Husband broke up out of the blue - Over a text message

[Itspointless]

Thanks. I don't know why I'm so strict on myself, maybe because I keep wondering if this is partly my fault. Then I remind myself that it is not because I seriously think I couldn't have been a better wife. I was good to him, always. I moved away after he broke up, back to Europe, but now I miss the place where we lived together. I miss it a lot and now I wonder if I just should have stayed there for at least a couple of months more, to make the decision what I really want.

You know edel, life sometimes has a degree of stupidity that almost is incomprehensible. It are not only our hearts but also our minds that keep thinking, seriously?!? There must be something! But sometimes there just isn't anything else. The only thing perhaps is the fact that you seem to be a person who deep down is a bit insecure about yourself: that voice that keeps telling yourself 'I must have failed'. That is something you can work on. That probably is also why you did not notice anything with him before you two married. It strangely is what attracts dismissive-avoidant people: the anxious attached go the extra mile even when they play games.

 

Also you moving away is a second process of grief. I think for now it is good that you are in another place. Perhaps the future will take you back there some time. But for now it forces you to go through your grief. It feels awful but remember, emotions are good! They are your ticket to feeling better.

[edel]

Day 54 of NC.

 

I got pretty hammered last night and now I'm at home and finally decided to stop the drinking. I've been drinking way too much these past week and it's been affecting my life. I haven't gotten done all the work I was supposed to do, I ditched plans I had (hiking etc.) and it's not healthy anyways. I decided to not drink anything for one whole week, and after that not more than a two beers or so. It's just been too much and it makes me emotionally worse I think (the only upside is that I can sleep when I drink, while when I don't drink I'm up till 3-4am staring at the ceiling). Still thinking about him every single day, probably every hour of the day, but I guess I need to fill my life with other things than alcohol.

 

Yesterday some random French guy hit on me in the street. He seemed nice, but I wasn't attracted to him, but I still gave him my Facebook because I thought why not, maybe we can be friends. When I got back home, I had 5(!) long messages of him, telling me things like how amazing it was meeting me (umm.. we talked for like two min), and that he wants to invite me for dinner, and that he's really into me, and that he's sure I won't be single for a long and this is why he really needs to meet me now and that he really hopes I'm not meeting any guy friends today etc etc. He literally wrote stuff like 'I really really really need to meet you and I really hope you're not meeting any guys today'. Wtf? What's wrong with some people? Well, I guess I had something to laugh at least

[Toodaloo]

Agh Edel... its still no time so keep going.

 

Do try and get some sort of night time routine going that helps your sleep though. I know its not easy but you need to sleep properly. Try things that relax your mind.

 

Cool that French guy is trying so hard to chat you up! Probably not so good that he is so needy though...

[Itspointless]

It's just been too much and it makes me emotionally worse I think (the only upside is that I can sleep when I drink, while when I don't drink I'm up till 3-4am staring at the ceiling). Still thinking about him every single day, probably every hour of the day, but I guess I need to fill my life with other things than alcohol.

You know what I discovered, alcohol numbs, but it also make you fat and depressed. And on top of that the numbing gets less and less.

 

So now I sport four times a week I also get that you are way too much in your head, hence the staring to the ceiling. Ever tried meditation on for example positive confirmations?

[edel]

You know what I discovered, alcohol numbs, but it also make you fat and depressed. And on top of that the numbing gets less and less.

 

So now I sport four times a week I also get that you are way too much in your head, hence the staring to the ceiling. Ever tried meditation on for example positive confirmations?

 

 

I haven't actually- Maybe I should google 'How to meditate'? Because I have really no idea I'm definitely thinking too much, my mind is always racing and I often feel anxious at night. So far I've only tried the usual sleeping tips like dimming the light, have a cup of tea, read a book etc. I wish I could go back to sleeping at 11pm

 

I already do sports but now I'll do more I think. Tomorrow I'll buy a bicycle, I wanna join an urban fitness class and start indoor climbing. Need to keep busy!

[Itspointless]

I haven't actually- Maybe I should google 'How to meditate'? Because I have really no idea I'm definitely thinking too much, my mind is always racing and I often feel anxious at night. So far I've only tried the usual sleeping tips like dimming the light, have a cup of tea, read a book etc. I wish I could go back to sleeping at 11pm

 

I already do sports but now I'll do more I think. Tomorrow I'll buy a bicycle, I wanna join an urban fitness class and start indoor climbing. Need to keep busy!

Well at least there is nothing wrong with your spirit! I know how it is when your mind keeps racing.

