Husband broke up out of the blue - Over a text message

[edel]

I mean I'm not losing faith. I know I will get over it at some point, and I know it's possible to love someone that much again. I'm a realist though, I wouldn't say everyone gets a happy end and I know that some people just end up alone. I'm just trying to make the best out of my life and be happy alone. I have so many friends and I have such a great time these weeks, I AM happy, even though I still think of him so much. It's hard to erase memories, but that's just what they are- Memories and nothing more. The hardest time of the day is the morning, when I wake up alone. But I'm getting used to it.

[keiji]

I'm a realist though, I wouldn't say everyone gets a happy end and I know that some people just end up alone. I'm just trying to make the best out of my life and be happy SINGLE.

 

Doesn't that sound better now?

[pseudoblepsia]

Edel, I really like reading all your entries here in this thread like it's a journal, 'cause it sounds so relatable, everything you're going through. My own breakup feels like forever ago and I keep catching myself thinking I really shouldn't be dwelling on it so much anymore, then realize it's only been three months and that considered I'm doing really well. But it's still hands down the worst stuff I've ever experienced (5 year live-in relationship going from the 2 of us hanging out normally, to me having changed countries to my folks' place, within just 5 days...)

 

It's really a rollercoaster. You think you're better, then there's a horrible slump all of a sudden. Even months later. There's days when I hardly thought of him once, then there's days where the thought consumes me.

I made the mistake of breaking NC several times, both with him initiating conversation and myself. It felt deceivingly good at the time, like things fleetingly were almost back to normal, just chatting away with him like we did in the beginning. But then the rude awakening was all the more horrible to bear, that he's not really doing all the chatting cause he wants to reconcile, but rather because he's bored or wants to clear his guilty conscience.

I would advise myself 3 months ago now to go cold turkey, 6 months NC no matter what.

 

Just the other day I for the first time in ages (read: 3 months and 5 days) genuinely thought and felt there is something better for me out there and felt ready to leave him and the old stuff behind. Then it came back. I had a dream about him that made me miserable.

From the beginning my rational side knew that I had to move on and it was for the better, but the emotional side is catching up much more slowly.

 

I'm almost far enough in my healing to think this makes me a stronger, more experienced and in a way richer as a person. Unlike my "Always the Dumper" ex who has yet to experience the role of the dumpee. I really think he's missing out, badly...

[edel]

Day 68 of NC.

 

I kinda hit rock bottom last night. I've been feeling pretty good all week and then a friend of mine asked me about him last night. I haven't been knowing her for very long, that's why she didn't really know about me and my ex, but she's a pretty awesome girl so I told her the truth. She asked me stuff about him in that bar, and I actually started to cry, just for a second. I pulled myself together a second later, and she told me how strong she thinks I am, and that she never would have noticed what I have been through. I hate talking about him. I prefer to pretend he never existed. Just talking about him for 10 min tonight hurt me all over again, and now I'm just in bed having flashbacks of our time together, which is pretty bad. I regret that I even met him. I wish I never did. And even though I do like being by myself now, I start thinking I`ll be alone forever.

[oldshirt]

loss is kind of a weird thing. When it first happens it is your whole world and it effects everything and everything reminds you of the loss.

 

 

Over time it is still with you but it becomes less and less global all the i.

 

 

Sometimes things trigger us and make us think about it and floods us with those feelings again. but that quickly goes away and it becomes less and less again.

 

 

in time it never really goes away but it becomes something that is small and portable enough that we just kind of carry it around in our pocket and it just kind of comes out now and then.

 

 

We may still have it in our pocket, but for the most part we go on about our normal daily lives and don't give it much thought.

 

 

Eventually this too will just be something you have in your pocket that is part of your regular baggage that you carry around but doesn't really directly affect your day to day business.

[edel]

So true, oldshirt. I know memories are going to fade, but sometimes I really wonder if I'll ever have a healthy relationship and a family.

 

Today I decided to accept a job offer I received last week, from a massive well known company here where I live. It's an amazing offer, but I was very hesitant about it because I've been working self-employed for three years now, and I make a great living on it. I decided to take it anyways because I need a change. I need a new challenge, something that gives my life some importance, and something that distracts me from overthinking. Being self-employed also means that I've been working whenever I want, so sometimes I just get really wasted, wake up at 11am and work in the afternoon (or not at all). I need something that makes me be more responsible, so I stop doing that unhealthy crap. We'll see how it goes. If I don't like it, I can still quit.

[keiji]

So true, oldshirt. I know memories are going to fade, but sometimes I really wonder if I'll ever have a healthy relationship and a family.

 

Today I decided to accept a job offer I received last week, from a massive well known company here where I live. It's an amazing offer, but I was very hesitant about it because I've been working self-employed for three years now, and I make a great living on it. I decided to take it anyways because I need a change. I need a new challenge, something that gives my life some importance, and something that distracts me from overthinking. Being self-employed also means that I've been working whenever I want, so sometimes I just get really wasted, wake up at 11am and work in the afternoon (or not at all). I need something that makes me be more responsible, so I stop doing that unhealthy crap. We'll see how it goes. If I don't like it, I can still quit.

