No interest in sex with my wife

[Ladyjane14]

I heard that it's common that once men see their wives boobs as functional it can have an impact on how they perceive them. They aren't sexual to some men anymore.

 

Maybe that's what's happening here.

 

It might not even be oedipal... sometimes it's just the stress of being a new father, unaddressed anxiety at the prospect of being the back-stop; provider and protector. Oftentimes, guys who are internally freaked out by the responsibility of keeping a whole family afloat, don't even know what it is that's bothering them. They find something topical to focus on, and next thing you know, they're sabotaging the marriage in order to escape.

[amaysngrace]

It might not even be oedipal... sometimes it's just the stress of being a new father, unaddressed anxiety at the prospect of being the back-stop; provider and protector. Oftentimes, guys who are internally freaked out by the responsibility of keeping a whole family afloat, don't even know what it is that's bothering them. They find something topical to focus on, and next thing you know, they're sabotaging the marriage in order to escape.

 

Could very well be. I noticed when he said his wife breastfed that it was good for the baby but bad for the daddy. Maybe he's trying to make it about him because he can't pinpoint what's truly bothering him.

 

Maybe you're right...maybe he is having a hard time with his own role in the family dynamic. That's unfortunate because a man who can be a good father and a good husband is worth their weight in gold.

 

I hope he gets there one day.

[Ladyjane14]

Could very well be. I noticed when he said his wife breastfed that it was good for the baby but bad for the daddy. Maybe he's trying to make it about him because he can't pinpoint what's truly bothering him.

 

Maybe you're right...maybe he is having a hard time with his own role in the family dynamic. That's unfortunate because a man who can be a good father and a good husband is worth their weight in gold.

 

I hope he gets there one day.

 

If that ends up being his problem, he's probably got a good prognosis. I'd say he needs to talk it out in IC to find out. Typically, these kind of guys are hyper-responsible at heart, and once they realize where the stress is coming from, they do very well with a little support.

 

Of course, the flip-side of that is that when they don't figure soon enough where the stress is coming from, they're likely to do a "Wreck-It Ralph" on their home-life.

[sandylee1]

Perhaps when she has an affair due to your lack of interest in her sexually.......you'll have a different view. A woman will not have the same body as she did in her youth and apart from a breast augmentation......I don't see a solution.

 

Have you thought about whether you're just the same as when you met? Is there anything she may deem less attractive about you?

[samantha_t85]

Ugh. I feel so terrible for your wife.

[MJJean]

Does she have stretch marks and/or lose abdominal skin? If so, does that bother you or is it just the breasts?

 

And, trying to be gentle here, how bad are the breasts? Frankly, I've seen friends after long term breastfeeding have absolutely horrid breasts complete with blue veining, deep stretch marks, and very saggy. I can't blame a guy for not finding that attractive. But I've also seen friends breasts change little and they and/or their SO's freaked. So, how bad is it, really? Is this something you could learn to accept and love as a perfect imperfection or is it a really drastic change?

 

If it's not the total body changes wrought by pregnancy, but just the breasts, I think this is a cope with it somehow situation. If she wants cosmetic repair and you're willing and able to pay the costs, that's great. But you aren't going to be able to do that until you're done having babies. Between now and when she can have surgery, you're going to have to do whatever is necessary to maintain your marriage and that includes having regular sex with your wife.

 

I'm not sure how much you know about the importance of sex in a relationship, but sex produces many chemicals and hormones that bond us to our partners and that also provide other mental and physical benefits. Being denied sex is painful and mentally damaging to a person. Having no or low sex can be damaging to the marriage if one partner is dissatisfied with frequency. And, of course, lack of sex seems to weaken that pair bond.

 

I'm sure you could find a compromise or way to work around the breast issue, but be careful! Whatever methods you use could cause unforeseen long term damage. I think, ideally, you should come up with multiple work arounds and rotate them so that you don't accidentally condition yourself or your wife to behavior that would be unwanted later.

 

For example, if you started only having sex with a shirt or bra on, that habit could become so ingrained that it becomes uncomfortable to do it bare chested. And you don't want to use porn too much, either. Google "your brain on porn" and you'll see why.

 

Do you masturbate? Maybe if you stopped masturbating altogether you might be more motivated to overlook the appearance of her breasts. Might not work, but worth a try.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now, the breasts are not only not attractive but actually getting me repulsed (sorry if it sounds harsh but I can't blame my mind/hormones for what they feel when seeing it).

 

Figured you'd flamed for this - and rightly so.

 

I'll only say my wife had two C-sections, one under emergency conditions where the doctor couldn't be too careful and so she has big scars. I'm sure to kiss them each time we have sex just to acknowledge what they represent.