 

What you can try is for example simply concentrate on your breathing and try to move the rest of your thoughts out of your mind. Sit or lie down in an easy position and try to relax every muscle. As with the breathing you can also concentrate on calming music or a sound like water, nature sounds, etc. Just concentrate on the sounds. As for the confirmations I said before. You can write negative believes about yourself on a paper and turn it into positive ones. For example 'I deserve to be loved and I am worth a lot more than I have been given' and just slowly repeat that for something like ten minutes. Yet another option is slowly giving attention to every point of your body starting on the top and trying to relax it. You need to stay a while with every part before you to go another.

 

It also helps to get a warm shower or bath before you go and do this to get the tension out of your body.

[Itspointless]

Cool that French guy is trying so hard to chat you up! Probably not so good that he is so needy though...

Chatting up yes. Needy I sincerely doubt that. Mister 'mon amour, Je crois que je pense que Je t'aime' is in need for. Intimacy seems to be (to me) the thing you will find least with him and I believe that is what needy people want most.

[edel]

Chatting up yes. Needy I sincerely doubt that. Mister 'mon amour, Je crois que je pense que Je t'aime' is in need for. Intimacy seems to be (to me) the thing you will find least with him and I believe that is what needy people want most.

 

 

Nah, he actually just seemed needy and insecure. Anyways I wasn't attracted to him at all, I just wanted to be nice. Oh, and last night I only slept 4h and woke up like a million times. Let's hope it'll be better tonight

[Itspointless]

last night I only slept 4h and woke up like a million times. Let's hope it'll be better tonight

Perhaps you can try a sleeping pill if that happens again?

[edel]

Perhaps you can try a sleeping pill if that happens again?

 

I would, but would I get them without a prescription? Don't really want to go to a doctor for that. Last night I managed to fall asleep around 1am which is obviously much better than 4am, but I woke up a bazillion times again during the night. And had another dream of my ex.

[keiji]

I would, but would I get them without a prescription? Don't really want to go to a doctor for that. Last night I managed to fall asleep around 1am which is obviously much better than 4am, but I woke up a bazillion times again during the night. And had another dream of my ex.

 

I guess you can't (at least you're not allowed to get sleeping pills over the counter in my country), but perhaps you should think about seeing a doctor so he can give you a prescription and after a few weeks, a schedule to drop the pills. They're highly addictive, but they'll definitely help you to regain the habit of sleeping, so to speak.

 

Alcohol is not a good idea. It may numb you and get you to sleep, but it's also a depressant and it usually backfires. Not to speak about inducing terrible ideas like contacting the ex, etc, etc.

[Itspointless]

I would, but would I get them without a prescription? Don't really want to go to a doctor for that. L

I really do not know edel, never used them. But I know people who do. I also understand not wanting to go to the doctor, but I agree with keiji. A good night sleep is worth it. Do not see it as some kind of weakness, see it as that you are in touch with what you need to function well and get well again. There really is no shame in that.

 

Or perhaps you can get the herb Valerian.

[edel]

I guess you can't (at least you're not allowed to get sleeping pills over the counter in my country), but perhaps you should think about seeing a doctor so he can give you a prescription and after a few weeks, a schedule to drop the pills. They're highly addictive, but they'll definitely help you to regain the habit of sleeping, so to speak.

 

Alcohol is not a good idea. It may numb you and get you to sleep, but it's also a depressant and it usually backfires. Not to speak about inducing terrible ideas like contacting the ex, etc, etc.

 

Thanks. I live in Spain, so I'll figure it out if I can get them without a prescription or not. I already stopped drinking, haven't had a drop of alcohol since Saturday and decided to stop after a few drinks in the future. But btw, I'm the opposite of your theory- Actually when I drink is the only time I rarely think about my ex. I would never get the idea of texting him. But yea I agree, alcohol isn't the way to go.

[keiji]

Thanks. I live in Spain, so I'll figure it out if I can get them without a prescription or not. I already stopped drinking, haven't had a drop of alcohol since Saturday and decided to stop after a few drinks in the future. But btw, I'm the opposite of your theory- Actually when I drink is the only time I rarely think about my ex. I would never get the idea of texting him. But yea I agree, alcohol isn't the way to go.

 

I live in Spain too ? You can't get them without prescription but any family doctor will give them and oversee the intake.

[edel]

I live in Spain too ? You can't get them without prescription but any family doctor will give them and oversee the intake.

 

Haha, what a coincidence! Hi from Barcelona!

Ok, good to know. I actually bought a 'sleeping tea' today in Mercadona, haha. Let's see if that helps. If not, I'll prob go to the doctor next week.

[keiji]

Haha, what a coincidence! Hi from Barcelona!

