Husband broke up out of the blue - Over a text message

[kidm]

I confronted him again yesterday. I told him to tell to my face that he wants a divorce. He looked at me and said 'I don't think we can go on like this'. I straight out told him that I'm going to move out. Then he looked at me completely shocked, didn't say anything for like a minute, then sat down next to me on the bed. He stared against the wall for a long time, then he said 'I don't want to be the worst thing that has ever happened to you' (I told him that he was over WhatsApp after he broke up with me on WhatsApp). I told him he should take responsibility for his own actions, and that he didn't need to be the worst thing that happened to me, that this are all his own decisions. He then stared again against the wall for minutes, then said 'I think we're just too different at many points. Like we fight about small stuff, and both of us have different approaches on how to solve fights'. I told him that this is a common problem in relationship and that it's a thing you can work on, but then he didn't answer. He then said he doesn't think he can ever change and we might always have those problems (which I still, seriously, see as big problems but I guess he just thinks differently). He says he's too scared of hurting me in the future and that he wants me to be happy. That it is probably better this way. I didn't say anything at this point. Then he left to the other room.

 

So you were together for 4 years and you two never fought? You would think after all those years you two would have learned how each of you fights and your approach to resolve issues. Is this a new problem that only surfaced after you got married? Have you considered counseling? Seems like a poor excuse to hang his hat on for a divorce after only a few months of marriage. I suspect there is more. I know you have swore up and down this thread that you are almost certain there is no other woman in the picture but I don't think you should be as dismissive. Unless you two are joined at the hip (literally), you really have no clue. My sister had the same convictions about her ex husband-- he could never cheat, we do everything together, I know his schedule, hang out with the same friends, he works long hours in the emergency room, he has no time to cheat, I have access to his phone and email, etc. etc. Guess what? The f**ker found a way. Come to find out, he was boinking a girl he met on a trail during one of his morning runs. Never say never. He also abruptly wanted to end marriage of 2 years after what she thought was a silly argument and words were exchanged. He would not budge, claimed they both deserved to be happy and he didn't think things would change, and then the truth came out.

Edited February 8, 2016 by kidm

[edel]

Wow Edel,

You are the first person I've read about who handles a recent breakup like that. Most people want to fix things and reconcile.

Are you already over him?

 

One more thing, sometimes out of frustration people say stupid things, even saying that they want a breakup.

I DID THAT !!! My ex boyfriend was very immature and sometimes disrespectful and one day I had it. I wanted to shake him up with it and make him realize that I'm a catch (i guess i was immature too:) )...

 

Do you think that there is a chance that this happened?

Also, you said that he wasn't really good at problem solving when fight occured. He shut down. Do you think that he had an abusive upringing, verbally abusive, he was yelled at a lot maybe?? Guys are introvert about feelings, America is very macho centric, guys don't want to seem like a pu..y.

Do you know Bill Burr the comedian? Watch him on netflix, he talks about this problem too, plus extremely funny !!!

 

You know this is the time to talk to him while you guys are still under the the same roof, even if he doesn't talk to you, you can still talk to him. So take advantage of this and talk to him.

 

Maybe ask him about stuff that you heard from all of us, make a list so you won't forget about things.

This way you won't have regrets, it's the worst, that kills me.

Tell him also, that couples fight because they think differently and it is completely normal. How they resolve the issues is the important part. Tell him to embrace these disagreements this is part of getting to know each other, there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Mightycpa said something about him ignoring you since the first night of your trip. I agree, it is strange. He might have had a one night stand out of spite and it's a major conflict for him, cannot undo it, feels guilty, breaks up with you (he regrets this now) and cannot tell you because he doesn't want to fight. He hates to fight.

 

I am very forgiving, when someone is truly sorry about something, but that's just me. People are not perfect, neither am I and we do stupid stuff all the time.

 

 

 

No, of course I'm not over him, I love him so much. It hurts every time I see him and I'm crying every day. I really cannot imagine my life without him. If he really just broke up without meaning it, he could have said that the next day. I sat him down twice, both times he could have told me 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I wrote' but he didn't. Instead, he didn't say anything. He let me talk and talk, and didn't answer. Does this sound like a man to you who really wants to be with me? I think it does not. I think I have told him a lot of things, and I don't know what else to say. I have told him that it is normal that people fight, but he has no answer to this. He grew up in a picture perfect family, I'm very close to his Mom and they're just wonderful, I doubt that she ever yelled at him.

[edel]

So you were together for 4 years and you two never fought? You would think after all those years you two would have learned how each of you fights and your approach to resolve issues. Is this a new problem that only surfaced after you got married? Have you considered counseling? Seems like a poor excuse to hang his hat on for a divorce after only a few months of marriage. I suspect there is more. I know you have swore up and down this thread that you are almost certain there is no other woman in the picture but I don't think you should be as dismissive. Unless you two are joined at the hip (literally), you really have no clue. My sister had the same convictions about her ex husband-- he could never cheat, we do everything together, I know his schedule, hang out with the same friends, he works long hours in the emergency room, he has no time to cheat, I have access to his phone and email, etc. etc. Guess what? The f**ker found a way. Come to find out, he was boinking a girl he met on a trail during one of his morning runs. Never say never. He also abruptly wanted to end marriage of 2 years after what she thought was a silly argument and words were exchanged. He would not budge, claimed they both deserved to be happy and he didn't think things would change, and then the truth came out.

 

 

Yes, of course we fought. But not more than any other normal couple. In fact I've never had so few fights with anyone, compared to my ex-relationships. Our fights often went like this- There is a problem, I talk and talk, sometimes get emotional and cry and he completely shuts down and doesn't say a word. We've always had that problem and I never liked it, but I always kind of accepted it. I always thought that's just the way he is, and that doesn't affect the general happiness of my relationship. I was very happy, and those moments were just moments. I've once suggested to go to a counselor because of those communication issues but he said he would never go to one and that we don't need that.

 

And about the cheating, I already said, never say never. I would never say it's absolutely impossible, but I still highly doubt it, especially after going through his messages.

[elaine567]

Instead, he's now sitting in the living room, doing a language course in my native language online

 

Could this be a cultural problem?

"'I think we're just too different at many points."

He is finding it difficult to relate to you, because he feels there is a basic cultural divide maybe?

Just a thought.

[edel]

Could this be a cultural problem?

"'I think we're just too different at many points."

He is finding it difficult to relate to you, because he feels there is a basic cultural divide maybe?

Just a thought.

 

 

Partly it could be. Men from his country are pretty spoiled by their Moms, and not used to be with independent women who actually don't say 'Yes you're right' to everything. It sounds like a stereotype, but many women from his country are like that.

 

We're so similar in other points though. We have the same interests, we love the same kind of food, music and movies, we both don't like going to clubs, we love the nature, we have the same kind of humor, we love to travel, and the list goes on and on. I also thought we had similar expectations of the future, but now it seems like we don't. I always hoped to be in a relationship where I can feel completely safe, like I can be myself and we can go through bad times and I don't have to worry that we would break up because that man loves me so much he would always stick to me and try to work things out. I thought that of him too, until a few days ago. Even if we got back together now (which we won't) I probably could never feel safe with him anymore.

[salparadise]

I get the impression that this relationship is more tumultuous than you're saying because he seemed to feel more at peace while you were gone. This is not normal. There seems to be some missing info here. I'm not excusing what he did but there seems to be a real disconnect.

 

In fact I've never had so few fights with anyone, compared to my ex-relationships. Our fights often went like this- There is a problem, I talk and talk, sometimes get emotional and cry and he completely shuts down and doesn't say a word. We've always had that problem and I never liked it, but I always kind of accepted it. I always thought that's just the way he is, and that doesn't affect the general happiness of my relationship.

 

Reading between the line a bit it seems that you are prone to emotional conflict and he is conflict averse... you see it as just a normal, happy relationship but he sees frequent fighting and emotionality as a deal breaker. He wants to live in peace and now believes that can't be in this relationship.

 

I spotted it from the first post when you said that you left while in the midst of a fight as if it was no big deal. A pretty common piece of advice for happy relationships is never go to bed angry. Yet you seem to think it's just normal and to be comfortable with a fight extending through a week-long absence with no real effort to resolve it and get back on track. Meanwhile, he was home suffering from the fallout and your cavalier attitude. He seemed to have reached a tipping point.

 

What was the fight about, and what does a fight like this entail in terms of communication and attitude? What do you say when you're emotional?

[salparadise]

PI always hoped to be in a relationship where I can feel completely safe, like I can be myself and we can go through bad times and I don't have to worry that we would break up because that man loves me so much he would always stick to me and try to work things out.

 

Romantic relationships are not unconditional. People have different thresholds, but unconditional is pretty much the stuff of fairy tales. Both people have to be getting their needs met- understand what those needs are and making a conscious effort to meet them is part of the deal.

 

I am guessing that the conflict undermined his need for appreciation, and you weren't aware of it either because he's not good at communicating or you weren't hearing him. Every couple has disagreements and differences of opinion, but there is huge disparity in how effectively things get resolved and it usually comes down to communication.

[edel]

 

I spotted it from the first post when you said that you left while in the midst of a fight as if it was no big deal. A pretty common piece of advice for happy relationships is never go to bed angry. Yet you seem to think it's just normal and to be comfortable with a fight extending through a week-long absence with no real effort to resolve it and get back on track. Meanwhile, he was home suffering from the fallout and your cavalier attitude. He seemed to have reached a tipping point.

 

What was the fight about, and what does a fight like this entail in terms of communication and attitude? What do you say when you're emotional?

 

 

 

I did not leave in the middle of a fight. We talked, but didn't seem to be able to make up just yet, and I had plane tickets and a hotel booked for over a 1000$, obviously I wouldn't say 'Ok we're having a fight so I'm canceling everything and lose all my money'. I never would have expected this from him either if roles were reversed. When I left I calmly told him that we talk about this when I'm back, and he seemed to be okay with it. Then he didn't contact me for two days, then I called him. I don't think I did anything wrong.

 

The fight was about when we would have a get-together for our families who live in different countries. Not everyone was able to come to our wedding, so we wanted to organize something afterwards. He kept postponing it and I wanted to plan, so we had a fight. In our entire relationship I have never said bad words to him, ever, and I also have never said anything I would regret. I'm quite calm in fights, I don't scream, but I talk a lot and depending on the situation I sometimes cry. He mostly doesn't say anything. Sometimes he brings up something that was two years or so ago, and when I tell him that it's not okay to bring up stuff we already resolved in the past (and were often really pointless. Like once he brought up a fight we had over two years ago over the household) he says I'm right. I give him plenty of opportunity to talk, give him time to think and cool off, but mostly I don't get any word from him. In our entire relationship he has never apologized for anything, which I didn't like, but also accepted because I thought that is just the way he is.

[mightycpa]

I did not leave in the middle of a fight. We talked, but didn't seem to be able to make up just yet, and I had plane tickets and a hotel booked for over a 1000$, obviously I wouldn't say 'Ok we're having a fight so I'm canceling everything and lose all my money'. I never would have expected this from him either if roles were reversed. When I left I calmly told him that we talk about this when I'm back, and he seemed to be okay with it. Then he didn't contact me for two days, then I called him. I don't think I did anything wrong.

 

The fight was about when we would have a get-together for our families who live in different countries. Not everyone was able to come to our wedding, so we wanted to organize something afterwards. He kept postponing it and I wanted to plan, so we had a fight. In our entire relationship I have never said bad words to him, ever, and I also have never said anything I would regret. I'm quite calm in fights, I don't scream, but I talk a lot and depending on the situation I sometimes cry. He mostly doesn't say anything. Sometimes he brings up something that was two years or so ago, and when I tell him that it's not okay to bring up stuff we already resolved in the past (and were often really pointless. Like once he brought up a fight we had over two years ago over the household) he says I'm right. I give him plenty of opportunity to talk, give him time to think and cool off, but mostly I don't get any word from him. In our entire relationship he has never apologized for anything, which I didn't like, but also accepted because I thought that is just the way he is.

