Husband broke up out of the blue - Over a text message

[Itspointless]

He said that the ONLY problem was that he doesn't feel ready to be married. That we shouldn't have gotten married back in September, that he only did it because I kept pressuring him (I didn't feel like I was pressuring him because he seemed to be on board with everything).

As for the quote, I dare to say no, that is him making a better sounding history for himself. Blaming the partner is what these types often do as it serves them (having a positive image of themselves and a negative of others). I do believe though that he already remembers it as such. I also think it is inappropriate to compare, but reading this reminded me of things told to me. Keep true to you own memories.

[edel]

Today was actually the first time he talked a bit instead of just staring against the wall saying 'I don't know'. I couldn't help but think 'If you were always like that, at least talking to me a bit, we might could have saved things'. He said 'Why now, why do we talk now and not sooner?' and I told him that many times I just feel like I'm having a monologue and he's just staring at the wall saying nothing. That many times I don't know what he feels or thinks.

 

He said that his intention wasn't even to break up. That when he sent me this text he was just expressing what he was feeling, without really wanting to break up. And that when I came home and confronted him and said directly that I want to move out that he thought 'Okay, I guess she really wants to go and there is nothing to do'. I don't understand this. First of all, if you want to express what you feel you don't write 'I don't want to be married and I think I should be alone'. Second, if you regret saying that, the day you come back you apologize and say that you didn't mean it instead of saying nothing. Third, I actually waited another three days to tell him I'm moving out, so he had plenty of time to say that he didn't mean it and wants me to stay. He said that he felt I'm the one wanting to leave.

 

I feel like he's really twisting facts. Not even once in my life have I said I want to break up, never have I said I'm not happy or I don't want to stay. Did he really expect me to beg him to stay with me? How can someone write that he doesn't want to be married and wants to be alone if in the end he doesn't want to break up? That doesn't make any sense. Is he really that stubborn that he would let me go and delete me from his life rather than admitting a mistake and telling me to stay? Or does he really want out? I'm not sure anymore about any of this. The only thing I know is that I'm still moving out in a couple of hours. I still love him and the closer our goodbye gets the more it hurts and the more I still cannot believe it, but now there is no way back.

[Itspointless]

Did he really expect me to beg him to stay with me? How can someone write that he doesn't want to be married and wants to be alone if in the end he doesn't want to break up? That doesn't make any sense. Is he really that stubborn that he would let me go and delete me from his life rather than admitting a mistake and telling me to stay? Or does he really want out? I'm not sure anymore about any of this.

If he wasn't sure he would never had let this happen. I think you gave him exactly what he was hoping for an excuse and a reason. Well a reason in his mind proving that you indeed would give up on him. Something you never would have done if he wouldn't have done this in the first place. It seems like his mind is already suppressing those moments leaving out many details you still remember. It am guessing it is unconscious, it makes their story simpler: easier to process.

 

As for the sentence if he now perhaps did not want to break up. It is save for him to say something like that after signing isn't it? it might be that he is feeling some guilt towards you, or perhaps it is cultural as he feels that it is expected of him to form a family. He might even think it, but my guess is that it is the relieve talking. It are avoidant-attached people who are also known for their hot-cold behavior coming back when they feel safe (at distance) just to move away again later on. It is on their terms, just as it would be here as he already got you doubting a bit about yourself, leaving an opening for him.

 

Yes it hurts a lot. Just one more day edel and you can start healing, you can do it!

Edited February 16, 2016 by Itspointless

[ilovemefirst]

He did want to break up it seems, but as days go on, he is scared of losing u, hence the change of words. Had he not wanted to break up, he wouldnt have stared at the wall. You are doing the righr thing by moving out. Just know one thing, theres nothing else you could have done different. This is hard to forgive that easy, because going from being married to dating him again is like being demoted from a job and you would continue to resent him. It wouldnt work in the long run if he is this selfish and inconsiderate. Good luck with the move. Please keep us updated:)

[edel]

So yesterday I left. While I was finishing up packing, he was sitting in the living room and cried. Seriously, cried. I've never seen him cry ever before. He looked completely devastated. Still, he didn't do anything. I left, and now I'm in the new city. No contact since. God, it's so hard. I think about him all the time and try to distract myself, but so far it doesn't work very well. I guess it needs time.

[Kevin_D]

I don't know... When I was younger, I would sometimes pick a fight with a girl I really loved, just to be able to feel sorry for myself and say "See!? I knew she would leave me!".

 

These things can happen when an immature guy loses his self-confidence. As soon as I was beginning to feel that I wasn't good enough, I would:

 

1. Pick fights

2. Threaten to leave her

 

It was a desperate way to try the upper hand. I wanted to see if she was as afraid of losing me as I was afraid of losing her. Of course, usually it backfired.

 

Maybe this isn't the case with your ex, and it's impossible to find out because of his communication issues.

[Itspointless]

So yesterday I left. While I was finishing up packing, he was sitting in the living room and cried. Seriously, cried. I've never seen him cry ever before. He looked completely devastated. Still, he didn't do anything. I left, and now I'm in the new city. No contact since. God, it's so hard. I think about him all the time and try to distract myself, but so far it doesn't work very well. I guess it needs time.

Well done edel.

 

That was hard to witness for you, although in a way I am happy you experienced an emotion by him. With my ex I almost got her crying, I heard it in her voice. There was a short flash of the person I knew, instead she immediately swallowed the emotion and became a bit annoyed with me. But it did me well to notice that she wasn't entirely made out of stone. Kevin D is right, in a way you can see his behavior as immature, as he expresses his emotions at the level of a little kid.

 

Your journey will be hard right now as the reward system in your neurological system was used to making happy-hormones when he was near. You can compare it with detoxing from heroin. And than there is also the story of you both that you have lost. So try to grief: cry, scream, sport, write here and do things with your friends!

 

You will get in a better place at some point in time.

[edel]

I hope you guys don't mind that I'm using this site a bit like a diary.

 

It's been a few days now since I left and we obviously haven't had an contact. I've been trying to surround myself with friends so I'm ok most of the time, but as soon as I'm alone I feel sad. It's like someone ripped out a piece of me and I'm constantly missing it, missing him. Everything reminds me of him. I see stuff and I want to tell him about it and then I remember I can't. It's so hard, and sometimes I still cannot accept that it's over. Sometimes I still hope that he changes his mind.

 

My friends say the best way go get over it is to start dating again. They might be right, but I feel like I can't. I have absolutely no interest in flirting or dating, and every time I see a guy or I talk to a guy I cannot help but comparing him to my ex.

[Itspointless]

I hope you guys don't mind that I'm using this site a bit like a diary.[...] My friends say the best way go get over it is to start dating again. They might be right, but I feel like I can't. I have absolutely no interest in flirting or dating, and every time I see a guy or I talk to a guy I cannot help but comparing him to my ex.

That is a great way to use this site.

 

Dating helps for some, gives them a needed egoboost. That can be fine as long people do not forget to grieve, are not going to rebound (and what I find important are honest to other people). I never have been the one who could do that. Do what is right for you. We are not the same, so what is best for others is not always best for you.

[edel]

UPDATE

 

I went on a date tonight. Yes, some might find that crazy just a few weeks after my ex breaking up with me. But there was this guy who asked me, and he's really attractive, so I thought why not get my mind off this for a few hours.

 

Well, I got back to my apt with mixed feelings. On one side, I miss my ex even more now. All the private jokes we had, the way we comnected, the way I looked at him and thought that I want to be with him forever. On the other hand, it also took my mind off things and my night was quite fun. The guy I met is really hot, like totally my type. But I just didn't find the connection to him I had with my ex. With my ex, everything was so amazing from the start, talking and connecting to him was so effortless and natural. That guy I met is definitely smart, but I don't feel the connection. Hot as hell, but that's about it. I guess I should just take it as another experience trying to get over my ex.

