Shall I tell his girlfriend?

[CuriousGirl94]

So before Xmas I found myself involved with what claimed to be a single man. We were in contact everyday all day long and we slept together once I felt close to him. he lead me to believe that once he had "sorted his head out" from his recent breakup we would be going somewhere as he claimed to really really like me and missed me when I wasn't there, you know all of that rubbish.

 

He dropped me like a hot rock after we had sex and started swooning over another girl and it went the same way as it did with me. They got close, had sex, he then went distant and what they had stopped.

 

I've just found out he was still involved with his first girlfriend all along, and I feel kinda dumb and used for buying in to his lies. I liked him a lot and he has really hurt my feelings and made me feel like crap about myself. I feel angry for the second girl too because she obviously liked him a lot just like I did. While I once disliked her because she "was getting what I wanted" and that was him - I now see that she wasn't special to him any more than I was. He tricked us both.

 

Shall I tell his girlfriend what he's been getting up to? The main reason I want to is for some sorts of "justice" for me and the other girl he duped, I won't pretend it isn't, but I genuinely do think she deserves to know the truth. They have a child together and he plays dad to her other children. He is just one big fat liar.

 

Sigh

Edited February 6, 2016 by CuriousGirl94

[AllabitJeremyKyle]

Of course you want to tell her because you imagine it will give you closure - but it won't. She'll find out, if she doesn't know already, but don't be the one to tell her. Walk away if you can and chalk it up to experience. She has to live with his ratty behaviour but you don't. Don't get back in the sewage once you've dug yourself out of it, move on and good luck!

[Itspointless]

Shall I tell his girlfriend what he's been getting up to? The main reason I want to is for some sorts of "justice" for me and the other girl he duped, I won't pretend it isn't, but I genuinely do think she deserves to know the truth. They have a child together and he plays dad to her other children. He is just one big fat liar.

 

Sigh

In my opinion she should know, not for justice, but because she has a family with him.

[Parannonx]

Be honest with yourself about your motivation, do you truly want to warn her that he is a philanderer or are you just bitter that he dumped you?

 

If they aren't married or you know that he is actively cheating then the odds are that you just want revenge for how you think that you were used.

 

Also consider how it will look to her? How would you have reacted if some other woman had approached you with the same "warning"?

 

Odds are that your best bet would be to sever completely and forget about this guy.

[13Hearts]

I would. But that's just me.

I'd do it anonymously.

You don't have to go into details; just enough so that she becomes aware and isn't blindsided by it later on.

[ShatteredLady]

They're a family. She's planning her life & making important decisions about her life based on a lie. They could be planning another baby or a house move as we write!

Did he insist on using a condom? I'd be worried that he's putting her life at risk for STD's (I have to confess I'm bias. I've recently been diagnosed with HPV & cervical cancer.) you should get yourself tested!

 

Just as I believe it's our social responsibility to report a crime, I think it's only right to let a BS know that they're sharing their life with a serial cheat. She's innocent. Compile some evidence, write a short note & post or put it in her post box. That's what I'd do.

 

I know you we're duped. I'm very sorry. Regardless of your motivation I think it's about saving a person more pain in the long run. Some think it's best to stay out of others people's lives regardless. I don't. Do what you thinks for the best.

 

Again, I'm sorry that you're in this position. Try not to let this have negative repercussions for you, your esteem or your view of men. He's just a bad one.

[13Hearts]

ShatteredLady, I am so sorry you have HPV and cervical cancer. I hope you are undergoing treatment, have support, and are taking care of yourself. (((hugs))) ❤

[Trishern]

Do it anonymously, but provide enough fact that he can't wriggle out of it he' a snake.

[whichwayisup]

Do it anonymously, but provide enough fact that he can't wriggle out of it he' a snake.

 

No way. If she tells, she shouldn't do anonymously...Why hide? She did nothing wrong, he led her to believe he was single and free to date.

