Did your ws lie to their "other"?

[wmacbride]

First...how would you know if your ws lied? The only way you would know what they told the AP is if they tell the BS what they said.

 

I did not lie to my ap...the om.

I did not criticize my husband

I talked about my family...my husband and my children...often

My situation is a little different...my om...was looking for a conquest...a one time thank you ma'am.

 

So there was no reason for me to lie to him about my family....I had absolutely no intention of committing adultery.

 

I am not sure what you are looking for with your question.

Are there some waywards who paint an ugly picture of their spouse?

I am sure there are.

 

But I did not.

 

I'm asking because I have reached a point where I have questions about A's in more general terms. I understand that many bs who reconcile feel this way. we are often told we need to stop thinking about it and move on, and I can understand why that is what works for some people, but for others, like me, the questions linger. I suppose this could be a part of why you see some on here who are well past reconciliation.

 

I have often wondered if many ws who do say negative things about their bs that are not true really believe what they are saying at the time, twisting things around in their mind to somehow make what they are doing okay.

[wmacbride]

I fully understand your point...and your question. I'm not sure why there was a confusion or lack of comprehension.

 

Some WS lie about their BS..but it's often to tell themselves it's often to justify the A. I think they get so caught up in their own lies they don't know the truth anymore.....at least that's what a few of the WS's I support have said. Rather sad really.

 

I don't understand the confusion either.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm asking because I have reached a point where I have questions about A's in more general terms. I understand that many bs who reconcile feel this way. we are often told we need to stop thinking about it and move on, and I can understand why that is what works for some people, but for others, like me, the questions linger. I suppose this could be a part of why you see some on here who are well past reconciliation.

 

I have often wondered if many ws who do say negative things about their bs that are not true really believe what they are saying at the time, twisting things around in their mind to somehow make what they are doing okay.

 

I am speculating of course...because I did not say ugly things about my husband. But I am sure there are WS's who do tell their AP's lies about their spouse...and in some cases...they most likely do believe some of what they say is true.

 

Most of us tend to "stretch" the truth to validate in our own mind the choices we sometimes make...in many areas of our lives. We sometimes"lie" to ourselves as well as others.

 

Like I said....it would be almost impossible to know exactly what our WS really TOLD the AP. I know my husband told his AP about my affair.....I know they discussed me....has he told me all of the things they said? I dont know....and at this point....it doesn't matter and it doesn't change anything.

Did he lie to her? No...he probably didn't. Did he use her? Most definitely.

[Midwestmissy]

What about lies of omission? If he never discussed his kids, wife, fears, needs, reason for cheating - it wasn't really an intimate honest relationship. I've been with my wh for 28 yrs, we are connected and a pretty big part of each others lives, so pretty relevant. At the end of the day, they really knew nothing about eachother. My husband never met her bh, or her kids, or knew what she did on weekends. Her address. And vice versa. They never went out to dinner, they screwed in hotel rooms, arrived and left separately. He doesn't know what her favorite meal it restaurant is. So to say she was a good listener who never judged him is based on a very small slice of what he let her know. That alone is a pretty big lie. The affair was based on how they wanted to be perceived, which was a big lie. His fear of his business failing was a huge factor in cheating - he led her to believe he was Donald Trump and only experiencing success upon success - which for his lousy greedy wife was never enough. All I did was cry and buy and use him, lol.

[jnel921]

I get that...but---the problem is not the OW....it's the WS not respecting boundaries, commitments, etc. No married woman should have to "defend" herself or have an adversary or competition. Your husband allowed it...there are many men who NEVER cheat. This was his fault. It was his responsibility to protect your bond....don't get confused in your anger. It's easy to transfer anger....harder to place blame where it's deserved.

 

I never said my WH was a saint nor did I not blame him also. I was angrier at my WH! Of course it takes 2 to tango. After the fact, my WH was remorseful, he recognized and acknowledged his actions and the hurt he caused our M. He took action to make sure that I would fall in love with him again and rebuild that trust and our M. It takes time. Its been almost 3 and half years and things are much better.

 

This isn't my first rodeo. My first H was a cheat and that is why I left that M. He lied to me and to the OW and he was not remorseful at all. He refused to acknowledge his actions or even our M to the OW. He was someone who not only crossed boundaries but didn't care to fortify them. It's WS like that that you need to let go and get rid of. Because at that point staying with someone like that who still doesn't respect you, means you are crossing your own integral boundary.

[jnel921]

I get that...but---the problem is not the OW....it's the WS not respecting boundaries, commitments, etc. No married woman should have to "defend" herself or have an adversary or competition. Your husband allowed it...there are many men who NEVER cheat. This was his fault. It was his responsibility to protect your bond....don't get confused in your anger. It's easy to transfer anger....harder to place blame where it's deserved.

