Husband broke up out of the blue - Over a text message

[Been]

I'm really sorry he did that to you.

But to be honest he seems like a boy and not a man.

And he probably doesn't really have a valid reason.

I can't believe he texted you he wanted to break up

You would think that he would wait to do that face to face.

I think he's one of those people that just do whatever they want-they are only about themselves so they go around burning bridges and not caring or looking back.

I wouldn't take him back even if he changed his mine-he's way too up and down and the threat of that occurring again would always be looming in the background every time thier was a disagreement. You would have to walk on egg shells all the time.

[Itspointless]

Thanks. I would be able to live with a man who needs time to calm down and distances himself for a while, IF he could explain his own behavior so I can understand it better and IF I knew he just needs this and I won't have to worry every time that he is reconsidering the relationship. That's actually the point, you don't have to change who you are, just how you communicate. And if this behavior is normal for you fine, but tell me and talk about it so we can be fine. Instead, he just breaks up.

Well with many people who are avoidant attached this is kind of the pattern. Where you find safety and comfort in reaching out with them it is the opposite. The not knowing part and this way of communication goes kind of with the deal, as giving that promise and communicating openly can be felt like a prison itself. I would not be surprised if he unconsciously used the fight as an argument to get out of the feeling of being trapped, a feeling he probably got since the wedding. He though he wanted this, until he felt suffocated. Which has nothing to do with you! Well like I said you might want to read up on dismissive-avoidant attachment. It might give you some answers.

[edel]

Well with many people who are avoidant attached this is kind of the pattern. Where you find safety and comfort in reaching out with them it is the opposite. The not knowing part and this way of communication goes kind of with the deal, as giving that promise and communicating openly can be felt like a prison itself. I would not be surprised if he unconsciously used the fight as an argument to get out of the feeling of being trapped, a feeling he probably got since the wedding. He though he wanted this, until he felt suffocated. Which has nothing to do with you! Well like I said you might want to read up on dismissive-avoidant attachment. It might give you some answers.

 

 

I just read an article on the dismissive-avoidant personality. Oh my god, seriously, this is EXACTLY him! They describe a lot of situations and points and this is really him. Thanks for this, I mean it doesn't make my situation better I guess but it's very interesting to read about this.

[13Hearts]

I don't think he didn't feel appreciated. I think I was a pretty good wife. Always telling him how amazing he is, hugging and kissing him, baking him cakes, making him dinner, buying him amazing stuff for his bday etc. I don't scream or anything when we have fights, but I do think he feels like we cannot solve our fights. I mean at least he said that once a while ago, I mean not that we cannot solve them, but that he thinks we're fighting too much. When we have a fight, I wanna talk about it, talk it out and then make up, while he completely shuts down and doesn't talk at all, even goes to another room. Sometimes he wouldn't talk to me for a few days. Never thought this was healthy and always tried to make him talk to me, but always failed. I really felt helpless sometimes and didn't know what to do.

 

I don't think he felt suffocated, but who knows. I mean it was HIM who wanted to spend so much time together. I'm a person who very much needs her friends, so if I don't see my friends at least once a week or so I'm not that happy. He on the other hand doesn't seem to have that need for hanging out with friends, I mean he has friends and he hangs out with them, but he usually asks me if I wanna come (well, all of his friends are usually bringing their wives along as well). He comes home after work and suggests that we do stuff. If he had told me he's going for beer with a friend (which happened sometimes, but almost never) I wouldn't have minded.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to have a successful relationship with a person who will not talk through the problems. I have an ex who is like that. He refused to speak with me. I would BEG him, cry, sob, (real feelings of hurt and utter hopelessness) whatever, but NONE of it helped. He simply would not speak about relationship matters. He would literally run away when I tried to talk to him.

 

But what he would do is keep score. He would start tallying up in his mind all of the things I did "wrong," and save it all up until one day he would explode and just let me have it with all he had! There was no way to defend myself.

 

I learned that the first tactic I just described is called "stonewalling." And I learned the second tactic I described is a form of passive-aggression. Once I gave up, once and for all, and moved on with my life, I did some research and came to the conclusion that this guy was a true sociopath (meaning he had no feelings of empathy for others, ever).