It's pretty interesting how a discussion over the dates of a future event could devolve into fighting and crying with a guy who doesn't say much of anything.

 

It sounds like one of you is intellectual and one of you is emotional. Maybe he feels like you're shutting him down with your "talk a lot". Or maybe, when it all boils down to it, you married an emotionally inept person who shuns any kind of conflict.

 

I agree with a previous poster who wondered how this could be a surprise to you.

[elaine567]

In our entire relationship he has never apologized for anything, which I didn't like, but also accepted because I thought that is just the way he is.

 

That is NEVER a good sign.

[edel]

It's pretty interesting how a discussion over the dates of a future event could devolve into fighting and crying with a guy who doesn't say much of anything.

 

It sounds like one of you is intellectual and one of you is emotional. Maybe he feels like you're shutting him down with your "talk a lot". Or maybe, when it all boils down to it, you married an emotionally inept person who shuns any kind of conflict.

 

I agree with a previous poster who wondered how this could be a surprise to you.

 

 

I didn't cry that time. I sometimes cry when we have a fight, but that time I did not. I don't think I'm shutting him down. I always give him plenty of time to think, cool down and ask him what HE thinks, but he never really opens up. I always thought we can handle this and I never saw it as a big deal since we don't fight much, but I guess I was wrong.

[edel]

That is NEVER a good sign.

 

 

I guess. I guess I kinda thought him never apologizing for anything is just the way he is. I thought he's maybe too proud to admit that he's wrong, even though he knows he is, so I accepted that. I've also heard many men are quite stubborn when it comes to admitting things and apologies, so I guess I thought I just have to deal with that.

[bathtub-row]

I think I can see what's going on. I have a very low tolerance for continual conflict in a relationship myself. I grew up in a very mild home as a child and conflict really grinds on me. For him, there's just too much conflict and he's actually right that the two of you are not well matched. What may seem normal to you is probably extremely abnormal to him.

 

I'm really sorry this has happened but it's not likely that things will work out in this situation.

[edel]

I think I can see what's going on. I have a very low tolerance for continual conflict in a relationship myself. I grew up in a very mild home as a child and conflict really grinds on me. For him, there's just too much conflict and he's actually right that the two of you are not well matched. What may seem normal to you is probably extremely abnormal to him.

 

I'm really sorry this has happened but it's not likely that things will work out in this situation.

 

But this doesn't make sense. We really aren't fighting much. When he said we're fighting too much I asked him to explain, he couldn't. I asked him to tell me what fights bothered him the most. The only two fights he could apparently remember were one that happened over two years ago and one around 7 months ago. We fight once every couple of months, and when I told him this and gave him examples, he agreed with me, said that we don't fight much. I don't know if he just agreed so I would stop talking, but I honestly don't think that one fight every couple of months is abnormal.

 

Oh, and believe me, I don't want to work things out. He broke up with me over WhatsApp out of the blue, after still talking about the future two weeks ago, and then didn't even have the balls to say it to my face. It really hurts, but I don't want to get back.

[bathtub-row]

Well what I mean about conflict is that it may not be a real argument but continual grinding. I'm from the south and when I've been with guys from the north, I'm astounded by the level of arguing and conflict and general bickering that goes on - with them and within their families. I've noticed it with guys I've been involved with and with others in the same situation. There's a definite pattern. People from the north say what is, to me, some really vile things to one another but they seem to think it's an every day thing.

 

That's why your initial comment about the fight caught my attention. I disagree with the way your H handles an argument but severe contrasts in what each of you see as extreme conflict will cause real problems.

[Itspointless]

I do think he feels like we cannot solve our fights. I mean at least he said that once a while ago, I mean not that we cannot solve them, but that he thinks we're fighting too much. When we have a fight, I wanna talk about it, talk it out and then make up, while he completely shuts down and doesn't talk at all, even goes to another room. Sometimes he wouldn't talk to me for a few days. Never thought this was healthy and always tried to make him talk to me, but always failed.

