a single mother of two. It started as most, an attraction, then physical affair, then emotional then full blown relationship. I too said I would and could not leave my W for her. we both agreed that it was what it was and nothing more with no expectations from either of us. I had no real marriage problems at the time only my own selfish need for attention from other women. after a year of meeting 2 times a week, texting and calling everyday. It became apparent that we both had very strong feelings and emotional ties. By this time I have already been short changing my loyal wife of emotional support, sex , respect and integrity not to mention the Time that I wouldn't spend with her either because of my own personal guilt or some other twisted reason. my AP and I began seeing each other even more often almost nightly for even a quick 1 hour walk. we began more and more talks of what if? when? the how's? and all the other talks that mess with both ap heads. After 19 months of thinking we were still sneaking around we got caught. My Wife found out, I admitted to cheating but not to the extent or the length of time we were together. I told her it was over and for a quick minute I meant it and I had every intention of ending it. after a 3 second talk and text I was right back with the OW even more strong then ever. now I was making plans to leave since I was sure my marriage would not work out. My every second was consumed with thoughts of the OW and I continued to lie to my wife. The guilt eventually takes over and you are not treating either the way you should. Head spinning everyday, unable to focus on anything except my AP and convinced I wanted to spend my life with her. My mornings were always started off with conflicting feelings, leave my wife....marry my AP and live happily ever after ......No Wait..... Leave my AP and end it forever and live my life honoring my wife and child! Total confusion and insanity. Its been 8 months since my wife found out and I am still with AP and still trying work on my marriage. It seems like a lose lose situation anyway I turn. Truth is I have tried to end the affair over anything and everything under the sun, started fights, etc. and cant last a full 24 hours without contact. nobody starts out thinking they will be in this position and more often then not they are. Anytime you see the same person over and over either sexually or emotionally there will be a bond that forms and each day that passes it will become harder and harder to exit. Good Luck to all .

 

I agree, anytime you see the same person over and over it becomes harder to exit as the bond/addiction gets stronger - even if at the beginning there is no expectations from the other and you think you can handle it.

 

In my case the A is with a co-worker who is leaving so the proximity thing will be gone and we both agree it's our best opportunity to move forwards with NC.

 

Your situation sounds complex. Does your wife have any idea you are still continuing the A? You said you had no real marriage problems at the time of the A so that must make it harder to see clearly? I know it is easier said then done but you are torturing yourself by not making a decision either way. Stay strong!

[minimariah]

not sure if it's okay to comment but i really think it will open up a good discussion and be useful to the OP so i will comment anyway, hopefully i won't break any rules! lol.

 

I had no real marriage problems at the time only my own selfish need for attention from other women.

 

i find this to be one of the main reasons people can't reconcile - they can't point out the real moment something shifted in them and their marriage; they can't point out the real reasons they're cheating and the real reasons they weren't happy in their marriage; if you can't give some strong reasons for cheating on one person and for one relationship failing, how will you stop yourself from doing the same thing with someone else?

 

and you don't seem like a selfish jacka** who just wanted something on the side; so i believe there are depeer reasons you did what you did.

 

My mornings were always started off with conflicting feelings, leave my wife....marry my AP and live happily ever after ......No Wait..... Leave my AP and end it forever and live my life honoring my wife and child!

 

i think this tought process is wrong -- how can you know you'll get the happily ever after with your AP even if you do leave your wife? who can guarantee you that you'll actually last with your AP in the next decade or so? who can guarantee you that your wife will stay with you if you decide to end the affair, finally?

 

so instead of choosing between two options; you should deal with one problem at a time - starting with your marriage. finally facing the elephant problems you've swept under the rug, without your AP being involved.

 

nobody starts out thinking they will be in this position...

 

not sure about that. because we all know this to be true:

 

Anytime you see the same person over and over either sexually or emotionally there will be a bond that forms and each day that passes it will become harder and harder to exit.

 

it's logical. but for some reason, we tell ourselves that it will be different and that we won't catch feelings. i'm always susprised at people NOT being aware of the profound damage an affair does to the relationship; i think people do know the truth but somehow, found themselves past the point of caring.

 

that's why you're stuck, i think; that's why the OP is stuck, too... you still didn't face your true emotions and your truth.

 

i apologize if you didn't want any comments on your story; wishing you the best and hopefully, you will make a decision soon because i'm sure you're in a lot of pain, confusion and mental torture. this is incredibly draining.

[Sassy Girl]

That is EXACTLY what has happened here as well. His wife started asking questions and got suspicious. Are you in NC now? How long as it been since you both walked away? How long did the A go for?

 

Very LC... He's searching for another affair. I have made myself unavailable to him. We are friends only and trade emails once a week or two. Nothing personal or sexual. It's been about 9 months since it ended and t went for about 9 months.

