quirky Posted April 5, 2001 Share Posted April 5, 2001 I am writing to day merely to lessen the burden of my heart.I thank anyone who reads and responds for their time and concideration.I was dating a guy for a few months.Everything was just starting to fall into place.The first attempt I had made at a real relationship since I left my ex over a year ago.I though I was ready to give it a go..see what happens..throw caution to the wind..etc etc.It was all going so well.Then he ended it.He decided he wanted to go back to his ex girlfriend..whom he claims hes still in love with.My questions are these.... 1)Can a man be in love with two women at the same time..and I mean really in love. 2)is this a sign of co-dependancy,his going back to his ex when we had nothing wrong in our relationship 3)How do i move on? I am so devistated by this Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 5, 2001 Share Posted April 5, 2001 1. "1)Can a man be in love with two women at the same time..and I mean really in love." Anyone, male or female, can be in love with more than one person simultaneously. However, I doubt all the loves will be of identical intensity or agenda. Many married people are still in love with ex's but the are committed to their spouse. Committment is the key here. Your boyfriend lacked committment to you or he would have remained with you despite the opportunity to get back with his ex. 2)is this a sign of co-dependancy,his going back to his ex when we had nothing wrong in our relationship No, more a sign of confusion. He may not be sure of his feelings at all. If he was with her for a long time, there is a strong attachment bond. He may want one more chance to find out if it can work. He probably wasn't nearly over that relationship when he started to see you. You have to be cautious of dating people who are recently out of relationships. It takes some people years to get over relationships, others seem to heal rather quickly. He basically made a choice and it really had nothing to do with you. He went back because he had more of a bond and a history with his ex. However, the same dynamics that caused them to break up once will likely still be there and there's a good chance it won't last. However, you would be an absolute fool to take him back. 3)How do i move on? I am so devistated by this There's no good answer for this. Learn from your mistakes, wish your guy well, and feel whatever you need to feel. Discuss your feelings with friends (but don't overdo it), family, write them into a journal, etc. Time heals all and I don't think it will take you a lot of time to get through this. You have to understand this love stuff isn't easy. You can't get through it without some pain. Perhaps you weren't really over your past situation sufficiently either. But you've got to take the attitude that relationships may or may not work. You are best to nurture them very gradually, over time, so they are built on a strong foundation. That helps them last a lot longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 5, 2001 Share Posted April 5, 2001 Yes, it is possible for him to have feelings for or even love 2 people, but not in-love. How long had it been since he and his ex broke up, before dating you? That is very important. If he started dating you shortly after they broke up, then (I hate saying this) but you were a rebound or an atempt to make her jealous - not that he didn't develop any feelings for you in the meantime. Now you were more or less a possible rebound, if she did the breaking up with him. If that's the case, then one of the reasons she may be getting back with him, is because of ownership. She didn't like him moving on so soon and just wanted him away from you. Kind of like "you were mine once, and you can never be anyone else's" or "how dare you get over me so quickly and be happy with another." This doesn't mean she was in love with him, it just means she doesn't want anyone else to have him. If this is the case, once she get's him back, she'll realize "That was easy. At least I know he's still whipped ... anyway, time to dump him again." Then she'll do this everytime he tries to move on, until he get's sick of the game and finally loses all feeling for her. That's when he'll regret leaving you. Please don't take his rejection personally (Although I know if feels that way). It's just that he had baggage before he met you and wasn't ready to move on when he met you. Whatever the case may be, my suggestion is to play it cool. DO NOT call him and turn psycho. He will start to miss you if you stay totally away from him. The only problem is, if his ex dumps him again (which is most likely - if that's even what happened), it will be you that he'll come back to. If you take him back, the ex will want him again, and he'll leave you. Thus a cycle has been born. What's the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I know this guy will call you again, but do yourself a favor, no matter what he says, he's not ready for something new with anyone. He's too confused. Best to move on now (though easier said than done), that it's only been a couple of months, rather than a couple of years. I've been through the same thing you're going through right now, except I've been through it 3 times, with 3 different guys. The first time was 6 yrs, the 2nd was 2 yrs, and the 3 time was 1 yr. I've learned my lesson. All the names and faces have changed, but the situations have remained the same. Anyway, again, it's nothing you did, it's all him and his baggage. Put his shoe on your foot. If you still have feelings for him and another guy wanted to date you, you wouldn't be ready, even if he was Brad Pitt. You'd go on the date to try to soothe your pain, but your heart wouldn't be into it, until you were fully over this guy. That's what he's going through. It's not you, it's the situation. Give him time and space and see what happens. Good luck and I hope everything works out. Link to post Share on other sites
quirky Posted April 5, 2001 Share Posted April 5, 2001 Why some guys like to leave someone wandering " what the hell happened"??? ------------------------------------------------------------ 1. "1)Can a man be in love with two women at the same time..and I mean really in love." Anyone, male or female, can be in love with more than one person simultaneously. However, I doubt all the loves will be of identical intensity or agenda. Many married people are still in love with ex's but the are committed to their spouse. Committment is the key here. Your boyfriend lacked committment to you or he would have remained with you despite the opportunity to get back with his ex. 2)is this a sign of co-dependancy,his going back to his ex when we had nothing wrong in our relationship No, more a sign of confusion. He may not be sure of his feelings at all. If he was with her for a long time, there is a strong attachment bond. He may want one more chance to find out if it can work. He probably wasn't nearly over that relationship when he started to see you. You have to be cautious of dating people who are recently out of relationships. It takes some people years to get over relationships, others seem to heal rather quickly. He basically made a choice and it really had nothing to do with you. He went back because he had more of a bond and a history with his ex. However, the same dynamics that caused them to break up once will likely still be there and there's a good chance it won't last. However, you would be an absolute fool to take him back. 3)How do i move on? I am so devistated by this There's no good answer for this. Learn from your mistakes, wish your guy well, and feel whatever you need to feel. Discuss your feelings with friends (but don't overdo it), family, write them into a journal, etc. Time heals all and I don't think it will take you a lot of time to get through this. You have to understand this love stuff isn't easy. You can't get through it without some pain. Perhaps you weren't really over your past situation sufficiently either. But you've got to take the attitude that relationships may or may not work. You are best to nurture them very gradually, over time, so they are built on a strong foundation. That helps them last a lot longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 5, 2001 Share Posted April 5, 2001 YOUR QUESTION: "Why some guys like to leave someone wandering " what the hell happened"???" 1. They may not understand how to handle other people's feelings. 2. They may not know why know themselves. 3. They may be emotionally immature. 4. They may be sociopaths. 5. They may just not want to deal with it. 6. They may have never taken the relationship seriously in the first place. 7. It may just be too painful for them to face or address. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts