Future faking

[norudder]

Just want to point out that its easy to get hung up on that term in an affair. I think its important to keep the perspective that both genders can do this even in a non affair relationship about lots of issues. Getting engaged, getting a job, wanting kids, quitting smoking/drinking/drugs. I get this forum is specifically for those in affairs but one of the most helpful things for me ending my affair and getting to a healthier place was a shift to this mentality. A change in thought process to handling it like a non affair relationship. A lot of the best advice I had the time was from others who framed it that way. For some ow, they do that and its still ok for them but for me, I realized it wasn't. Open to thoughts to the contrary. Just sharing in case that thought helps someone.

[Grey Cloud]

I think that is a good way of looking at it. I keep reminding myself that in a non affair relationship once you break up, you tend to move forwards and not contact them again. But in an affair relationship NC just seems so much more difficult!!

[sophinla]

There is a difference between someone who has a million dollar in the bank readily available and making plans to build a house, versus someone who doesn't have a million dollar in the bank because he/she got all of it tied up in a mortgage somewhere else, and planning on building a new house also.

 

Who gets to build the new house in the future? No one knows. But which one is a better investment? Everyone should know.

[MuddyFootprints]

What kind of foundation can a million dollars build on quicksand?

[lemondrop21]

I think that is a good way of looking at it. I keep reminding myself that in a non affair relationship once you break up, you tend to move forwards and not contact them again. But in an affair relationship NC just seems so much more difficult!!

I think this is due to a combination of factors - the "drama" of the affair; sometimes the future faking ("maybe if I had just hung on a few more months like he/she asked me to..."); and the fact that in many in cases, both parties have strong feelings for each other and the breakup is so that one or both can try to repair their marriage and do right by their spouse.

 

To expand on the last point, in a regular breakup, it's usually the case that one person no longer feels invested in the relationship, has given it some thought, looks the other person in the eye and says "I don't want to be with you anymore." While this type of pain is sharp and devastating, when you can see the resolve in their eyes, you realize you have no choice but to move on.

 

On the other hand, when WS delivers their typical breakup lines ("I care about you but I want to give my marriage a chance," "I can't leave because of the kids/finances/spouse illness/whatever," etc.) the focus is not on their feelings for the OW/OM, but rather on the circumstances keeping them apart. This is harder to let go of as you can so easily get sucked into the mentality of being star-crossed lovers in some great tragedy.

 

There's also the fact that in the majority of cases, WS is sitting there wanting you to break NC or even actively trying to break NC themselves during moments of weakness. During a regular breakup, the one who initiated it is likely less interested in making contact.

[elaine567]

...the mentality of being star-crossed lovers in some great tragedy.

 

^^^^ this

...............

[elaine567]

Too many are in the "romance of the century", when in reality it is just some MM trying to relive his "glory days", satisfying his sexual needs, trying to get away from his "boring" wife, or attempting to inject a bit of excitement into his life.

[uneek74]

Elaine:Too many are in the "romance of the century", when in reality it is just some MM trying to relive his "glory days", satisfying his sexual needs, trying to get away from his "boring" wife, or

 

 

attempting to inject a bit of excitement into his life.

 

 

What about the MM who have been with their OW for several years, (over 5 or more? Do you think they are still trying to relive their glory days as you put it or get away from their boring wife/excitement? I would venture to say, it's way more than that. That's a long time to keep someone on a string for those reasons. I am not saying it can't happen, but unlikely!

[Sassy Girl]

Elaine:Too many are in the "romance of the century", when in reality it is just some MM trying to relive his "glory days", satisfying his sexual needs, trying to get away from his "boring" wife, or

 

 

attempting to inject a bit of excitement into his life.

 

 

What about the MM who have been with their OW for several years, (over 5 or more? Do you think they are still trying to relive their glory days as you put it or get away from their boring wife/excitement? I would venture to say, it's way more than that. That's a long time to keep someone on a string for those reasons. I am not saying it can't happen, but unlikely!

