legless40 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 We broke up in August We have been communicating once ever 2-3 weeks online... i have not heard her voice or seen her since August. We were together for 2 years or just under She has a daughter who wanted to call me dad. I started the relationship overwhelmed by this role and only started feeling like i could be this man towards the end of the relationship... but by then it was too late and she had been emotionally cheating and then got with another guy who had a 7yr old daughter of his own (same age as her daughter)... I guess i miss her daughter more than her... physicoligally I guess I allowed myself to mature into a father role.. and then it all fell apart. She had some issues giving her depression and a few issues in her life making it appear that things wouldnt get better ... and as the saying goes, ig you cant deal with her when she is low you dont deserve her when shes high... ive been blaming myself for 6 months... but ive finally started realising that it was two ways... recently the convo... after ihave stopped pushing to meet up.. has gone towards happy relaxed and even some xxx's from her on fb chat... im trying to reduce communication... but im feeling that perhaps it has gone south with this other guy... and also one of her serious health problems has cleared up taking a load off her mind... perhaps she is feeling differently... Ive been NC for a week and feeling guilty about maintaining this now we are friendly and the last thing she said was that she has bought her daughter some cards in order for her to write to me... Just before xmas i had received a leter from her daughter who is pining for me... i responded with a beautifully drawn card that took two weeks to make... ive have made a couple since but have had no other letters since... each one as well drawn.... anyway, thats where im at.. waiting for another letter.... confused by the situation.. confused by my own feelings... but feeling relatively stable... and not seen any other threads exactly describing my situation... could do with some ideas.. big love to you all Link to post Share on other sites
nauticalpoem Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Sorry, I'm confused - aside from missing the daughter, do you want to get back together? IMO you're going to have to ask her to explain to her daughter what happened and stop letting the daughter contact you. That's what she's using to control you. It's hard but it's just going to hold you back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author legless40 Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 I do miss her very much... I guess i have been quite defensive with feelings due to trying to move on... I have tried to focus on the negatives as many youtube videos out there have done, try not to put her on a pedestal etc... But speaking to her recently, we even reminisced a trip we took. It just seemed different the way we were speaking. I miss the role of father, lover and just before splitting we were planning to get a house together. Since then although i do miss both of them, my ex was my best friend too, I do recognise there were issues in the relationship... Part of me thinks that as i feel i have done a ton of soul searching and research and self work, and perhaps she has too, that there may be a reason to think its possibly worth maintaining friendly contact. I can understand your perspective too, and part of me agrees that yes that may be the right thing... but its hard to read my ex's intentions... And I couldn't bring myself at this stage to let her daughter down who she says talks about me every day and looks up to me etc. Sorry to ask this may be obvious, but why would someone who has little interest want to control you? I'm a little tired this evening and can't think. Thank you for your reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused Guy23 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I think you should have her explain it to her daughter why you two can't be in contact. The daughter looks to you as a father figure but you're no longer in that position. The longer you stay in contact with the daughter the harder its going to be to end communication. It's going to be hard on the daughter as well but you have to think of whats best for the little girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nauticalpoem Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I guess a more appropriate word choice than control would be contact. I feel like she gets some sort of validation from you still being around. Even if she isn't interested in you romantically. Or simply you cutting off ties would hurt her so she's using the daughter to string you along. The cold truth is that she isn't your daughter and as soon as your ex doesn't want you around any more, or gets mad, she's going to pull contact with the daughter to upset you. Of course I don't know her, but I've seen many people act this way. And if she didn't get some sort of pleasure by keeping you on a string, she would explain to her daughter that she couldn't see you and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nauticalpoem Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Just thought of this story: My niece was only a few months old when my brother and sister in law started dating. They were young (he was like 20 and she was like 18) and ended up getting into a fight or whatever after 1.5 years of dating. They broke up for a while and the hardest part for my brother was not seeing the girl. My sister in law would bring the baby around to see my brother (even gave him a photo as a fathers day gift) while they were apart. They ended up getting back together and got married a few years later. They just celebrated their 10 year wedding anniversary. Looking back I am sure she kept him in contact with her daughter because she wanted him around. Regardless of whatever issues caused the breakup if she thought he was toxic enough to keep out of her life she would not have let him around her daughter. Deep down she probably knew she wanted to be together. If you two aren't going to be together you need to move on from the kid. Some other guy will come along and be a father figure. Otherwise maybe you do want to be with your ex... Putting the kid in this limbo seems to be a bad situation for all of you. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author legless40 Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 Thank you both so much for your input. I have a couple of friends talking me through this or providing support if you will. One feels that she understands this situation as far as i have explained it and suggests that I tread carefully and lightly, giving her time and space and stay supportive of her (as she did contact me a couple of times in November when she was low and needing support - although she did seem to catch herself and try to apologise and retract, asking me to ignore her minutes later - all just emails etc) Now she seems happy, she... i dont know... doesnt initiate contact but she always responds. I put in energy and she opens up and it flows. As i said recently she sent lots of x's at the end of messages. But i guess I just didnt have the balls after suffering so much teh last 6 months missing her to reciprocate as much or push things further. Last contact was Tuesday last week. It seemed friendly but i cut the convo short by accident as my phone died. And i didnt continue communicating. I quite simply have no idea what is going through her head. Limbo is the word. Its worse when im tired... When I get enough sleep I can distract with work, but now, friday night, im in an empty house... and thoughts go to missing her. I guess I always have. Been trying very hard not to. Before I told myself i was just missing her daughter, and i was angry at my ex, as i told myself i should be... but i can remember how much i admired her... how much she admired me and apparently still does. About a month ago or more i suggested meeting up ... and i quote she said that she hates to say no to me, but that it wouldnt be a good idea. Since then i stopped pushing and was just friendly and she has been sending x's Sorry for such a long message. But maybe you are right... I dont know Link to post Share on other sites
Author legless40 Posted March 3, 2016 Author Share Posted March 3, 2016 Hey I at work in tears hiding in a room away from the main office. Ive been dating a new girl who in all respects is perfect for me, in fact she'sincredible. But I have been having new memories of me and he ex having a good time. I miss her, I feel to blame and its been a month and one day since last ontact (broke up august last year) last contact was still on the 2nd Feb (detailed in last post) Ive heard nothing from her. Up until this point I've believed that LC was the way, givin her space was the way, but from some personal experience and some new memries and nuderstandings I dont feel this way anymore. I think in the 6 months period my ex gave me several opportunities to meet up and reconnect. However I stubbornly kept up a guarded approach wanting her to contact me first. Her to come to me. I never once showed her consistently that i was willing to pu the effort in over an extended period of time. I think this is why she has given up, as towards th end of the realtionship i was already becoming distant... she has no reason to contact me first... I am supposed to be recovering and feeling better from NC right, I am supposed to be focussing on me and my goals and perhaps this new love interest. But the longer it is the clearer the felings. And wher i went wrong. And i knew this when i was with her too. But i was too much of a coward to open up my heart to her. That i all i can say right now. I miss her. And I really want to reopen communication but not sure if i should or how. I want my best friend back Link to post Share on other sites
Author legless40 Posted March 3, 2016 Author Share Posted March 3, 2016 (edited) Sorry, I'm confused - aside from missing the daughter, do you want to get back together? YES I think i do Edited March 3, 2016 by legless40 Link to post Share on other sites
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