UNBELIEVABLE!!!! DISILLUSIONED? Also, found tatic that works......

[sparkle & fade]

If any of you have read my previous posts, then you would know that I have had a problem with Jealousy. Recently, (within the last couple of days) I have changed my ways. I knew my jealousy was such an overwhelming, unbearable problem for my boyfriend of a year. I could sense him slipping away and this was what caused me to change. I would promise in the past to change my ways and I would, for a day and then I was right back to my old ways. It got to the point where he didn’t believe me at all…..Not that he hasn’t given me reason from time to time to become jealous, with his suspicious behaviours. But I was OUT OF CONTROL.

 

HOWEVER…….

 

Last night, I decided that I would perform one more test. IF everything checked out, then I was truly able to get on with my life and enter into a more happy, carefree, trusting and loving relationship with him.

 

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE ACCOUNT OF WHAT WENT DOWN LAST NIGHT:

 

Yesterday afternoon, My BF called me and told me that his boss from his second job called him and needed him to work in the night. This is not abnormal as he does from time to time work at night. What was abnormal was the fact that he told me some time 2 weeks ago that the place was closing for the summer. His night job requires him to dress up in good clothes, ie black trousers, white dress shirt, dress shoes. Of course, when he told me he was working my first and natural inclination was to immediately become suspicious and questioning and angry but this time I did not. I said simply "oh, I thought you told me it was closed" to which his response was "no, they are keeping it open until sometime next week". NO PROBLEM…I can handle this, I said to myself. I told him I was going over my friends house. He told me he wanted me to stay home and do laundry. Fair enough. If he was working, I should work too. I told him I loved him and to drive safe. He told me to call him when I got home.

Which I did. I started to get a little paranoid so to reassure myself I asked him if he "promised to god" that he was working. How this works is one does not promise to god if they are lying. He "promised to god" a million times over. Having felt reassured, I went about my tasks. Around 7:00, I began to become suspicious…..I had this weird panicky feeling that something was not right. He left at 4:30 and was coming home at 9:30. I thought that my insane jealousy was kicking in again. To quiet my nerves I decided that I would call the place INSTEAD of his cell to see if it was open.

What do you think happened?????????

"Thank you for calling. We are closed for the season, see you in the fall"…..

 

I WAS SPEECHLESS…..

 

Maybe it was a mistake, maybe they were still open for the remainder of the week and this was their default message.

 

I waited. And called again. Same message.

 

What should I do? Don’t panic, maybe they arent answering their phone because they are busy.

 

Drive down there, you will see he is truly working.

 

And drive I did……I DID NOT SEE HIS CAR.

AND……

The restaurant WAS closed. Still I waited. Maybe I am mistaken. He HAS to be working.

HE PROMISED TO GOD……..

I waited, like a fool, in the rain, for 20 minutes.

I came home. I called him. I asked him how work was going. He said good, not too busy and he will be home soon and he loved me. When he came home I asked him questions. TO make SURE that he was working in the same place. It was the same place. Finally, when I could not bear it any longer I sat him down.

I told him how much I loved him, how much I respect him, how much he means to me. How happy I was to find him. He told me the same thing back.

Then I called the place…..and let him listen to the message.

And he promptly tried to worm out of it. "I was working, I promise to god" etc…..I told him I went down there…….AND WAITED. LIKE A FOOL. IN THE RAIN.

And I did not see his car. Around and around we went, for a better part of an hour.

Finally a break. He broke down. He told me that he and his friend went out to play pool. Why lie then? He didn’t have an answer…..

BUT….I FOUND A TATIC THAT WORKS!!!!!!!

Someone had given advice to someone on this website:

You have evidence, use it. Keep repeating yourself until they break.

My bf never admits when he is wrong. He will ride a lie out to the bitter end.

I kept repeating "where were you" until he finally told me….

My question now? WHAT SHOULD I DO????

Is this somehow my fault for backing him in a corner with my jealousy that he was afraid to do anything recreational with his friends b/c of how I would react????

Do I believe him? WAS he out with his friend?

He seemed truly remorseful, very loving and understanding….do I let it drop?

