Husband broke up out of the blue - Over a text message

[cja]

I get you. Six years is so much time and this must have been hard years, and hard to recover from. I feel you. Apparently they're allowed to hurt us, and they want us to be sad about it. Not okay. Maybe I was smiling because I was reading something on my computer, but I didn't even realize it. And I don't get the problem. I haven't seen him cry EVER, not even once in four years, and right now I hear him talk on the phone to a friend and he doesn't sound sad. So now I should complain too?

 

Look up "gaslighting" and "crazy making"

[WomenWubber]

Did I mention that today he walked by the room and stopped to say 'Why are you smiling?' That was the only thing he has said to me all day. I looked at him and said 'What? I'm not smiling' because I really wasn't, at least not consciencely. In that moment I was just reading stuff on my computer. He said 'Yes, you're smiling' in a really pissed voice, like if I did something bad. I told him again I'm not smiling and he gave me a bad look, then went away.

 

WTF? What was that? Does he WANT me to suffer after the breakup? A smile would be the worst thing ever?

 

Early stages of abuse, I think.

 

You're making it difficult for him to avoid the problems he has generated, so now he's switching to aggression. When he told he doesn't want to hurt you... I think you should take that as a warning.

[Itspointless]

I'm also European. Where are you from? YES it's damn late over there haha

I am Dutch. Already had the idea your are European considering your name here.

Look up "gaslighting" and "crazy making"

It is in line of the deactivating strategies that are often mentioned by researchers on attachment used by dismissive-avoidant people to keep a distance and control the situation.

Edited February 10, 2016 by Itspointless

[edel]

I am Dutch. Already had the idea your are European considering your name here.

 

Well we're neighbors then

 

 

Today is my birthday and he hasn't even said congratulations yet, nothing. He left to work before I woke up and won't come back before the later afternoon, but I kinda thought he would call or text anyway, but nothing.

[Itspointless]

Well we're neighbors then

I am guessing from the eastern side.

Today is my birthday and he hasn't even said congratulations yet, nothing. He left to work before I woke up and won't come back before the later afternoon, but I kinda thought he would call or text anyway, but nothing.

He is a fool. His behavior almost seems a bit autistic.

[Zapbasket]

Well we're neighbors then

 

 

Today is my birthday and he hasn't even said congratulations yet, nothing. He left to work before I woke up and won't come back before the later afternoon, but I kinda thought he would call or text anyway, but nothing.

 

First of all, happy birthday. I hope you are able to get out of the house with friends and take your mind off of this for a few hours.

 

Second, I just want to say I think this is the most f'ed up thing I've read on here in a long time. You sound amazing; your husband sounds disturbed and like a good riddance. Seriously, his way of handling this is utterly incommensurate with being a functional adult. If this is truly how he is, there probably were signs of it throughout your relationship beyond just stuffing his feelings, and your relationship would not have lasted the distance no matter what, anyway. I'm glad you feel strongly that the trust is so broken after how he has acted that you'd never consider taking him back, because it would be a mistake to take him back.

 

He has told you the truth about himself: he knows he has serious limitations, and he doesn't want to work on himself. Even if it means losing you.

 

So, let him lose you. You are young, and sound lovely and grounded and there WILL be better for you out there than this rotting stump of a human being. I am rooting for you to get out of this apartment for good so that you no longer have to be subjected to this, truly, inhumane treatment.

 

I know some say you should feel empathy for people like your STBXH, but I don't. They are the way they are not just because of their early development and life experiences; they also have CHOSEN to remain this way even as they can see how it hurts the very people they claim to love. Thus their "love" is not love; they know that, too; and they still don't want to change. Why should anyone waste their empathetic energies on someone like that???

[Itspointless]

How was with your friends?

[edel]

First of all, happy birthday. I hope you are able to get out of the house with friends and take your mind off of this for a few hours.

 

Second, I just want to say I think this is the most f'ed up thing I've read on here in a long time. You sound amazing; your husband sounds disturbed and like a good riddance. Seriously, his way of handling this is utterly incommensurate with being a functional adult. If this is truly how he is, there probably were signs of it throughout your relationship beyond just stuffing his feelings, and your relationship would not have lasted the distance no matter what, anyway. I'm glad you feel strongly that the trust is so broken after how he has acted that you'd never consider taking him back, because it would be a mistake to take him back.

 

He has told you the truth about himself: he knows he has serious limitations, and he doesn't want to work on himself. Even if it means losing you.

 

So, let him lose you. You are young, and sound lovely and grounded and there WILL be better for you out there than this rotting stump of a human being. I am rooting for you to get out of this apartment for good so that you no longer have to be subjected to this, truly, inhumane treatment.

 

I know some say you should feel empathy for people like your STBXH, but I don't. They are the way they are not just because of their early development and life experiences; they also have CHOSEN to remain this way even as they can see how it hurts the very people they claim to love. Thus their "love" is not love; they know that, too; and they still don't want to change. Why should anyone waste their empathetic energies on someone like that???