[lemondrop21]

My vote is to tell her. I feel like in this situation, because you were duped, it's okay to tell the gf and even the right thing to do. If you had knowingly had an affair with the man then it would be a different story and I would say don't tell as it could look manipulative and hypocritical.

 

I was duped like this once - was dating a man who was "recently out of a breakup." Turned out there was significant overlap between his previous relationship and new relationship with me (how he managed to maintain the schedule is beyond me). GF #1 dumped him after finding texts from me on his phone.

 

He dropped me "like a hot potato" as you say, a few months later. I ended up contacting GF #1 to see if this is how he had behaved with her... and that's how I found out he had been seeing both of us at the same time, for awhile. Apparently this behavior, along with the dropping girls suddenly, was his MO.

 

I SO wished that GF#1 had reached out to me when she discovered the cheating (she could have tracked me down through mutual friends). It would have been a shock, but would have saved me a great deal of heartache in the end.

[Hip Pocket]

It's a tough call. Do you tell her only to find she refuses to believe you or do you let her learn on her own?

 

I've seen it go both ways and it usually doesn't bode well for the exOW telling the betrayed. I had a coworker tell another coworker that her live in bf was having sex with her but he smoothed it over and the betrayed gf decided that my coworker was just out for revenge. A few months later the cheating bf got his former gf pregnant and went back to her leaving my two coworkers high and dry. My friend tried to warn her but it seemed she'd rather learn the hard way.

 

My MM's W has caught him more times than I can count but she always believes him when he says he won't do it again.

 

It seems that most betrayed people like their fog.

[Itspointless]

CuriousGirl94 I see you have posted three threads, I often read people their histories. The 14th of January you wrote about this guy: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/565729-feeling-used-perplexed-upset and the 30th January you wrote about your boyfriend who wants to be an MC.

I love him and I would hate for him to embarrass himself, and I know he will. He's mildly autistic and would be mortified if he didn't get the reception he's convinced himself he would get. I don't want to go along and watch the man I love have the mickey taken out of him.

I am a bit confused with the timelines Or is that the reason it is posted here?

Edited February 7, 2016 by Itspointless

[dreamingoftigers]

No way. If she tells, she shouldn't do anonymously...Why hide? She did nothing wrong, he led her to believe he was single and free to date.

 

I agree with this fully.

 

The ex-bf should definitely be exposed. He is risking the gf's health with his reckless behaviour.

 

What a pig.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's a tough call. Do you tell her only to find she refuses to believe you or do you let her learn on her own?

 

I've seen it go both ways and it usually doesn't bode well for the exOW telling the betrayed. I had a coworker tell another coworker that her live in bf was having sex with her but he smoothed it over and the betrayed gf decided that my coworker was just out for revenge. A few months later the cheating bf got his former gf pregnant and went back to her leaving my two coworkers high and dry. My friend tried to warn her but it seemed she'd rather learn the hard way.

 

My MM's W has caught him more times than I can count but she always believes him when he says he won't do it again.

 

It seems that most betrayed people like their fog.

Bullshyte.

 

I've never even heard of a BS in real life that said "oh oh oh I didn't want to know."

[ShatteredLady]

Sometimes people expect a BS to file for divorce on d-day. Reality isn't like that! Usually it's a terrible shock. I was completely blindsided. I felt like I was loosing my mind. I was completely in shock.

 

Just because a BS doesn't react instantly doesn't mean they aren't processing things. It definitely doesn't mean that they don't care & wish they never knew!

 

No! BS's don't like the fog. They don't 'like' anything about having their lives ripped apart.

[uneek74]

Curious: your feelings are hurt and had he not dumped you, you would have continued on with this guy, as long as he was in the game with you. This guy is not married and I will venture to say his GF is probably aware of what she has. You will be wasting your breath and time, running and being a so-called do gooder! She won't leave him, especially, since they have a child together.

 

 

You claim that you want to help her out, but your post reads totally different. You should cut your losses, move on and stop trying to save someone who might not want to be saved. It's not your responsibility to be the informant.