He promised to god.

Do I move on, or is this pretty much it???????????

Thoughts, insights, suggestions, etc GREATFULLY appreciated….

[NiCoLe20]

if u have a feeling that he's not doing what he's suppose to, 9x out of 10 ur conscience is right...

 

from the sound of ur story, it seems to me he's lying... only one way to find out? call his work today and see if he worked AT ALL last night, or check his paychecks... if he gets mad ur doing this, then he's keeping something. if he is willing to prove to u that he worked, then theres no reason to be hiding something? get my drift?!!!

 

but yea id be suspisous too, check his phone, see whats goin on! ... yea you shouldnt snoop around but dont be played for a fool

[morrigan]

I told him I was going over my friends house. He told me he wanted me to stay home and do laundry.

It sounds like there's control issues, if he feels he has the right to tell you to stay at home.

 

one does not promise to god if they are lying. He "promised to god" a million times over.

People have sworn on the bible that they weren't lying--and then went on to lie. It's not like a thunderbolt comes down and strikes those who lie after swearing to God.

 

My bf never admits when he is wrong. He will ride a lie out to the bitter end.

So he could promise God, you or his mom that he was telling the truth, but still could be lying.

 

Is this somehow my fault for backing him in a corner with my jealousy that he was afraid to do anything recreational with his friends b/c of how I would react????

Do I believe him? WAS he out with his friend?

He seemed truly remorseful, very loving and understanding….do I let it drop?

 

Too much distrust and jealously is going on between you two, I don't see how this relationship is going to get better. Honestly, I don't see why he would go to the trouble of lying and facing your anger and jealously if he simply was hanging out with a buddy that night. He's going to be remorseful if he doesn't want you chewing out his a$$ or catching him up on his lies. Even if he hasn't cheated already, there's hardly any trust or respect between you two, as to where one of you will finally get sick of all the arguments and just leave.

 

If he was cheating, it's his actions, but you seem to have a lot of issues with jealousy that could affect any other relationship you may have in the future. Have you been overly jealous in all of your past relationships? You need time to yourself to figure out why you have these feelings.

[tanbark813]

Given how much he lied about where he was do you really think he's telling the truth about being with a friend?

[sparkle & fade]

Yes, I already determined that he was not working last night, and he finally admitted that he wasnt working, he was out with his friend playing pool.....it took him an hour, but he finally admitted it......

 

What i am wondering now, is can this be salvaged?????? at all?? or is this pretty much it? Is the lying about going out pretty much the end all, or do I give him the second chance for admitting to it? Is this a sign to come of what the rest of our days will be like?

 

Regardless of who caused it, and why, the fact still stands that he lied, was gone for 5 hours, took him 1 hour to tell me the truth, went through all the trouble to dress up in his work clothes to appear like he was working, doesnt have a response to why he lied in the first place.........

 

I KNOW promising to god isnt truly affective....but it is almost like swearing on your mothers soul, and if you have any respect for either you wont make the promise...stupid relationship thing, but what the hell....

 

once we reached this stage, is it a sign of more deciet, or covering up, is he already over me in his mind????? Is this what it is? That he is over me, bored, tired of it, and wants to move on??

 

He has already proven what a coward he is by not admitting the truth to me, how do I know that instead of telling me he doesnt like me any more, he will just stay with me and cheat and deal with it....????

[imjustagirl]

I only have two questions...only because something similar happened to me:

 

Was this "friend" male or female?

 

And if all they were doing was playing pool and you two are a couple....why weren't you invited along?

[JadeStar]

He told you he went to play pool with a friend. Did he say which friend? Who it was? What pool place they went too? Sure he may being lying to you because your jealousy/insecurity pushed him to do so, however we all have choices in life, either to lie or not. He chose too reguardless of why. If he can lie about this he can lie about many other things as well. I think the main question is are you willing to stay in a situation wheres theres jealousy, lies and trust issues? Also you said when you thought he was going to work he had to dress the part as in dress pants, shoes dress shirt etc. Is that how he left the house? He went to play pool with a friend in nice dress clothes? Of course I'm sure that was his cover up to throw you off to make you think he was going to work. Wow, some people will go to the hilt to cover their lie.

