Husband broke up out of the blue - Over a text message

[edel]

Hello,

 

I guess I just need some support and answers to the questions I cannot stop asking myself.

 

My(28) husband (32) of five months broke up with me this Wednesday. Let me explain: We have been together for almost four years, he proposed early last year, we got married and just bought an apartment together. Everything was so great, we had so many plans for the future, and he always told me all the time that he loves me. If there were any red flags I honestly didn't see them. We seemed so happy. When I told a friend of mine who knows us both of the breakup he said that we are the last couple he ever would have thought break up. And it's true. I really didn't see it coming, especially not after we literally just got married and bought an apartment together.

 

The breakup obviously is horrible, but the way did it is absolutely devastating. I had a trip to another country planned to visit a friend, and a day before I left we had a fight. We don't fight very often, and I didn't think it was serious. Both of us just got pretty pissed and we didn't say goodbye on very good terms. As soon as I left, I thought he would text me. He did not. I waited two days, no text. Then I reached out to him, and we texted every day till the day of my return. We weren't all lovey-dovey in the texts since the fight still wasn't solved, but it was normal stuff and he even said stuff like 'When you're back we should go to X restaurant'. I thought we just had a short rough patch and would make up as soon as I get home.

 

The morning of my flight back I sent him a text, saying 'How do you feel about me getting back today?' I did not expect at all the message I got back. He literally wrote me 'I actually don't think I want to be married and I really enjoyed the time alone at home. I think I need to be alone to find my own rhythm.' I was shocked, and wrote back 'What does that mean? Do you want to break up?' and he wrote 'Yes. I think I really need to be alone'

 

I was so shocked that I didn't answer anymore and wanted to wait till I get back to the apartment to talk in person. When I arrived and he got home from work later, he came to the bed room where I was sitting and said 'So I guess we should talk'. I told him to talk, to explain what exactly this means etc., but all he said was 'I never wanted to hurt you'. Nothing else. I said a lot of things, basically had a monologue, while he just looked to the floor and didn't say a single word. Really nothing. I then asked what he wants to do with the apartment we bought, if he wants to buy me out or whatever, he still didn't answer. I asked him if there is anything he wants to tell me, no answer, then he shook his head. I told him to leave. He left the room and locked himself in the guest bedroom, didn't come out for the rest of the day.

 

Today I confronted him again, told him 'If you want me to leave, say it at least. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't want to be with me anymore, that you want a divorce. You owe me that, I just cannot believe you would just send me a WhatsApp message'. He seriously did not answer. He looked at me and didn't say a word. I waited for probably a minute, then I turned around and left. Nothing else since.

 

 

I feel absolutely terrible and devastated. I always thought that he was the love of my life, an absolutely wonderful sweet man who loves me and who would never leave me, and then he doesn't just leave me, but leaves me in the worst way ever. Through a WhatsApp message, and then doesn't talk to me in person, is too coward to say a word. Just 5(!) days ago we still talked about going to a restaurant these days, just two weeks ago he said how much he loves me and we talked about a trip we had planned for May. This doesn't make any sense to me. I'm so lost. I feel like I have lost every trust I ever had. We're in the same apartment now and he passes me if I wasn't even there, he doesn't talk, nothing. I wish he would at least tell me that he doesn't love me, that everything was a lie and that he wants me to leave. But he doesn't. It is impossible to me to understand what happened. I do want to leave actually. I'm not hoping he changes his mind. I feel like after what he did, the way he broke up I could never trust him again, I would always feel insecure in the relationship. I feel like he maybe never was the man I thought he is. I want to leave, but I love him and the pain is killing me. I'm planning to move out in one week, I'm already planning. I haven't told him yet, but I guess that's what he wants anyway.

 

Guys, can you help me understand what happened? I don't, I really don't. I'm devastated. It's so hard to move on knowing we literally just got married, and not getting any reason for the break up.

 

 

Thanks for any answer, advice or support.

[blue_jay_bird]

I'm hoping ppl give long posts about this dick head.

 

But first, you shouldn't be living together. HE should move out/rent a room NOW. You should pack his crap put it by the door. NOW.

 

Get MAD. NOW.

 

If it's not possible for him to move out. You do it. But you don't have tell, you should text him (like he did)

 

What a ****ing twat.

 

What you need to do is make this break up a reality. I know this sounds hard, cause you want to work things out.

