The price I paid dating a co-worker [updated]

[TaraMaiden2]

She didn't cheat on you. She was a free agent. The continued 'relationship' was all in your head. If someone breaks up with you, believe it's over, and act like it is.

 

I disagree that she was a free agent. Even after we broke up .. she still slept with me . TWICE

That's quite common. It becomes a FWB situation. Sleeping with you doesn't mean she's still with you.

 

....Im not an idiot . I FELT we had a strong connection and she treated me like we were a couple but she never communicated it . Above it all she started this whole ordeal, got me to fall in love with her

No, she didn't. YOU fell in love with her, but she didn't make you do anything. You chose the actions and feelings you had...

 

and then i discover she was already seeing someone behind my back while we were together ... ( lining someone up ) The moment i caught on and asked her about it , she said she wanted break up. yes she was a free agent AFTER she wants to break up but cmon, she had someone lined up !!! ..... isnt that cheating !?!?!?!

Yes, but this was a whole year ago. I think that record has been played long enough in your head, hasn't it?

 

... Kind of a dick move if you ask me ... like leading someone on . Heck She even told me at the very end " I cheat on all my boyfriends " ... oh and yeah , i already slept with someone else ( like not even a week after we broke up )

But you are perpetuating that resentment. You're clinging on, and making this a huge deal, when really, you should stop focusing on what she says/does, and focus on your own progress.

It's never, ever about what they do, and why.

It's only ever about what you do, and why. And the 'why' is to move on, heal and live your life well, and to the full.

[triple-s]

Taramaiden2

 

In the end she wanted to remain friends ; right before I found out about this other guy . Would that have have benefited me at all ? I said to her it would hurt too much and I said no I can't be friends

 

Was the the wrong thing to do ?

 

So you're saying we could've been FWB instead of having a relationship ?

 

I'm not sure I would have wanted to go that route cuz that would just end up hurting me more

 

Also should I have apologized then ? You never answered my first original question to my post : ignore her or to ask if she's doing ok

[TaraMaiden2]

Taramaiden2

 

In the end she wanted to remain friends ; right before I found out about this other guy . Would that have have benefited me at all ?

No, it was for her own benefit, not yours.

 

I said to her it would hurt too much and I said no I can't be friends

Was the the wrong thing to do ?

100% no, you were completely right to say that.

 

So you're saying we could've been FWB instead of having a relationship ?

Absolutely NOT! She had sex with you because she felt like it. You had sex with her because you were still invested and connected. Under the circumstances where one person is emotionally invested, there can be no FWB situation!

 

I'm not sure I would have wanted to go that route cuz that would just end up hurting me more

Exactly....

 

Also should I have apologized then ? You never answered my first original question to my post : ignore her or to ask if she's doing ok

No, I did answer your question. You go NC, stay NC and avoid all and any situation where you might be tempted to engage with her on any other level OTHER than PROFESSIONAL.

 

Any form of contact at work, outside of work topic, is to be completely avoided at all costs - including small-talk 'are you ok' rubbish, because that's just "Please talk to me, I miss you and want you back!" in disguise.

[triple-s]

Taramaiden , you're starting to give me some of the hard truth I think I need

 

One final thing I wanted to share with you and pls don't hold back

 

The morning after we had sex the final time . She woke up and said to me

 

" this doesn't change anything " ...

 

What does that really mean in your pov

[TaraMaiden2]

It means "That was fun, but you're still dumped. I basically used you for my sexual gratification, because we were finished and still are."

 

That's what it means.

[triple-s]

Thank you Tara

 

Sometimes we just need a voice to remind me if I am doing the right thing . Some sort of validation and this is my reason I posted on here again .

 

Validation ( I'm a pretty stubborn, & persistent kinda fella ) if I really want something I tend to go for every angle and this is just another one of those angles I guess . I have to let go completely and man, one thing I learned is I really regret that I got involved with a co worker. I even warned her in the beginning that we can't be friends if things go wrong . And here I am .