[Popsicle]

I am reading through these posts and replies and thinking wow maybe I have been this blind. I am currently married and have been having a 2 year plus Affair with a single mother of two. It started as most, an attraction, then physical affair, then emotional then full blown relationship. I too said I would and could not leave my W for her. we both agreed that it was what it was and nothing more with no expectations from either of us. I had no real marriage problems at the time only my own selfish need for attention from other women. after a year of meeting 2 times a week, texting and calling everyday. It became apparent that we both had very strong feelings and emotional ties. By this time I have already been short changing my loyal wife of emotional support, sex , respect and integrity not to mention the Time that I wouldn't spend with her either because of my own personal guilt or some other twisted reason. my AP and I began seeing each other even more often almost nightly for even a quick 1 hour walk. we began more and more talks of what if? when? the how's? and all the other talks that mess with both ap heads. After 19 months of thinking we were still sneaking around we got caught. My Wife found out, I admitted to cheating but not to the extent or the length of time we were together. I told her it was over and for a quick minute I meant it and I had every intention of ending it. after a 3 second talk and text I was right back with the OW even more strong then ever. now I was making plans to leave since I was sure my marriage would not work out. My every second was consumed with thoughts of the OW and I continued to lie to my wife. The guilt eventually takes over and you are not treating either the way you should. Head spinning everyday, unable to focus on anything except my AP and convinced I wanted to spend my life with her. My mornings were always started off with conflicting feelings, leave my wife....marry my AP and live happily ever after ......No Wait..... Leave my AP and end it forever and live my life honoring my wife and child! Total confusion and insanity. Its been 8 months since my wife found out and I am still with AP and still trying work on my marriage. It seems like a lose lose situation anyway I turn. Truth is I have tried to end the affair over anything and everything under the sun, started fights, etc. and cant last a full 24 hours without contact. nobody starts out thinking they will be in this position and more often then not they are. Anytime you see the same person over and over either sexually or emotionally there will be a bond that forms and each day that passes it will become harder and harder to exit. Good Luck to all .

 

Surely your OW must be frustrated.

 

Hopefully she wakes up and realizes that you won't make the choice she wants you to and goes completely no contact with you, so the whole thing can end for good.

[S2B]

I am reading through these posts and replies and thinking wow maybe I have been this blind. I am currently married and have been having a 2 year plus Affair with a single mother of two. It started as most, an attraction, then physical affair, then emotional then full blown relationship. I too said I would and could not leave my W for her. we both agreed that it was what it was and nothing more with no expectations from either of us. I had no real marriage problems at the time only my own selfish need for attention from other women. after a year of meeting 2 times a week, texting and calling everyday. It became apparent that we both had very strong feelings and emotional ties. By this time I have already been short changing my loyal wife of emotional support, sex , respect and integrity not to mention the Time that I wouldn't spend with her either because of my own personal guilt or some other twisted reason. my AP and I began seeing each other even more often almost nightly for even a quick 1 hour walk. we began more and more talks of what if? when? the how's? and all the other talks that mess with both ap heads. After 19 months of thinking we were still sneaking around we got caught. My Wife found out, I admitted to cheating but not to the extent or the length of time we were together. I told her it was over and for a quick minute I meant it and I had every intention of ending it. after a 3 second talk and text I was right back with the OW even more strong then ever. now I was making plans to leave since I was sure my marriage would not work out. My every second was consumed with thoughts of the OW and I continued to lie to my wife. The guilt eventually takes over and you are not treating either the way you should. Head spinning everyday, unable to focus on anything except my AP and convinced I wanted to spend my life with her. My mornings were always started off with conflicting feelings, leave my wife....marry my AP and live happily ever after ......No Wait..... Leave my AP and end it forever and live my life honoring my wife and child! Total confusion and insanity. Its been 8 months since my wife found out and I am still with AP and still trying work on my marriage. It seems like a lose lose situation anyway I turn. Truth is I have tried to end the affair over anything and everything under the sun, started fights, etc. and cant last a full 24 hours without contact. nobody starts out thinking they will be in this position and more often then not they are. Anytime you see the same person over and over either sexually or emotionally there will be a bond that forms and each day that passes it will become harder and harder to exit. Good Luck to all .

 

Most of all - this isn't doing either woman any good.

 

 

Think about it - it's difficult to keep TWO fires burning at the same time. Whichever one you spend the most effort on - that's the ONE that will burn the brightest.

 

You short change yourself and these women by giving half your effort to two women.

 

They know it and you know it.

 

Stop picking fights with any of the women = that's just cruel.

[sandylee1]

I think saying "if he loved you he would be with you" is an oversimplification and harmful to ow who are already hurting.

 

.

 

I think it hurts because it's true and you need to see it for what it is.

 

One of my brothers left his wife. They had 3 fairly young kids at the time ....he was by far the higher earner too and stood to loose a lot.... but he wasn't happy...so he left. Not because of an OW either. He valued his happiness over money....and he actually spends more quality time with the kids than when he was married.

 

The bottom line is..that the MM is staying for reasons that are more important/valuable to HIM than YOU are. Hard to accept..but true. They're full of excuses for leaving ....just like they're full of excuses for having the A to begin. So It really shouldn't be a suprise that the kind of conflict avoidant man who has an affair...hasn't got what it takes to leave the marriage.

 

You (as the MM) wouldn't want someone as your forever secret if you truly had selfless love for them. Especially in the case of a single OW..where her best years are going by, while you progress with family life.....and there is no thinking of HER dreams of children and /or marriage with you.