 

But right now, he still has you. He's too much of a coward to pull the trigger completely by telling you the whole truth.

Edited February 8, 2016 by blue_jay_bird

[angel.eyes]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

It's so sudden and abrupt, that I wonder if there might be another woman involved. I could be totally off, but sometimes when a spouse suddenly decides out of the blue to separate, he or she is seeing someone else. "Routine" fights, which every couple has, don't usually lead someone to abandon the relationship abruptly, especially a marriage. Something else is going on. Can you do a little digging discreetly? Try to figure out his motives, without tipping him off that you're suspicious? Check his cell phone bill for numerous calls to a number you don't recognize, especially any that has a distinct change in frequency or pattern while you were away. Check his texts. Place a voice-activated recorder in his car. Monitor his whereabouts with the GPS on his phone. I suspect there's a lot more to the story. I have my doubts that a routine fight and not "missing" you prompted him to abruptly separate.

 

Again, I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. Do you have friends and family you can turn to for support?

[edel]

Thank you. I don't think there is someone else, he barely spends time alone (because HE was the one who wants to spend time with me all the time. If he wanted to go out with his friends alone for a beer, no problem). I have to admit I snooped already, went through his Facebook and WhatsApp messages, but didn't see anything overly suspicious. He was texting with some girl I don't know, but it seemed to be on a very friendly just knowing each other basis. That's why I'm really lost, I really don't get what's up and he cannot even say to my face that he wants a divorce. Instead, he's now sitting in the living room, doing a language course in my native language online, which is pretty loud (the woman always reads something in my language and he has to translate or the other way around). It makes me even more pissed knowing he still keeps to learn my language, even now.

 

A friend of mine said that maybe there were just a lot of things he didn't like about the relationship, but since he isn't a big talker he just kept it to himself until it got too much and then he just broke up. But that doesn't make it better- I mean if there was any problem he should have told me! And I don't wanna work things out, I will leave. To me, we're broken up with no return. But it just hurts so badly and I don't understand. Oh, and I want to move out because most of the stuff in the apartment is his, and I feel like I need a fresh start, I don't want to live in an apartment where we once lived together and loved each other.

[Fleur de cactus]

Sorry you have to go through this. Take care of yourself. Do you have friends, parents, family members who can provide comfort? YOu need to talk to some people who care ans not staying with that stranger. What did you fight about? I am thinking that he wanted the fight to take place so that he can use is as an excuse to leave you. I am sure he has someone way before the fight. He had a plan.

 

I am very sorry, it is heart breaking. I dont see why you have to leave. He is the one who is breaking up. Kick him out. Unless you prefer to be the one who leave. I hope you will find support from friends. Stay strong girl. You will find truth love someday. That man never loved you. He faked, it just to show people that he can get married.

[angel.eyes]

Thank you. I don't think there is someone else, he barely spends time alone (because HE was the one who wants to spend time with me all the time. If he wanted to go out with his friends alone for a beer, no problem). I have to admit I snooped already, went through his Facebook and WhatsApp messages, but didn't see anything overly suspicious. He was texting with some girl I don't know, but it seemed to be on a very friendly just knowing each other basis. That's why I'm really lost, I really don't get what's up and he cannot even say to my face that he wants a divorce.

Every betrayed spouse denies that their partner could possibly be cheating...no time, always together, no interest, etc...and then has to eat those words. Does he work? Do you? Then you spend time apart. You owe it to yourself to dig a little deeper. Put a voice-activated recorder in his car.

 

So he's smart enough to erase incriminating messages. Who is this woman he's now very friendly with?

 

How have things been in the bedroom?

 

Suddenly being unable to look at you, talk to you, or be in the same room with you is not a normal response to a routine fight! Something is up!

[edel]

Sorry you have to go through this. Take care of yourself. Do you have friends, parents, family members who can provide comfort? YOu need to talk to some people who care ans not staying with that stranger. What did you fight about? I am thinking that he wanted the fight to take place so that he can use is as an excuse to leave you. I am sure he has someone way before the fight. He had a plan.

 

I am very sorry, it is heart breaking. I dont see why you have to leave. He is the one who is breaking up. Kick him out. Unless you prefer to be the one who leave. I hope you will find support from friends. Stay strong girl. You will find truth love someday. That man never loved you. He faked, it just to show people that he can get married.

 

 

Yea, I have friends and family, I'll be fine I guess. And I really want to leave, I don't want to stay here, so it's okay he stays in the apt.