 

It's a long time for an OW allow herself to be kept "on a string"... Id be very skeptical of the "star crossed" thing each year he remained married. If someone wants to be with you that bad, they will. But we believe what we need to to get through I suppose. To each their own.

[elaine567]

Elaine:Too many are in the "romance of the century", when in reality it is just some MM trying to relive his "glory days", satisfying his sexual needs, trying to get away from his "boring" wife, or attempting to inject a bit of excitement into his life.

 

What about the MM who have been with their OW for several years, (over 5 or more? Do you think they are still trying to relive their glory days as you put it or get away from their boring wife/excitement? I would venture to say, it's way more than that. That's a long time to keep someone on a string for those reasons. I am not saying it can't happen, but unlikely!

It may be, it may not be, I did not say or claim ALL.

It is definitely possible to be in a long-standing but essentially still superficial arrangement, at least on the part of one side of the "partnership".

Time together does not necessarily equate to "love", as many here have found out to their distress.

[uneek74]

Elaine: Point taken, but I still say, not too many men, are going to stay in a twenty year A for fun, or coot! especially when there are a lot of other willing participants. I would love to see what men who have been in Long term A think about this. T

Edited February 7, 2016 by uneek74
add info

[sophinla]

Reading posts on LS is so depressing sometimes.

 

If a man keeps a woman in an affair for 20 years, does it really matter what the man thinks? An average woman's prime fertility years is about 15, give and take. After 20 years of affair, the man would've robbed the woman most of her golden years, probably a chance to have her own family and children, while enjoying his own family and keeping his life intact.

 

And you want to argue that this man value the woman more than just something for fun? This man makes those married men that bed women briiefly and then let them go almost noble.

[uneek74]

Soph :Welp, perhaps you should not subject yourself to things that affect you in such a way. To each his own! BTW opinions are not the same as arguments!

[Arieswoman]

uneek post #8,

 

 

"What about the MM who have been with their OW for several years, (over 5 or more? Do you think they are still trying to relive their glory days as you put it or get away from their boring wife/excitement? I would venture to say, it's way more than that. That's a long time to keep someone on a string for those reasons. I am not saying it can't happen, but unlikely!"

 

 

^^ An interesting question...

 

 

After I divorced my WS, he bought a house with his AP 6 months later. However, he wouldn't let her live with him (despite the fact her name was on the deeds !!) She stayed with her mother but came round regularly to cook, clean for him and have sex. He told her he "needed more time".

 

 

Obviously there was no need for him to get married to her as "there was no need to buy the cow when he was getting the milk for free".

 

 

Four years later it seems she got tired of waiting, her biological time clock was ticking (she was now 29 and he was 39) so she conveniently got pregnant and they married.

 

 

After DD the excitement of the affair was gone, he was having to deal with reality, and technically she was no longer an OW, however, IMO he was still stringing her along for his own convenience.

I suspect a lot of MM with long-term mistresses continue the arrangement because it's "convenient" and as long as no-one rocks the boat they are happy to let it continue.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Arieswoman

[Arieswoman]

sophina post #12,

 

 

"If a man keeps a woman in an affair for 20 years, does it really matter what the man thinks? An average woman's prime fertility years is about 15, give and take. After 20 years of affair, the man would've robbed the woman most of her golden years, probably a chance to have her own family and children, while enjoying his own family and keeping his life intact.

 

And you want to argue that this man value the woman more than just something for fun? This man makes those married men that bed women briiefly and then let them go almost noble."

 

 

I can't say I agree with all of this.

 

 

These women choose to be in the situation, they are not kept there.

 

My WS's OP chose to wait 4 years for him to decide that he wanted to marry her.

 

 

I also know of another women who was an OW for 25 years. Yes, you read that right 25 years. She finally came to her senses when she woke up alone on the morning of her 50th birthday, decided she needed a better deal and dumped him.

