Troubling Diagnosis, Bad Timing

[Mr. Lucky]

Got some difficult news from my Doctor today who gave me his indications, awaiting the results of a biopsy to confirm.

 

Problem is I'm leaving shortly with my wife and son for a trip overseas, the return from which will coincide with receiving the results. Might be nothing, will probably be something.

 

My wife will be a wreck if I tell her my Doctor's thoughts. She is a worrier, always been that way and after raising 4 kids it's just part of her nature. She also loves me to a fault .

 

What I'm obviously leading up to is I'm considering not telling her until we return as there's nothing in the interim either of us can do. I'd certainly involve her in any decisions from that point forward but I'd like her to relax and enjoy the vacation, won't be possible if she's paralyzed with worry and fear.

 

Am I being selfish in pondering this option ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

You know your wife better than anyone. If you feel it's best to wait to talk with her about what's been going on then take comfort in that. Personally, I would probably do the same.

 

Keep us posted on the results. Wishing you only the best outcome.

[jen1447]

fwiw I think she'll probably consider the trip ruined anyway if she finds out after, esp if it's serious. She'll feel guilt over having had a blissfully ignorant great time when she should have been dealing w/your issues together w/you, as your wife and all that. :-/

[GorillaTheater]

You know your wife better than anyone. If you feel it's best to wait to talk with her about what's been going on then take comfort in that. Personally, I would probably do the same.

 

Keep us posted on the results. Wishing you only the best outcome.

 

 

I second Michelle. It's difficult to say what the best answer here is (which is why I guess you're asking in the first place), but if I had to pick one, I'd say keep it to yourself for the time being.

 

 

For one thing, you don't know for sure that there's anything to worry about. My wife and I went through this recently, when what the doctor was very concerned might be breast cancer turned out to be non-lactating mastitis and easily treatable.

 

 

Enjoy your vacation, and here's hoping for the absolute best.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would be very upset of I found my husband kept this from me.

 

But that's me. Frankly I hate having my emotions "managed" by my spouse, especially in the name of "I don't want you to worry."

 

That's up to me to decide to do with the information, and up to you to be honest and transparent, even if its not 'convenient.'

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks folks.

 

I'm leaning towards not telling her which will feel weird, we don't normally keep secrets from each other. One mitigating factor is we planned this trip last year with the kids, she got sick with bronchitis on the eve of departure and ended up not going. Don't want a cloud hanging over the vacation this year...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Furious]

Got some difficult news from my Doctor today who gave me his indications, awaiting the results of a biopsy to confirm.

 

Problem is I'm leaving shortly with my wife and son for a trip overseas, the return from which will coincide with receiving the results. Might be nothing, will probably be something.

 

My wife will be a wreck if I tell her my Doctor's thoughts. She is a worrier, always been that way and after raising 4 kids it's just part of her nature. She also loves me to a fault .

 

What I'm obviously leading up to is I'm considering not telling her until we return as there's nothing in the interim either of us can do. I'd certainly involve her in any decisions from that point forward but I'd like her to relax and enjoy the vacation, won't be possible if she's paralyzed with worry and fear.

 

Am I being selfish in pondering this option ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

You are not being selfish at all, if anything you're being unselfish.

 

I hope the holiday gives you happiness and a diversion from worrying. Worrying about the unknown solves nothing. Take this time to smile, to love and to feel joy with the woman you love and your precious son.

 

You are a loving and compassionate man, nothing selfish about that. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and all is well on your return.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would be very upset of I found my husband kept this from me.

 

But that's me. Frankly I hate having my emotions "managed" by my spouse, especially in the name of "I don't want you to worry."

 

That's up to me to decide to do with the information, and up to you to be honest and transparent, even if its not 'convenient.'

 

Understand exactly how you feel and - hypocritically so - would probably feel the same way. I've always been the "glass half full" person in our marriage, she worries someone might knock the entire glass over.