[edel]

Every betrayed spouse denies that their partner could possibly be cheating...no time, always together, no interest, etc...and then has to eat those words. Does he work? Do you? Then you spend time apart. You owe it to yourself to dig a little deeper. Put a voice-activated recorder in his car.

 

So he's smart enough to erase incriminating messages. Who is this woman he's now very friendly with?

 

How have things been in the bedroom?

 

Suddenly being unable to look at you, talk to you, or be in the same room with you is not a normal response to a routine fight! Something is up!

 

 

No, believe me, I'm not like that. I'm not saying that he's 100% not cheating because you never know, but according to his Whatsapp messages and Facebook messages he isn't, and I wouldn't even know when he would have had time for that (I know his work schedule and he never has to do 'extra hours', he always came straight home and we spent 99% of our free time together). An ex has cheated on me in the past and I would never pretend he didn't.

 

Oh and this girl apparently a girl who organizes surfing trips (we like surfing) and he texted her and asked her stuff like 'Do you know who I have to talk to to go to XX place to surf' and 'Thanks, see you next week at the beach maybe' so I'm pretty sure it's nothing (at least not yet).

[angel.eyes]

Interesting that you didn't address this question:

 

How have things been in the bedroom?

[edel]

Interesting that you didn't address this question:

 

Oops, I honestly didn't read that. Our sex life has been AMAZING and I'm not exaggerating. We usually had sex 3-4 times a week, I don't wanna get to graphic but we did a lot of stuff, including oral. He never turned me down, and he initiated most of the time. He has also said how great our sex life is.

[angel.eyes]

It happens sometimes. You're reading quickly and miss something. No worries.

 

Anyway, I think you do yourself a disservice by not looking a little harder. He's not being honest with you about his true motives for the abrupt separation.

 

At any rate, this is a very difficult time for you. Lean on your support system. These boards are also a great resource, both for support and advice, as your story unfolds. All the best. I truly hope things work out for you.

[bathtub-row]

I think it's interesting that you think it's pretty normal to leave on a trip while the two of you are in the midst of an unresolved argument. I understand that this kind of thing happens but you seemed to think it was ok. Not only that, no real attempts were made to resolve it by either of you, as far as I can tell. I would've been on the phone with my spouse in order to get things cleared up.

 

I get the impression that this relationship is more tumultuous than you're saying because he seemed to feel more at peace while you were gone. This is not normal. There seems to be some missing info here. I'm not excusing what he did but there seems to be a real disconnect.

[edel]

I think it's interesting that you think it's pretty normal to leave on a trip while the two of you are in the midst of an unresolved argument. I understand that this kind of thing happens but you seemed to think it was ok. Not only that, no real attempts were made to resolve it by either of you, as far as I can tell. I would've been on the phone with my spouse in order to get things cleared up.

 

 

Uhm, I had plane tickets and a hotel booked, all for months already. So you're saying I shouldn't have gone on that expensive trip to see my friend who lives in another country who I only see once a year and loose over a 1000$? I don't think so. If positions were reversed, I also would have let him go and just waited a week till he's back to continue talking.

 

I waited two days to see if he contacts me, he didn't, then I called him. We talked, everything seemed okay, and I thought we just leave the rest for when I'm back. We talked on WhatsApp every day while I was gone and we seemed okay. Then he broke up with me over WhatsApp. What other effort should I have done?

[edel]

It happens sometimes. You're reading quickly and miss something. No worries.

 

Anyway, I think you do yourself a disservice by not looking a little harder. He's not being honest with you about his true motives for the abrupt separation.

 

At any rate, this is a very difficult time for you. Lean on your support system. These boards are also a great resource, both for support and advice, as your story unfolds. All the best. I truly hope things work out for you.

 

 

Thank you, I think I'll be fine, at least I hope so. I have asked him a million times what the real reasons are, all I get is either no answer or he says he realized he doesn't want to be married and that being married is not the life he always wanted. I remember a while ago he said we're fighting too much, but then we analyzed the situation and in the end he said actually we aren't (for the record we only fight every few months). I kinda start believing that there were maybe a lot of small things he didn't like which accumulated and he never told me, or/and that he really just cannot get used to the fact to be a married man who comes home to his wife after work, and that for the rest of his life. Maybe he thought this wasn't the crazy adventure life he dreamed of, and that this might be too boring for him (even though our relationship was really far from boring).