 

 

Jade

[sparkle & fade]

The friend was a guy...

 

and to answer your second question...I dont know why i wasnt invited I asked but recieved a shrug of the shoulders as a reply...unless it is a guy thing...the guy's gf was out of town

 

He said there were no girls.....but we all know now what I promise to god means to him..........

 

I am going to write him a letter. Should it be a break up letter or what??????

Last nite, I told him that maybe he isnt done looking, and that I should give him time, and he could come back for me when he was ready...he said he was ready now, and he will be marrying me and in the future he will take me along

 

But how should I know??? Maybe he doesnt have feelings for me anymore, and instead of telling me he lies........

[sparkle & fade]

I KNOW!!!!!!!

The lying was bad enough but actually DRESSING UP in his work clothes??!!! That is what I am saying!!! OBVIOUSLY he is more decietful and adept at hiding than most!!!!!! What would one say about how his personality is???? Going to GREAT LENGTHS to cover it up.......

[sparkle & fade]

AND im not entirely sure that he actually spent from 5-9:30 playing pool in his nice dress clothes.....pool is usually a nite time activity and besides, how long can one play pool????? for 5 HOURS????????????????

[tanbark813]

s&f, you're not getting what people are saying. He lied about working that night and then after and hour finally admitted the "truth" that he was actually "playing pool with a friend". Well, if you already know he was lying about working, what reason do you have that "playing pool with a friend" wasn't also a lie? Because, really, I see no benefit to him for lying about where he was if he was only with a guy friend. Why even lie about that? What's the point?

 

One more thing: If his hands were perfectly clean when he got home then he wasn't playing pool. I've never been able to play pool without getting that blue chalk all over my hands.

[JadeStar]

"Well, if you already know he was lying about working, what reason do you have that "playing pool with a friend" wasn't also a lie?

 

Exactly! thats my point as well. Why couldn't he just say to you ,"hunny me and my friend so and so are going to play pool for awhile." Why tell you a dang lie about work, even go to the lengths of dressing the part to go to work, to cover his tracks. Like I said if he is lying about this he can lie about other things. As far as a break up letter to him, that has to be your call. Weigh your options, do you want to live in a sitaution where theres no trust, lies and jealousy? Doesn't sound healthy to me. Reguradless of why he lied, he still lied, and sometimes one lie will lead to another, then another, kind of like a snowball effect.

 

 

Jade

[sparkle & fade]

You all have such good points....you all are right of course...

 

GOOD GOD! Blue chalk?? I didnt even think of that one!! of course i could check his clothes but then again, what is the point?????? I guess i must be that bad if he is willing to go to any lengths to avoid me...maybe he was really out shopping for upgrades....

[Female Guest]

Hi Sparkle,

 

I don't know what your other posts were about, this is the first one of yours that I have read.

 

I think that you misdiagnosed your feelings of intuition for jealousy.

 

I think that you shoudl listen to your intuition and check it out. Which you did.

 

Maybe you have a problem with jealousy....I don't know....but apparently you have the sense enough to know when someone is lying.

 

People here may be defending themselves because they don't want to admit that their diagnosis of you being jealous was incorrect. they chose to believe in this guy..who knows why

 

I have been cheated on before in my life. I know that even if i have proof and it is right in my face the person will still lie. I made a decision that when i suspect someone of lying or cheating,....that I am right. there is no point in my looking around to see if i am right or not because i already know from experience and having had the experience of checking out and snooping behind the person's back that my suspicions were correct. so i know that i can trust myself.

 

 

I decided that i would no longer snoop on anyone who i thought was cheating....i just decided to trust my gut and move on wihtout even bothering to tell the person. i know that its a waste to tell a liar and cheater that i want to move on because he will merely try to convince me not to and that like you I won't do my plans like hang out with my friends or meet new men. similar to him telling you to stay at home and work rather go out with your friends.

 

the reason he didn't want you to go with your friends is because he didn't want to take a risk that he might run into you. he also didn't want to risk you 'cheating' on him. he is very controlling and sucks the life out of you.