 

I never said my WH was a saint nor did I not blame him also. I was angrier at my WH! Of course it takes 2 to tango. After the fact, my WH was remorseful, he recognized and acknowledged his actions and the hurt he caused our M. He took action to make sure that I would fall in love with him again and rebuild that trust and our M. It takes time. Its been almost 3 and half years and things are much better.

 

This isn't my first rodeo. My first H was a cheat and that is why I left that M. He lied to me and to the OW and he was not remorseful at all. He refused to acknowledge his actions or even our M to the OW. He was someone who not only crossed boundaries but didn't care to fortify them. It's WS like that that you need to let go and get rid of. Because at that point staying with someone like that who still doesn't respect you, means you are crossing your own integral boundary.

 

By the way there was never any competition...the OW never had a horse in this race.

[wmacbride]

What about lies of omission? If he never discussed his kids, wife, fears, needs, reason for cheating - it wasn't really an intimate honest relationship. I've been with my wh for 28 yrs, we are connected and a pretty big part of each others lives, so pretty relevant. At the end of the day, they really knew nothing about eachother. My husband never met her bh, or her kids, or knew what she did on weekends. Her address. And vice versa. They never went out to dinner, they screwed in hotel rooms, arrived and left separately. He doesn't know what her favorite meal it restaurant is. So to say she was a good listener who never judged him is based on a very small slice of what he let her know. That alone is a pretty big lie. The affair was based on how they wanted to be perceived, which was a big lie. His fear of his business failing was a huge factor in cheating - he led her to believe he was Donald Trump and only experiencing success upon success - which for his lousy greedy wife was never enough. All I did was cry and buy and use him, lol.

 

This is a very good point. I never thought of it that way, but you are right.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Nope. Mine didn't lie at all that I remember. She just said she was unhappy, even while admitting that she didn't know why, and that I was actually a very loving and caring husband and father. There was even a guy before the OM that she was IM'ing with, looking for an affair and upon hearing this, he told her no interest...go fix your marriage.

 

My guess is he has been on the butt end of this before.

 

No...my wife didn't lie to OM....she lied to me.

[MJJean]

Oh, yeah, my exH lied to his OW's...and everyone else....about everything....sometimes for no logical reason. He was the kind of guy that lied for the sake of lying and if he said the sky was blue, you'd be wise to look out the window to make sure.

[Dylon]

I didn't lied. I defend my wife when she said bad things. I would say, don't say that, it's not true. However, I don't volunteer informations. If I'm asked, I will say, but I don't volunteer information about her because she doesn't want to hear it. So obviously, every WS is different.

[Gigi2015]

I didn't lied. I defend my wife when she said bad things. I would say, don't say that, it's not true. However, I don't volunteer informations. If I'm asked, I will say, but I don't volunteer information about her because she doesn't want to hear it. So obviously, every WS is different.

 

 

What makes you special is your wife...id kick you out...

[Mr. Lucky]

I didn't lied.

 

No lies? So you told your wife where you were when visiting your OW? And you promptly reported to your OW the times you were intimate with your wife?

 

Unusual...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

This is a weird one too.....

 

But my husband was looking for a series of short flings and didn't lie about our marital status or our sexlife etc.

 

In fact, one of the women he was chatting with asked him why he was searching if everything was so great and he was getting laid regularly. He replied "you can't eat steak everyday."

 

But he did lie to some in other ways.

 

For instance, he tried using this really sucky, "oh I saw your profile here and it was so striking to me that I couldn't even contact you at first, then when I saw it again I thought I would give it a shot." Trying to be all flattery.....but the site he was using show when he first saw the profile and she said "you just found me!" Or something similar (I'm getting old, I can't remember everything). I laughed over that one. Totally busted.

 

Then another he wrote to saying how she had x y and z vavue attributes and it was like she was just like his "dream girl." That absolutely crushed me. Until I realized he was copying and pasting it as his intro to a bunch until he realized that wasn't really working all that well either.

 

Overall, just really searching for availability is all that I could come up with. But he didn't want to create a "sob story" about "evil wife." I wouldn't quite call that loyalty though.

[WasOtherWoman]

wmacbride,

 

What the OW never asked him was "If your situation is so bad, and she is so awful to live with, why are you still there?" !!

 

EXACTLY, this is what all OWs should be asking their MMs. My MM never complained about his then-wife, probably because, knowing me as he did, he KNOWS that would have been my response.

[Gigi2015]

EXACTLY, this is what all OWs should be asking their MMs. My MM never complained about his then-wife, probably because, knowing me as he did, he KNOWS that would have been my response.