 

 

Thank you! His excuse basically is that he cannot change, so I guess it's easy for him. It seems like he WANTS to see me sad and cry, because when I did, he ignores me completely. When I apparently smiled, he got pissed. I don't understand how he can be like this. Not only does he break up with me like that, now he ignores me completely and doesn't even wish me a happy birthday. If I ever broke up with someone like that I wouldn't stop apologizing, and I would try to be nice and at least wish a happy birthday. Maybe this is a defense mechanism of myself, but I start seeing him differenty, as a human being that doesn't have any heart and only cares about himself. Like a guy I don't even know. But it still hurts, a lot. You think you know someone and then you don't.

[edel]

How was with your friends?

 

 

Haven't seen them yet, instead I was at the dentist this morning, great birthday I'm gonna have dinner and drinks with a few friends later. His Mom actually called me today to wish me a happy birthday and asked me how him and I are doing, if we already made up. I told her that he broke up and really seems that he doesn't want to be with me, and she was so surprised, he hasn't told her anything, as usual, even though he talks to her every single day.

[Itspointless]

Haven't seen them yet, instead I was at the dentist this morning, great birthday I'm gonna have dinner and drinks with a few friends later. His Mom actually called me today to wish me a happy birthday and asked me how him and I are doing, if we already made up. I told her that he broke up and really seems that he doesn't want to be with me, and she was so surprised, he hasn't told her anything, as usual, even though he talks to her every single day.

Well if you believe it or not I have been at the dentist today too!

 

I realized that it is of-course much earlier at your place. It is sweet of her that she called. It will give her also a lot to think about. I hope you will have some fun with them, you deserve it.

[edel]

Well if you believe it or not I have been at the dentist today too!

 

I realized that it is of-course much earlier at your place. It is sweet of her that she called. It will give her also a lot to think about. I hope you will have some fun with them, you deserve it.

 

 

So many coincidences haha!

 

My (ex-)husband finally called me to wish me a happy birthday, but it was already 5pm by then. He asked if I wanna go for dinner with him and his friend, but I declined. I much rather spend time with my friend than sitting next to him at the dinner table knowing what happened between us.

[Itspointless]

So many coincidences haha!

 

My (ex-)husband finally called me to wish me a happy birthday, but it was already 5pm by then. He asked if I wanna go for dinner with him and his friend, but I declined. I much rather spend time with my friend than sitting next to him at the dinner table knowing what happened between us.

Yeah (or more appropriate in this case with teeth )

 

Well that was about time. It might even be that his mother has spoken to him.

[S2B]

Haven't seen them yet, instead I was at the dentist this morning, great birthday I'm gonna have dinner and drinks with a few friends later. His Mom actually called me today to wish me a happy birthday and asked me how him and I are doing, if we already made up. I told her that he broke up and really seems that he doesn't want to be with me, and she was so surprised, he hasn't told her anything, as usual, even though he talks to her every single day.

 

It's very odd that you refer to this as a break up...you are married, yes?

 

And getting the divorce will be expensive - does he realize this is divorce?

 

It is just odd to me.

 

 

And I'm glad your birthday is going well! Glad you're being strong!

[edel]

It's very odd that you refer to this as a break up...you are married, yes?

 

And getting the divorce will be expensive - does he realize this is divorce?

 

It is just odd to me.

 

 

And I'm glad your birthday is going well! Glad you're being strong!

 

 

After him basically telling me that he is scared of commitment and that he doesn't want to be married I'm not sure what he thinks. Divorce won't be expensive because we have been married for such a short time, and I'm not interested in any of his stuff, and I don't think he is interested in any of mine.

[edel]

Just came back after having drinks with two friends.

 

I came back to the apartment and he's already asleep in the other room. I felt pretty good, until I entered our bedroom and he put a gift on the bed. A shirt and a hat. I couldn't help but start crying immediately. Not even sure why. I feel like I don't want his gifts. I feel like he shouldn't give me anything if he doesn't want to be with me. I feel like every time I look at those gifts I will just feel incredibly hurt and miss him even more.

[Itspointless]

I came back to the apartment and he's already asleep in the other room. I felt pretty good, until I entered our bedroom and he put a gift on the bed. A shirt and a hat. I couldn't help but start crying immediately. Not even sure why. I feel like I don't want his gifts. I feel like he shouldn't give me anything if he doesn't want to be with me. I feel like every time I look at those gifts I will just feel incredibly hurt and miss him even more.

Due to your situation you are in survival-mode, that is good, as it will help you move out Monday.

 

Sometimes when we are faced with a situation it helps when we can make the one who causes the pain some kind of devil or the enemy. Most of the time though we are faced with people who are a mix of good and bad traits, who aren't either just black or just white, he isn't either. But he has traits that make living with him very hard. His gift remembered you about who he also is and all the dreams that are connected with him. For now I think it is good that you cried a bit.

[edel]

He's such a douche. This morning he asked me what I wanna do with the apartment we bought. I told him that I want half of the money, since this is around what I paid (he probably paid a little bit more, but not much). He made a pissed face and laughed and said that this mist be a joke, that there is no way I paid half of the apartment. I said I did, I probably paid a bit less, but I also lost a lot of money due to currency (we bought the apartment in a Non-European country, and that currency has gone down a lot in value in the last 12 months, so I will lose a good part when I get it back to Euros). Plus, I've also paid stuff for the apartment, stuff I will just leave her, like the air condition, and other house hold stuff. And not to mention my visa and the flights. I cannot believe he really wants to fight over money.

