Still need parents in my 40s

[Zapbasket]

I don't know that I'm equipped to offer advice on ways to cope with difficult and hurtful adult child / parent dynamics, but I thought at least I could post here to commiserate.

 

My mom is a terrific lady and in many ways, a very loving mother. Because I can't say she's full-fledged "awful," I have always poo-pooed my sadness and sense of abandonment at our ongoing negative dynamic that has persisted mostly unchanged since I can remember. I am a very intense, passionate person, prone to analyzing, philosophizing, and delving into the psychology of interactions, and my mother just hates these aspects of me. She of course would deny that, but her irritation that she expresses toward me on a regular basis, from the time even before I was a teenager, conveys otherwise.

 

In any case, it makes me feel awful. Particularly since my dad committed suicide when I was two and I had a very abusive step-father who, thankfully, is no longer in the picture as he was truly toxic, there are plenty of important things my mother and I need to talk about to heal the past we shared, but she does not want to and resents me for ever bringing it up. Meanwhile, I have just come to recognize fully the impact of my stepfather's abuse on me, even as an adult due to negative beliefs about myself and my lovability that I formed during the miserable years under his critical and loveless eye. I fought him growing up, and my mother would blame me for the unpleasantness in the house, saying that if I would just be quiet and take what he doled out, then everything would be fine. She even said once that it wasn't that THEY had marital problems, it was that I caused all the problems.

 

Today marks the umpteenth holiday in the past couple of years when she has decided not to speak to me. We had an argument last week when she was irritable on the phone with me and when I protested she told me to shut up and hung up on me, and I called her a b*tch and now, because I lost my cool, the whole thing in her eyes is my fault. We have had fights like these especially over the past couple of years because I have gone through a very difficult time without much support where I live, and I turned to her for support, and she vacillates between giving it and yelling at me, leaving me confused and feeling even more desolate than if I'd just not called her at all. I have tried to be as honest with her as I can about how much these interactions hurt me, and her refusal to talk to me at holidays like today, or on Christmas, or Easter of last year, when I haven't had anyone to spend any of these holidays with. But she shows no desire to even examine her own behavior, and I feel left with the impossible-seeming dilemma of having to accept a very superficial and infrequent interaction with her as the only way to have peace, while none of my needs are met and there is this huge throbbing denial between us about all the difficulties in the history we share, of which I feel only I have had to bear the brunt.

 

I have had a lot of therapy in an effort to better understand the impact of my dad's suicide, my stepfather's abuse, and my mother's refusal to process or deal with any of these things emotionally. But I still can't help myself from trying to have that close relationship with my mom that I've always craved. She is my only family, really, and it has felt impossible to give up hope for a loving relationship with her because without that hope, I have to face how desolate I really am, especially where I am in my life right now, with no close friends where I live, no spouse or partner, etc.

 

Perhaps, though, facing the reality is the only way to grow up from those long-persisting hurts and disappointments in a parent or parents who don't want to change either themselves or a dynamic they see is destructive to their children, and, if they bothered to examine it at all, themselves, as well. For me, the first step in facing the reality is no longer poo-pooing those sad feelings that I get from this ongoing dynamic with my mom. And instead of poo-pooing them, really paying attention to them. Perhaps that then enables one to become the parent you wish for, to the forlorn child still locked inside you. I don't know.

 

All I know is that I well understand the hurt that you can feel at the hands of a parent even as a full-grown adult. I used to feel ashamed, but I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about. It's natural. It makes us human. And, as your thread shows, we're not alone; lots of grown-ups are brought to their knees by challenging family dynamics. Thank goodness for psychotherapy, is all I can say :bunny:

 

Hang in there. You are not alone.

[candycane82]

Candy, I wish I could say that my parents liked my ex for a good reason, but they didn't. I divorced my husband because he stopped coming home after he lost his job and refused to try to find another job. I didn't cheat on him, and he didn't have any kind of relationship with my dad. My mom would probably not come if I were going off to a war zone either, she'd probably just say it was my decision so she doesn't need to be there. She refused to take off work on the day I was induced with my 8 year old because she had already taken a day off that month for a dentist appointment. She was not there for the birth of my daughters because we were out of state and she never did come visit after they were born. She complained about me being selfish to my step mom because I assumed she would make the wedding cake for my first wedding- which was what she did for a living. She complained that she had to help at my daughter's graduation party because I was vomiting all day and couldn't finish preparing the food. I could go on and on. I think our mom's would make great friends if they could ever take the time to get their heads out of their asses and meet someone! I hope you are able to find someone who understands the trauma you have gone through as a child and can love you knowing how hard it will be for you. Perhaps because your father was a good parent it won't be as hard for you as I feel it is for me. I feel like I am completely gone. I can't even decide what I want to eat for dinner, let alone decide what to do about how crappy my life is. I feel like if I had someone who was more emotionally available (friend or whatever) I would feel so much better, but who wants to be around someone who feels this way? I can't even have friends because my insecurities rear their ugly head and people don't want to be around me. I have no personality anymore, no interests, no opinions. I'm sounding pretty pathetic but its true.

