Husband broke up out of the blue - Over a text message

[edel]

Stumbled on your thread from the title. My husband of six years chose a text message to break up with me too. It is a cowardly choice and you seem to be bearing it with a lot less self blame than I did. Use that strength and have him force a choice work on things or say divorce and leave. no one deserves to live with that kind of cold indifference. I'm sorry that you are in this situation and that you unfortunately now have the complication of financial entanglements and joint assets. Consider though the implications of being in a similar circumstance if things aren't resolved in five years time. I'm there and it's not pretty to realize you wasted that much of your youth. The one thing you can never get back is time.

 

Hugs to you

 

 

Thank you. I imagine this must have been very hard for you too. Were their any signs or was it like me, who was really surprised and didn't see it coming? He won't change, because he doesn't want to. I cannot force him to work on himself, he doesn't want to, and he sticks to the fact that he wants to break up, even though he sometimes gives me mixed signals. The only thing I'm blaming myself for is that I stayed with him for so long, and that I didn't see the red flags that were probably there, but I was blind to them. How are you now? Were you able to pick yourself up ? Are you in a relationship again?

[edel]

Perhaps he did something while you were away that was not good.

 

I understand avoidant attachment and agree with the points everyone is making about that being a big part of the problem, but I still think there's more he's not sharing. A straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.

 

Anyway OP, my sympathy to you. Truly. What a horrible trauma, and I was very sorry to read this entire thread. This is going to be a bumpy ride for a while and I suspect it won't end with him beside you.

 

 

No, after all the stuff I read I really think it's him being a dismissive personality with extreme fears of commitment. This type of personality surprises feelings and even feels good when the partner is away after a fight, telling himself he's better off like that.

[edel]

Yes, he probably won't change. The gist I got after reading many stories is that the most probable outcome is having a partner who always runs when life is more stressful, and coming back when they want.on their terms If you can handle that, than probably this would be your life with him.

 

I so understand what you write, I think I live in that land too Nevertheless being able to be happy with yourself is the most important thing! There are men out there who just like you look for that special someone to walk life with and fight life when needed!

 

Take time for yourself and grief!

 

Also visit the other forums here, You probably do not want to think about it now but there are people in another forum on this board with much knowledge about what to do when facing a divorce, inform yourself.

 

 

Thanks, I will. I really think I lost my trust in men and I lost my faith that I will ever be with someone who will stay with me forever (I know you can never be sure, but someone who is serious about staying with me forever). But I guess we'll see. I wonder if he is even grieving, or if he just feels relieved I'm moving out (next Monday I'm leaving).

[cja]

Thank you. I imagine this must have been very hard for you too. Were their any signs or was it like me, who was really surprised and didn't see it coming? He won't change, because he doesn't want to. I cannot force him to work on himself, he doesn't want to, and he sticks to the fact that he wants to break up, even though he sometimes gives me mixed signals. The only thing I'm blaming myself for is that I stayed with him for so long, and that I didn't see the red flags that were probably there, but I was blind to them. How are you now? Were you able to pick yourself up ? Are you in a relationship again?

 

No signs, just six days prior he'd texted I love and miss you (he was bike touring at the time on the pacific coast). After he said he didn't want to be attached as attachments hold us back in life and he wanted to "let me go" (like your husband mine never had the courage to say divorce either not to me anyway). I moved out and started the process for dissolution and didn't really hear from him for six weeks. Turned out in that six days he met someone slept with her and had an affair. He couldn't admit it to me and on and on. This was a year and a half ago and I tried reconciliation etc. it didn't work. We are dissolving our marriage and have finally filled out the paperwork. I really do feel for your circumstances and though they are different from mine, I hope you can learn from me the value of time, and not waste yours. BTW my husband and I also dated four years before we got married. Time does not wait

Edited February 9, 2016 by cja

[Itspointless]

Thanks, I will. I really think I lost my trust in men and I lost my faith that I will ever be with someone who will stay with me forever (I know you can never be sure, but someone who is serious about staying with me forever). But I guess we'll see. I wonder if he is even grieving, or if he just feels relieved I'm moving out (next Monday I'm leaving).