[katiegrl]

First off, I am so sorry you're experiencing this. How utterly devastating.... you do sound strong though, which is fabulous. Yes you will be okay, for sure!!

 

That said, I am wondering what prompted y'all to have a bad argument right before your trip.

 

If you don't mind my asking, what was the fight about and did HE instigate it or did you?

 

Reason I ask is it's possible HE may have intentionally started the fight right before you left as a way to prepare you for the fact that he was gonna end it while you were gone, which, again, I think was intentional on his part.

 

He sounds like a coward, and IMO HE should be the one to leave...you should be demanding he leave.

 

I also think another woman is involved. Men very rarely walk out on a relationship, let alone a marriage, without another woman being involved.

 

Wish you the best moving forward OP.

 

((hugs))

[katiegrl]

I see I was a little late joining the party. I posted the above^^ before reading the entire thread, my bad.

 

Good luck OP, again wish you the best moving forward.

[Redhead14]

Hello,

 

I guess I just need some support and answers to the questions I cannot stop asking myself.

 

My(28) husband (32) of five months broke up with me this Wednesday. Let me explain: We have been together for almost four years, he proposed early last year, we got married and just bought an apartment together. Everything was so great, we had so many plans for the future, and he always told me all the time that he loves me. If there were any red flags I honestly didn't see them. We seemed so happy. When I told a friend of mine who knows us both of the breakup he said that we are the last couple he ever would have thought break up. And it's true. I really didn't see it coming, especially not after we literally just got married and bought an apartment together.

 

The breakup obviously is horrible, but the way did it is absolutely devastating. I had a trip to another country planned to visit a friend, and a day before I left we had a fight. We don't fight very often, and I didn't think it was serious. Both of us just got pretty pissed and we didn't say goodbye on very good terms. As soon as I left, I thought he would text me. He did not. I waited two days, no text. Then I reached out to him, and we texted every day till the day of my return. We weren't all lovey-dovey in the texts since the fight still wasn't solved, but it was normal stuff and he even said stuff like 'When you're back we should go to X restaurant'. I thought we just had a short rough patch and would make up as soon as I get home.

 

The morning of my flight back I sent him a text, saying 'How do you feel about me getting back today?' I did not expect at all the message I got back. He literally wrote me 'I actually don't think I want to be married and I really enjoyed the time alone at home. I think I need to be alone to find my own rhythm.' I was shocked, and wrote back 'What does that mean? Do you want to break up?' and he wrote 'Yes. I think I really need to be alone'

 

I was so shocked that I didn't answer anymore and wanted to wait till I get back to the apartment to talk in person. When I arrived and he got home from work later, he came to the bed room where I was sitting and said 'So I guess we should talk'. I told him to talk, to explain what exactly this means etc., but all he said was 'I never wanted to hurt you'. Nothing else. I said a lot of things, basically had a monologue, while he just looked to the floor and didn't say a single word. Really nothing. I then asked what he wants to do with the apartment we bought, if he wants to buy me out or whatever, he still didn't answer. I asked him if there is anything he wants to tell me, no answer, then he shook his head. I told him to leave. He left the room and locked himself in the guest bedroom, didn't come out for the rest of the day.

 

Today I confronted him again, told him 'If you want me to leave, say it at least. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't want to be with me anymore, that you want a divorce. You owe me that, I just cannot believe you would just send me a WhatsApp message'. He seriously did not answer. He looked at me and didn't say a word. I waited for probably a minute, then I turned around and left. Nothing else since.