I am surprised that it took more than two pages before conflict avoidance was mentioned! I would like to add that it probably also got to do with attachment-style as he sounds on the dismissive side of the spectrum.

I don't think he felt suffocated, but who knows. I mean it was HIM who wanted to spend so much time together. I'm a person who very much needs her friends, so if I don't see my friends at least once a week or so I'm not that happy. He on the other hand doesn't seem to have that need for hanging out with friends, I mean he has friends and he hangs out with them, but he usually asks me if I wanna come (well, all of his friends are usually bringing their wives along as well). He comes home after work and suggests that we do stuff. If he had told me he's going for beer with a friend (which happened sometimes, but almost never) I wouldn't have minded.

He seems to be introverted. Most introverted people really do not like to fight and are more inwards orientated, while you seem to be more extroverted and direct.

 

You might want to read about adult attachment theory. My guess is that his behavior is introversion coupled with a more dismissive style of attachment.

[edel]

Thanks. I feel like fights once in a while and communication issues (also once in a while) are normal, I literally don't have even one female friends who doesn't report similar problems in her relationship. His Mom and I talked about our problems once (yes, I know that sounds weird, but we're so close she's like a second mother to me) and she said she has the same problems with her husband, his father. That he changes his mood really quickly, never apologizes and is incredibly difficult to talk to when there is a problem. She says it's extremely frustrating and just tries to accept it.

 

Even though I never saw it as a big deal I have tried to solve it. I talked a lot, I gave him time to cool down or to think about it, I asked him things, I even suggested to go to a counselor. I didn't get anything from him. That shows me that he didn't even want to work on anything, even though to him it was apparently a huge problem.

[Itspointless]

Thanks. I feel like fights once in a while and communication issues (also once in a while) are normal, I literally don't have even one female friends who doesn't report similar problems in her relationship. His Mom and I talked about our problems once (yes, I know that sounds weird, but we're so close she's like a second mother to me) and she said she has the same problems with her husband, his father. That he changes his mood really quickly, never apologizes and is incredibly difficult to talk to when there is a problem. She says it's extremely frustrating and just tries to accept it.

 

Even though I never saw it as a big deal I have tried to solve it. I talked a lot, I gave him time to cool down or to think about it, I asked him things, I even suggested to go to a counselor. I didn't get anything from him. That shows me that he didn't even want to work on anything, even though to him it was apparently a huge problem.

It does not surprise me that you write that one of his parents does the same. But given those facts he probably does not see it as a problem himself. The problem is that when he distances you try to come closer and that is what makes him distance even more. It is very frustrating when you are on the receiving end.

 

Does his mother know about these recent events? I have the feeling he will resent you for it if he knows, but you might want to talk with her about it.

[edel]

Does his mother know about these recent events? I have the feeling he will resent you for it if he knows, but you might want to talk with her about it.

 

 

No, he doesn't know. His Mom and him never talk about that kind of stuff, literally. He never shares anything with anyone, not his parents or his best friends. His Mom also doesn't ask him stuff like that. But he knows that his Mom and I are very close, so maybe he thinks that I've talked to her, I dunno. And yes I have told her what happened, but only via WhatsApp (she lives in another city) and she said how sorry she is and that she doesn't understand what's going on in his head and that he never tells her anything and that she hopes we can work it out.

[Kevin_D]

Lack of Object Constancy - An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision.

Lack of Object Constancy ? Out of the FOG

 

His last memory of you was a bad one. Then you went on a trip, which made him feel abondened. He is the victim, and he has too leave you before you leave him.

 

I don't suspect there's another woman involved. I would say that he's protecting himself from pain by running away. There's definitely a conflict going on inside him.

 

Think about it... He had a lot of time to think about this breakup. If this was something he had planned, wouldn't he have found a place to stay? It seems quite desperate... He dumps you... and goes to his room.