I understand, as expat wrote, it will be a bumpy ride for a while. I know though that such men are out there, as I am one of them. But finding back trust is a hard thing. Forever well that is something we never know. I do not believe in things being infinite (I want to) but life is I think to fleeting for that, everything is in motion. But walking along for quite some years hopefully till death seems wonderful to me.

 

As for the grieving part, it could be, but I do not want to tell you lies at this moment, he most probably feels relieved. Do not be surprised if he suddenly messages you asking how you are. Remember distance gives him space to think clearly and miss you.

 

It is good that you are moving out soon. Keep us informed!

Edited February 9, 2016 by Itspointless

[edel]

I understand, as expat wrote, it will be a bumpy ride for a while. I know though that such men are out there, as I am one of them. But finding back trust is a hard thing. Forever well that is something we never know. I do not believe in things being infinite (I want to) but life is I think to fleeting for that, everything is in motion. But walking along for quite some years hopefully till death seems wonderful to me.

 

As for the grieving part, it could be, but I do not want to tell you lies at this moment, he most probably feels relieved. Do not be surprised if he suddenly messages you asking how you are. Remember distance gives him space to think clearly and miss you.

 

It is good that you are moving out soon. Keep us informed!

 

 

Actually I'm almost certain that he will contact me in a couple of months. Either just because he's so used to me that he thinks he misses me or because he wants to get back together. I think I now him that well, plus it was just too abrupt without any big problems, and literally 100% of the exes who broke up with me wanted to get back together later, I think that's really common. But I really couldn't, impossible for me. It just hurt too much to ever forgive him or trust him again. When did this happen to you btw (with your ex)?

[Itspointless]

When did this happen to you btw (with your ex)?

Just before I joined here, November 2013. It really got me, as some elements were repeated that I apparently had not processed that well. Not a relation, but a death after illness many years ago.

[edel]

Just before I joined here, November 2013. It really got me, as some elements were repeated that I apparently had not processed that well. Not a relation, but a death after illness many years ago.

 

 

And you feel like now you're completely over it? I'm kinda worried about that. Right now I have my good moments and bad moments. In some moments I feel happy and relieved and start planning my new life, in other moment I can't help but cry and feel incredibly hurt and scared of a future without him. After four years of relationship, who knows how long it will go on like this. And I really felt like our connection was special and amazing, different than the relationships that I had before him. Even harder to forget. Did you watch the movie 'Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'? Right now I feel like I want exactly that.

[Itspointless]

And you feel like now you're completely over it? I'm kinda worried about that. Right now I have my good moments and bad moments. In some moments I feel happy and relieved and start planning my new life, in other moment I can't help but cry and feel incredibly hurt and scared of a future without him. After four years of relationship, who knows how long it will go on like this. And I really felt like our connection was special and amazing, different than the relationships that I had before him. Even harder to forget. Did you watch the movie 'Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'? Right now I feel like I want exactly that.

Completely over it. no, but I am used to the facts and things have turned to normal again.

 

But it is no wonder that you feel like that right now. To be honest I am a bit anxious attached, so it always takes me a long time to heal. But I noticed that for me it was also incredibly hard to distance myself knowing that she had a severe medical condition: took me many months. That death I talked about was my mother in 1998 who died after having ALS for five years, those years were madness. For me the whole thing felt like losing her again and I wanted to help. I though I had processed it well, as I had worked on it a lot. You sound strong and secure attached (thus more resilient than me). Of course it will be hard for a while, it is very traumatic what you are experiencing right now! Therefore I would consider therapy if you can afford it.

 

There is also an aspect you might want to investigate, as anxious and avoidant people are often attracted to each-other. I would be surprised if you are anxious attached the way you write, but often toxic relationships have that kind of connection between people you speak about: I also had that with my ex.

[pseudoblepsia]

Right now I have my good moments and bad moments. In some moments I feel happy and relieved and start planning my new life, in other moment I can't help but cry and feel incredibly hurt and scared of a future without him. After four years of relationship, who knows how long it will go on like this. And I really felt like our connection was special and amazing, different than the relationships that I had before him. Even harder to forget. Did you watch the movie 'Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'? Right now I feel like I want exactly that.