 

 

I feel absolutely terrible and devastated. I always thought that he was the love of my life, an absolutely wonderful sweet man who loves me and who would never leave me, and then he doesn't just leave me, but leaves me in the worst way ever. Through a WhatsApp message, and then doesn't talk to me in person, is too coward to say a word. Just 5(!) days ago we still talked about going to a restaurant these days, just two weeks ago he said how much he loves me and we talked about a trip we had planned for May. This doesn't make any sense to me. I'm so lost. I feel like I have lost every trust I ever had. We're in the same apartment now and he passes me if I wasn't even there, he doesn't talk, nothing. I wish he would at least tell me that he doesn't love me, that everything was a lie and that he wants me to leave. But he doesn't. It is impossible to me to understand what happened. I do want to leave actually. I'm not hoping he changes his mind. I feel like after what he did, the way he broke up I could never trust him again, I would always feel insecure in the relationship. I feel like he maybe never was the man I thought he is. I want to leave, but I love him and the pain is killing me. I'm planning to move out in one week, I'm already planning. I haven't told him yet, but I guess that's what he wants anyway.

 

Guys, can you help me understand what happened? I don't, I really don't. I'm devastated. It's so hard to move on knowing we literally just got married, and not getting any reason for the break up.

 

 

Thanks for any answer, advice or support.

 

feel like he maybe never was the man I thought he is. -- There are lots of people out there who are living their lives on "auto-pilot". They live behind a mask that to the world looks "good" while inside they are struggling with perhaps a great number of "issues".

 

If this man had not done what he did -- break up via text -- I'd suggest attempting to work on this. However, that method of handling this situation given "where" you guys are, suggests a significant and insurmountable issue to be dealt with as a couple.

 

I am a huge advocate for working on a marriage. I will tell most people to exhaust every possible avenue of resolution. I know you mentioned possibly not seeing any "flags" prior but I'd be willing to bet money that you have missed some flags. It's more likely, didn't know that they were flags.

 

I cannot give you any other words of wisdom or comfort except: There is freedom in knowing that there are things that are simply not in your control. It has nothing to do with YOU. Acceptance is liberating. You cannot control how a person feels, what they think, what they like, what they need, what they want, when they feel what they feel, why they feel what they feel. And, neither can they. You just need to accept that, if they decide to move on because, for whatever reason, they are unhappy, it means you would likely be unhappy as well. Be happy that he came out of whatever "fog" he was in and set you free.

[edel]

feel like he maybe never was the man I thought he is. -- There are lots of people out there who are living their lives on "auto-pilot". They live behind a mask that to the world looks "good" while inside they are struggling with perhaps a great number of "issues".

 

If this man had not done what he did -- break up via text -- I'd suggest attempting to work on this. However, that method of handling this situation given "where" you guys are, suggests a significant and insurmountable issue to be dealt with as a couple.

 

I am a huge advocate for working on a marriage. I will tell most people to exhaust every possible avenue of resolution. I know you mentioned possibly not seeing any "flags" prior but I'd be willing to bet money that you have missed some flags. It's more likely, didn't know that they were flags.

 

I cannot give you any other words of wisdom or comfort except: There is freedom in knowing that there are things that are simply not in your control. It has nothing to do with YOU. Acceptance is liberating. You cannot control how a person feels, what they think, what they like, what they need, what they want, when they feel what they feel, why they feel what they feel. And, neither can they. You just need to accept that, if they decide to move on because, for whatever reason, they are unhappy, it means you would likely be unhappy as well. Be happy that he came out of whatever "fog" he was in and set you free.

 

 

I'm also totally for working on a marriage, whatever problem you have. I would have stayed with him and accepted the bumps in the road and would hve done anything to fix this. Problem is, he didn't want to. He just wanted to leave this marriage suddenly, and even admitted that he's a coward. Thinking about it, there def were red flags. He was never totally into marrying me. He always says he doesn't care about marriage but he would do it for me if that's what it takes to be with me forever. Back then it was okay to me. The day we got married he didn't seem scared or depressed or anything, he was completely normal and in a good mood. I guess after getting married he realized more and more though that being married is not what HE wanted and started to resent me. Still. Til the last fight we had everything was great. Just today I was thinking about two months ago, how we stayed at his parents for a few days for Christmas, how much in love he seemed. I have several pics on my phone where he's hugging me like crazy and looks really happy. Everything was great, I thought. And then, suddenly, everything was over.