 

Please know I have no one to talk to about this & and you were that voice. Taramaiden thank you for your time replying back

 

Your words were pretty harsh for me to swallow but u know you're points are all valid ; I'm just trying to accept reality . I am doing it to myself . I've been saying to myself " you must participate in your own rescue " . I was doing fine until she showed up again . Bottom line is I don't wanna hurt anymore . Your points about being professional at the workplace

is something I'll need to focus on more from now on ...

 

You're right . Going up to her was a subconscious way of trying to connect with her again by asking ... A mere excuse to try to stir things up again .

 

But now I'm glad I didn't and just kept walking , I'm going to work . Do my work , go home and move on ...

 

 

Really ,Thank you for putting the reality check back into gear for me .

 

It was all I needed. A swift , roundhousekick in the backside ....

 

Man , up . Continue No contact . Chalking up the experience . And letting go .....

[TaraMaiden2]

Please believe me when I tell you that it's a lot easier said than done, but sometimes, it pays to be upfront and harsh.

Which brings me to this - the next time she runs into you (Or vice-versa) she may be the one to try to engage you in small talk (don't put it past her, she did after all use you for sex).

 

That would be a good point to tell her this:

 

"Please don't talk to me here, unless you absolutely have to, and it's about something essential to do with work.

I never knew just how much I was affected by going out with you, until I saw you again.

I still hurt.

I don't care what you think of this, because frankly, it's not about you, it's about me, but I need to move myself on, and the way to do that is to have as little as possible to do with you, as is humanely workable.

Thanks."

 

And walk away.

Then, at least, you know she knows - and any transgression of your request on her part, is sheer spite and manipulation. Which will show you what she's really like, and made of.

 

For your part - stick to No Contact, and do not rise to the bait, however sugar-coated it might seem.

[privategal]

Help.

 

 

Since Jan 2016. I've promised myself a strict NC rule with my ex who works with me at this company. No temptation to look at social media, emails or wahtever.

 

To make a long story short , Near the end of 2015.... I discovered that she lined up and cheated on me with ANOTHER guy who works with us and left me with nothing but hideous heartache. Seeing the girl i cared about , who was once devoted and commited to me ... is now sleeping with a guy that doesn't even care about her just rips my heart to shreds ...

 

... months passed and i managed to keep myself together and sometime in January she took a leave of absense for reasons i still am not 100% sure about nor do i wanna know ( i was told its medical ) ..

 

5months have passed since , moving on felt so much better for me . Out of mind , out of sight. No Contact was 100% in full effect for me.

 

All was good at work because she wasnt around until this afternoon.

 

I was walking down the hallway, i look up ... and there she was. SHE'S BACK.

 

We crossed paths and i admit i was pretty shocked. we glanced at each other briefly ( i can tell she was also a bit uneasy ) but we gave each other a slight nod and said " hey " to each other .... and kept walking .

 

My question is this ; At that moment ... I WAS about to stop and turn around and ask her " hey , got a sec... its been a while, are you ok ? " ( cuz I did hear she got really sick ) ... so i was inclined to just make sure she was doing ok ...

 

OR

 

should i have just continued to walk by and NOT bothered to communicate AT ALL .... ( which is what I did !! ) .

 

You see, for 5 months i knew NOTHING that is going on with her ... and asking felt like it would just show courtesy to ask. The OTHER guy she cheated on me with still works at the company and im preeettty sure they are still together in some retrospect ... again, i dont wanna know.

 

What should i do when i see her at work ? ... Its like a part of me wants to talk to her again, and a part of me is also saying don't do it. Am i pulling straws by attempting to see if she would still wanna talk to me by striking a conversation with her ?

 

..... IM SO CONFUSED

 

What are your thoughts ? What should i do ???!

 

Please help me gather my thoughts back on track . Was it good that I just kept walking or should I have started a conversation with her to ask how she was doing ? * not gonna lie, deep down inside me i still care for her*

 

I thought i was on a roll with NC .... till i ran into her today at work.

 

i can feel myself starting to derail again ...

 

help.

 

Heres the thing. Saying "hey" was more than enough to show you are a good person and not petty or rude.

Beyond that you owe her nothing, as when you were left and heartsick (which is a real illness and severely debilitating and painful) she did nothing to show care or compassion.