[edel]

The main point of this thread isn't that he broke up, things like that happen (even though I feel absolutely terrible about it) but the way he did it. Over a WhatsApp message. And til now he still cannot say to my face that he wants to get divorced. I think it's so coward. If you really love or loved someone, at least you can get some balls and sit down that person and tell him/her in person that you want to break up, you don't just do something like that. That reminds me of when I was 15 and I broke up with my first boyfriend of like 6 weeks, on the phone.

[Captivating]

Edel,

Sometimes people leave a relationship because they don't feel appreciated.

How did that last fight go?

 

I agree with Angel.eyes. Since this is a sudden breakup and his demeanor changed drastically, he might have met someone he is falling for.

I just don't understand why he cannot tell you the reason. I would keep asking him He owes you an honest explanation so that you don't keep on obsessing over this while grieving the relationship.

 

Is it a personality trait of yours that bothers him, or the way you make him feel, or you guys hung out way too much in his freetime (99%?) and feels suffocated/overwhelmed, or he met a woman (or a man??) or the fights gradually killed his feelings for you because he saw how his parents fought all the time and he didn't want to end up like them....these are my guesses...Maybe all he needs is time for himself, did he give himself up in the relationship?

 

Look at his phone records

[S2B]

I think he owes you explanations. He needs to explain himself to you.

 

It's a marriage not dating! And by text? That's not one bit adequate! He needs to be a grown up and tell you what's on his mind!

[marky00]

99.9% he met someone else. Probably that surfing chick.

 

When its sudden like this and no explanation, it means the truth is to ugly to face.

 

If it wasn't due to a 3rd party, there would have been a weening off period, more discussions/arguments and the reasons for him leaving would have been more clear.

[bathtub-row]

I never said that you shouldn't have gone on the trip. What I said is that one or both of you should've had a phone conversation while you were there in order to clear things up. Texting is not a real conversation. It's very easy to pretend via text.

 

As far as what he did -- it was very chicken but this is very common for men. They'll do everything in their power to cause the woman to walk out the door, but they will almost never end things themselves. This is why so many men cheat.

 

He has basically given you his answer by not answering you. If I were you, I'd tell him to move out and then I'd file for divorce.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[mightycpa]

So here's the interesting thing to me. You had a fight, then he starts ignoring you at the beginning of your trip. I doubt it was the fight. He might be terse, but he wouldn't ignore you. I'd hire a private detective tomorrow.

[13Hearts]

It made me sick to read your story because it reminds me of the day I found out my then-fiance had had sex with someone else after we had a fight. He could not handle the fight or something, later said he felt bad about himself, so he went to a bar and had a few drinks, and let some girl pick him up, had sex with her in the parking lot, and contracted STDs from her!

 

The day he told me, it took HOURS for him to tell me. I knew something was wrong so I kept trying to talk to him, get him to tell me ANYTHING, but he just wouldn't.

 

I do not know what this person you are married to is hiding but he is hiding something. My advice is: NO MATTER WHAT, do not have sex with this person and if you must, make sure he uses a condom! Do not allow yourself to have make-up sex with him unprotected!

 

Be strong. Rally your girlfriends around you. Prepare to hear bad news, and make a plan for your life for at least the next month. Don't worry too much about the future; just focus on getting YOUR needs met. I just love how this guy has no problem turning your world completely upside down in the blink of an eye! (sarcasm)

[edel]

Edel,

Sometimes people leave a relationship because they don't feel appreciated.

How did that last fight go?

 

I agree with Angel.eyes. Since this is a sudden breakup and his demeanor changed drastically, he might have met someone he is falling for.

I just don't understand why he cannot tell you the reason. I would keep asking him He owes you an honest explanation so that you don't keep on obsessing over this while grieving the relationship.

 

Is it a personality trait of yours that bothers him, or the way you make him feel, or you guys hung out way too much in his freetime (99%?) and feels suffocated/overwhelmed, or he met a woman (or a man??) or the fights gradually killed his feelings for you because he saw how his parents fought all the time and he didn't want to end up like them....these are my guesses...Maybe all he needs is time for himself, did he give himself up in the relationship?