[Popsicle]

 

I think it hurts because it's true and you need to see it for what it is.

 

One of my brothers left his wife. They had 3 fairly young kids at the time ....he was by far the higher earner too and stood to loose a lot.... but he wasn't happy...so he left. Not because of an OW either. He valued his happiness over money....and he actually spends more quality time with the kids than when he was married.

 

The bottom line is..that the MM is staying for reasons that are more important/valuable to HIM than YOU are. Hard to accept..but true. They're full of excuses for leaving ....just like they're full of excuses for having the A to begin. So It really shouldn't be a suprise that the kind of conflict avoidant man who has an affair...hasn't got what it takes to leave the marriage.

 

You (as the MM) wouldn't want someone as your forever secret if you truly had selfless love for them. Especially in the case of a single OW..where her best years are going by, while you progress with family life.....and there is no thinking of HER dreams of children and /or marriage with you.

 

While I agree with all of your points, I think what that poster meant is that most OW/OM here know this deep down. Don't need a bunch of people who aren't in the same position as us stating it every 5 mins. Why else do you think people are here and hurting? We know.

[RySant]

@MFIMILL:

 

I hope you get to your senses as I feel so much for your wife. I mean, I hope you can make up your mind. She doesn't deserve this nor your child.

[goodyblue]

While I agree with all of your points, I think what that poster meant is that most OW/OM here know this deep down. Don't need a bunch of people who aren't in the same position as us stating it every 5 mins. Why else do you think people are here and hurting? We know.

 

Omg. Yes. As many times current OW state it, really it is never heard.

[sandylee1]

While I agree with all of your points, I think what that poster meant is that most OW/OM here know this deep down. Don't need a bunch of people who aren't in the same position as us stating it every 5 mins. Why else do you think people are here and hurting? We know.

 

The way I read it....is that the OW was saying it's not as simple as he doesn't love you enough to leave. From what most OW post..they buy into the excuses of kids/religion or other reasons for not leaving.

 

So I really don't think most OW here get it.... if they do..they don't say so and reinforcing that ..can't cause any more hurt to them . than their participation in the affair.

 

You may have read it lots of times ...but each new OW that comes here is still thinking she's a rare gem. So while its still a public forum.......I'll say that whenever I deem necessary.

[lemondrop21]

Its been 8 months since my wife found out and I am still with AP and still trying work on my marriage.

 

As long as you are with AP, you are NOT "trying to work on your marriage," whatever you may tell yourself. You may feel like you are trying, but your wife is getting a false version of you, and only half of your emotional energy at best.

 

I'm also not a fan of WS claiming to be working on their marriage while with AP because it makes AP seem so disposable (I suppose that's the truth of things, though). When your marriage gets to a certain point of improvement, will you drop AP/

[sandylee1]

As long as you are with AP, you are NOT "trying to work on your marriage," whatever you may tell yourself. You may feel like you are trying, but your wife is getting a false version of you, and only half of your emotional energy at best.

 

I'm also not a fan of WS claiming to be working on their marriage while with AP because it makes AP seem so disposable (I suppose that's the truth of things, though). When your marriage gets to a certain point of improvement, will you drop AP/

 

Very true. Only when the BW leaves then you hear WS claiming eternal love and regret that they've lost everything. Makes no sense at all.

[Popsicle]

The way I read it....is that the OW was saying it's not as simple as he doesn't love you enough to leave. From what most OW post..they buy into the excuses of kids/religion or other reasons for not leaving.

 

So I really don't think most OW here get it.... if they do..they don't say so and reinforcing that ..can't cause any more hurt to them . than their participation in the affair.

 

You may have read it lots of times ...but each new OW that comes here is still thinking she's a rare gem. So while its still a public forum.......I'll say that whenever I deem necessary.

 

You're wrong. The OW don't think their rare gems. If they did they wouldn't be here posting.

[burnt]

You may have read it lots of times ...but each new OW that comes here is still thinking she's a rare gem. So while its still a public forum.......I'll say that whenever I deem necessary.

 

Whenever I'm reading YET another post by yet another new OW here, I don't sense that message of "I think I'm a rare gem", but rather "I think what I'm experiencing is unique". Especially because of the secrecy, the experience of being an OW is so surreal that it's so easy to think it's unique.

 

'Rare gem'? No way. One way or another, from the very start, every OW feels she's a dirty secret--the actual realization doesn't set in until it's all over and the damage is done.

[Missinghim17]

OP, my MM sounds so much like yours that i started to think we had the same one! Mine was always honest with me about never leaving his wife as well. I was the one who chose not to believe him and thought i could change his mind. There were moments when i thought i was getting thru to him where he would give me little hints of hope that it might happen and i still to this day think he actually meant those things in the moment. But the moment would end and i would have to start all over. Most likely he will never leave his wife but he's still holding on to you just incase he changes his mind (which he won't).

 

Think about it. Leaving your wife, going thru a divorce and court process and telling the children and splitting all the asetts...it's too much. I had to tell myself this over and over and learn the hard way. They won't leave their wives but they still want to hold on to the other woman. It's selfish.