 

I'd say getting old sucks but it sure beats the alternative ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

If it was me with my wife, then I would tell her ahead of time, but my wife is not your wife. My wife is in the medical field, so her input would have been there right away before I even had a biopsy.

 

She would tell me prior to the trip as well.

 

Can you get your doctor to tell you anything before you go?

 

As for thinking the worst, we all do. I have a family member with terminal cancer. She first thought that she had only a couple of months to live due to her own research. After further testing, she found she has two to five years. While this is still short, it makes a difference in how she is today.

 

My own wife had a breast lump discovered and as happens, it was determined to be cancer. We had a rough few days to say the least. Further testing revealed it was not.

 

If either of them had had to share the news alone, then I doubt it would have been good.

 

My guess is your wife will suspect something. You may find out that you are telling her on the trip if you don't before. And if you tell her after, she may be angry at you for not letting her know prior so she could share the burden.

 

But again, you know your wife.

 

Keep us updated. I will be thinking of you and praying for the best news possible.

[carhill]

Deal with it when you get back. Safe travels!

[Whoknew30]

I've been considered terminally ill at one point of my life.

 

There is no set rules, it's about how you feel & how you want to tell her. My diagnosis was so quick, I didn't have time to decide how to bring it up myself. My dr demanded my whole family there through all of it. Though after that first diagnoses, I (when I was strong enough) would go to the Dr alone bc I needed time alone to process whatever they had to tell me first.

 

When you're sick, you're family loves you so much that (in my experience) you end up having to comfort them when you yourself haven't had a second to let it sink in.

 

I would wait bc there isn't anything you can do until you know & im not one to panic until it's actually time to panic. Try & relax & have a good trip, clear your mind, pray & enjoy time with your family. That way if it is bad news, you had relaxation before you're thrown into chaos (being sick is chaotic) & if it's fine you didn't ruin your trip for yourself or your wife.

 

I know what it feels like to wait & it's a bitch. Prayers to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would wait bc there isn't anything you can do until you know & im not one to panic until it's actually time to panic. Try & relax & have a good trip, clear your mind, pray & enjoy time with your family. That way if it is bad news, you had relaxation before you're thrown into chaos (being sick is chaos) & if it's fine you didn't ruin your trip for yourself or your wife.

 

Exactly how I was looking at it. Thanks again to everyone for their thoughts...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zapbasket]

It sounds in this case like waiting until after your vacation is the best thing to do. The only caveat is whether you can focus on having a good time and be present for your wife while awaiting your test results. In other words, can you give yourself the same "gift" you're giving your wife by not telling her--can you both enjoy this vacation together?

 

I hope the results are benign. And, have a wonderful vacation.

[SJS]

Sorry you're going through this Mr. Lucky. Will keep you in my thoughts!

 

Personally I would give my husband a half-truth. Like, let him know that the test is being done but it's because of my age or family history, etc, not because the doctor was suspicious. Kind of down-play it.

[understand50]

Mr. Lucky,

 

I am getting up there and have had this happen to me. Now if you were not going on the trip, I am sure you would tell your wife, so it is not a question of keeping her in the dark. Myself, as soon as the Doc scheduled a biopsy, I let my wife know.

 

Now, is this something that is life threatening or something that could be? In my case if the biopsy came back positive, it was neg, the range of issues could have been, "fine, we will keep an eye on it" to you need to "put your life in order" What I am getting at is once you find out, how bad can it be?

 

If it is really bad, I would go for the good time and not let her know, as that would be a last gift for her, if it was "we will keep an eye on it" I would tell her, as it would not be Catastrophic.

 

Look you know your wife and what is going on in your life better then us. Normally, I am for "let your wife know all", and I for she, but if this could be your last trip, I would go in such a way to make it the happiest I could.

 

 

Here's hoping that you should tell your wife........

 

 

I wish you luck.

[Winterina]

I would consider it very protective if my SO did something like not tell me diagnosis till after the vacation. I would not like it, but would appreciate it and respect it.

You know her best.