 

Great decision. I'm also self-employed and I lived two breakups while working from home and it was terrible. Then I decided to look for a shared office and that was the best decision ever. This last breakup I've dealt with so much better thanks to being surrounded by nice, creative people that have kept my mind away from my ex-g many days.

 

I really think changes are extremely positive when you're mourning the end of a relationship. Find something exciting. I'll probably leave my flat soon for a nice house with its own courtyard. I guess that will help create new memories as well.

 

Good luck with the new work!

[Itspointless]

I kinda hit rock bottom last night. I've been feeling pretty good all week [...] She asked me stuff about him in that bar, and I actually started to cry, just for a second. I pulled myself together a second later

It is good to be strong, you are. It is also good to cry. I often have (had) trouble reaching such feelings. If we do it too much we forget that it is still there. When my mother died due to illness, when I was an adolescent, I somehow was unable to reach my emotions for years. It was not something I choose, it just happened. I could not feel my sadness, I just felt very very empty. With my last break-up I was confronted with illness again. It somehow brought it all back. For me it was a chance to finally work through things I had not been able to for many years.

 

I really hope you do not pull yourself together all the time. let your emotions flow, cause now you still are in touch with them.

 

And congratulations with the job, awesome!

[edel]

Great decision. I'm also self-employed and I lived two breakups while working from home and it was terrible. Then I decided to look for a shared office and that was the best decision ever. This last breakup I've dealt with so much better thanks to being surrounded by nice, creative people that have kept my mind away from my ex-g many days.

 

I really think changes are extremely positive when you're mourning the end of a relationship. Find something exciting. I'll probably leave my flat soon for a nice house with its own courtyard. I guess that will help create new memories as well.

 

Good luck with the new work!

 

 

Thank you! We'll see how it goes. Funny, I also work in a co-working space currently. Maybe we're working in the same one.. the world is small! Haha.

[keiji]

Thank you! We'll see how it goes. Funny, I also work in a co-working space currently. Maybe we're working in the same one.. the world is small! Haha.

 

I'll start looking at the girls with suspicion from now on, ha ha.

 

I try to PM you a few days ago but the message wont' come through for some reason. Anyway, I hope everything turns out OK! I'm sure it will.

[edel]

It is good to be strong, you are. It is also good to cry. I often have (had) trouble reaching such feelings. If we do it too much we forget that it is still there. When my mother died due to illness, when I was an adolescent, I somehow was unable to reach my emotions for years. It was not something I choose, it just happened. I could not feel my sadness, I just felt very very empty. With my last break-up I was confronted with illness again. It somehow brought it all back. For me it was a chance to finally work through things I had not been able to for many years.

 

I really hope you do not pull yourself together all the time. let your emotions flow, cause now you still are in touch with them.

 

And congratulations with the job, awesome!

 

 

 

Thanks!! And no, not pulling myself together all the time, just when I'm with people. Well, and closer friends now how I feel anyways. I know it's good to actually accept the negative feelings, but I just hope it will stop. I mean it's been 70 days of NC, and 83 days since we broke up. And I kinda hoped I would feel much better after a couple of weeks already. Sometimes, like today, I feel too exhausted to even do anything, and I think it's still because of what happened. Like tonight I planned to go indoor climbing or for a run and I came home from work and I'm just to exhausted, physically and mentally, even though my job isn't very stressful.

[edel]

I'll start looking at the girls with suspicion from now on, ha ha.

 

I try to PM you a few days ago but the message wont' come through for some reason. Anyway, I hope everything turns out OK! I'm sure it will.

 

Haha, I'm sure you will! Hmm, never checked my private messages but I just did and had one message, but it wasn't from you.Maybe you reached a limit or so? I dunno how it works, haha.

[keiji]

Haha, I'm sure you will! Hmm, never checked my private messages but I just did and had one message, but it wasn't from you.Maybe you reached a limit or so? I dunno how it works, haha.

 

No, I never PMd anyone, but since we're both in BCN I thought it would be nice to "compartir penas" as we say around these parts. It's strange. Maybe users need to activate something or whatever. Not a clue.

[edel]

No, I never PMd anyone, but since we're both in BCN I thought it would be nice to "compartir penas" as we say around these parts. It's strange. Maybe users need to activate something or whatever. Not a clue.

 

 

That's weird indeed. I'm going to try to message an admin about this.

[keiji]

That's weird indeed. I'm going to try to message an admin about this.

 

Absolutely! I just got a message from another member. Try to Pm. Maybe it's me who's doing something wrong!

[keiji]

Ok, I tried to message him back but it doesn't work. Seems I can only receive messages. I just messaged the administrators.

Edited April 26, 2016 by keiji

[Itspointless]

Thanks!! And no, not pulling myself together all the time, just when I'm with people. Well, and closer friends now how I feel anyways. I know it's good to actually accept the negative feelings, but I just hope it will stop. I mean it's been 70 days of NC, and 83 days since we broke up. And I kinda hoped I would feel much better after a couple of weeks already. Sometimes, like today, I feel too exhausted to even do anything, and I think it's still because of what happened. Like tonight I planned to go indoor climbing or for a run and I came home from work and I'm just to exhausted, physically and mentally, even though my job isn't very stressful.