[Zapbasket]

He's such a douche. This morning he asked me what I wanna do with the apartment we bought. I told him that I want half of the money, since this is around what I paid (he probably paid a little bit more, but not much). He made a pissed face and laughed and said that this mist be a joke, that there is no way I paid half of the apartment. I said I did, I probably paid a bit less, but I also lost a lot of money due to currency (we bought the apartment in a Non-European country, and that currency has gone down a lot in value in the last 12 months, so I will lose a good part when I get it back to Euros). Plus, I've also paid stuff for the apartment, stuff I will just leave her, like the air condition, and other house hold stuff. And not to mention my visa and the flights. I cannot believe he really wants to fight over money.

 

Produce all documentation of everything you have paid for, state your request one more time, retain a lawyer if you need to and let the lawyer duke it out with your ex. Far more important than any money is getting out of this marriage; your freedom and emotional well-being are worth far more than even whatever hundreds of thousands of dollars you have sunk into cohabitation with this vacant shell of a person. Stay focused on what is REALLY important: get away from this tool.

 

He is awful. Worse than awful. He has serious problems, to a frightening degree. Seriously, everything you say about him makes me feel :sick:

[edel]

Produce all documentation of everything you have paid for, state your request one more time, retain a lawyer if you need to and let the lawyer duke it out with your ex. Far more important than any money is getting out of this marriage; your freedom and emotional well-being are worth far more than even whatever hundreds of thousands of dollars you have sunk into cohabitation with this vacant shell of a person. Stay focused on what is REALLY important: get away from this tool.

 

He is awful. Worse than awful. He has serious problems, to a frightening degree. Seriously, everything you say about him makes me feel :sick:

 

 

Thank you. On Monday before I leave we go to sign the divorce papers, and maybe I'll make him sign an agreement about the money.

 

I just talked to his Mom again, who also doesn't understand why he broke up out of nowhere. She says it reminds her a lot of his father, who she's still married to, but she says he also broke up with her many(!) times during their marriage. She always stayed and didn't move out, so he always came back. I honestly don't know how she did this, I couldn't have. And it's sad but it also makes me feel a bit better- Even if I stayed with him now and he would beg me to stay, it most likely wouldn't be the last time of him breaking up. Probably he would break up again, and not just once, maybe in a few months, or a year, or in three years. This is too painful.

[S2B]

Make sure the divorce documents show that he pays you half the value of the house (or the money he owes you). Get it in writing.

 

Sorry he's being such a jerk.

[tuxedo cat]

Your husband sounds brutal. I'm so sorry. His actions made no sense to me until I read he was from another culture, because his behavior breaks so many Western social norms, and even then it's hard to fathom. What part of the world is he from if you don't mind sharing? If anything take it as a slight consolation that he's being so vicious; it will make it easier for you ultimately to detach from him. The worst break ups are those where you feel that you've pushed someone amazing away.

Edited February 14, 2016 by tuxedo cat

[edel]

Your husband sounds brutal. I'm so sorry. His actions made no sense to me until I read he was from another culture, because his behavior breaks so many Western social norms, and even then it's hard to fathom. What part of the world is he from if you don't mind sharing? If anything take it as a slight consolation that he's being so vicious; it will make it easier for you ultimately to detach from him. The worst break ups are those where you feel that you've pushed someone amazing away.

 

He's from Latin America. But it's not just a cultural difference, I've been living in his country for four years and I know other men and people in relationships, never seen anything like that before. His mom justifies his behavior and the behavior of her husband/his dad (they also fight a lot and in the past he broke up with her many times but she always stayed) just with 'That's just how men are'. I guess he was never taught how to behave and what's a no go.

[Itspointless]

I guess he was never taught how to behave and what's a no go.

I guess it is a mix of that and having been very disappointed himself, due to having a emotionally distant father when he was very little: its much safer than to hold people at a distance. Still that shouldn't be a reason to talk his behavior right. He should work on himself, if not for him than for other (future) victims of his behavior.

 

Good luck tomorrow edel.

[edel]

I guess it is a mix of that and having been very disappointed himself, due to having a emotionally distant father when he was very little: its much safer than to hold people at a distance. Still that shouldn't be a reason to talk his behavior right. He should work on himself, if not for him than for other (future) victims of his behavior.

 

Good luck tomorrow edel.

 

 

Thank you. I've been feeling okay these past days, I've been trying to avoid him as much as possible and do a lot of other stuff (meet friends, work etc.). Hope after I move out I will continue being okay. I'll update.

[ilovemefirst]

My ex did the same thing to me. We weren't married but we did live together. Things got heated when he was moving out and he said some pretty hurtful things. I let him take whatever it is he wanted, i just wanted peace. Fast forward to a year later, he sent me a message ( he waited that long bc he is stubborn), saying that karma got him and basically was treated the same way he treated me by his ex. I never gave him another chance.