Anyone have an affair where MM is honest about loving his wife and no future faking?

[Arieswoman]

Sandylee nails it here in post #41

 

 

"The bottom line is..that the MM is staying for reasons that are more important/valuable to HIM than YOU are. Hard to accept..but true. They're full of excuses for leaving ....just like they're full of excuses for having the A to begin. So It really shouldn't be a suprise that the kind of conflict avoidant man who has an affair...hasn't got what it takes to leave the marriage."

 

 

When I think about the 4 women I know whose husbands actually left them for the OW , (not those situations where they got thrown out after DD and the OW got them by default) in all cases the WS left within 2 months of meeting the AP. In two cases they left a wife with 4 kids ( one a new baby).

[sandylee1]

You're wrong. The OW don't think their rare gems. If they did they wouldn't be here posting.

 

Pop ...you're more realistic having been there and come out the other side.

 

Maybe some don't think they're special....but I see a lot comments like 'we're soul mates'.... 'he's my best friend' ... 'we have so much in common' etc

 

Other such comments about how awful the wife is and how MM wishes he met OW before his wife. That she makes his marriage bearable.....makes her believe she's very special to him. Maybe MM did say that to her...but remember those are the words of a man cheating on his wife.

 

They often think they are giving MM everything he is missing at home and can't believe he has chosen to live in misery rather than be with her. Having heard and believed all the sweet nothings..they feel very special indeed.

 

I do think that the realisation sets in that they aren't as special as they thought ....but that's where letting go becomes difficult.

Of course not every OW thinks this way...but that hurt comes from believing you were loved and special enough for MM to leave his wife. That's what it boils down to for the single OW...wanting him 100%. Feeling you as the OW are enough of a reason to end his marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Other such comments about how awful the wife is and how MM wishes he met OW before his wife. That she makes his marriage bearable.....makes her believe she's very special to him. Maybe MM did say that to her...but remember those are the words of a man cheating on his wife.

 

Yep, just because he's said this line (and many MM and MW say those lines) doesn't mean they actually believe it or mean it either. Usually said in the heat of the moment to manipulate the AP selfishly (not maliciously) and make the AP feel wanted and more desired.

[sandylee1]

Whenever I'm reading YET another post by yet another new OW here, I don't sense that message of "I think I'm a rare gem", but rather "I think what I'm experiencing is unique". Especially because of the secrecy, the experience of being an OW is so surreal that it's so easy to think it's unique.

 

'Rare gem'? No way. One way or another, from the very start, every OW feels she's a dirty secret--the actual realization doesn't set in until it's all over and the damage is done.

 

I agree with the bit about them feeling their experience is unique. ...

And the realisation does hit home for some.

 

 

Yet when you read the story it's just like deja vu. They felt their relationship was like star crossed lovers......yes I've seen those words here before.

 

For some the excitement is so strong....I don't know if being a dirty secret really hits home. I guess it depends on how MM treats you.

 

Nobody likes their heart being messed with...... I just get rather amazed when the OW is experiencing this heartbreak and wants to blame it ALL on the MM.

[sandylee1]

Just to add...I think there are a lot of OW posting here who now 'get it'. From their words I can see they won't sign up for another A.

So..yes NOW they realise they aren't a rare gem ....

 

It's the new posters who are still in a different place..

[Popsicle]

Just to add...I think there are a lot of OW posting here who now 'get it'. From their words I can see they won't sign up for another A.

So..yes NOW they realise they aren't a rare gem ....

 

It's the new posters who are still in a different place..

 

Not really. They're all the same, which is why they come here.

[sandylee1]

Not really. They're all the same, which is why they come here.

 

I disagree...

 

Just because everyone's posting here doesn't mean they're in the same place mentally. ....as far as healing and realisation goes.

 

Those currently in an A ..... are not in the same place as those now married or out of the A..... many of those out of the A like yourself see it very differently. Many have posted on how broken they were to get involved ...but are now blissfully happy with a new guy...not the same as those struggling with NC.

[Liam1]

I had no real marriage problems at the time only my own selfish need for attention from other women.

This will not change if you leave your wife to marry the OW. What you need to do is to change you.

 

after a year of meeting 2 times a week, texting and calling everyday. It became apparent that we both had very strong feelings and emotional ties.

Affairs are not the real world. You really do not know this woman. All you know is that she is willing to date a married man with a child. Like you she is doing something selfish.