I understand you, I remember it being very exhausting and it did not seem to stop. I am afraid that it will take somewhat longer to get there.

[edel]

keiji, did you resolve the issue?

 

 

 

Day 72 of NC.

 

Last night I kissed someone. My first kiss since my ex. It was pretty much a surprise, because I only went to an event with two friends of mine, and it wasn't a party thing or anything like that, but with a lot of people. I saw that guy who was cute, and in the end of the night I talked to him because we had a friend in common. We went to a bar afterwards, had another beer and at one point he kissed me. It was nice, I guess. He was a pretty shy guy, which is surprising because he was pretty good-looking. I guess I'm just too used to 'the latin game' haha. Latins are always so straightforward with everything, an this guy wasn't, I guess because he was Catalan. Not trying to feed any stereotypes

[keiji]

keiji, did you resolve the issue?

 

Yes and no. I could answer the other user's messages. It seems I cannot contact people myself, but I can reply. Weird.

 

 

Day 72 of NC.

 

Last night I kissed someone. My first kiss since my ex. It was pretty much a surprise, because I only went to an event with two friends of mine, and it wasn't a party thing or anything like that, but with a lot of people. I saw that guy who was cute, and in the end of the night I talked to him because we had a friend in common. We went to a bar afterwards, had another beer and at one point he kissed me. It was nice, I guess. He was a pretty shy guy, which is surprising because he was pretty good-looking. I guess I'm just too used to 'the latin game' haha. Latins are always so straightforward with everything, an this guy wasn't, I guess because he was Catalan. Not trying to feed any stereotypes

 

Not stereotype. We're definitely shier, haha. I'm glad you're a bit more in an "out to see the world" mood.

[edel]

That is weird! Hope the admin can solve the issue!

 

Haha yea, I guess I'm using every opportunity to get out of the house. Obviously not looking for a relationship or anything, but it was fun. Part of the experience, haha.

[keiji]

That is weird! Hope the admin can solve the issue!

 

Haha yea, I guess I'm using every opportunity to get out of the house. Obviously not looking for a relationship or anything, but it was fun. Part of the experience, haha.

 

The admin won't even reply. So at the moment I can only contact someone if they contact me first.

 

I think not looking for a relationship is the best you can do now, both for yourself and the other end of the story. I've done it in the past and I was only putting band-aids on a wound that was still there. But the fact that you're eager to be out of the house as much as possible is a sign that you have the energy to do so. It's the stage I've come to as well, and it feels good.

[edel]

Day 78 of NC.

 

I've had a really good day, even though I had a lot of errands to run and nothing seemed to work. I had a good day because I was in a really good mood all day, feeling positive and hopeful, even though this morning I saw a pic of my ex in France. I knew he has off this month, and when we were still together we were planning to travel to South East Asia- Well, I'm still going to South East Asia the end of the month, with two awesome friends

 

So he's in France, which means he's in Europe and he hasn't contacted me and somehow this doesn't make me feel as sad as I thought it would. I saw him in those two pictures with a random 24 years old backpacker guy he just met (while he is 32) and just thought and felt nothing, really. I don't say I'm over him, but these days I've been feeling so good about myself, and my friends have been helping a lot with this. I've been doing so many amazing things, hung out with great people, felt important, and most important, I feel myself again. I'm looking forward to the future, and I have so many great plans, while at the same time I somehow feel sorry for him. He's a complete douche, and I kinda believe he will probably end up alone, after dumping 15 other girls out of nowhere. I should have taken the warning our mutual friend (he knows my ex since they're kids) gave me after I just started dating him.. he literally said 'XX (name) is very complicated with relationships. He never manages to ever keep a relationship going and I'm really sure he will end up alone'. And that from a guy who's his friend. Anyways, trying not to obsess about this. I know I'm better than this, and I know I deserve better.

 

This weekend is supposed to be rainy and cold though, let's hope I won't have a mood change

[edel]

Day 107 of NC.

 

My ex liked my Instagram picture today. Since we broke up we had zero contact, and none of us has liked the pictures of the other one on social media (I unfollowed him anyways) and today he liked me picture. I'm on vacation in Asia since a couple of days ago and I'm having a great time, but I still cannot stop thinking about him. I do think I have given him up completely, but my thoughts of him remain. And now him suddenly liking my picture makes me think about him more and makes me wonder if he misses me, then I remind myself that I shouldn't be thinking this way.

[bathtub-row]

It's normal for you to think that way. Still, the way he ended things and disappeared should bring you back to reality whenever you start feeling warm and fuzzy about him.

 

My guess is that he probably does miss you and is regretting what he did. Could this really be fixed, though?

[edel]

No, I don't think this could be fixed. I don't think I could ever trust him again. Still, him liking my picture makes me wonder. If he really regrets what he did, why wouldn't he contact me even once since he left me? Why just liking my picture 107 days later? I obviously won't react to that.