[ilovemefirst]

You are feeling that way because you are not healed yet. You will compare your ex to every guy you date. I been there and its so hard! But i say, date casually as it helps you divert your energy elsewhere. You will eventually become immune to your ex not being around.

[kztar]

YOU SOUND VERY STRONG SO THANK YOU FOR THIS POST.

 

I just want to say that my EX-boyfriend that just dumped me a month ago was just like your husband. Only thing is he was just my bf. He basically BLEW up on all these little things that I was doing but he never communicated with me. With that being said keep moving forward and good luck. I send you lots of HUGS.

[Redhead14]

I'm also totally for working on a marriage, whatever problem you have. I would have stayed with him and accepted the bumps in the road and would hve done anything to fix this. Problem is, he didn't want to. He just wanted to leave this marriage suddenly, and even admitted that he's a coward. Thinking about it, there def were red flags. He was never totally into marrying me. He always says he doesn't care about marriage but he would do it for me if that's what it takes to be with me forever. Back then it was okay to me. The day we got married he didn't seem scared or depressed or anything, he was completely normal and in a good mood. I guess after getting married he realized more and more though that being married is not what HE wanted and started to resent me. Still. Til the last fight we had everything was great. Just today I was thinking about two months ago, how we stayed at his parents for a few days for Christmas, how much in love he seemed. I have several pics on my phone where he's hugging me like crazy and looks really happy. Everything was great, I thought. And then, suddenly, everything was over.

 

"Everything was great, I thought." -- he "thought" so too. He just wasn't on that level emotionally. Keep moving. It's gonna be OK.

[edel]

Thanks to all of you for your answers. Yea I guess I'm comparing every guy I meet to my ex and that sucks. I found my ex to be perfect in so many ways, and we had his amazing chemistry from the moment we met. I hope this will happen to me again at one point, but who knows. For now I think I should keep dating guys just to get my head off things. I don't think I want anything serious for now, not even sure if I would hook up with anyone, I just wanna have a nice conversation and some drinks haha.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks to all of you for your answers. Yea I guess I'm comparing every guy I meet to my ex and that sucks. I found my ex to be perfect in so many ways, and we had his amazing chemistry from the moment we met. I hope this will happen to me again at one point, but who knows. For now I think I should keep dating guys just to get my head off things. I don't think I want anything serious for now, not even sure if I would hook up with anyone, I just wanna have a nice conversation and some drinks haha.

 

As long as you make that abundantly clear right from the beginning, that's fine.

Lead them on, don't tell them they're a rebound, or that they're not going to get lucky, and you're being unfair....

[EatYourVeggies]

As long as you make that abundantly clear right from the beginning, that's fine.

Lead them on, don't tell them they're a rebound, or that they're not going to get lucky, and you're being unfair....

 

Normally I would agree with this but seriously, what sane person would ask out a newlywed who was recently dumped by her husband? Even if there was sex!

 

That person wants drama, to used, chewed up and spit out and just flat out abused. Why not make it a win / win for everyone? OP should let whoever she dates deal with all her feeling, emotions, thoughts, highs / lows about her ex. Deal with them having Ex sex, take her shopping, run errands, go to divorce court with her, etc. so he gets what he really wants.

 

I'm not bashing the OP, she seems like a very sweet and honest person. Hell, even she laughed and was surprised the guy asked her out considering her situation and knowing what he should expect.

[kztar]

It is IMPOSSIBLE to have a successful relationship with a person who will not talk through the problems. I have an ex who is like that. He refused to speak with me. I would BEG him, cry, sob, (real feelings of hurt and utter hopelessness) whatever, but NONE of it helped. He simply would not speak about relationship matters. He would literally run away when I tried to talk to him.

 

But what he would do is keep score. He would start tallying up in his mind all of the things I did "wrong," and save it all up until one day he would explode and just let me have it with all he had! There was no way to defend myself.