 

 

So what drew him to you? Did you even care what reasons he had for stepping out? Did you ever consider his infidelity as a sign of transgression against those that placed trust in him...if so...how did you reconcile this?

[flickofthecoin]

Did your ws, to your knowledge, every tell the ow or om lies about you, if so, why?

 

I don't think my WH told any outright lies about me. I think it was all lying through omission. I have their complete message history, which was their main form of communication other than in person and with email (which I also have). My WH rarely wrote about me to the OW but when he did, he was truthful at least from his own twisted perspective. He was upfront with her about how often he had sex with me during his A. He also told her about why he was unhappy with me and our relationship. All the things he mentioned to her, he had already discussed with me prior to his A, but everything he told her was from HIS perspective without consideration of what I was thinking or feeling.

 

For example, he told her that there was a lack of sex and affection in our relationship, but he DIDN'T tell her it was all because I resented him for his toolbag behaviour in other aspects of our lives. I don't think he really understood the magnitude of the effect that this 'other behaviour' was having on my perspective on sex and affection.

 

He told her that our financial goals were incompatible and that I was a financial nag. That was true but why? Because while I was busy trying to secure a comfortable future for us, footing the majority of the grocery bills, paying for our new replacement car so that HE could get to work (and go to her place ), he was busy securing his latest gadget and toy.

 

He told her that he didn't much like my family, that they interfered with him and us way too much. What he didn't tell her was that my family has supported him when he was having a difficult time with his own family. He didn't tell her that my family was trying to make him a better person for my benefit because he was, quite honestly, an immature brat that I was covering for.

 

So nope, no outright lies. It was either lying through omission or just viewing our relationship from his point of view.

 

Thank goodness he has grown up somewhat.

[Lois_Griffin]

LOL. One needs only to read any OW/OM support board to see the load of crap most of them are being spoon-fed by their married 'boyfriends' or 'girlfriends.'

 

You'd think these liars would get new material, but they all tell the same stories over and over again - they're sleeping in the guest room, they don't have sex with their spouses, they're only there for the kids, their betrayed spouse is a shrew/b*tch/sexless hag/abuser, the divorce papers will be filed soon, they're leaving after the Holidays, etc. etc. etc.

 

Seriously. They need new material.

[Midwestmissy]

Cheaters aren't original - my wh was bouncing personal and business checks and had collection agencies after him due to an expensive closing on a purchase - but because the mow thought he was successful, she'd um service him. The same week he bounced a marriage therapy check, he got cash to pay for a hotel. So not only was he a long suffering husband trying desperately to save his marriage to his horrific wife (because the mow of course knew about the therapist), he had wads of cash to toss at the reception desk. He also used his mother's business card to pay for at least one room. My mil saw nothing wrong with this, btw. Talk about lies he told. If his mouth was moving, he was lying.

 

She thought he was a super rich business owner boss man, which made her sexual favours that much more enthusiastic, since she thought she could save this entrepreneur from me and take a piece of the pie. My 28 yr investment financial pie. She wasn't going to make a downward or even lateral move in tax bracket, she thought I was spending my days at the spa and drinking prosecco at gorgeous charity luncheons every day. The bubble was going to burst if they told each other the actual truth behind the attraction. I was actually dry heaving in my pjs on the bathroom floor until 2:45 most days, then putting on my game face for 3 kids who wanted to know where dad was. The light that came through this cracked life? until bedtime, I had the privilege of enjoying my kids, savouring all the moments my wh was so willing to give up. I got to doubly enjoy what he had discarded.

[WasOtherWoman]

So what drew him to you? Did you even care what reasons he had for stepping out? Did you ever consider his infidelity as a sign of transgression against those that placed trust in him...if so...how did you reconcile this?

 

What drew me to him? He was / is this charismatic, powerful CEO who genuinely cared about both his customers and his employees. A unique and rare combination, for sure.

 

Did I care about his reasons? Yes, but no. In the spirit of total honesty, this is a very selfish business. I did care about this wife, but I cared about me more. I not excusing my behavior, it was horrible. But - it is the truth. Additionally, he was "having none of it". I could tell I intrigued him, but he was not engaging with me at all.

 

I asked him, once we had begun a relationship if he felt guilty (because I did... I know what I did was wrong). His reply was that he was not going to feel guilty for doing something that his wife had done to him twice prior (long story, that I didn't learn till some years later).

 

How did I reconcile? I really didn't know anything about his home life other than what i knew from other people. He had run this company for many years and none of them had ever met his wife (his kids yes, but never her). His only comment was that his personal life was not great. I never asked for details, because, if you think about, who would even know if he was telling the truth, right? I was not just going to engage in an affair, i wanted it all. (maybe that is some sort of justification on my part? an affair is ok if the two people wind up together?? Oy, how's that for rationalizing? )

 

So - as far as a transgression, his kids were of age, so I did not consider it a transgression against them. Would not have engaged had his children been younger, that is for sure. For some reason, in my "trying to rationalize" mind, that would NOT have been ok. A transgression against his wife, yes, for sure. I guess I rationalized THAT by looking at how he treated people and figured there must be a reason he was ok with this.