[MJJean]

What about the MM who have been with their OW for several years, (over 5 or more? Do you think they are still trying to relive their glory days as you put it or get away from their boring wife/excitement? I would venture to say, it's way more than that. That's a long time to keep someone on a string for those reasons. I am not saying it can't happen, but unlikely!

 

I had a 6 year affair, but I'm not a guy. Do I count?

 

Why did I keep him for so long? Simple. We were friends and the sex was great. No more, no less. At least, on my end.

 

At year 6, he said he was ready to settle down and wanted it to be with me. He had it all worked out. I'd leave my exH, move myself and my daughter in with him, when the divorce was final we'd get married, and then maybe have a baby or few.

 

I hightailed it out of there at high speed. I had no wish to be his GF or his wife or his baby momma. I just wanted to enjoy his company and have sex, not have a relationship.

[sophinla]

 

These women choose to be in the situation, they are not kept there.

 

 

Of course the women have to be willing, but why are women in such hopeless situations still willing? That my friend is the art of cake eaing, and involves skills like future faking as discussed in this thread.

 

How about the cheater just give it to the woman straight, look I'm bored with my wife and I would like to have sex with you for the next 20 years while I give all my resources to another woman and the kids i have with her. Would the woman still be willing?

 

Uninformed or misinformed choice is no choice at all.

[uneek74]

uneek post #8,

 

 

"What about the MM who have been with their OW for several years, (over 5 or more? Do you think they are still trying to relive their glory days as you put it or get away from their boring wife/excitement? I would venture to say, it's way more than that. That's a long time to keep someone on a string for those reasons. I am not saying it can't happen, but unlikely!"

 

 

^^ An interesting question...

 

 

After I divorced my WS, he bought a house with his AP 6 months later. However, he wouldn't let her live with him (despite the fact her name was on the deeds !!) She stayed with her mother but came round regularly to cook, clean for him and have sex. He told her he "needed more time".

 

 

Obviously there was no need for him to get married to her as "there was no need to buy the cow when he was getting the milk for free".

 

 

Four years later it seems she got tired of waiting, her biological time clock was ticking (she was now 29 and he was 39) so she conveniently got pregnant and they married.

 

 

After DD the excitement of the affair was gone, he was having to deal with reality, and technically she was no longer an OW, however, IMO he was still stringing her along for his own convenience.

I suspect a lot of MM with long-term mistresses continue the arrangement because it's "convenient" and as long as no-one rocks the boat they are happy to let it continue.

 

Wow, it appears he was waiting for a better deal, this is an extreme case of an AP that does fit the bill of being in it for the fun and games, and sex. I think, I am talking more about the ones, who have a different kind of relationship, for instance, I was with My MM 10 yrs, but sex was very minimal in the ten years. Probably less than 20 times. We hung out, did lots together and were great friends, and still are. I know he didn't stay that long just for some good sex, being bored and fun and games. Especially with all the Ddays and hard times that occurred within that time frame. I am just saying there are exceptions. We didn't want to leave our prospective relationships for our own reasons. I guess I see it different. (shrugs shoulders)

[uneek74]

I had a 6 year affair, but I'm not a guy. Do I count?

 

Why did I keep him for so long? Simple. We were friends and the sex was great. No more, no less. At least, on my end.

 

At year 6, he said he was ready to settle down and wanted it to be with me. He had it all worked out. I'd leave my exH, move myself and my daughter in with him, when the divorce was final we'd get married, and then maybe have a baby or few.

 

I hightailed it out of there at high speed. I had no wish to be his GF or his wife or his baby momma. I just wanted to enjoy his company and have sex, not have a relationship.

 

 

Your intentions were clear from the beginning, therefore, a LTA was not on your radar. This is kinda different from what I am trying to get across. I know there are those out there that just want the sex, and fun. But I have read here post that support what my theory is. I just think, there are some situations that are more in depth. There are a lot of people who want the kind of relationship you are speaking of however. Did you ever get married?