is this really over?

[too_risky]

If you've read my previous threads on here then you know my situation. I'll review the run down version of it. My ex was head over heels for me, wanted to marry me, worshiped the ground I walked on. I hurt him by taking some time to take care of myself and some things that I had going on in my life. He didn't understand because I didn't explain it all to him. It wasn't another man and he knew that. After 2 weeks I slowly began talking to him again. He told me he had met someone new because he thought things were over between us. I finally explained what had been going on in my life, he understood but said he was still hurt. He's the type if you hurt him, he is damn well gonna make you pay for it. I deserved that to a point. I kept trying to talk to him and we emailed, texted, phoned for about a month. He gave me mixed messages as if he wanted to be with me, said he still loved me, would never give up on us but yet he would then turn around and be cold to me. He was still dating this girl. We were together for 3 years. I finally couldnt take it and went to see him (we are long distance from eachother). We talked for 3 hours and then he just left. I've made no effort to call, get in touch etc with him since then. It's been 8 days now. I just wonder if he's just trying to punish me for hurting him or if he's really done with me. I won't bother him. He knows how I feel. Will he eventually call again? I know I hurt him but is this really over? Any advice?

[dawn duval]

I'm going thru something very similar -- I broke up because I desperately needed to take care of myself and he's too hurt to get back together. In my case, I think there is an element of him wanting to punish me, even though he says he understands the reason why I needed time. I do understand his position -- how does he know he can trust me and that I won't dump him again. And so I've resigned myself to taking time, distancing myself, and if it was meant to be...

 

Not that I'm having any success, but from what I've learned it sounds like you're doing the right thing by distancing yourself. You're not gonna get anything good by initiating contact right now. It's good that he knows how you feel, now stop telling him altogether -- in my case, my ex seemed to take great joy in telling me he wasn't sure about us and all that.

 

Hang in there!

[smile]

Ok guys what you are talking about seems very much to be what my ex did. But I tried to be supportive and accept it. I did the whole men are from mars/ give him space/men are rubber bands thing. And boy is he a rubberband allright. He gets close and pulls away constantly.

 

Lately the closer has been closer emotionally and honestly, but the pulls away have been pulled into nonexistence. We talk sometimes... I dunno maybe bc the closer is so close it makes the far seem so far.

 

ANYWAY my question is.. if you loved this person and had to be away from them to get together when do you realize you are ready to get together? Is it about small steps or big leaps? Did you need the person to be unavailable for you to realize you wanted them back?

 

Would someone's support make you feel unconditionally loved or suffocated? If during this you needed your ex and she was there everytime would that make you respect and appreciate her more or resent her?

 

I guess I just am hoping my ex is on the road to where you two are. I want to know what to do that would best support his need to 'figure it out'. Just thought maybe you guys had some insight.

 

And just so you know.. I love my ex so much but there are times when I am so frustrated by the fact that he couldnt talk it out he had to leave me I get pretty resentful. Its a hard thing to get over. But, just like you needed to work stuff out on yr own maybe that is where your exe's are. Maybe they just need to be more aware of themselves and their personal power in a situation that has had a history of making them feel powerless and less than worthy. I dunno , just a thought.

[dawn duval]

Hi smile,

In my case I knew all along I wanted to be back with him eventually, I just really needed to be alone because unresolved feelings over my divorce were surfacing, and it was starting to affect us a lot. It felt like I was ruining our relationship so I felt like I needed time alone to get over the divorce properly. So I never had any doubts. I would have appreciated his support -- it wouldn't have made me feel smothered at all. But...in general from reading LS posts it sounds like this is an exception. In general it does seem best to give some distance.

 

What reason did your ex tell you for breaking up?

 

Actually as of today I kinda stopped giving a sh-t about him. This has gone on for so long and I'm officially tired of his games and ready to move on. You know what did it? I think the 200th person told me to read "He's just not that into you" and for some reason it put me over the edge and I decided I didn't want someone that resulted in me having to read self-help books.

[smile]

How long did it take you to get to this point? Of being able to move on? And it was after he certainly said he didnt want you? I have always been afraid this "give him space/ be busy" thing would make him think I was too pissed off to even appreciate his small steps ya know?

 

I dunno. The reason he gave for breaking up? Well he kinda had a meltdown. He called and yelled at me ..basically said a bunch of things that arent true, called me names... it seemed like a kid trying to push someone away ya know? Anyway I kinda took space and stayed away but when he would call back (and he did LOTS) I would listen to what he said. I wanted an answer and he really didnt have one.

 

He said we didnt get along, then he said I was his best friend. He said I never understood him, then he said he was never more himself than when he was with me. He said he didnt love me anymore, then he said he never really got over me. He was a mess.

 

Since then we have talked. The other day I told him I think he is afraid to be happy and he said I was right. Happiness can go away and then what? He keeps calling me and we are very good friends. I go to his family functions and get phone calls and presents for all the major holidays. I had trouble trusting and he had trouble feeling obligated to someone.

 

We are working on being honest and not taking eachothers "issues" personally. I dont see why you would be so admamant to work on that if its not a relationship. But I dont want to push him away by demanding a lable.

 

So as a person on the side he seems to be on I was just wondering if I am wasting my time? Is this being here and all good- slow and steady win the race and all going to help? Or is there something else I can do to speed him up?

 

I am glad you got to where you are. I keep being told to let go but there is something not letting me. Its funny bc that something is always him.

[dawn duval]

Hi smile,

Actually at the beginning I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to let go until he clearly said there's not a chance for us. He never told me that, he keeps saying he needs time, he wants to be friends. Trust me, you'll reach this point -- you just get d-mn tired of it all. When I was going thru the worst part (for 3 months) I really felt like I would never get over him, I'll never want anyone else. On LS someone mentioned that to get over someone you should just go thru the motions of being over them and suddenly you'll realize you're over them. I didn't get it at first but in the end that's what worked for me.

 

In any case, the way your ex is acting I would definitely go thru the motions of moving on. He knows what you want, so I think it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Either he'll come running or you'll be over him, doing some good-natured trash-talking about him to your girlfriends like I'm doing now. And trust me that's a lot of fun too.

 

I think the only thing that would speed him up is fear of losing you, i.e. you going out with another guy. When I was going thru my hatred phase a few days ago (still not entirely over that) I thought long and hard about doing that or at least lying about it to get back at my ex and hopefully make him jealous enough to come running into my arms. I feel guilty admitting that I thought about it but yeah. I decided against it for so many reasons. But I have to admit I'd be very curious to see what would happen if someone tried this. (terrible)

 

Just curious, have you had a billion people telling you to read "he's just not that into you?". That's the other thing that could make you snap and get over him -- I can't stand the thought of people thinking I'm a helpless victim that's being strung along by an insensitive loser.