 

 

 

After 19 months of thinking we were still sneaking around we got caught. My Wife found out, I admitted to cheating but not to the extent or the length of time we were together.

If you try to reconcile, the truth will be your friend. Trickle truthing your wife will cause her far more pain.

 

 

I told her it was over and for a quick minute I meant it and I had every intention of ending it. after a 3 second talk and text I was right back with the OW even more strong then ever. now I was making plans to leave since I was sure my marriage would not work out.

Your wife sounds as if she is plan b. Are you sure you love her?

 

The fact that you are waffling suggests that you neither love your wife fully or the AP fully.

 

Anytime you see the same person over and over either sexually or emotionally there will be a bond that forms and each day that passes it will become harder and harder to exit. Good Luck to all .

Yes SOMETIMES a bond will form. No bond formed in my case. Over time I started to dislike the OW. When comparing her in my mind to my wife, my wife always came out on top.

 

Have you thought about what real life would be like with the OW.

 

Affairs can often be addicting. Addictions are difficult to break.

 

Cold turkey works best, IMO.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Grey Cloud,

 

Two quick questions. Frist you are engaged in a EA not a PA.

 

Second I understand the whys you mentioned for this relationship and what you got out of it. Have you considered your husband feels the same way towards you? That both of you are avoiding a hard subject rather then be open. It is hard to tell a spouse you find them unable at this time to be who you need and why.

 

As a BS I can say you have no idea how this will hurt your husband. You might not know how lonely he is. There has been a detachment in your marriage and these thing cascade.

 

My exWW was shocked when on DDay I told her I wish she had come to me 6 years earlier and asked me for a divorce. That I was very unhappy for 6 years. I would have been relived if she asked for a divorce. Why didn't I approach her? I could give a lot of reasons (but not kids, we had none) but honestly I don't know. But I will never let something likes this happen again.

 

Do I guess I am asking you to comment to find a way if posdible to have with your husband what your OM gave you. Be blunt, if he does not hear you suggest a separation. Have a plan in place on childcare, on money, stress no dating and after cleaning up all your media device give him all passwords and demand the same of him. While separated be sure to text often with each other. This will help ressuare both of you of intent and often it is easier to text then speak. Finally have an MC lined up and make clear it is MC or divorce.

 

If this appeals to you start a new thread as there will be many nuances to watch out for.

[Daisy2013]

In the very beginning, we talked of being together after my kids graduated HS, which was several years down the road. Then, he "woke up." It went from us being together, to him saying I'm dreaming of us being together, but I don't think I can ever give you what you want because I need my kids to see what commitment is." His kids are engaged to be married.

 

To this day, he will still say "I'm holding onto our dream," and "maybe, one day,". but I know it won't happen. If I ask "how does the maybe play out, he replies "I don't know." So I guess I can say no, he isn't future faking per se, as he told me the reality.

[Midwestmissy]

Daisy, one of my favorite quotes from teddy Roosevelt goes something like "in any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing and the worst is to do nothing". Not making a concrete decision IS the decision he's made. Do you think he's acting weakly? I'd be infuriated with nebulous answers. He's caught in the middle not because 2 women gave put him there, but because he's exactly where he wants to be. You walk, the triangle collapses and reality has to be dealt with. "Pending" is a very easy place for folks to hang out - they think it keeps them from making the wrong choice, but it's in fact the worst thing to do. Maybe you are afraid to take a concrete stance too?

[heartwhole]

Some cheaters are serial cheaters and it's just a game. They'll future fake you like there's no tomorrow (because there isn't . . . ba dump dump).

 

But I think many women are in relationships with MM who really feel an emotional connection, and they are not lying per se when they say, "How great would it be if we could be together?" Technically they aren't future-faking because they're not saying, "I just need more time and then I'll leave my wife and we'll be together." But the effect is the same. If you have this incredible connection with a man and he's all "No one has ever made me feel this way" and "How incredible would we be together" etc etc, then you're going to keep falling deeper and deeper until you land with a thud. Meanwhile, he's patting himself on the back for being so "honest." Yeah, buddy, that's not honesty.

[imsosad]

I think it depends. Some future fake to keep the cake eating going. Others say stuff in the heat of the moment but when push comes to shove, they stay.

I think it has less to do with how much in love the aps are and more with how unbearable the marriage is. When a marriage is true hell, you will leave anyway. Leaving a reasonably good marriage because you fell in love is immature,in my eyes.

I don't know if my ex ap future faked. We both did,a little. I dont feel either of us was deliberately leading the other on. He talked more about being together, i knew deep down i was not going anywhere.