Ok, good to know. I actually bought a 'sleeping tea' today in Mercadona, haha. Let's see if that helps. If not, I'll prob go to the doctor next week.

 

I'm in Barcelona too!! My private doctor is very good and sympathetic, not particularly expensive, and he's very good at choosing the right medication in these cases. Let me know if you'd like me to PM you his info in case you don't want to resort to Seguridad Social.

 

Una abraçada i ànims!

Edited April 13, 2016 by keiji

[edel]

I'm in Barcelona too!! My private doctor is very good and sympathetic, not particularly expensive, and he's very good at choosing the right medication in these cases. Let me know if you'd like me to PM you his info in case you don't want to resort to Seguridad Social.

 

Una abraçada i ànims!

 

 

Oops just saw this now! Haha what a coincidence to meet someone on this forum who lives in BCN too! Thanks, the last two nights I've been sleeping quite well (except of the dreaming about him), so if that changes you can pass me the contact of your doc

[edel]

In a couple of hours it's 60 days of NC.

 

I talked on the phone to a friend today who lives in the city I lived with my ex, I befriended her when I was still living there and married to him. She was always in a pretty ****ty relationship with a guy who, to me, is a complete douche. He wasn't treating her well, she broke down so many times in tears and complained and told me so many times that she'll break up with him. Back then, I was seriously thinking 'I'm so lucky with my husband, we don't have that kind of drama and we're so amazing together' and thought that those two would break up soon.

 

Ironically, the two who broke up were my ex and I. The two of them are still together, they have been seeing a therapist and she says things are better now and that her boyfriend is really doing an effort to save the relationship and be a better person. That makes me sad. I mean, my ex and I didn't even have half the drama they had, and he still bailed on me. When I- desperately- suggested to go to couples counseling he just brushed me off and says he doesn't need it and it won't work anyway. That guy of hers- even though I thought he was a complete douche- stays with her through the bad times, through her depression (she's ben struggling with depression for years) and her drama, and goes with her to couples counseling, all to save the relationship. I can say what I want about him, but at least he stayed with her. Mine didn't stay with me, even though everything seemed to be going well. Maybe it's good that we broke now, who knows what would have happened if we stayed together, had a baby and then he would suddenly leave me for whatever stupid reason (like he doesn't think I'm a good Mom, or he misses his freedom, or he thinks I'm too stressed because of the baby or whatever).

 

Well, these are just my thoughts of the day.

[Eighty_nine]

In a couple of hours it's 60 days of NC.

 

I talked on the phone to a friend today who lives in the city I lived with my ex, I befriended her when I was still living there and married to him. She was always in a pretty ****ty relationship with a guy who, to me, is a complete douche. He wasn't treating her well, she broke down so many times in tears and complained and told me so many times that she'll break up with him. Back then, I was seriously thinking 'I'm so lucky with my husband, we don't have that kind of drama and we're so amazing together' and thought that those two would break up soon.

 

Ironically, the two who broke up were my ex and I. The two of them are still together, they have been seeing a therapist and she says things are better now and that her boyfriend is really doing an effort to save the relationship and be a better person. That makes me sad. I mean, my ex and I didn't even have half the drama they had, and he still bailed on me. When I- desperately- suggested to go to couples counseling he just brushed me off and says he doesn't need it and it won't work anyway. That guy of hers- even though I thought he was a complete douche- stays with her through the bad times, through her depression (she's ben struggling with depression for years) and her drama, and goes with her to couples counseling, all to save the relationship. I can say what I want about him, but at least he stayed with her. Mine didn't stay with me, even though everything seemed to be going well. Maybe it's good that we broke now, who knows what would have happened if we stayed together, had a baby and then he would suddenly leave me for whatever stupid reason (like he doesn't think I'm a good Mom, or he misses his freedom, or he thinks I'm too stressed because of the baby or whatever).

 

Well, these are just my thoughts of the day.

 

I see why this would make you sad. One way to look at it is, although he ended things in quite a callous way, at least you and your ex didn't have drama during your relationship-- it was probably a lot more peaceful than your friends relationship. But another lesson to learn is that people are complicated. After really struggling with my decision, I once decided to stay in a relationship after he did something early on that would be a 'deal breaker' for many people, and looking back I'm glad I did because it was one of the best relationships I ever had- I'm glad I was able to look at him as a human being who makes mistakes. People aren't good or bad, loyal or aloof... everyone is somewhere in between. That was a good lesson for me.

Edited April 15, 2016 by lissvarna

[edel]

Day 65 of NC.

