How do you undo bad habits, and learned behaviour in a relationship?

[Thinkalot]

My husband and I have a few areas of our relationship which consistently need work, and consistently cause problems. We love each other so much and we have so many good things about us, and yet the bad things can be so tiring and frustrating, because its like we are on a loop!

We know what we each do wrong, we know the part we each play in the dance, but we cant seem to stop dancing to the same tune.

 

How do you make real and lasting changes to bad habits, repeat communication problems, learned defensiveness etc.It seems like because we've come through rocky patches in the past, we are both still carrying some baggage from that, and get defensive.

 

We always talk, and then fix it, but it always comes back. We try being loving, nice, understanding, having empathy etc. listening, talking, not talking, whatever.

 

How do you truly break these cycles though...over a longer term? Some of them seem like text book relationship problems, but knowing that doesnt help us depart from the script.

 

We just want to keep making 'us' even better, because the good times and even the average times really are tops.

 

I want to know what I can do to make things easier...how I can play my part in breaking a pattern. It will involve me being totally unselfish and accepting and giving, even in the face of not so good behaviour on his side, and having a lot of trust, that he will respond in kind. It's easier said than done though.

[whichwayisup]

It's like anxiety (sorry but I can only compare this to your situation) and negative thought patterns. Being active and NOT allowing your mind to slip back. It's always an effort, something you MAKE yourself do.

 

When you both find yourselves slipping into old patterns, realize it, discuss it and change it right away. How long is the time it's OK before you slip again?

 

They say it takes 30 days to create a habit and another 30 days to destroy it.

 

I suggest you both start a journal and write about the goals, and how you want things to be and stay.

 

Go to councilling together, cognitive behaviour therapy, or google it and see what work sheets come up. Try the exercises together too.

 

Hope this helps!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

There are all kinds of weekend retreats for marriage enhancement as well.

[portableversion]

goto amazon.com and do a search in the book for nlp and relationships. I read it a while ago bit I believe it was called nlp in relationships or something close to that. It discusses belief systems and communication. NLP stands for neurolinguistic programming. it may help I got a used copy for real cheap.

[moimeme]

With GREAT difficulty. All habits are hard to break. WWIU is right - you need constant diligence and it can be exhausting.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks for the tips. We are reading a book together called "reconcilable differences"- it's pretty good and has little questions and things you answer together at the end of each chapter. Helps pull apart the dynamics of an argument, and what's really driving it.

[Me2]

Well, before say or do something, think whether it will hurt someone's feeling. Take your time to think before say or act. Imagine if someone do the same things to you...if its hurt your feeling, the chances of others get hurt is the same.