WHY is my friend doing this to herself?

[Confusedovo]

My friend is loving, intelligent, pretty, has a great job and family/friends. She had been dating decent men until she drops them for the guy I will be talking about.

 

She is hooked on a guy she met online. They haven't met yet for various reasons, but have been talking for a few MONTHS on and off. He is vile. She was very excited about him when she first told me about him. Said he is sooo sweet and handsome. Yes he is handsome from his pics. Then a couple of weeks later she tells me she is done with him, that he's a loser. Says he text her "b*tch" randomly in the middle of the night, and said it was to see her reaction! She blocked him then started dating other nice guys. Didn't think anything more of it.

 

I guess she must have unblocked him, cause just after Christmas she tells me she's back in contact with him. That she was just gonna take it slow. I tell her to be careful but ok. A couple of weeks later she's on the phone saying he always gets angry. Turns out he's calling her names every few days or so. This guy has called her horrible names. He even admitted to her he has a history of domestic violence. At first he told her he hit her once in self defense thrn last night admitted that it was an ongoing thing. And she feels sorry for him. Saying he's a victim of child abuse, has abandonment issues. Apparently last night he even tried to end it with her cause he doesn't wanna hurt her anyone. She begged him not to, telling each other they love each other! She tells me he's soo sweet and misunderstood. She's been abused before so she should know the deal. He is controlling too and they text each other alllll day. It's like she's addicted to him. She has these fantasies of marrying and having his babies.

 

I just don't understand he's TOLD her what he is, and that he can't even promise he'd not hurt her physically! Yet she says she knows he won't really and that she will help him change. Why is an intelligent pretty woman doing this? They haven't even met yet but she can't wait. Please help me help her, I'm worried.

[bathtub-row]

Emotionally, she's not in the least bit intelligent -- particularly if she has been down this road before.

 

Abusers almost all have very tragic childhoods. But they are extremely broken and unfixable and are, therefore, not marriage material. The fact that she wants to have kids with this guy is unbelievable.

 

Hate to say it but she has no one to blame but herself if she continues down this path. If I were you, I would either start seeing less of her, or tell her that you don't approve of the relationship with this guy at all and that you don't want to hear anything about him ever again. If it's drama she's looking for, I wouldn't feed it.

[Confusedovo]

Thanks for the reply bathtub.

 

I really hate to talk bad about my friend as she is lovely. But I'm afraid you may be right, that she has some blame in this. I am a victim of domestic violence myself. But I never imagined the amazing guy I had met would end up destroying me. She KNOWS what this guy is. To be fair on him (ugh) He's been pretty honest about himself being abusive. Of course he tells her he wants to change tho.

 

I don't know if it's drama, or maybe he's really that good at abuse that he's totally brainwashed her?? She's obsessed with him and helping him change.

[cupcakebunny]

I am loathe to do the victim blaming bit. Domestic abuse victims go back all the time. Yes, they are in control of themselves, but there's a lot of messy emotional issues wrapped up into it. And this sounds like typical narcissist/co-dependent relationship. He's a beautiful jerk and she feels better if she can help him -- he's being honest because it doesn't matter if he's a jerk, she'll still stick around. She is validated through her relationships with these types of people. She needs to go to a therapist.

 

 

The only thing you can do is sit down and say you're concerned about her. Try to lay it out. But I've been where you - I had a friend who refused to leave her bf after he tried to run her over with a car(!!!!!!!!) - and it's so HARD to make them see.

 

 

This is better since they have not met. Maybe try inviting her out with a group and other guys. Try encouraging her to go out with different men.

[preraph]

This type of crap may be normal to her if she grew up around it. It always hurts to see a friend go down that path. All you can do it be blunt about it. And that will make her mad eventually. But if she keeps going back and forth and then wants sympathy and then wants you to support her being with him, stop letting her lean on you and tell her you can't stand by while she gets run over by a bus.

 

Chances are he's not even who his pictures shows he is. I hope she's at least skyped him or talked on the phone. If he won't talk on the phone, he's a she. If he won't skype, he's not the pretty boy in the photo. You might do some catfishing research and copy his profile photo around on google image search and see if someone else turns up or not. That way you could prove it to her.

[VeveCakes]

Why the hell would she take this from someone she hasn't met?

[spiderowl]

Maybe she IS addicted, to the excitement and unpredictability. I don't know why people put themselves at risk like this. I have seen it happen too and I was flabbergasted that an intelligent woman could not see that she had to get out of a bad situation. She is still in touch with him - the guy who put in her hospital several times - though she has got separate accomodation now. It's almost like the guy had hypnotised her. Maybe there's something in the pattern of what these guys do that gets to those who are suggestible and then before they know where they are, they are hooked (and irrational).

Edited February 8, 2016 by spiderowl

[LostOnes05]

She seems to be one of those "I know I can change him" types. When she realizes she can't...too late and she starts the cycle all over again.

Edited February 9, 2016 by LostOnes05

[bathtub-row]

She isn't a victim if she's walking into this sh-t storm with her eyes wide open. Not only that but she's willing to bring kids into this living nightmare. Sorry, I cannot feel sorry for someone like this. It's not like he tricked her and she fell for him, had an actual relationship with him, and then realized who he really was. I can guarantee you that if my ex had told me that he was abusive, I would've said, "Thanks for the warning. Have a nice life." This girl is being just plain stupid about her life - and any children she may bring into this world. This is not my definition of a victim.

