Dilemma with co-worker

[rachel13]

Hi guys. I am not sure if I am posting to the right forum but this is my first time here, apologies in advance if I am not doing the right thing.




I have been struggling with a dilemma for two years now and right now and right now, it has reached a point where I am ready to kill myself than to think of this problem. Before I move on with my story, let me give a short background on myself and the related parties.




This story revolves around three people, me (a bisexual girl), another girl (let's call her Sarah) and her boyfriend (let's call him Sam). Okay. Here goes the story and I am telling this in chronological order from the day I met her:




I started working in an organization roughly about 2 years ago and Sarah is my co-worker and have just started off a relationship with Sam. Within the first month of being in that office, I have developed a strong attraction to Sarah. At that moment, I thought nothing of it but admitted still steal a lot of glances her way. Sarah has caught me staring her a more than a couple of time. But the weird thing is, I have caught her staring at me as well when I am not looking at her. Since everyone in the office knows of her and Sam's newly budded relationship, I just shrugged off her odd behavior and put it down to just me overthinking. Shortly after that, I casually brought this up to another co-worker (let's call her Lana) who knew her since college days. Lana wasn't surprised at her attitude. Lana said that Sarah isn't "straight" and Sarah was actually pursuing a girl for a long time before getting together with Sam. When Lana found out that Sarah got together with Sam, she was surprised and questioned Sarah on this. Sarah's answer was summarized as this: "I have just given up on love".




However, we are co-workers holding the same roles in the company so it's inevitable that I was required to work very closely with her. And with time, I grew really close to her, not just in a terms of work but also in terms of friendship. All those times she dropped a lot of hints such as "Girl are so nice to look at" or "Do you need help ending your 'dry' spell (while holding up two fingers *ahem)?" or "OMG there is a gay street somewhere, I wanna go, I think I will enjoy it". I normally just keep mum about those and just laugh them away even though I would really much like to flirt back.




Around 8-months into the friendship, we were working late one night and ended up talking about my previous breakup (she doesn't know I am bi though) and she suddenly said: "If you do end up wanting a girlfriend, you can consider me. You know, if I was single I would pursue you". I replied with something diplomatic, something like "Aww I am so flattered" and then she retorted with "But maybe not. I don't want you hurting me, you know, in case we really do get into a relationship and you decided to be straight again. I would really hurt". I said nothing and we left it at that. I must admit that her words confused the hell out of me. I mean she has just passed the one-year mark with Sam. Why say something like that? After this incident, every time I brought up Sam (How's it going with him?, Oh, you're going to visit his parents. How nice"), it is very often met with "Ok I guess; Well, he asked me to go so I just agreed to tag along" or something along those line of ambiguities. Do bear in mind that she still drops flirts every now and then, some of them not so innocent.




Fast forward a few months and Sam got temporarily transferred to a new office (he still picks her up and send her to work though) and she has taken to having lunch with me, just both of us on a daily basis. This got us so much closer, emotionally and physically. We have developed a habit of hugging, putting our arms around each other and feeding each other food. When Sam got transferred back about 8 months later, I told her she could go back to having lunch with him, back to her usual routine. And she said no. At this point (1.5 years of friendship now), I started telling her that she should be more appreciative of her relationship and if she is really happy with him, she shouldn't be afraid to admit it. That was when the bomb dropped.




She outright told me she's so vague about same is because of her sexual preference. She confessed that she's not straight. That she's bi with a preference for girls. If her relationship was a fully-straight one, it might just last. But now it's not. So Sarah's unsure about it. Then I asked her why did she get together with him in the first place? Because he was just there and was pursuing you? Her answer was: Yeah. And we get along. Share some common interests. And he is nice to me. But yeah. He was just there.




This is when I decided to test the waters a little in regards to my feelings that are stronger than ever. I asked her if another girl pursued you now, would you have left Sam for her? She said "Of course not. I am already committed to him. I already bought a house together with him". And I have my answer to my dilemma. But she managed to get me to come out to her as well, so now we are both aware of our sexualities and I still dodge her flirts. And she started wearing his shirts to work. Sometimes I see new watches on her wrists and new pendants around her neck. Seeing these images only served to pain me but I had to pretend to not to be bothered anyway.