 

I've been reading your story and I'm just appalled at what happened. My own breakup was just over 3 weeks ago - it was face to face but to me it seemed like a rash decision from his part and it was a shock. His communication left a lot to be desired, ie. there was very little of it. That's why I can relate to you. These good and bad moments taking turns sounds just like me.

At first I felt nothing but hopelessness and extremely dark feelings, then there started to be some better moments in between. Then it started being at least tolerable, for a lot of the time. It does sting, though, and my life is upside down.

 

I'm amazed at how well you seem to have been coping, so I think you will manage despite the moments when it feels like you won't. I know those awful moments, but they're growing fewer. And yeah, I actually thought of the exact same thing about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! I actually sat down, cried my eyes out and wished I could erase the good memories from my head.

[edel]

Sorry for not stopping to talk but right now I feel ****ty again. Tomorrow is my birthday, in less than 5 hours. Last year this time were on a wonderful trip at the beach, drinking cocktails, the same the year before. And this year I'm just alone in our bed room drinking a glass of wine while he is in the guest bed room already sleeping. I feel so lonely. My family doesn't live here, so I cannot spend my birthday with them. Tomorrow I'll see a few friends so I'll feel a bit better hopefully, but I feel just so sad drinking alone, not having anyone who hugs me and tells me happy birthday at midnight. God, this is pathetic, I don't wanna feel like this. A birthday is basically just like any other day, but it really hurts. His last birthday was just three months ago and I remember how I thought for months about what to get him, and bought him amazing gifts that left him speechless, kissed him t midnight and gave him a self-made cake. In the end I feel like he appreciated nothing of this.

Edited February 10, 2016 by edel

[cja]

Sorry for not stopping to talk but right now I feel ****ty again. Tomorrow is my birthday, in less than 5 hours. Last year this time were on a wonderful trip at the beach, drinking cocktails, the same the year before. And this year I'm just alone in our bed room drinking a glass of wine while he is in the guest bed room already sleeping. I feel so lonely. My family doesn't live here, so I cannot spend my birthday with them. Tomorrow I'll see a few friends so I'll feel a bit better hopefully, but I feel just so sad drinking alone, not having anyone who hugs me and tells me happy birthday at midnight. God, this is pathetic, I don't wanna feel like this. A birthday is basically just like any other day, but it really hurts. His last birthday was just three months ago and I remember how I thought for months about what to get him, and bought him amazing gifts that left him speechless, kissed him t midnight and gave him a self-made cake. In the end I feel like he appreciated nothing of this.

 

Edel, give yourself a break and allow yourself the freedom to truly grieve. It is completely understandable to be feeling the way you are and it does get easier. My first birthday without my husband just six weeks after leaving me via a text was very painful, made more so as I later found out he emailed his affair partner on my birthday to tell her he loved her and he was going to get a divorce (yes although he never said the word divorce to me, he did to his AP). My most recent birthday was much better though and I know the ones after that will be better still. Just don't make the same mistakes I did in suppressing your grief. It's okay to feel it and find compassion for those painful feelings. They mean that at least for you this relationship was real and it meant something to you. That's a virtue.

 

Hugs and happy almost birthday.

[Itspointless]

Sorry for not stopping to talk but right now I feel ****ty again. Tomorrow is my birthday, in less than 5 hours. Last year this time were on a wonderful trip at the beach, drinking cocktails, the same the year before. And this year I'm just alone in our bed room drinking a glass of wine while he is in the guest bed room already sleeping. I feel so lonely. My family doesn't live here, so I cannot spend my birthday with them. Tomorrow I'll see a few friends so I'll feel a bit better hopefully, but I feel just so sad drinking alone, not having anyone who hugs me and tells me happy birthday at midnight. God, this is pathetic, I don't wanna feel like this. A birthday is basically just like any other day, but it really hurts. His last birthday was just three months ago and I remember how I thought for months about what to get him, and bought him amazing gifts that left him speechless, kissed him t midnight and gave him a self-made cake. In the end I feel like he appreciated nothing of this.