[Confusedovo]

Cupcakebunny: I don't like victim blaming either, esp. since I'm an abuse survivor myself. However I am baffled by this situation. The writing is on the wall for her but she refuses?to see it. I.cant help but think she does see it really. I think a big part is his looks and persona. He's a handsome mixed race guy from Brooklyn, a bit of a bad boy thing going on. But there's "bad boy" then there's abuser. He's definitely her types in the looks department tho.

She literally stopped dating other guys when he came back in contact.

I agree she should see a therapist, but she swears she's dealt with the past.

 

Spiderowl: yes that is definitely how abusers act. However they don't usually show their true colors so early on. That's why I'm confused if the dynamics are still the same for her. I guess by this point she's proven to him that he can get away with it, that she will risk getting hurt even physically to "Help" him

 

I spoke to her again today. She said she feels torn between the nice him and the bad him. That when he's sweet he's the sweetest person ever. I reminded her that's how abusers operate at least in the earlier stages. She says she's out of control when it comes to him, that she can't stay away. She says he's getting help for his issues and he has seen a Dr today. I told her she's making a big mistake and she will regret it. She then said promise not to say anything about the name calling and his history as I promised not to tell anyone, so I've only told you. Sigh...

 

She's in her early 30's btw and he's in his 20's. I just don't know.

[S2B]

Generally if they don't meet pretty quickly after chatting - it's a scam.

 

Why haven't they met?

 

She must be accustomed to abuse.

[Miss Clavel]

go online to mtv.com and click on the catfish show. email them and see if they can at least put a real name and real location for this prince.

 

chances are everything about him is fake except for the fact that he's a pig.

 

good luck.

[cupcakebunny]

Cupcakebunny: I don't like victim blaming either, esp. since I'm an abuse survivor myself. However I am baffled by this situation. The writing is on the wall for her but she refuses?to see it. I.cant help but think she does see it really. I think a big part is his looks and persona. He's a handsome mixed race guy from Brooklyn, a bit of a bad boy thing going on. But there's "bad boy" then there's abuser. He's definitely her types in the looks department tho.

She literally stopped dating other guys when he came back in contact.

I agree she should see a therapist, but she swears she's dealt with the past.

 

Spiderowl: yes that is definitely how abusers act. However they don't usually show their true colors so early on. That's why I'm confused if the dynamics are still the same for her. I guess by this point she's proven to him that he can get away with it, that she will risk getting hurt even physically to "Help" him

 

I spoke to her again today. She said she feels torn between the nice him and the bad him. That when he's sweet he's the sweetest person ever. I reminded her that's how abusers operate at least in the earlier stages. She says she's out of control when it comes to him, that she can't stay away. She says he's getting help for his issues and he has seen a Dr today. I told her she's making a big mistake and she will regret it. She then said promise not to say anything about the name calling and his history as I promised not to tell anyone, so I've only told you. Sigh...

 

She's in her early 30's btw and he's in his 20's. I just don't know.

 

 

She probably does see it but won't leave- and like you said there may be some superficial crap wrapped up into. The friend I referenced - she would cry and tell me she KNEW how bad he was but then there she'd be...right there with him. It took him actually just straight up abandoning her for a younger woman to be done with him.

 

 

You can ONLY encourage her and be upfront, but you can't do much else than that. It sometimes take a long time for people to get there themselves and that's always the saddest part. What you can do is just ban talk of him from conversations and if he finally shows up, just say you won't be around. That's what I had to do with my friend. I was like "I hate this guy. He's physically abusive and gross. He's not welcome in our apartment and if he comes in Ill call the cops."

[spiderowl]

Cupcakebunny: I don't like victim blaming either, esp. since I'm an abuse survivor myself. However I am baffled by this situation. The writing is on the wall for her but she refuses?to see it. I.cant help but think she does see it really. I think a big part is his looks and persona. He's a handsome mixed race guy from Brooklyn, a bit of a bad boy thing going on. But there's "bad boy" then there's abuser. He's definitely her types in the looks department tho.

She literally stopped dating other guys when he came back in contact.

I agree she should see a therapist, but she swears she's dealt with the past.

 

Spiderowl: yes that is definitely how abusers act. However they don't usually show their true colors so early on. That's why I'm confused if the dynamics are still the same for her. I guess by this point she's proven to him that he can get away with it, that she will risk getting hurt even physically to "Help" him

 

I spoke to her again today. She said she feels torn between the nice him and the bad him. That when he's sweet he's the sweetest person ever. I reminded her that's how abusers operate at least in the earlier stages. She says she's out of control when it comes to him, that she can't stay away. She says he's getting help for his issues and he has seen a Dr today. I told her she's making a big mistake and she will regret it. She then said promise not to say anything about the name calling and his history as I promised not to tell anyone, so I've only told you. Sigh...

 

She's in her early 30's btw and he's in his 20's. I just don't know.

 

I think it's entirely possible that some people have more then one character in them and it depends which one is 'triggered' at the time. It is very confusing when someone you love flips and behaves badly. It is tempting to think of it as them 'being out of character' when it is probably one of their characters. However, it does mean that the bad character is unlikely to reform without substantial outside help.