We had one very serious conversation, we did an inventory:six children, two mortgages, life savings, extended families, friends, routines, school districts. Bottom line was, we both were in considerably good marriages. Our day to day lives were good. Mess up ten lives because,on the verge of forty, we feel in love seemed selfish and doomed to fail.

We have both been in love before. The initial madness wears off andwe both have partners we care about.

Does it seem very cold?

I felt were being realistic.

I have to stress,though. Given all the factors, if my M was bad, i would have left. I did not want to leave because i knew i could be happy in my M, if i put my efforts there. Funnily enough, it was my A that brought me to this revelation.

Tldr;I think future faking is many times an expression of wishful thinking. People leave when their M is intolerable, not when they fall in love.

[Lady2163]

I'm not a rare gem, but I do have what I think to be a unique backstory with the XMM.

 

I first met him when I was a teenager. He had been married a few years at that point. He was in a distant relative's social circle and while they didn't work together, one of them provided a service for the other. So, my parents and I got to visit the distant relatives and I come in contact with the good looking man. I had never been kissed, but was entering the boy crazy years. I did try to get his attention, found out he was married and then promptly pouted. Because that's what teens do.

 

Then I was seduced at age 16 by a MM 20 years older than I was. Hello, sexual awakening and warped views. Many people here may not relate to being as naive as I was at 16. Very small town, just not sophisticated. I hadn't done any experimenting with boys my own age because....they would TALK!

 

Fast forward to a family event when I am over age 18. XMM is again present, and his wife was not around. He now has a toddler. I made the first move and we had a one night stand. That was pretty damn amazing. This was before email and cell phones - even before calling cards. There was no way to stay in touch privately. I could have sent a letter to his work place. I suppose.

 

When I divorced and moved back to the approximate area, I did look up several of my old flames. This would have been the Internet age. I found XMM, he had a bit of a google presence. Still married and more kids. I didn't contact him.

 

After not seeing each other for 20 years we again meet at a family event. We chat briefly. The next day he found me online and I avoided taking the bait over the course of several emails.

 

But I did take the bait. And we had a seven year relationship. We are still friends.

 

He is more logic and reasoned based. I'm not sure he is the type to really immerse himself in romantic love. There were enough comments that indicated to me, his marriage is sound, but still one of convenience. It's more than just a partnership and equality, which is why I say convenience. Personally, i don't think he could flourish without her domestic skills and I don't think she could flourish without his paycheck. I'm not saying this makes either of them awful people. It just is what it is.

 

He didn't future fake with me. It has been ten years and my memory of the actual conversation is spotty, but I never had any illusions he was leaving his wife. While he may be a bit unenamored with romantic love, I'm quite confident in saying he loves his now adult children. He spends more time with them than many parents. He is generous with his money (I think he's a bit of a tightwad) with them. His kids are ridiculously happy, healthy, well-adjusted, good citizens. I won't say that things have been easy for them in life, but they have worked hard in school, athletics and job. They were obviously given a great foundation at home because I never heard a single story about even an iota of teen drama and angst. They are like Stepford children! Nah, I say that with humor.

 

I'd like to believe he is 99% happy in his marriage. I don't think he would ever divorce her and I don't think he will have another affair. His sex life isn't going to change and I think he is able to compartmentalize and is all right.

 

I do think the guy just needs a friend. Humans are social creatures. He is in an occupation where someone always wants something from him and the more they can get from him, the better. We still talk, but not regularly, not always (rarely) when there is a crisis. I think when he does call me, he just needs someone who doesn't look at him as a father, husband or what he can do for them. I think I'm a timeout, not an EA.

 

Did I wonder what it would be like? Of course. But don't read too much into that. I've been divorced almost 20 years and I still wonder on a much more regular basis what my life would be if I had just stuck it out in that crappy marriage.

[Grapesofwrath]

My xMM told me right up front he loved his wife and had no intention on leaving. I was absolutely fine with that. I didn't want him for myself.

 

He started to get attached and his wife noticed a change in him. Nothing specific, that he would tell me anyway. She didn't have any evidence...But she asked him uncomfortable questions and he realised he was under suspicion.

 

We both decided it would be best to end it. We knew there was never a future. Never even entertained the idea.