 

I learned more of the truth years later, but, I think the bottom line is that, while doing something we know is wrong, we can tell ourselves lots of things to rationalize it. As far as caring about his spouse, I really did care, but I cared about me more. It is not pretty, but it is the truth.

[Gigi2015]

A transgression against his wife, yes, for sure. I guess I rationalized THAT by looking at how he treated people and figured there must be a reason he was ok with this. .

 

 

You're at least honest. I like that about you. I'm writing this for the benefit of others as well. The way to know how/who a person truly is and what they're really all about is how they treat the persons closest to them....the people that are truly counting on them and placing ALL their trust on them....everything else can be smoke and mirrors....

[WasOtherWoman]

A transgression against his wife, yes, for sure. I guess I rationalized THAT by looking at how he treated people and figured there must be a reason he was ok with this. .

 

 

You're at least honest. I like that about you. I'm writing this for the benefit of others as well. The way to know how/who a person truly is and what they're really all about is how they treat the persons closest to them....the people that are truly counting on them and placing ALL their trust on them....everything else can be smoke and mirrors....

 

Thank you for that, in 98% of cases, the above is true. Once in a great while though, there is a situation where the spouse is not counting on them or placing their trust in them. I found out some years later that was the case with my then MM. Not that it, in any way, excuses my behavior.

[cocorico]

LOL. One needs only to read any OW/OM support board to see the load of crap most of them are being spoon-fed by their married 'boyfriends' or 'girlfriends.'

 

You'd think these liars would get new material, but they all tell the same stories over and over again - they're sleeping in the guest room, they don't have sex with their spouses, they're only there for the kids, their betrayed spouse is a shrew/b*tch/sexless hag/abuser, the divorce papers will be filed soon, they're leaving after the Holidays, etc. etc. etc.

 

Seriously. They need new material.

 

It's not always a lie.

 

My fMM genuinely did sleep in another room, didn't have sex with the BW anymore, and really was only there for the kids... And although he didn't say the BW was a shrew etc, I saw that for myself. The BW is not the only source of information, and neither is the MM - there are kids, neighbours, family members and friends who stay in the house who all collect data on the state of the M, as well as medical reports and referrals, emails sent from the BW, letters left by her, etc all providing evidence.

 

Ultimately, though, if the OW wants the MM to leave and he does, she has all the proof she needs. And if he doesn't, does it really matter whether he's telling the truth or not - they're still not together full time.

[Gigi2015]

LOL. One needs only to read any OW/OM support board to see the load of crap most of them are being spoon-fed by their married 'boyfriends' or 'girlfriends.'

 

You'd think these liars would get new material, but they all tell the same stories over and over again - they're sleeping in the guest room, they don't have sex with their spouses, they're only there for the kids, their betrayed spouse is a shrew/b*tch/sexless hag/abuser, the divorce papers will be filed soon, they're leaving after the Holidays, etc. etc. etc.

 

Seriously. They need new material.

 

 

I love this but I must add to the list:

 

They simply can not refuse to go on vacation with their spouse....they would know somethings up

 

They had to withdraw during the holidays because they were closely watched

 

They couldn't call on Valentine's Day because it would've been too obvious.

 

Since the OW doesn't know the TRUE name under her FB account she'll never know the "real" truth.

[wmacbride]

It's not always a lie.

 

My fMM genuinely did sleep in another room, didn't have sex with the BW anymore, and really was only there for the kids... And although he didn't say the BW was a shrew etc, I saw that for myself. The BW is not the only source of information, and neither is the MM - there are kids, neighbours, family members and friends who stay in the house who all collect data on the state of the M, as well as medical reports and referrals, emails sent from the BW, letters left by her, etc all providing evidence.

 

Ultimately, though, if the OW wants the MM to leave and he does, she has all the proof she needs. And if he doesn't, does it really matter whether he's telling the truth or not - they're still not together full time.

 

 

I have to ask. Why on earth would the ow have access to the bs's medical records and referrals? that's both illegal and stalkerish, bordering on obsessive on the part of the ow.

[cocorico]

I have to ask. Why on earth would the ow have access to the bs's medical records and referrals? that's both illegal and stalkerish, bordering on obsessive on the part of the ow.

 

If a BS leaves a whole pile of documents on the floor of a house she has moved out of, she clearly has no issue with those being seen by other people.