 

Look at his phone records

 

 

I don't think he didn't feel appreciated. I think I was a pretty good wife. Always telling him how amazing he is, hugging and kissing him, baking him cakes, making him dinner, buying him amazing stuff for his bday etc. I don't scream or anything when we have fights, but I do think he feels like we cannot solve our fights. I mean at least he said that once a while ago, I mean not that we cannot solve them, but that he thinks we're fighting too much. When we have a fight, I wanna talk about it, talk it out and then make up, while he completely shuts down and doesn't talk at all, even goes to another room. Sometimes he wouldn't talk to me for a few days. Never thought this was healthy and always tried to make him talk to me, but always failed. I really felt helpless sometimes and didn't know what to do.

 

I don't think he felt suffocated, but who knows. I mean it was HIM who wanted to spend so much time together. I'm a person who very much needs her friends, so if I don't see my friends at least once a week or so I'm not that happy. He on the other hand doesn't seem to have that need for hanging out with friends, I mean he has friends and he hangs out with them, but he usually asks me if I wanna come (well, all of his friends are usually bringing their wives along as well). He comes home after work and suggests that we do stuff. If he had told me he's going for beer with a friend (which happened sometimes, but almost never) I wouldn't have minded.

[edel]

99.9% he met someone else. Probably that surfing chick.

 

When its sudden like this and no explanation, it means the truth is to ugly to face.

 

If it wasn't due to a 3rd party, there would have been a weening off period, more discussions/arguments and the reasons for him leaving would have been more clear.

 

Sorry, I really don't think so. It has nothing to do with me denying anything, I would never say that 100% he's not cheating, but I'm 99.999% sure it's not that surfer girl. First of all, she's quite unattractive. Yes, surfer chicks can actually be unattractive and no, I'm not saying that because of jealousy. Second, in their messages was nothing flirty or suspicious at all, plus I go to the same place with him and some friends all the time, chances are she has seen me couple of times with him before. Third, I don't think he deleted any messages with her because their conversation made complete sense, like you would notice if something was deleted. Plus, he doesn't know I checked his phone, why would he even delete messages. I also text with guys my husband doesn't know, sometimes old friends or I also messaged with that surf guy a while ago who wanted to tell me good spots to surf in Brazil. Does that mean I cheated? No. I really don't think that is it.

[edel]

It made me sick to read your story because it reminds me of the day I found out my then-fiance had had sex with someone else after we had a fight. He could not handle the fight or something, later said he felt bad about himself, so he went to a bar and had a few drinks, and let some girl pick him up, had sex with her in the parking lot, and contracted STDs from her!

 

The day he told me, it took HOURS for him to tell me. I knew something was wrong so I kept trying to talk to him, get him to tell me ANYTHING, but he just wouldn't.

 

I do not know what this person you are married to is hiding but he is hiding something. My advice is: NO MATTER WHAT, do not have sex with this person and if you must, make sure he uses a condom! Do not allow yourself to have make-up sex with him unprotected!

 

Be strong. Rally your girlfriends around you. Prepare to hear bad news, and make a plan for your life for at least the next month. Don't worry too much about the future; just focus on getting YOUR needs met. I just love how this guy has no problem turning your world completely upside down in the blink of an eye! (sarcasm)

 

I don't think he had sex with anyone when I left, because I basically knew all the time where he was and what he was doing. I'm not defending him, I mean I'm saying clearly that I do NOT want to get back with him, under any circumstances. Him just breaking up is a thing I cannot forgive. But I think I know him quite well in that point. And god hell no, I would never have sex with him now, believe me. We're sleeping in separate bedrooms as well.

[edel]

I confronted him again yesterday. I told him to tell to my face that he wants a divorce. He looked at me and said 'I don't think we can go on like this'. I straight out told him that I'm going to move out. Then he looked at me completely shocked, didn't say anything for like a minute, then sat down next to me on the bed. He stared against the wall for a long time, then he said 'I don't want to be the worst thing that has ever happened to you' (I told him that he was over WhatsApp after he broke up with me on WhatsApp). I told him he should take responsibility for his own actions, and that he didn't need to be the worst thing that happened to me, that this are all his own decisions. He then stared again against the wall for minutes, then said 'I think we're just too different at many points. Like we fight about small stuff, and both of us have different approaches on how to solve fights'. I told him that this is a common problem in relationship and that it's a thing you can work on, but then he didn't answer. He then said he doesn't think he can ever change and we might always have those problems (which I still, seriously, see as big problems but I guess he just thinks differently). He says he's too scared of hurting me in the future and that he wants me to be happy. That it is probably better this way. I didn't say anything at this point. Then he left to the other room.