 

I'd say his hurting pretty badly. He doesn't want counselling, he wants to feel like man. But he's acting like a child right now and he knows it.

 

I will get alot of **** for writing this, but... I think there's a good chance that you could work this out. Seriously.

[Itspointless]

No, he doesn't know. His Mom and him never talk about that kind of stuff, literally. He never shares anything with anyone, not his parents or his best friends. His Mom also doesn't ask him stuff like that. But he knows that his Mom and I are very close, so maybe he thinks that I've talked to her, I dunno. And yes I have told her what happened, but only via WhatsApp (she lives in another city) and she said how sorry she is and that she doesn't understand what's going on in his head and that he never tells her anything and that she hopes we can work it out.

OK, I think it is good you tried talking to her. I hoped she perhaps could give you some tips, unfortunately she is not of much help than. Sorry about that

 

I get the feeling that this closed-up man is also who he is. If you can life with someone who closes up for a while and distances himself once in a while before he comes back, than perhaps this situation might lead to something. I have the feeling that he won't change much of his behavior, especially when I add the cultural aspects to the mix.

 

I really feel for you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Edel, you really sound like you are going to be okay.

 

You sound like one of the more resilient ones.

[edel]

OK, I think it is good you tried talking to her. I hoped she perhaps could give you some tips, unfortunately she is not of much help than. Sorry about that

 

I get the feeling that this closed-up man is also who he is. If you can life with someone who closes up for a while and distances himself once in a while before he comes back, than perhaps this situation might lead to something. I have the feeling that he won't change much of his behavior, especially when I add the cultural aspects to the mix.

 

I really feel for you.

 

 

Thanks. I would be able to live with a man who needs time to calm down and distances himself for a while, IF he could explain his own behavior so I can understand it better and IF I knew he just needs this and I won't have to worry every time that he is reconsidering the relationship. That's actually the point, you don't have to change who you are, just how you communicate. And if this behavior is normal for you fine, but tell me and talk about it so we can be fine. Instead, he just breaks up.

[edel]

Lack of Object Constancy - An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision.

Lack of Object Constancy ? Out of the FOG

 

His last memory of you was a bad one. Then you went on a trip, which made him feel abondened. He is the victim, and he has too leave you before you leave him.

 

I don't suspect there's another woman involved. I would say that he's protecting himself from pain by running away. There's definitely a conflict going on inside him.

 

Think about it... He had a lot of time to think about this breakup. If this was something he had planned, wouldn't he have found a place to stay? It seems quite desperate... He dumps you... and goes to his room.

 

I'd say his hurting pretty badly. He doesn't want counselling, he wants to feel like man. But he's acting like a child right now and he knows it.

 

I will get alot of **** for writing this, but... I think there's a good chance that you could work this out. Seriously.

 

Thanks. When I left I didn't really feel like I'm abandoning him, since this trip had been planned for quite a while, and he didn't seem pissed or anything about it. I even thought maybe it's better I'm leaving so he has some alone time to calm down and think. But maybe you're right, maybe me going away made him feel like I'm running away. That's also the weird thing. If you want a break up, you plan it, find a place to stay, and tell the person to the face. Instead, just two weeks ago he still talked about our future plans and everything seemed fine, he is shocked when I say I want to move out and hasn't asked me even one time what I want to do with the apartment we bought. Sometimes I'm not sure if he really wanted to break up, but since I didn't beg him to stay with me it seems final. He also didn't make any step in my direction. I guess we could have worked it out if he just met me halfway at least, but all he gives me is silence. It's just so hard to understand.

[Been]

I'm really sorry he did that to you.

But to be honest he seems like a boy and not a man.

And he probably doesn't really have a valid reason.

I can't believe he texted you he wanted to break up

You would think that he would wait to do that face to face.

I think he's one of those people that just do whatever they want-they are only about themselves so they go around burning bridges and not caring or looking back.

I wouldn't take him back even if he changed his mine-he's way too up and down and the threat of that occurring again would always be looming in the background every time thier was a disagreement. You would have to walk on egg shells all the time.