 

Next time try making love to the person rather than the breasts. It's a heck of a lot more fun...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SJS]

Perhaps when she has an affair due to your lack of interest in her sexually.......

I think he's more of an affair risk. The first woman with perky C's to give him attention will resolve his current "issues".

[elaine567]

I think he's more of an affair risk. The first woman with perky C's to give him attention will resolve his current "issues".

 

I fear you may have hit the nail on the head.

[sandylee1]

I think he's more of an affair risk. The first woman with perky C's to give him attention will resolve his current "issues".

 

 

True indeed.....or they'll both be having affairs..and her reason will be he doesn't want sex with me..I have to beg for it. It's quite easy for a woman to get laid ...but a MM has to turn on the charm to get someone to be with him.

 

I would have suggested lights out..but guys are so visual they want to see everything.

 

Repulsed is a really strong word though. Pregnancy can take it's toll on a woman's body......

[veryhappy]

You are culturally conditioned to find perky breasts sexually attractive. Tribal people do not connect breasts with sex, and find long breasts a good sign of having fed many babies.

 

 

Now that you can blame your culture, what can you do? Get out of your head. Having two more kids will do nothing to improve your wife's perkiness or waist to hip ratio. I suggest you go to therapy and hash it all out. It's much better to deal with it at two kids than at four. Less potential victims.

 

 

If you're watching porn, I suggest you stop or watch more natural types to get that ideal out of your head.

 

 

Edit to ask: is your wife on the same page with two more kids being a plan for the future? Are you using birth control? She might think you're okay with conceiving now if you don't.

Edited February 8, 2016 by cutedragon

[Zoe5.5]

Hi there,

 

I'm 29, she is 31 and we are married for 7 years (together for 12 years) with 2 daughters.

 

I noticed that my sex drive has declined significantly in the last two years.

It could be stress although it was bad also on times when I wasn't stressed.

I ran a blood test and my testosterone levels are even a bit above average.

 

Other than the low sex drive, since the first pregnancy my wife's body has gotten much less attractive than it was back in the day when I also had crazy high sex drive due to being very young (18-22).

I'm having a very hard time getting over this, especially the small saggy breasts that used to be those perky c cups back then and used to attract me into sexual activity all the time.

Now, the breasts are not only not attractive but actually getting me repulsed (sorry if it sounds harsh but I can't blame my mind/hormones for what they feel when seeing it).

We have talked about it openly (not about the fact that this is one of the major low interest in sex catalysts) but about the fact that her breasts bother her also.

She even suggested to get a breast lift/fill and I have told her that I would never want her to do that for me but she said that she wanted it BUT she wants at least two more kids (one of them very soon) and she will probably have to go through the lift/fill again after the next pregnancy (researched it already...).

 

So right now the bottom line is that I have no interest in having sex with her and she gets mad at me for not taking care of this as she suggested to go to marriage counseling.

The thing is that I know the main reason for my low sexual interest but the last thing that I want to do is tell her that it's because of her body which is something that she can't change right now (as mentioned above).

 

Any ideas? she just went to sleep mad at me for not wanting to...

 

 

 

Hello ,

That is a huge weight on your shoulders . I can relate . My wife has an thyroid issue that causes irregular cycles more than normal . we both are in our 40s and she is going through the change of life .

 

 

Yes it has made it to where she has the desire, but can never catch a break so we can. She has gained weight along with it that is beyond her control and non food related. Here is how we have handled it all.

 

 

A. She knows her body than I do , so I allow her to make the move when she is ready and so there is 0% of added pressure .

 

 

B. I have learned to look for the best qualities in life she brings to the table and compliment her with words of affirmation. You know , speak how beautiful her personality is and how it brings out the best in my wife. Plus I like to hold her hand and give her hugs and kisses. Kisses does not always mean we have lay a huge liplock on our wives. Little things are as important to the women too is what I have learned.

 

 

C.Share in the daily household responsibilities and or cook her favorite meal . Take an interest in things she likes . Try not to pressure your wife into liking what you do. Appreciate her for who she is and she in turn will pick up on it and in return start to share the same things about you .

 

 

 

 

Love is unconditional or without conditions placed on it. Love is an action word . You married and took the same oath that all men take, For Better or for Worse. For Richer or poorer, for sickness and health , in life and in death . The ring band is a never ending circle and that goes for the marriage as well.

 

 

Be grateful you have a wife and 2 kids. My wife is unable to have kids naturally and we are unable to afford adoption. So , We have learned to be grateful for what we have and to not take it for granted and honor our marriage vows. I hope this is a message of encouragement and brings a new understanding and hope to your marriage .