 

Your so-called husband is using tactics against you so no wonder you want to get the hell away from him. I say run and don't look back.

[Itspointless]

I just read an article on the dismissive-avoidant personality. Oh my god, seriously, this is EXACTLY him! They describe a lot of situations and points and this is really him. Thanks for this, I mean it doesn't make my situation better I guess but it's very interesting to read about this.

I am sorry that it fits. If you are in need for answers I have titles of good articles and books you can read on the topic. This video by a counselor answered many of my personal questions:

In addition this one by Dan Siegel of only two minutes also gave me the insight I needed:

 

13Hearts is also right, what she calls tactics are often called defense-mechanisms in literature. And you unfortunately are also right, it does not make it any better for you, but sometimes it can give us what we need to make the next steps.

[edel]

I am sorry that it fits. If you are in need for answers I have titles of good articles and books you can read on the topic. This video by a counselor answered many of my personal questions:

In addition this one by Dan Siegel of only two minutes also gave me the insight I needed:

 

13Hearts is also right, what she calls tactics are often called defense-mechanisms in literature. And you unfortunately are also right, it does not make it any better for you, but sometimes it can give us what we need to make the next steps.

 

 

Thank you! I'll def check out the videos, I also found a book on Amazon. So is this kind of personality incapable of having a long lasting relationship or can they change?

 

It makes so much sense now. He also told me that he broke up with his ex of 1.5 years when she seemed to want a deeper commitment. He told me back then he just wasn't ready, now I think maybe that's just the personality. Someone gets closer, and he abandones that person quickly. And the rest fits so well too. Like he has a high self-confidence (at least on the surface), sometimes I would almost call it narcissistic (which I found funny sometimes back then), and is very good at talking to people, is very funny and I remember when we met for the first time he was really charming and all that. And his incapability to talk about his feelings. And so many more points fit too.

[edel]

It is IMPOSSIBLE to have a successful relationship with a person who will not talk through the problems. I have an ex who is like that. He refused to speak with me. I would BEG him, cry, sob, (real feelings of hurt and utter hopelessness) whatever, but NONE of it helped. He simply would not speak about relationship matters. He would literally run away when I tried to talk to him.

 

But what he would do is keep score. He would start tallying up in his mind all of the things I did "wrong," and save it all up until one day he would explode and just let me have it with all he had! There was no way to defend myself.

 

I learned that the first tactic I just described is called "stonewalling." And I learned the second tactic I described is a form of passive-aggression. Once I gave up, once and for all, and moved on with my life, I did some research and came to the conclusion that this guy was a true sociopath (meaning he had no feelings of empathy for others, ever).

 

Your so-called husband is using tactics against you so no wonder you want to get the hell away from him. I say run and don't look back.

 

 

Yea, I guess there is not much I can do. He also never really opened up to me, and when I cried he left the room and went to sleep. He said he just cannot handle tears, but maybe he just doesn't have empathy or thinks I'm blackmailing him. He also did that sometimes in the middle of an argument. He also seems to find things I do wrong, and when I think about it I sometimes felt like I had to 'earn' the proposal. Like I had to behave well, otherwise I wouldn't be worth it being proposed to. I don't know, I guess I accepted all those downsides because most of the time, I was honestly very happy. I thought whatever he dislikes about me isn't a deal breaker either, because no relationship is perfect. I never would have abandoned him and broken up just like that. It makes me think he never truly loved me.

[Itspointless]

Thank you! I'll def check out the videos, I also found a book on Amazon. So is this kind of personality incapable of having a long lasting relationship or can they change?

Your welcome I am just happy that I can give you some clues. It is horrible to be absolutely blindsided and feeling like you are the crazy one. I personally like the book 'Why Can’t I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns' by Shirley Impellizzeri, PhD. Interesting note is that she is a psychologist who found out she had that particular attachment-style herself. She gives a great introduction in easy to read language.