 

This was my scenario as well--no future faking, "I love two women," etc.--except after his wife got suspicious he just got better at lying to her. Over time, I learned that many members of their family kept secrets from her, our A being just one of them. I asked him why everyone kept secrets from her and he said, "She is just so black & white about everything." At the time, I accepted that answer but later I realized it was BS and the real answer is that they are all just spineless cowards who don't want to rock the boat with her. Everyone too busy pretending that they are the perfect wholesome family.

 

When I tried to end it the first few times, he would start to weep. Manipulation. I was just manipulated over and over again by him so he could continue to get what he wanted from me without risk and without committment.

 

NC was the only way to go. I am free now from the A, but I still get very angry when I think about it. I have been thinking about it lately, which is why I'm back after a long break. I'm sure the anger would dissipate if I expressed it to him, but I don't want to break NC so here I am....dumping it on you all.

[lemondrop21]

Wow, Grapes I was surprised to see your name today. How are you doing? How long has it been NC for you? I'm proud of you for having gotten out of the A. I wasn't sure if your absence was because of that or because you were back in. So happy to see it's the former. Good for you.

 

This was my scenario as well--no future faking, "I love two women," etc.--except after his wife got suspicious he just got better at lying to her. Over time, I learned that many members of their family kept secrets from her, our A being just one of them. I asked him why everyone kept secrets from her and he said, "She is just so black & white about everything." At the time, I accepted that answer but later I realized it was BS and the real answer is that they are all just spineless cowards who don't want to rock the boat with her. Everyone too busy pretending that they are the perfect wholesome family.

 

When I tried to end it the first few times, he would start to weep. Manipulation. I was just manipulated over and over again by him so he could continue to get what he wanted from me without risk and without committment.

 

NC was the only way to go. I am free now from the A, but I still get very angry when I think about it. I have been thinking about it lately, which is why I'm back after a long break. I'm sure the anger would dissipate if I expressed it to him, but I don't want to break NC so here I am....dumping it on you all.

[Grapesofwrath]

Hi Lemon: Thank you for the kind shout out. The truth is that I did get drawn back into the affair for a brief period. These things are insanely sticky and I am ashamed to admit to all of you that I allowed it to happen. It wasn't like before, but we were still seeing each other maybe once or twice a week. I don't know why I allowed it. I guess I figured that something was better than nothing. Only it isn't. I deluded myself into thinking that I could hang around with him occasionally while staying open to meeting someone who is right for me. This is also not true. I kept getting angrier and angrier at him for using me as a soft shoulder to cry on/cuddle into and offering me nothing real in return. He just seemed happy as a pig in $hit to continue giving me these ever decreasing crumbs. Sub-atomic particles. And I watched him lie and lie more and more. I'm amazed there has been no D-day, frankly. His niece was questioning his whereabouts. His SIL (niece's mother) started staying at the house all the time, too.

 

One evening he told me that his SIL's serial cheating had been outed to his wife by an acquaintance at a party. He lied to his wife and acted all shocked (His SIL has been telling him about this stuff for years.) I questioned him that night about his SIL and if she had ever hit on him. He said "no" but I could tell he was lying. If she really had never done that, I think he would have been shocked by the question. He just issued a flat "no." I lay in bed that night and asked my gut...do you think he's lying? Do you think they slept together? And I knew he was lying about that. That he had probably slept with her. Lying to me like he lies to everyone. That was the last straw for me. Now he just makes me sick. That was a few months ago. NC since then. Every day stronger.

 

Wow, Grapes I was surprised to see your name today. How are you doing? How long has it been NC for you? I'm proud of you for having gotten out of the A. I wasn't sure if your absence was because of that or because you were back in. So happy to see it's the former. Good for you.

Edited March 14, 2016 by Grapesofwrath

[Liam1]

I think it depends. Some future fake to keep the cake eating going. Others say stuff in the heat of the moment but when push comes to shove, they stay.

I think it has less to do with how much in love the aps are and more with how unbearable the marriage is. When a marriage is true hell, you will leave anyway. Leaving a reasonably good marriage because you fell in love is immature,in my eyes.

 

Good point, but in reality IMO, what happens with most men is the Lust starts to wear off and the affair partner gets bored with sex with the affair partner. In the initial stages of lust, the man may confuse it with love, but then they wake up to reality.

 

The problem with most women who seek affairs IMO, is that if the MM does not fake his professed love for her they start to feel used. So the guy plays the game to keep the cake coming.

 

Also, if you were to marry an affair partner, How long do you think it would be before the two of you got bored and started looking for an affair.

 

IMO, people in affairs, hate the idea of their spouse cheating on them, even though they are cheating.