So things went on as usual for me and Sarah (lunches alone, now even dinners, flirts and sharing food still) until recently (close to 2 years of friendship), I found out that her house is finally ready and is planning on moving in with him. This took a toll on my emotionally as I am still very much in love with her and I tendered my resignation shortly after because it hurts so much. She started wanting to be around me more, claiming that she wants to accompany me while she still can and that she plans to keep seeing me even if we no longer work together. I just went along with it as I have been known to be very soft-hearted in that sense.




A week ago both Sarah and I had a minor misunderstanding which resulted in a cold war (more like me giving her the cold shoulder and she was trying her best to understand what went wrong). But when we had the chance to make up and talk about it, we both ended up tearful and a few minutes later she starting sobbing (on my shoulders with her arms around me OMG) and said that she never wanted to get into a relationship in the first place and now she has a partner and a mortgage and she doesn't know what to do. All I could do then was to console her and tell her that everything is alright and that feeling with come to pass. Maybe she is just stressed out about the move-in with him. My words were met with silence.




So that is the end of my story. I am so sorry for the super long essay but somehow I feel that it's the only way I can give proper context to it. Right now I am so confused with her behaviour. Her words. In front of the world, Sarah seems so happy with her relationship with Sam but when around me, all she is is lukewarm when it comes to her relationship. If she was truly unhappy, why commit to a house/mortgage with him? Am I overthinking that she has feelings for me? Am I in over my head? I have been battling this feeling for 2 years and honestly its wearing me out with all these mixed signals.







[whichwayisup]

Find her manipulative and playing you, she's not sincere or genuine. I think you feed her ego and she enjoys pushing the limit with you.

 

All those times she dropped a lot of hints such as "Girl are so nice to look at" or "Do you need help ending your 'dry' spell (while holding up two fingers *ahem)?" or "OMG there is a gay street somewhere, I wanna go, I think I will enjoy it". I normally just keep mum about those and just laugh them away even though I would really much like to flirt back.

 

If a male co worker said something similar to you like above, how would you feel and react to it? Just because she's a woman doesn't change intentions of flirting...

 

Anyway, you know she's with someone so back off and distance yourself from her. She has moved in with a guy and she's minimizing their relationship in your eyes so she can flirt with you and have an ego feed. She isn't available to fool around and be yours. Please do your best to stop spending so much one on one time with her, let alone feeding each other food and cuddling etc.

 

I doubt things are awful with Sam, if she wasn't sure she would not have bought a house with him, she wouldn't be living life with him, she would have ended it before all this happened.

 

Shield your heart and tell her that you two can't 'hang out' like before and try to keep things more professional.

[privategal]

She wants both of you the same as any emotional affair, regardless of gender.

She is grooming you for a PA, setting the stage she is not happy.

Just like a classic affair, she's using all the excuses, I have the house I am stuck...she's setting up a full blown affair and setting up her alibi to not leave him in advance.

She's a cake eater.

I see this getting really messy.

I would take her moving in with him as a closure and keep your distance now and let this die.

Down the road how are you going to feel when she gets the engagement ring from Sam?

And she's gonna be acting helpless then too pretending she has no choice, she feels trapped into getting married.

She has him, she has you...a full life...what to YOU have?

Would you like a wife someday? A true real relationship without a love triangle, ruining your peace at work by potentially dating a co-worker when this starts to get messy?

Is all this gonna be worth it? Are you aware that the ending of an affair wrecks your mental state, crushes self esteem, leaves your heart snd guts in a trillion broken peices and worse...

Do not do this.

End this friendship now.

Shes not single.

She made her choice to play house.

Let her go be with Sam.

If she wanted to break up and pursue you, she would have.

She has a live in boyfriend now.

Its serious with him.

Her lines are grooming you to cake it with you when "semi" married cohabitation and sex get boring and she wants to step out on him.

[Trishern]

I suggest you cut contact with her once you leave and never look back. She's not good for you and she's even worse for poor Sam.