It makes so much sense now. He also told me that he broke up with his ex of 1.5 years when she seemed to want a deeper commitment. He told me back then he just wasn't ready, now I think maybe that's just the personality. Someone gets closer, and he abandones that person quickly. And the rest fits so well too. Like he has a high self-confidence (at least on the surface), sometimes I would almost call it narcissistic (which I found funny sometimes back then), and is very good at talking to people, is very funny and I remember when we met for the first time he was really charming and all that. And his incapability to talk about his feelings. And so many more points fit too.

It are all signs and quite hard to spot, as many of them seem not so bad. But together they unfortunately point towards something you might expect the least.

[edel]

I am sorry that it fits. If you are in need for answers I have titles of good articles and books you can read on the topic. This video by a counselor answered many of my personal questions:

In addition this one by Dan Siegel of only two minutes also gave me the insight I needed:

 

13Hearts is also right, what she calls tactics are often called defense-mechanisms in literature. And you unfortunately are also right, it does not make it any better for you, but sometimes it can give us what we need to make the next steps.

 

 

I'm watching the second video and I'm even more amazed. It's like she's describing exactly him. For example, she says that this personality can be warm and very empathic at times, when it makes sense to them. My husband can be so warm and empathic when it's something that makes sense to him, like when I have the flu or when my grandmother died. Other things though, mainly concerning him, there is zero empathy. But also with other things sometimes, like once I told him I feel like I have no friends where we live and that this makes me sad, and he didn't understand at all and just said 'Get over yourself. Maybe you just have to make more effort' not more.

[Itspointless]

I never would have abandoned him and broken up just like that. It makes me think he never truly loved me.

It can be the case that he loves you too much. It possibly makes him run as it makes him vulnerable, vulnerability he felt while arguing with you.

[edel]

It can be the case that he loves you too much. It possibly makes him run as it makes him vulnerable, vulnerability he felt while arguing with you.

 

 

You could be right. That makes it even sadder. The lady in the video just said that this personality also is always trying to be as rational as possible and to never make decisions on emotions, and he's also very much like that. I just wish he himself could realize that.

[mightycpa]

Send him the video links.

[Itspointless]

You could be right. That makes it even sadder. The lady in the video just said that this personality also is always trying to be as rational as possible and to never make decisions on emotions, and he's also very much like that. I just wish he himself could realize that.

The annoying part is that most of the time these reaction are not on a conscience level as the Amygdala takes over from the Neocortex at moments of fear or stress. It are old strategies that probably worked for him as a kid for example when his dad reacted to him like he sometimes reacts to you.

 

As for confronting him with it, you better sleep on that, especially as he already was defensive about counseling. Expect not too much of it.

[edel]

Yes, I can imagine he will not be able to recognize his own problem, or he won't be wanting to work on this either. I'll think about sending him this stuff. It's like a puzzle, it makes more and more sense. I'm so glad I started this thread. Another point that is totally him is that he doesn't trust people. When for example a hotel employer asks us what we do for work (statistics or whatever) he always lies and says a completely different job than he actually has. He tells me he doesn't want people to know because you never know what they will do. I always found that a bit exaggerated. Or she says they always wanna look perfect in public, which is also true. He never shares feelings with anyone, even close friends. He hasn't told anyone about the breakup. And when we were still together he was always so in love with me in public, kissing me all the time, holding my hand, hugging me, really affectionate, our friends even said we looked like the perfect couple.

[Itspointless]

And when we were still together he was always so in love with me in public, kissing me all the time, holding my hand, hugging me, really affectionate, our friends even said we looked like the perfect couple.

I am surprised with this. My ex did not show this so obvious to her friends in the few months that I was with her, only when alone.

 

Anyway this schema explains most of what you read: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/65/Attachment_Theory_Four_Category_Model.png as It all points to low trust in others and having learned that you can only rely on yourself.

[edel]

I am surprised with this. My ex did not show this so obvious to her friends in the few months that I was with her, only when alone.

 

Anyway this schema explains most of what you read: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/65/Attachment_Theory_Four_Category_Model.png as It all points to low trust in others and having learned that you can only rely on yourself.