 

I learned that the first tactic I just described is called "stonewalling." And I learned the second tactic I described is a form of passive-aggression. Once I gave up, once and for all, and moved on with my life, I did some research and came to the conclusion that this guy was a true sociopath (meaning he had no feelings of empathy for others, ever).

 

Your so-called husband is using tactics against you so no wonder you want to get the hell away from him. I say run and don't look back.

 

 

Seriously. My ex who dumped me was like this. I cried and begged and tried to work through the problems but he would act like is all okay. The day of the breakup, he had a tally of all the "wrong" things I did in the relationship. YET I NEVER KNEW THIS until this day. These are not the greatest partners. They start off great, giving you that sense of comfort etc, but that backfires REAL QUICK in the near future. I would not look back.

[Redhead14]

Seriously. My ex who dumped me was like this. I cried and begged and tried to work through the problems but he would act like is all okay. The day of the breakup, he had a tally of all the "wrong" things I did in the relationship. YET I NEVER KNEW THIS until this day. These are not the greatest partners. They start off great, giving you that sense of comfort etc, but that backfires REAL QUICK in the near future. I would not look back.

 

"wrong" things I did in the relationship. YET I NEVER KNEW THIS until this day -- This is a huge indicator that the relationship wasn't as good as you may have thought or as it appeared. If you never hear about anything that they have issues with during the course of the relationship, they are simply riding in the back seat of the relationship and/or on "auto-pilot". If things are too good, something isn't right.

[katiegrl]

Thanks to all of you for your answers. Yea I guess I'm comparing every guy I meet to my ex and that sucks. I found my ex to be perfect in so many ways, and we had his amazing chemistry from the moment we met. I hope this will happen to me again at one point, but who knows. For now I think I should keep dating guys just to get my head off things. I don't think I want anything serious for now, not even sure if I would hook up with anyone, I just wanna have a nice conversation and some drinks haha.

 

edel, I must say you are doing remarkably well for having your husband suddenly walk out on you only three weeks ago. You are an inspiration, truly.

 

My six year RL ended in December and I am still suffering, and I ended it!

 

I consider myself very strong, but I still have moments where I can barely function, especially at night. I find myself wanting to crawl into bed sometimes as early as 7:00 pm! And breaking out in tears for no reason.

 

I just started getting out and interacting with people again last weekend.

 

Was asked out by two guys but turned them both down.

 

You are one strong woman lemmetellya. Like I said, truly an inspiration, and you will be JUST FINE.

 

Wish you the best as you move forward!

Edited February 26, 2016 by katiegrl

[edel]

Thanks so much to all of you.

 

I don't think I'm fine, but I think I'm handling this differently than most people would. I'm extremely hurt, and I miss him every day. I spend hours every day thinking about him. I often cannot believe that this is really it. i cannot imagine that I will ever meet anyone else I could love as much as I loved (and still love) him. Sometimes I feel like I should just accept that I will never meet anyone like him again, and just try to live my life to the fullest. There are so many memories. We visited 15 countries together, he was my everything. I'm not interested in any other guy, but I accepted the date to get my mind off things (oh and of course I'm not hiding the fact that I was married and that things recently ended). I don't cry, but not because I'm not hurt, but because I feel like I have no tears anymore. When we broke up, I cried for a few days. The pain is the same, but I cannot cry anymore. And today I miss him so much, there are no words.

[edel]

Just this morning I was thinking- Early January he created a cute card for his family. He took a nice pixture of us we took New Year's eve and made a 'Happy new year! Love, family XX' card. He seemed so sure about me, and so in love. I seriously still don't understand. We were happy. We talked about the future. Just days before breaking up he asked me to go to a friend's wedding with him in April. And he asked me about a trip we had planned for May. It's so hard to understand because I still don't think there was anything going wrong. In an ex relationship I already knew months before that we re going to break up. We fought a lot, I wasn't happy and he wasn't either. When we mutually broke up, I felt relieved. I realized there were too many things that went wrong. Not with my ex-husband. Everything was so great. I felt like we were perfect for each other. And now it's over and I still don't understand what happened.