[Popsicle]

No. These people aren't married, and you don't really know what was going on with them.

 

Just move on.

 

Bullshyte.

 

I've never even heard of a BS in real life that said "oh oh oh I didn't want to know."

 

My sister.

[sandylee1]

The GF has every right to know ....but you're asking this question in a forum where most participate in affairs willingly and knowingly....unlike yourself. That is why they generally prefer to keep it quiet. It's to protect themselves and avoid the backlash.

 

You didn't know he was attached and have no reason to feel bad. What she does with the info is up to her...but let her know..knowledge is power.

 

Sorry you had the misfortune of meeting such a sleaze.

 

A betrayed GF or wife will tell you she'd want to know. Those are the people to ask as they've been there.

 

Wouldn't you want to know if you were her?

[Hip Pocket]

Sometimes people expect a BS to file for divorce on d-day. Reality isn't like that! Usually it's a terrible shock. I was completely blindsided. I felt like I was loosing my mind. I was completely in shock.

 

Just because a BS doesn't react instantly doesn't mean they aren't processing things. It definitely doesn't mean that they don't care & wish they never knew!

 

No! BS's don't like the fog. They don't 'like' anything about having their lives ripped apart.

 

With all due respect I believe you just made my point.

[ChickiePops]

With all due respect I believe you just made my point.

 

How?

 

She said that they don't enjoy being cheated on..not that they don't want to know.

 

The gf definitely deserves to know. I vote for telling. With proof.

[whichwayisup]

With all due respect I believe you just made my point.

 

You are thinking affair fog is the same as a betrayed spouses reaction on D DAY and calling that a fog? If you are implying that it's apples and oranges, not even close.

[Whoknew30]

CuriousGirl94 I see you have posted three threads, I often read people their histories. The 14th of January you wrote about this guy: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/565729-feeling-used-perplexed-upset and the 30th January you wrote about your boyfriend who wants to be an MC.

 

I am a bit confused with the timelines Or is that the reason it is posted here?

 

I'm curious to know if this is the same guy?

 

If it is...people with Autism have a hard time with feeling empathy. Do they know right & wrong, yes but it's difficult for them to truly understand what someone else is feeling, so if someone ASD is cheating, they're going to have a tough time knowing how they truly made someone else is feeling or may not even really care.

 

If it's not the same guy, I'd invest in some IC or time to myself to figure out why I was picking the wrong men vs worrying about what's going on in other's people's relationships.

[ShatteredLady]

Pocket. I'm sorry. I honestly don't understand what you mean. I'd be guessing if I tried to respond.

[Hip Pocket]

 

No! BS's don't like the fog. They don't 'like' anything about having their lives ripped apart.

 

With all due respect I believe you just made my point.

 

Pocket. I'm sorry. I honestly don't understand what you mean. I'd be guessing if I tried to respond.

 

Sorry for my late response.

 

Saying they don't like anything about having their lives ripped apart suggests they'd rather not deal with the truth, separation, D, etc., which is to say it would be easier to just accept the status quo, bury your head in the sand and let your WS continue with his A while you live in your fog, or the sand, or whatever. Maybe you haven't done this yourself but the post I quoted did seem to make my point.

[minimariah]

No! BS's don't like the fog. They don't 'like' anything about having their lives ripped apart.

 

i will partially disagree with this; some do. if you keep catching your husband in the affair & keep staying in the marriage - at what point does it stop being about processing things and starts being about avoiding bigger conflict?

 

Saying they don't like anything about having their lives ripped apart suggests they'd rather not deal with the truth...

 

no, it doesn't.

 

just because you don't like dealing with the affair & everything that comes with it doesn't mean that you actually won't deal with it at all -- you just won't like it while dealing with it. and that's normal.

 

but notice how it's the BSs who are being "called out" for loving their fog; not a word is said about the MMs & their own fog. BSs usually stay in the marriage for the same reasons the MMs do but MMs are "figuring things out" while the BSs are pathetic losers scared of reality.

 

i find it really interesting.