 

 

Was she a dismissive type as well? The lady in the video said that this type often wants to look perfect to friends and family. He also shows it when alone, but only when everything was great and there was no fight in sight. In fact he was one of the most affectionate guys I have ever met. Unless I criticized him or there was an argument, then he completely shut down, didn't talk to me anymore, and even didn't say I love you anymore or kissed me for days. Like a 180 degrees change of person.

[Itspointless]

Was she a dismissive type as well? The lady in the video said that this type often wants to look perfect to friends and family. He also shows it when alone, but only when everything was great and there was no fight in sight. In fact he was one of the most affectionate guys I have ever met. Unless I criticized him or there was an argument, then he completely shut down, didn't talk to me anymore, and even didn't say I love you anymore or kissed me for days. Like a 180 degrees change of person.

Yes she was, I only was with her for a few months. I saw some of the same things as you, that I did not recognize as red flags at all. Especially as she was so warm and open in the beginning. She pushed me away when a tumor came back with her. Her behavior and some things she told me about a psychologist (things that were said to her in the past) lead me to some of the answers. At first I thought it only was her condition, but it could not explain to me what had happened at all, for example the way she turned in some rational robot to me and her friends as well.

 

They can be so affectionate that it must be banned.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Itspointless

[mightycpa]

Maybe it would be better to sit down with him and watch. That way, when you see him squirm, you know he recognizes his own behavior, and you've got a place to start.

[Itspointless]

So is this kind of personality incapable of having a long lasting relationship or can they change?

I think I also have to answer this question, which I overlooked. It is possible, depending on the severity of it. But people have to want it themselves.

 

The author of that book I mentioned managed to do it herself: to become more secure. It means that they have to work on it in therapy (!) usually for years, as it is quit hard to change. It all has to do with behaviors that have not much to do with willful decisions. With my ex it was clear that she did not want to change. She said - when I already questioned her about it during our talk as I found the behaviors she described so otherworldly - that she was normal, she knew other people who were the same as her. She was overly proud that she not needed others.

 

So yes, it is possible depending on the severity and even more important people have to want it themselves. If they do it for you than it is not going to happen.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Itspointless

[edel]

I think I also have to answer this question, which I overlooked. It is possible, depending on the severity of it. But people have to want it themselves.

 

The author of that book I mentioned managed to do it herself: to become more secure. It means that they have to work on it in therapy (!) usually for years, as it is quit hard to change. It all has to do with behaviors that have not much to do with willful decisions. With my ex it was clear that she did not want to change. She said - when I already questioned her about it during our talk as I found the behaviors she described so otherworldly - that she was normal, she knew other people who were the same as her. She was overly proud that she not needed others.

 

So yes, it is possible depending on the severity and even more important people have to want it themselves. If they do it for you than it is not going to happen.

 

 

 

Yesterday I talked to him again and told him about what I read. I didn't show him the video though. He sat there and listened and looked on the floor and said 'Maybe I am really like that. How can I change that?' I was surprised that he asked, so I told him that you can probably just change that through therapy and a lot of work. He didn't answer. He then admitted that he is indeed extremely scared of commitment. Again silence. Then he said he doesn't think he can change now, maybe some day in the future, but he doesn't know. Then he stood up and left. Yea, got my answer right there. Sad, but true.

[Itspointless]

Yesterday I talked to him again and told him about what I read. I didn't show him the video though. He sat there and listened and looked on the floor and said 'Maybe I am really like that. How can I change that?' I was surprised that he asked, so I told him that you can probably just change that through therapy and a lot of work. He didn't answer. He then admitted that he is indeed extremely scared of commitment. Again silence. Then he said he doesn't think he can change now, maybe some day in the future, but he doesn't know. Then he stood up and left. Yea, got my answer right there. Sad, but true.

Hi Edel, I was getting hopeful reading your message It was good what you did (strong) and really something that he admitted it. And then I read your last two sentences ...

 

It really makes me sad reading this, I think I know a little how you must feel. That 'maybe some day in the future' I have gotten that too. You seem to be stronger than I was though. I wasn't planning for it but waited for some time. He does not seem to have the spine to work on it, especially because he first blamed the differences and literally walked away after his sentences

 

Know that we are here for you!