 

 

Mrs T

[rachel13]

Find her manipulative and playing you, she's not sincere or genuine. I think you feed her ego and she enjoys pushing the limit with you.

 

 

 

If a male co worker said something similar to you like above, how would you feel and react to it? Just because she's a woman doesn't change intentions of flirting...

 

Anyway, you know she's with someone so back off and distance yourself from her. She has moved in with a guy and she's minimizing their relationship in your eyes so she can flirt with you and have an ego feed. She isn't available to fool around and be yours. Please do your best to stop spending so much one on one time with her, let alone feeding each other food and cuddling etc.

 

I doubt things are awful with Sam, if she wasn't sure she would not have bought a house with him, she wouldn't be living life with him, she would have ended it before all this happened.

 

Shield your heart and tell her that you two can't 'hang out' like before and try to keep things more professional.

 

Well, I doubt things are awful with him. But at the same time she gives me the feeling that she would be emotionally happier with a girl, however, I agree with you that making such a huge commitment to him reflects hugely on their relationship. I hope my departure from the company will help me get over her. This has been dragging on for far too long.

[rachel13]

She wants both of you the same as any emotional affair, regardless of gender.

She is grooming you for a PA, setting the stage she is not happy.

Just like a classic affair, she's using all the excuses, I have the house I am stuck...she's setting up a full blown affair and setting up her alibi to not leave him in advance.

She's a cake eater.

I see this getting really messy.

I would take her moving in with him as a closure and keep your distance now and let this die.

Down the road how are you going to feel when she gets the engagement ring from Sam?

And she's gonna be acting helpless then too pretending she has no choice, she feels trapped into getting married.

She has him, she has you...a full life...what to YOU have?

Would you like a wife someday? A true real relationship without a love triangle, ruining your peace at work by potentially dating a co-worker when this starts to get messy?

Is all this gonna be worth it? Are you aware that the ending of an affair wrecks your mental state, crushes self esteem, leaves your heart snd guts in a trillion broken peices and worse...

Do not do this.

End this friendship now.

Shes not single.

She made her choice to play house.

Let her go be with Sam.

If she wanted to break up and pursue you, she would have.

She has a live in boyfriend now.

Its serious with him.

Her lines are grooming you to cake it with you when "semi" married cohabitation and sex get boring and she wants to step out on him.

 

Thank you for your words. Yes this is getting messy. And if I saw her getting a ring from Sam I would be very devastated. You're right. I do want a proper relationship. Perhaps I was just keeping a tiny hope that she has genuine feelings for me.

[rachel13]

I suggest you cut contact with her once you leave and never look back. She's not good for you and she's even worse for poor Sam.

 

 

Mrs T

 

I used to think Sam was so lucky to have her; and how lucky I would be if I had her. I hope I can get over her when I leave. Thank you very much for your words Mrs T.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your words. Yes this is getting messy. And if I saw her getting a ring from Sam I would be very devastated. You're right. I do want a proper relationship. Perhaps I was just keeping a tiny hope that she has genuine feelings for me.

 

The house isn't enough? Fact that she lives life with him now? Shares a bed with him every night? A ring should just clarify 100 percent that she isn't the one and never was the one for you. She was a taken woman from day one.

 

Even if her feelings are genuine and real she's chosen a life with Sam. Eventually you have to accept that and do all that you can to let her go and push her out of your heart, give up all hope. Life is short so don't cry over someone who isn't moving heaven and earth to be with you.

[Grey Cloud]

It's been 2 years of stringing you along already. If she was that confused and had true, genuine feelings for you, she would have left Sam long ago. Before a mortgage and before moving in with him.

 

I feel for you. I'm just coming out of an EA/PA with a co-worker and it's so HARD to gain perspective when you see them every day.

 

Resigning is the best thing you could have done. Don't look back and move forwards with your own life rather than waiting for her to change her mind. Because she won't.

[Miss Clavel]

I said nothing and we left it at that. I must admit that her words confused the hell out of me. I mean she has just passed the one-year mark with Sam. Why say something like that?

 

it's all about her.

 

p.s. being wicked, i confess, i would LOVE to know what sam has to say.