I am sure he appreciated it! It is harsh though that this is happening to you right now. You will feel better a bit everyday from now on, first unnoticeable, but it will.

 

It is good that you see a few friends tomorrow!

 

I hope that it will be a year with positive changes for you.

[edel]

Thanks to both of you. I'm sure he won't even have a birthday gift for me, because he never buys anything in advance. Christmas 2014 he didn't have ANY gift for me, not even a card, while I had like three for him. He said he didn't have time to buy me anything, which was bull**** of course. Three months later he gave me a pair of sunglasses, so at least he bought me something in the end, but it made me feel like he didn't care at all.

 

And yea, it's just a big up and down. Sometimes I feel okay. Sometimes I feel like I wanna kill him. Sometimes I just wanna cry and sleep and never wake up. Guess that's normal. I think I have some difficult months ahead.

[edel]

The friends I have in our city are trying to convince me to stay, saying that he will for sure change his mind and we'll be fine and I hate that they say that. Actually I'm planning to move to another city, since right now we live in a city I moved to because of him and his work. In the other city I have more friends, more business connections, it's bigger, has more events and I'm pretty sure I'd be happier to live there again. I don't wanna stay here in the limbo and hoping he will come back, since that is not really what I want. I mean I love him like crazy, but what he did to me is unforgivable I think. And even if it was forgivable, I don't think you can repair the trust and the fear of another break up. He said he doesn't want to change. I don't want to stay here always thinking of him, walking by at restaurants that remind me of him, always with lingering hope he will come back. But the few friends I have here keep saying I should stay and that I will regret to have left so quickly and of course they make me think, but I cannot do this.

[edel]

Did I mention that today he walked by the room and stopped to say 'Why are you smiling?' That was the only thing he has said to me all day. I looked at him and said 'What? I'm not smiling' because I really wasn't, at least not consciencely. In that moment I was just reading stuff on my computer. He said 'Yes, you're smiling' in a really pissed voice, like if I did something bad. I told him again I'm not smiling and he gave me a bad look, then went away.

 

WTF? What was that? Does he WANT me to suffer after the breakup? A smile would be the worst thing ever?

[cja]

The friends I have in our city are trying to convince me to stay, saying that he will for sure change his mind and we'll be fine and I hate that they say that. Actually I'm planning to move to another city, since right now we live in a city I moved to because of him and his work. In the other city I have more friends, more business connections, it's bigger, has more events and I'm pretty sure I'd be happier to live there again. I don't wanna stay here in the limbo and hoping he will come back, since that is not really what I want. I mean I love him like crazy, but what he did to me is unforgivable I think. And even if it was forgivable, I don't think you can repair the trust and the fear of another break up. He said he doesn't want to change. I don't want to stay here always thinking of him, walking by at restaurants that remind me of him, always with lingering hope he will come back. But the few friends I have here keep saying I should stay and that I will regret to have left so quickly and of course they make me think, but I cannot do this.

 

Listen to yourself not those saying it will change. If your H has been conflict avoidant for four years and is already thinking divorce only five months in, it probably won't change. If you can, move to another city. I think that is a great plan.

[dreamingoftigers]

Listen to yourself not those saying it will change. If your H has been conflict avoidant for four years and is already thinking divorce only five months in, it probably won't change. If you can, move to another city. I think that is a great plan.

 

I was hoping you'd show up in this thread.

[anna121]

Did I mention that today he walked by the room and stopped to say 'Why are you smiling?' That was the only thing he has said to me all day. I looked at him and said 'What? I'm not smiling' because I really wasn't, at least not consciencely. In that moment I was just reading stuff on my computer. He said 'Yes, you're smiling' in a really pissed voice, like if I did something bad. I told him again I'm not smiling and he gave me a bad look, then went away.

 

WTF? What was that? Does he WANT me to suffer after the breakup? A smile would be the worst thing ever?

 

He is a total idiot and turd.

 

Next time you say "Was I? Maybe. Why do you ask?"

 

And then ignore him.