 

I hope nobody feels annoyed by me keeping updating this thread, but to me it's like a diary. So the last two nights I slept pretty well, even though I still dreamed about my ex. At least I did sleep, which is pretty much an improvement. The thing is, everything reminds me of him all the time. I don't even live in the same country as him anymore, but the country I live in now (Spain) is the country we met, the apartment I live in now is the same building I lived in 4 years ago (and hooked up for the first time) and the bars I go to remind me of him as well. I'm not a native Spanish speaker but my Spanish is perfect by now, and I speak it in HIS accent, I speak exactly like him and I know that. Before we broke up, even his Mom told me I speak exactly like him, I use the same words and expressions and obviously I do because I mainly learned it from him. Still, after our breakup I still speak like a Colombian in Spain, and people keep asking me if I'm from Colombia. How will I ever be able to get rid of this memory if I keep sounding like him, if I keep sound like a person from his country, even city, even though I'm not? This is so hard, it just is. Everything reminds me of him.

[Itspointless]

Day 65 of NC.

 

I hope nobody feels annoyed by me keeping updating this thread, but to me it's like a diary. So the last two nights I slept pretty well, even though I still dreamed about my ex. At least I did sleep, which is pretty much an improvement. The thing is, everything reminds me of him all the time. I don't even live in the same country as him anymore, but the country I live in now (Spain) is the country we met, the apartment I live in now is the same building I lived in 4 years ago (and hooked up for the first time) and the bars I go to remind me of him as well. I'm not a native Spanish speaker but my Spanish is perfect by now, and I speak it in HIS accent, I speak exactly like him and I know that. Before we broke up, even his Mom told me I speak exactly like him, I use the same words and expressions and obviously I do because I mainly learned it from him. Still, after our breakup I still speak like a Colombian in Spain, and people keep asking me if I'm from Colombia. How will I ever be able to get rid of this memory if I keep sounding like him, if I keep sound like a person from his country, even city, even though I'm not? This is so hard, it just is. Everything reminds me of him.

You are not going to like this answer. Your brain has to get used to it and make new memories with the same substance. Luckily our memory is performative (in the sense used by for example Judith Butler). His presence slowly will distance from it.

[keiji]

Day 65 of NC.

 

I hope nobody feels annoyed by me keeping updating this thread, but to me it's like a diary. So the last two nights I slept pretty well, even though I still dreamed about my ex. At least I did sleep, which is pretty much an improvement. The thing is, everything reminds me of him all the time. I don't even live in the same country as him anymore, but the country I live in now (Spain) is the country we met, the apartment I live in now is the same building I lived in 4 years ago (and hooked up for the first time) and the bars I go to remind me of him as well. I'm not a native Spanish speaker but my Spanish is perfect by now, and I speak it in HIS accent, I speak exactly like him and I know that. Before we broke up, even his Mom told me I speak exactly like him, I use the same words and expressions and obviously I do because I mainly learned it from him. Still, after our breakup I still speak like a Colombian in Spain, and people keep asking me if I'm from Colombia. How will I ever be able to get rid of this memory if I keep sounding like him, if I keep sound like a person from his country, even city, even though I'm not? This is so hard, it just is. Everything reminds me of him.

 

It's absolutely normal, edel. I swear I'd board all the British girls in Barcelona on a plane and send them back home. Every blonde with blue eyes reminds me of her. If I hear them speak English, it's even worse. If they're wearing a leather jacket and a print dress, it's "her". Give yourself time.

[bathtub-row]

One day you're going to realize that anyone who treated you in such a way is not worth your time and he has very serious character flaws. I know it's hard to see that now and you're just plain hurting but you will see it someday. Right now, you can't accept everything all at once but it'll all click into place eventually.

 

I used to be so in love with a man who was everything I never knew I wanted. I really didn't think I'd live through that break up. And even though I still think he's a great guy, I can't help but think that he was willing to hurt me and I'm just not ok with that. So my feelings for him have cooled off because of that. And he didn't do anything close to what your ex has done to you. One day you'll stop missing him and not even care about what he's thinking or doing.

 

And, btw, you can change how you speak Spanish. Start listening to the people around you and learn to speak like the natives. You're in the perfect place to do that.

[edel]

It's absolutely normal, edel. I swear I'd board all the British girls in Barcelona on a plane and send them back home. Every blonde with blue eyes reminds me of her. If I hear them speak English, it's even worse. If they're wearing a leather jacket and a print dress, it's "her". Give yourself time.

 

Haha, I'm not British but I'm blonde with blue eyes and a leather jacket. You wouldn't like seeing me

[keiji]

Haha, I'm not British but I'm blonde with blue eyes and a leather jacket. You wouldn't like seeing me

 

If you cross paths with a bearded, darked-haired guy that looks at you a bit puzzled and maybe even running away, that's me