BTW, if it turns out to be bad, drop me a personal message, I will send you bunch of links I collected over the years with people who were immensely helped by certain diets, eating certain foods, etc.

Good luck!

[Ladyjane14]

You always give great advice, Mr. Lucky. You've got a way of catching details that other people miss when you read a post, and then asking the most thought-provoking questions.

 

It's a different view though when it's your own situation. All I can tell you is that if it was my husband, I'd be super-pissed that he carried that burden alone without sharing it with me. The bond is sacred... forthright and truthful. Always protect the bond.

[CarrieT]

If you tell her, is there anything she could do?

 

Nope. Don't burden her with it yet.

 

My heart-felt thoughts on a healthy diagnosis!

[Mr. Lucky]

Personally I would give my husband a half-truth. Like, let him know that the test is being done but it's because of my age or family history, etc, not because the doctor was suspicious. Kind of down-play it.

 

This was my initial thought but its half-truthful nature still feels dishonest. I'd also be doing it for my own benefit, covering my *ss in order to say "don't you remember, I told you..."

 

I've decided I'm not going to tell until we return, just don't want it to dominate our time together.

 

Thanks for the kind words and sage counsel from those that have replied. Behind those usernames are good people ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SaveYourHeart]

I would wait until the results of the biopsy come back. There's no use letting her worry when there's a possibility (no matter how small) that you're fine. Praying for you, Mr. Lucky, praying for good results and a long happy life! <3

[Whoknew30]

You always give great advice, Mr. Lucky. You've got a way of catching details that other people miss when you read a post, and then asking the most thought-provoking questions.

 

It's a different view though when it's your own situation. All I can tell you is that if it was my husband, I'd be super-pissed that he carried that burden alone without sharing it with me. The bond is sacred... forthright and truthful. Always protect the bond.

 

Being "really" sick is a very personal situation. If your spouse is sick & you show any anger it can really build a wall of the sick spouse to want to open up to you. It takes a second for the person that's sick to process what they're about to go through, he doesn't even know what the diagnosis is yet, so why upset her?

 

When someone is sick, it does affect the spouse but the reality is, there is no right or wrong way to handle it. It's up to however the one who's sick wants to handle it. It's nice to have a family that cares & of course it hurts them to see what that person is going through but at the end of the day, you're not sick so all you can do is be there & not pressure or get upset on how they choose to handle it. Your job is to love & suppor.

[JamesM]

You've got about a 50-50 with responses on either side, my friend. You will just have to make the decision that you planned when you started this thread. Hopefully your wife understand why you choose the way you do, and hopefully you have a great trip and can keep it off of your mind.

 

Wishing you the best, and may you still have a long life with your wife.

[Liam1]

This was my initial thought but its half-truthful nature still feels dishonest. I'd also be doing it for my own benefit, covering my *ss in order to say "don't you remember, I told you..."

 

I've decided I'm not going to tell until we return, just don't want it to dominate our time together.

 

Thanks for the kind words and sage counsel from those that have replied. Behind those usernames are good people ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I hope things work out well with your tests.

 

I think if you 'fess up to not telling her for your own benefit, it will seem less dishonest then saying you withheld the information for her good.

[big dog]

Given the fact that you don't even have results yet ( and you didn't say if you would or not before going ) I'd just keep it to myself. If it does turn out to be something bad you'll be glad you gave her a few days of worry free joy. I doubt she'll be too angry later. She'd probably do the same thing if she were in your place.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm sorry. I hope and pray for you that this all turns out to be nothing scary.

 

I don't think you're selfish for not telling your wife, but a couple of things:

 

I am projecting, but I would NOT be able to keep my worry and concerns from seeping into the trip and having a negative effect.

 

Also - don't you want the support of your wife during this time? I'm sure you are anxious. I know I would want the support of my guy if I were in your shoes. Your trip could still be very special and wonderful and not depressing if you both were more aware than usual of the fleeting nature of life. Now it is just you dealing with it all by yourself.