[rachel13]

The house isn't enough? Fact that she lives life with him now? Shares a bed with him every night? A ring should just clarify 100 percent that she isn't the one and never was the one for you. She was a taken woman from day one.

 

Even if her feelings are genuine and real she's chosen a life with Sam. Eventually you have to accept that and do all that you can to let her go and push her out of your heart, give up all hope. Life is short so don't cry over someone who isn't moving heaven and earth to be with you.

 

That tiny feeling of hope was there before she told me she got a house with him. She has been so vague about her relationship all along I didn't think she'd last this long in her relationship with Sam. But the next thing I know, she announced the house and move-in. I was utterly crushed. The hope was gone but it still hurts to be around her on a daily basis, hence the resignation. I really do deserve to be treated better than this.

 

It's been 2 years of stringing you along already. If she was that confused and had true, genuine feelings for you, she would have left Sam long ago. Before a mortgage and before moving in with him.

 

I feel for you. I'm just coming out of an EA/PA with a co-worker and it's so HARD to gain perspective when you see them every day.

 

Resigning is the best thing you could have done. Don't look back and move forwards with your own life rather than waiting for her to change her mind. Because she won't.

 

Yes. 2 years isn't very long but for someone who is trapped in the same cycle over and over again, it felt like an eternity before I saw what was really going on. If she was serious about me, she would have left Sam for me. I am just so tired of being strung along. And you're right. It's so very DIFFICULT to gain perspective and rationality when someone you like is just there playing to your soft-side.

 

I think resigning is my last ditch attempt to get over her. I would have left earlier but this is a stable and high-paying job and I am sorry that it took so long for me to make this move. My sanity isn't worth the money this company can offer. I do hope I can get over her and cut ties with her gradually. She has hinted on wanting to meet up regularly after I leave this job but I doubt she will keep her word. Too many empty promises to trust her now.

 

Good luck to you too in your EA/PA issue. I know it isn't any easier than mine. Feel free to drop me a private message if you need an ear.

 

I said nothing and we left it at that. I must admit that her words confused the hell out of me. I mean she has just passed the one-year mark with Sam. Why say something like that?

 

it's all about her.

 

p.s. being wicked, i confess, i would LOVE to know what sam has to say.

 

Hmm. I would rather keep this to myself and take this with me to the grave than to let Sam know about this. I don't know him personally but I wouldn't want to hurt him that way. I have been cheated on too so I know all too well how it feels to be betrayed. And it really does look like he loves her to death. Although the thought of telling him did cross my mind (on my moody PMS-y days) =p

[whichwayisup]

When you leave the job I think you owe it to yourself to be honest with her and tell her that you do not want to keep in touch or get together because you have feelings for her and it's best for YOU to do NC. Wish her well and ask her to please respect your decision to walk away.

[triple-s]

Dating / getting involved with your co worker is a big no no and has more consequences than anything ...

 

I had the same problem , you were strong to quit . I can't it's my only lifeline

 

To this day I suffer seeing my ex day in day out ; especially now since she's left me for another guy we work with ...

 

Lesson learned the hard way

[rachel13]

When you leave the job I think you owe it to yourself to be honest with her and tell her that you do not want to keep in touch or get together because you have feelings for her and it's best for YOU to do NC. Wish her well and ask her to please respect your decision to walk away.

 

That thought did cross my mind. I am just worried that she might just say something along the lines of "I have feelings for you too" and turn more aggressive in her approach. But we shall see how it goes.

[rachel13]

Dating / getting involved with your co worker is a big no no and has more consequences than anything ...

 

I had the same problem , you were strong to quit . I can't it's my only lifeline

 

To this day I suffer seeing my ex day in day out ; especially now since she's left me for another guy we work with ...

 

Lesson learned the hard way

 

In my company there are many couples. Some of them are even married so it's no big deal to them. Sarah and Sam are no different.

 

I am still relatively young so quitting is still an option for me but it still took me a long time to make this move.

 

I feel you. Even thought Sarah and I are nothing but friends/coworkers, seeing her day in day out is tough. And I have been through a similar experience where my ex left me for someone else and I had to see them hold hands and share food on a daily basis. Stay strong. It will come to pass.