[Itspointless]

Did I mention that today he walked by the room and stopped to say 'Why are you smiling?' That was the only thing he has said to me all day. I looked at him and said 'What? I'm not smiling' because I really wasn't, at least not consciencely. In that moment I was just reading stuff on my computer. He said 'Yes, you're smiling' in a really pissed voice, like if I did something bad. I told him again I'm not smiling and he gave me a bad look, then went away.

 

WTF? What was that? Does he WANT me to suffer after the breakup? A smile would be the worst thing ever?

People who are attached like that can be jealous and controlling. Of-course he knows he has hurt you. But that does not mean that he wants you to move more away than he can control. He feels you are taking back power and he probably feels uncomfortable with that. It might also having to do with some cultural element as you said that the women of his culture or more following. Where exactly is his family from?

[edel]

People who are attached like that can be jealous and controlling. Of-course he knows he has hurt you. But that does not mean that he wants you to move more away than he can control. He feels you are taking back power and he probably feels uncomfortable with that. It might also having to do with some cultural element as you said that the women of his culture or more following. Where exactly is his family from?

 

 

Yea, I feel like he thinks he's losing control and is scared that I don't grieve as much as 'I'm supposed to', which is ridiculous of course. Or his jealous side turns up and he thinks I'm smiling because of a guy or whatever. I'm pretty sure most women from his culture wouldn't stay as calm as I do. They are very dependent on their men and pretty 'submissive' but they usually have a LOT of temperament when it comes to fights, jealousy or breakups. His family is from Colombia.

[Itspointless]

Yea, I feel like he thinks he's losing control and is scared that I don't grieve as much as 'I'm supposed to', which is ridiculous of course. Or his jealous side turns up and he thinks I'm smiling because of a guy or whatever. I'm pretty sure most women from his culture wouldn't stay as calm as I do. They are very dependent on their men and pretty 'submissive' but they usually have a LOT of temperament when it comes to fights, jealousy or breakups. His family is from Colombia.

OK, thank you for answering. I do not have much experience with those cultures, I am European. But I am inclined to think that it is a factor here. Going to sleep now, if it far to late already ...

[cja]

Did I mention that today he walked by the room and stopped to say 'Why are you smiling?' That was the only thing he has said to me all day. I looked at him and said 'What? I'm not smiling' because I really wasn't, at least not consciencely. In that moment I was just reading stuff on my computer. He said 'Yes, you're smiling' in a really pissed voice, like if I did something bad. I told him again I'm not smiling and he gave me a bad look, then went away.

 

WTF? What was that? Does he WANT me to suffer after the breakup? A smile would be the worst thing ever?

 

My STBXH used to accuse me of that as well. Why are you smiling? Why are you smirking? He saw things that weren't there and then somehow I believed him. Again don't be me. Though our stories are different there are a lot of similarities. I was 28 when I first married my H and things were much more subtle in terms of tearing me down when we first married. I let six more years of subtle withdrawal and indifference turn into outright abuse. And I feel permanently changed, I'm not saying at all that your situation is the same but I just provide a cautionary tale. Don't let the years slip away.

[edel]

OK, thank you for answering. I do not have much experience with those cultures, I am European. But I am inclined to think that it is a factor here. Going to sleep now, if it far to late already ...

 

 

I'm also European. Where are you from? YES it's damn late over there haha

[edel]

My STBXH used to accuse me of that as well. Why are you smiling? Why are you smirking? He saw things that weren't there and then somehow I believed him. Again don't be me. Though our stories are different there are a lot of similarities. I was 28 when I first married my H and things were much more subtle in terms of tearing me down when we first married. I let six more years of subtle withdrawal and indifference turn into outright abuse. And I feel permanently changed, I'm not saying at all that your situation is the same but I just provide a cautionary tale. Don't let the years slip away.

 

I get you. Six years is so much time and this must have been hard years, and hard to recover from. I feel you. Apparently they're allowed to hurt us, and they want us to be sad about it. Not okay. Maybe I was smiling because I was reading something on my computer, but I didn't even realize it. And I don't get the problem. I haven't seen him cry EVER, not even once in four years, and right now I hear him talk on the phone to a friend and he doesn't sound sad. So now I should complain too?