 

 

You’re not pathetic. Your parents arepathetic. You need to just cut them out of your life. No joke. If they haven’tbeen there for you your entire life, they won’t start now. If they are favoringyour ex over you and your ex never even had a relationship with them, then lethim be their new child and you go your separate way. All you are doing isletting them control your life and your emotions. Stop. You have children whoneed you. Don’t worry about your husband, your parents, your ex whoever. If youaren’t happy and taking care of yourself, you can’t be there for your kids. Mymom being an absolute horrible mother has shown me the kind of mother I do NOTwant to be for my daughter. I know that I will do the exact opposite of what mymom did to us.

 

 

My mom did meet someone – while she wasmarried to my dad. She’s married to that guy now and I think she’s miserablehonestly. But she wanted him and my youngest brother – her “perfect” family. Weweren’t good enough so that’s fine. I only talked to her because I thought Iwas deploying to Afghanistan and then at the last minute it got cancelled. Imade it clear her husband is not my stepfather and not my daughter’sgrandfather and she hasn’t pushed it. She seems to be trying to make things upto us but she’s never going to completely change. She still favors the youngest brother.

 

 

You need to go out and make some friends.Or start off with some counseling. You really need to talk to someone licensedto handle this stuff and who can guide you into making choices to better yourlife. I mean I’m a pretty big realist (some people call negative or pessimist)and have insecurities and I have friends. You just have to let go of the peoplebrining you down before you can bring yourself up.

 

I was married until last year when I lefthim because of his addiction issues and past abuse. He finally hit “bottom” Iguess in Sept and went to rehab and has been sober since. In a halfway house.Working. Paying child support. We’ve been working things out and we don’t arguenear as much – definitely not about money and his addiction anymore. But henever really got my childhood until he got sober and then realized yeah it was****ty with my mom.

 

 

Also do not listen to RRM321’s advice. That’sthe worst advice I’ve ever read in my life. Go see a counselor or therapist whowill give you healthy guidelines to better your life.

[candycane82]

I think it's time to stop blaming yourself for other peoples failures.

 

What's amazing about you is how independent you have been all your life! So independent, that it probably provides an easy escape for the people close to you to be selfish. I'm willing to bet you rarely yell, scream, or get angry? Suffer in relative silence? Your needs aren't getting met - so, let's change that!

 

You are not defective, and you are not unwanted but you are also not being appreciated. Your parents may not be healthy candidates for change. But, here's something you can do to turn your husband into the guy who really responds to you:

 

Since he pays attention to you when he wants to get laid - lets turn that around on him and get him rewarded and occasionally laid in exchange for the sustained attention you really want. This will take months to become ingrained but, you will have trained him to respect and appreciate you like you have never imagined. He's going to develop a habit of following the path of greatest reward, and you're going to learn how to lay down that path.

 

Train him (secretly) exactly the way they train Dolphins at Sea World - give him a fish AFTER he performs a trick correctly - and only when it's correct. Praise him whenever he does something right, and DO NOT REACT at all when he does it wrong, or antagonizes you. The bigger the trick the bigger the reward. Praise or a sandwich for the small stuff, the kind of sex he likes for the really big stuff.

 

Keeping yourself cleaned up and made up will help hold his attention and respect upon the powerful and quality woman that you are. However, when his interest is stirred tell him exactly what you want or need. Perhaps it's a babysitter so you can go shopping, a dinner date for the two of you, even something as simple as taking out the trash! Doesn't matter - just be sure to praise and reward the positive and completely ignore the negative. (Not silent treatment - just no nagging and no reward, including negative rewards like enjoining argument, or push-back.) On the big stuff tell him when, where, and what you're willing to do if he complies with your wish.

 

Just remember - positive feedback for EVERYTHING he does right. No feedback at all for the unwanted behavior. All reminders and requests for things not attended too, or done improperly should be posed as a fresh optimistic query (new trick) not a criticism.

 

It's a lot of work - but it could well be worth it for you. For more details on this idea you can find the original book titled: What I learned from Shamu about Life, Love, and Marriage.

 

I don't know who wrote this book but this is horrible advice. Awful. Training your husband? He's not a pet. That's supposed to be her partner but he's not acting like one. She needs to just put her foot down and tell him what's up and if he doesn't like it he can leave. Or she will leave.

 

 

Either way she needs to seek an actual counselor or therapist. Not read crappy advice books.

[RRM321]

I don't know who wrote this book but this is horrible advice. Awful. Training your husband? He's not a pet. That's supposed to be her partner but he's not acting like one. She needs to just put her foot down and tell him what's up and if he doesn't like it he can leave. Or she will leave.

 

 

Either way she needs to seek an actual counselor or therapist. Not read crappy advice books.

 

As you noted, you simply don't know.

 

It is unreasonable to expect anyone to treat us better than we are willing to treat ourselves. We can wait our whole life for some miracle of transformation to find it's way into our spouse's drinking water - or we can start right now teaching them to be sensitive to our needs.

[candycane82]

As you noted, you simply don't know.

 

It is unreasonable to expect anyone to treat us better than we are willing to treat ourselves. We can wait our whole life for some miracle of transformation to find it's way into our spouse's drinking water - or we can start right now teaching them to be sensitive to our needs.

 

What? Yeah I don't know who wrote the book but whoever THEY are...they're horrible with advice.

 

 

Again she needs to seek a counselor who can guide her with healthy tips and how to make healthy choices. Not some book.