 

Its good you are concerned, but I think its just nostalgia. People hate it when we cared about someone and it seems so unnatural to be angry or not speaking.

The only thing here is she would need to be the one to stop you and say hey, I feel bad for really hurting you, cheating, leaving, I'm really sorry and hope we can be on friendly terms. It should not be you to clear the air.

I would continue to ignore, I think it shows tremendous strength and self respect that you have minded your own business about her new relationship and health problems.

 

I think it would show a lot of continued self respect to continue to completely ignore and carry on with your work.

Its normal to feel derailed, it was traumatizing to you to go through that sufferering and pain of the breakup and seeing that person after so long is a shock but I don't think it means more than that. I just think it brought some things and memories that were out of sight, back to the surface for seeing her.

 

SHE should have felt uncomfortable, you should not have.

Don't start reminiscing and thinking too much.

She doesn't deserve you and its better that you allow yourself just to keep going.

It might take a few days to feel normal again, but you will.

You are to be admired for handling this all so well. Don't look back.

[triple-s]

Taramaiden2

 

I think the harsh route is THE WAY . When I first read your replies it felt like I was being slapped but that's exactly it - I was looking for someone's honest feedback .

 

As for that pointer . Noted and will focus on being professional.

 

I highly doubt she will take the initiative to contact me and start small talk all over again. I know that other guy is around because she seems like the type who would come running back if she was alone .

 

When I first got involved with her , her ex bf was still in the picture. When it was my turn, she disposed of me and now This new guy is in the picture ...

 

 

see the pattern ? And come to think of it when I was with her , she treated her ex bf like how she is treating me ' like I'm no one & total disregard for my feelings'

 

She's afraid to be alone I think . But that's my guess

 

 

Back to Working on myself

[triple-s]

One last thing folks .

 

 

Take it from me . If you're thinking of dating , sleeping around ppl at work

 

Don't , F-ing , do it .

 

Unless you don't give a **** about your job , then go for it cuz trust me if **** hits the fan ... You'll want out& potentially leaving

 

I can't leave my job. I'm stuck . I dated someone and it's been absolute hell mentally.

 

So learn from my mistake.

 

If things go sour, you'll pay the price

[triple-s]

Heres the thing. Saying "hey" was more than enough to show you are a good person and not petty or rude.

Beyond that you owe her nothing, as when you were left and heartsick (which is a real illness and severely debilitating and painful) she did nothing to show care or compassion.

 

Its good you are concerned, but I think its just nostalgia. People hate it when we cared about someone and it seems so unnatural to be angry or not speaking.

The only thing here is she would need to be the one to stop you and say hey, I feel bad for really hurting you, cheating, leaving, I'm really sorry and hope we can be on friendly terms. It should not be you to clear the air.

I would continue to ignore, I think it shows tremendous strength and self respect that you have minded your own business about her new relationship and health problems.

 

I think it would show a lot of continued self respect to continue to completely ignore and carry on with your work.

Its normal to feel derailed, it was traumatizing to you to go through that sufferering and pain of the breakup and seeing that person after so long is a shock but I don't think it means more than that. I just think it brought some things and memories that were out of sight, back to the surface for seeing her.

 

SHE should have felt uncomfortable, you should not have.

Don't start reminiscing and thinking too much.

She doesn't deserve you and its better that you allow yourself just to keep going.

It might take a few days to feel normal again, but you will.

You are to be admired for handling this all so well. Don't look back.

 

 

Oh my god. I want you to know that i woke up this morning and read Taramaiden's harsh, truthful words ... and my emotions started to get to me again and yeahhhhhh, i cried a little.

 

but seeing your post , especially your last words -- it made me smile again .

 

Its good to hear that there are still good people out there and that i am not completely going insane . You guys are both Efffin awesome ! Privategal and Taramaiden2 ...I want you to know, you both put me back on my path .

 

again, as stubborn as i am . I just need to be reminded subconciously. You guys did it.

 

I AM 300% determined to pull through this and without your help i woulda been derailed and back to square one .

 

 

T h a n k - Y o u

[triple-s]

Beyond that you owe her nothing

 

100% . noted