[RRM321]

I was in love with the person, never the shell. So, sex always came along in the wake of an emotionally overwhelming tide. I agree with those who have said that the problem lies in your ability to love this person, not necessarily their body. You of course, are also getting older and showing some mileage too!

 

What killed my interest in sex with my ex-wife was the turn and realization of such abusive behavior that the very idea of sex with someone who is treating me so badly would be humiliating. It's was never about her age or body.

[loveboid]

I think the wife has lost confidence in her breasts and that is turning him off. If she still loved her breasts I'm sure he would too.

[elaine567]

I think the wife has lost confidence in her breasts and that is turning him off. If she still loved her breasts I'm sure he would too.

I very much doubt that, he is "repulsed" by them.

[spanz1]

so you do not like the shape of your wife.

You are planning on MORE kids.

Breastfeeding for 2 years each turns you off.

You want to be more horny for the wife.

 

^Is that about it?

 

*If i were you, and just woke up from a coma and realized the above 4 points, i would:

*Take her to a hot lingerie shop, like Fredricks of Hollywood, and get her to try on the sluttiest lingerie they had. If she found hot things that fit, I would buy them all.

*I would encourage her to dress sexy around the house. i.e. skirt, revealing blouse, lacy panties and bra. Sometimes just knowing she is wearing sexy things can turn a guy on.

*I would try to find out what SHE wants for sex acts. She probably has sex fantasies, maybe even masturbates to them. Lets say she says "i want to be forced to have sex by Brad Pitt" as her fantasy. Maybe dress up like brad does in a movie. Watch the movie with her. Take her upstairs, and role play you are Brad Pitt. (or role play whatever other fantasy she has, like a fireman, police man, etc). The idea is, if you are fulfilling her fantasy, she will probably have vocal and amazing sex with you, and you will get turned on by your manliness at providing that sex. Then the next time, that memory will re-inforce it all.

*Rent 50 shades of grey and watch it together, in the nude, with some wine. Then write down anything you want to try, and go do it.

 

See if any of THAT stuff works.

 

Also, check that YOU are not taking any weird drugs (like antidepressants) that are killing your libido

 

oh, and why the heck do you want ANY more kids at this point? Stop that foolishness. Do you want to be paying for two MORE kids on child support when you divorce her?

[stillafool]

OP, I'm sure you aren't the only man to feel this way. It is part of life so when you feel down about your wife's breasts, turn and look at your healthy babies and be thankful. Also fake breasts aren't going to make you feel better because they are just that, fake.

[AMJ]

Stories like this make me never want to get married.

[elaine567]

*If i were you, and just woke up from a coma and realized the above 4 points, i would:

*Take her to a hot lingerie shop, like Fredricks of Hollywood, and get her to try on the sluttiest lingerie they had. If she found hot things that fit, I would buy them all.

*I would encourage her to dress sexy around the house. i.e. skirt, revealing blouse, lacy panties and bra. Sometimes just knowing she is wearing sexy things can turn a guy on.

*I would try to find out what SHE wants for sex acts. She probably has sex fantasies, maybe even masturbates to them. Lets say she says "i want to be forced to have sex by Brad Pitt" as her fantasy. Maybe dress up like brad does in a movie. Watch the movie with her. Take her upstairs, and role play you are Brad Pitt. (or role play whatever other fantasy she has, like a fireman, police man, etc). The idea is, if you are fulfilling her fantasy, she will probably have vocal and amazing sex with you, and you will get turned on by your manliness at providing that sex. Then the next time, that memory will re-inforce it all.

*Rent 50 shades of grey and watch it together, in the nude, with some wine. Then write down anything you want to try, and go do it.

 

See if any of THAT stuff works.

 

But after all that role play and sexy moves and movies, and underneath all that fancy lingerie, are the small saggy breasts that "repulse" him.

 

Unfortunately even with plastic surgery, they may never return to the "perky C cups", he enjoyed when she was 19.

In the meantime he has a wife who is building resentment, due to lack of sex...

People have sex with all sorts of people, not only perfect specimens, the drive to have sex is usually very strong, I doubt this is really about her boobs. He needs to delve deep and I think individual counseling may give him some answers here.

[Httm]

Why would you continue to have children with someone you aren't attracted to?

[SJS]

Why would you continue to have children with someone you aren't attracted to?

Along the same line, why stay married to someone who repulses you?

[Robert]

The thread starter has not been around for over a week, so we'll close this up. If they wish it to be reopened they can use the Alert Us button on this post.

 

~6