Edited February 9, 2016 by Itspointless

[edel]

Hi Edel, I was getting hopeful reading your message It was good what you did (strong) and really something that he admitted it. And then I read your last two sentences ...

 

It really makes me sad reading this, I think I know a little how you must feel. That 'maybe some day in the future' I have gotten that too. You seem to be stronger than I was though. I wasn't planning for it but waited for some time. He does not seem to have the spine to work on it, especially because he first blamed the differences and literally walked away after his sentences

 

Know that we are here for you!

 

 

Yes, I think in the end it all came down to his dismissive personality and him being absolutely terrified of commitment. I guess I'm not ready to wait for two reasons: 1. He already broke up. I'm not sticking around to see if he changes his mind and 2. We've been together for almost four years. I guess chances are incredibly small that he'll ever change.

 

It just hurts so much that he would let somebody go who he supposedly loved and wanted to be with forever. Maybe I live in dream land, but I've always dreamed of a relationship where you are so committed that you would never cheat (not physical and no flirty texting with others- at least it seems he didn't do this, but there are tons who do) and you would never leave the person, unless there are deal breakers like abuse, violence, cheating or simply no love anymore. I always hoped to find someone who makes me feel safe, accepts my bad sides and stays in the relationship, works on it every day. Now I feel like the chances to find someone like this are incredibly small. Most guys (and girls as well, I know) just seem to be either interested in hook ups or even if they are in a relationship there is cheating, texting with others, keeping options open and dumping. I guess I need to get a reality check and just be happy with myself.

[cja]

Stumbled on your thread from the title. My husband of six years chose a text message to break up with me too. It is a cowardly choice and you seem to be bearing it with a lot less self blame than I did. Use that strength and have him force a choice work on things or say divorce and leave. no one deserves to live with that kind of cold indifference. I'm sorry that you are in this situation and that you unfortunately now have the complication of financial entanglements and joint assets. Consider though the implications of being in a similar circumstance if things aren't resolved in five years time. I'm there and it's not pretty to realize you wasted that much of your youth. The one thing you can never get back is time.

 

Hugs to you

[ExpatInItaly]

Perhaps he did something while you were away that was not good.

 

I understand avoidant attachment and agree with the points everyone is making about that being a big part of the problem, but I still think there's more he's not sharing. A straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.

 

Anyway OP, my sympathy to you. Truly. What a horrible trauma, and I was very sorry to read this entire thread. This is going to be a bumpy ride for a while and I suspect it won't end with him beside you.

[Itspointless]

Yes, I think in the end it all came down to his dismissive personality and him being absolutely terrified of commitment. I guess I'm not ready to wait for two reasons: 1. He already broke up. I'm not sticking around to see if he changes his mind and 2. We've been together for almost four years. I guess chances are incredibly small that he'll ever change.

Yes, he probably won't change. The gist I got after reading many stories is that the most probable outcome is having a partner who always runs when life is more stressful, and coming back when they want.on their terms If you can handle that, than probably this would be your life with him.

It just hurts so much that he would let somebody go who he supposedly loved and wanted to be with forever. Maybe I live in dream land, but I've always dreamed of a relationship where you are so committed that you would never cheat (not physical and no flirty texting with others- at least it seems he didn't do this, but there are tons who do) and you would never leave the person, unless there are deal breakers like abuse, violence, cheating or simply no love anymore. I always hoped to find someone who makes me feel safe, accepts my bad sides and stays in the relationship, works on it every day. Now I feel like the chances to find someone like this are incredibly small. Most guys (and girls as well, I know) just seem to be either interested in hook ups or even if they are in a relationship there is cheating, texting with others, keeping options open and dumping. I guess I need to get a reality check and just be happy with myself.

I so understand what you write, I think I live in that land too Nevertheless being able to be happy with yourself is the most important thing! There are men out there who just like you look for that special someone to walk life with and fight life when needed!

 

Take time for yourself and grief!

 

Also visit the other forums here, You probably do not want to think about it now but there are people in another forum on this board with much knowledge about what to do when facing a divorce, inform yourself.