Parents causing me depression + eating disorder relapse

[ms_goldilocks]

Hi! Last year I posted this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/558563-family-disapproves-my-happiness

 

where I tell about how my parents make me choose between them and my bf because they disapprove of him due to his nationality and religion. However, my bf is in Mexico at the moment where he'll be until June and my parents still think we've broken up because I still live with them and if they throw me out, I literally have nowhere to go.

 

Anyway, the last few months have been hell. I feel so much resentment toward my parents that I spend a minimal amount of time with them. And when I finally do, I'm cold, distant and, at times, quite rude. This results in guilt.

 

Occasionally I make some catty and sarcastic remarks about my dad's reaction to my boyfriend and he feels extremely bad - I even caught him crying a few times (but he never says sorry or anything!), and when that happens I feel genuinely satisfied thinking "If I can cry about this every single day, he should too!" or "He deserves to feel all the guilt in the world".

 

These thoughts make me feel very guilty and I start feeling that I'm a horrible person for wanting my parents to feel bad. All these feelings of guilt, resentment and anger have caused me a pretty bad depression. I feel lost and lonely and my old anorexic behavior is slowly coming back.

 

Thankfully, I've reacted and already booked an appointment with my doctor because I don't want yet another relapse. I've just been thinking about how I'll react once my parents disown me when I tell them that I'm with my boyfriend (that's gonna happen when I move later this year), and I don't know how to prepare myself emotionally.

 

5 out of 7 days are hell for me, and I don't know how to let go. I talked about this with my boyfriend and he says that I should just forgive because it will make me feel better, and that I should just try to be more understanding. But how do I forgive? What can I do to make myself feel at least a bit better?

 

Talking to my parents is out of the question because it is absolutely impossible. They're stubborn and dating a Mexican is a BIG NO-GO for me. Right now my main goal is not to improve my communication with my parents but rather to make myself feel better and feel like I'm not a terrible person.

[amaysngrace]

Your parents were wrong to try to control you and you are wrong to deceive them.

 

I wish you luck with your relationship because I think you're going to need it. Being two-faced and enjoying watching your father cry is telling of your character.

 

Making anybody cry and enjoying it is telling of your character.

 

So good luck. I hope one day your children will be kinder toward you than you have been toward your own.

[ms_goldilocks]

Your parents were wrong to try to control you and you are wrong to deceive them.

 

I wish you luck with your relationship because I think you're going to need it. Being two-faced and enjoying watching your father cry is telling of your character.

 

Making anybody cry and enjoying it is telling of your character.

 

So good luck. I hope one day your children will be kinder toward you than you have been toward your own.

 

Had you read my text correctly, you would have noticed that I indicated that I feel extremely guilty when I have those thoughts. I would never wish anything bad upon anyone, let alone the people who gave life to me.

[Satu]

*Right now my main goal is not to improve my communication with my parents but rather to make myself feel better and feel like I'm not a terrible person.

 

*That won't be easy if you're wishing unhappiness on other people.

[Satu]

*I would never wish anything bad upon anyone, let alone the people who gave life to me.

 

*Make your mind up.

 

You've already said that you do.

 

So you do.

[amaysngrace]

I read your text correctly. You said that you enjoy making and watching your father cry because that makes you feel better. You also said you don't wish to improve communication with your parents but rather to make yourself feel better.

 

That's easy. Go make your father cry.

[ms_goldilocks]

*Make your mind up.

 

You've already said that you do.

 

So you do.

 

Haha okay, so you think every time I'm with my parents I think "may you forever be unhappy!"?! Don't be silly. Yes, when they feel guilty about making me unhappy, I don't really think I should care because, obviously, since they never ever ask my how I'm doing, they don't care whether I'm happy or not.

I can sincerely tell you that their love has always been conditional - they always "supported me" if they approved of whatever I was doing.

[ms_goldilocks]

I read your text correctly. You said that you enjoy making and watching your father cry because that makes you feel better. You also said you don't wish to improve communication with your parents but rather to make yourself feel better.

 

That's easy. Go make your father cry.

 

No, you read what you choose to read But fine, thanks for the helpful feedback

[Satu]

Haha okay, so you think every time I'm with my parents I think "may you forever be unhappy!"?! Don't be silly. Yes, when they feel guilty about making me unhappy, I don't really think I should care because, obviously, since they never ever ask my how I'm doing, they don't care whether I'm happy or not.

I can sincerely tell you that their love has always been conditional - they always "supported me" if they approved of whatever I was doing.

 

It's OK. I understand now.

 

When you said,

"Occasionally I make some catty and sarcastic remarks about my dad's reaction to my boyfriend and he feels extremely bad - I even caught him crying a few times (but he never says sorry or anything!), and when that happens I feel genuinely satisfied thinking "If I can cry about this every single day, he should too!" or "He deserves to feel all the guilt in the world".

 

that wasn't what you said, or what you want.

 

I'm glad that you clarified that.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Bye bye.

Edited February 7, 2016 by Satu

[mrs rubble]

Haha okay, so you think every time I'm with my parents I think "may you forever be unhappy!"?! Don't be silly. Yes, when they feel guilty about making me unhappy, I don't really think I should care because, obviously, since they never ever ask my how I'm doing, they don't care whether I'm happy or not.

I can sincerely tell you that their love has always been conditional - they always "supported me" if they approved of whatever I was doing.

There is nothing unusual about that, parents want what's best for their kids. If they dissaprove of your boyfriend it's likely for good reason, besides being Mexican- Does he have his green card? Is he broke? Does he have any criminal convictions/associations?

You sound like you have a load of growing up to do and your boyfriends advice to forgive themand be nice to them is the correct advice, he sounds way more mature than you do- he might even dump you if you carry on being so childish.

[basil67]

I can sincerely tell you that their love has always been conditional - they always "supported me" if they approved of whatever I was doing.

 

I think you find that their love is unconditional, but their support is conditional. And this is normal for parents.

 

If I were you, I'd be showing my maturity so that they'd know I make wise decisions and can be trusted with my own life. As it stands now, you're behaving like a moody teenager and are being treated accordingly.

[Jhoanna11]

Hey Goldilocks. When I was 14 I was a bit overweight. I think that the change from a girl to a woman made me gain about 7 kg. I am not high, therefore, I looked really fat my my age. The worst thing that was happening at that time is my parants critic. They told me everyday that I looked disgusting. Luckily, I have lost weight but my parents did not do any good!