Intentions and Motivation of MM

[13Hearts]

Unless you were there when he had that conversation with his wife - you can't believe it happened.

 

MM lie - they lie all the time.

 

Yes, it is difficult to trust a person who "cheats on" their spouse. I don't recommend it. I have found in all situations where there is difficulty with human beings that it is better to focus on your SELF, and the behaviors of all, NOT the other person or their characteristics or qualities. That way, it is easier to keep myself from getting caught up in dysfunction or becoming dysfunctional myself.

 

This is also why I told him from the beginning that I am not the kind of woman who has an affair with a MM, that I am not the kind of woman who would tolerate a relationship with a man who has other women in his life, that I was (and am) looking for a relationship with a man who is available nights and weekends and for regular vacations, and that if what he was saying was true, he could let me know when he was separated and not living with her anymore. That was in the beginning.

 

After believing what he had been saying for a few months and coming to the realization that he was not going to be moving out of the marriage home anytime soon, I decided he would need to be fully divorced and completely finished with all of that business before I would allow him back into my life. He hung on to me for years after that but I had already emotionally detached from him so it didn't matter what he did or tried to do to keep me involved. I'm just not the kind of girl who hangs on to people who can't or won't maintain a non-dysfunctional life. It's not healthy for me. But I had to learn all this the hard way. It seems other people do, too.

[13Hearts]

What? That is not what I heard at all. I thought her post was about how she felt empowered.

 

Yes, that's how I meant it. But I can see how that could be lost in all the sharing of detail about who said what and how things played out and all that. I could see how very easy it would be to get caught up in an affair with a MM. It sure is a lot of fun. But I've been in a lot of relationships and now know very clearly what I want (whereas before all this relationship experience I focused mostly on the negatives), and I know well what I will and will not accept from a partner. Breaking up with people is also old hat to me (even though it hurts a lot and is very difficult to do), whereas MM has less experience breaking up and working through the resulting heartache and all that. NC is also pretty easy for me because I've had to do it so many times, whereas he would tell me how excrutiatingly painful it was for him which I completely understand because I was new at it once too.

 

Anyway, sorry if I'm rambling or talking about myself too much.

[13Hearts]

What I meant is you say you're not this nor that(attorney/financial counselor) .but--you stay. Meaning you're not boundary setting yourself....it's not about what he does but about what you allow. Perhaps your post is about you recognizing you are beginning to recognize you do have boundaries.

Oh, sorry I wasn't clear. I am not with him and have not been for a very long time. I was only really with him for about 3 months but cut off the relationship when I realized things were not happening at the pace I thought they would. Waiting for a married person to separate and divorce would drive a person INSANE; just read all the posts here from people who are doing it.

 

He told me they had separated before because he wanted to (not her) but couldn't afford two houses. So he had to move back in. She asked for MC, he agreed and went, but then told her he wanted a divorce so they stopped MC, and he is apparently trying to sell the house. IDK though because I refuse to get in the middle of someone else's divorce and I don't want to be in a relationship where you have to check up on the other person on things that are so basic to even being in the relationship in the first place. Like I say, everyone needs to be responsible for themselves and their side of the street. And mine is just not someone else's marriage, separation, or divorce.

[13Hearts]

This was a great post and the last line made me laugh out loud!

 

You are absolutely right, it makes you damn near crazy. People cope with it in different ways. For me, the amount of time I've spent researching types of affairs, motivations behind affairs, ending affairs, etc. etc. is embarrassing. I've fallen behind in my graduate coursework although I'm getting back on track now (but I can never make up the time I lost). I need to just DO SOMETHING ELSE and fortunately I am getting better at that.

 

Thanks LemonDrop. You telling me you LOL'ed made me LOL, which I really needed. I'm going through some really heartbreaking and difficult things right now (not related to MM, affairs, or anything like that; something with my family) so posting here and having these conversations is really helpful to me.

 

Oh, there is no need to be embarrassed! Honestly, think of all of that as research. I've done the same thing as you when confronted by such dysfunction in my relationships in the past. I am practically an expert in addiction issues and psychopathy because of past BFs I loved LOL I could likely write a dissertation on at least alcoholism

 

So yeah, the reason I've found I am that way is because of how my brain works. Apparently our brains are similar, which makes sense because I also have a graduate degree. In order to get over things, I have to understand them enough so that I can develop and test my own theories about what causes a person to act a certain way (especially because I tend to blame myself for things) and how that affects relationships. Once I've resolved whatever question I had, I can push that nagging issue aside so I can then focus on what is REALLY important to me, such as work assignments, personal projects, chores, or what have you.

 

So if you're still neglecting your grad school work, try to narrow down your issues to 3 or less specific questions and see if you can make a few leaps to confidently resolve those, and that should free your brain up so you can focus and get your work done!

 

Can I ask what your graduate work is in? I love to talk w people about what they're working on!

[13Hearts]

And therein lies a lot of the problems, being a MM seems to elevate a man into being a cut above.

"He is willing to cheat on his wife with li'l old me, so he MUST think I am SOOOO special."

I suppose this could be true for some people. It was not true for me.

 

But I think women in general elevate men, and are flattered when "he chose me!" But that's likely because human societies value males more than females. Just look at what, traditionally, marriage has been. A man chooses the woman he wants and women feel good about that ("I'm the best, he chose me!"). It's rare for the woman to ask the man to marry her and is looked at as pretty desperate. An unmarried woman past a certain age is looked down upon and called an old maid. But what is an older unmarried man? A bachelor! Once married, you call him your husband and he calls you his wife. There is ownership and possession in that. Human societies have males paying money to other males to choose their females (daughters), and larger dowries entice the purchaser.

 

So, I'm not convinced that OW think they're such special snowflakes because a man chooses to "cheat on" his wife, but more likely feels that way due to much larger, much stronger forces at play. And because affair fog just makes you feel so fantastic.

[13Hearts]

That is essentially the hook, line and sinker... Not trying to disrespect any of these ladies but--many of these relationships start out with flattery...you're the most, I've never felt this, never thought anyone would ever get me...but few progress. And statistically the ones that do rarely survive. But--what these ladies don't realize is these people are mostly conflicted. They REALLY do feel that way at the time...it doesn't change the fact you are special to them...they are NOT lying when they say, " if I'd only met you first."...but--they didn't and they've already decided....

 

So true! And what is that funny saying?

 

Flattery will get you everywhere.