 

some people here may not advocate what I am about to say and you may not either....but you have to decide that you when you think someone is cheating on you....and your not married...that you WILL actively pursue the time and attention of other men. That is the only way i myself can deal with it and move on. i know that people might not agree and they might say well youshoudl talk about it first....but consider this...he didn't talk to you, did he?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by tanbark813

Given how much he lied about where he was do you really think he's telling the truth about being with a friend?

 

+1

 

I think he's cheating. Who'd like over playing pool with buddies?! Pffft, that's no big deal.

 

He's busted. And using God's name in vain to lie. Despicable.

[midori]

Originally posted by sparkle & fade

You all have such good points....you all are right of course...

 

GOOD GOD! Blue chalk?? I didnt even think of that one!! of course i could check his clothes but then again, what is the point?????? I guess i must be that bad if he is willing to go to any lengths to avoid me...maybe he was really out shopping for upgrades....

 

Wow, after lying repeatedly -- about something stupid no less -- and having the gall to tell you that he thought you should stay at home and do the laundry while he was out -- I can't think of any reason to stay with this guy.

 

You told him how much you respected him... but do you really? I would have very little respect for someone like that, especially considering how little respect he showed you.

 

Stop rationalizing why staying with him might be a still be possible, or even a good idea! Who cares if there's blue chalk dust on his clothes? What you already know ought to be enough to have you packing your bags. Or his bags.

 

Yikes.

[greenhorn]

A lot of ppl on LS think that Jealousy is bad and so is insecurity, but they fail to realise what makes one jealous ?

 

What your gut says is always and always correct. If you were feeling that your bf was cheating than he was cheating. And I think that there is no reason to believe that he was playing pool, see this, he knew that you were so mad at him and so convinced that he is lying that you went out to the office to check out. Will he now dare to say that he was out with a girl ?? even a fool will not do that. There is no logic to believe him in future also. Your love might not allow to break up with him right now , but he will cheat you and the day you will get conclusive proof and decide to breakup will hurt more than now.

 

Just think that if a person can lie to his gf for something as playing a pool with friend , will he not lie for some bigger thing as sleeping with a girl ?

 

and don't think too much about him taking the name of God in vain, ppl who cheat their 'SO' are morally and ethically depraved and have no conscience of their self.

[NiCoLe20]

i think he dressed up to pick up another girl, went out to eat, then played pool... i can be wrong but i think thats what happend... call up his friend and ask if he in fact did go with him

[d'Arthez]

What NiCoLe20 suggested might have happened, but honestly it does not make a bit of difference. He did not treat you with respect, and then he lied to you on a massive scale. I agree with midori that I can't see a single reason for you to stay in this relationship. The audacity of him to demand you do the laundry because he was supposedly working?

 

I think the best thing you can do is to forget about the guy and the relationship, and get out as quickly as possible. If you chose to do so, be brutally honest about the reasons. A letter is probably the most suitable medium for that.

[sparkle & fade]

I could call his friend, but the problem is what if he told his friend to lie??? my life in the blink of an eye as usual....

[d'Arthez]

Ask yourself first, would it really make any difference sparkle & fade?

The lie remains a lie. His behavior in the past does not change because of whatever may have transpired that evening.

 

If you do ask him, you are setting yourself up for more hurt. Either he confirms that your bf had dinner with another girl, or you will doubt the words of his friend, because his loyalty is to your bf and not to you.

[greenhorn]

A lie is lie, doesn't matter if he played pool with his friends or slept with a girl. So no need to verify again, the time is for taking action.

 

On a side note if a person can lie for playing pool, won't he lie for sleeping with a girl ??

[miss fortune]

Dont bother calling the friend, its too late. If you called the guy that very instant, it may have given you a chance to get the truth because they may not have bothered to conjure up any kind of story thinking you'd just believe that he was working the whole time.

 

Jealousy is a very hard thing to have in a relationship - its like a third person. Its the big elephant in the room with you, always taunting you to wonder if what he says is true or not.

 

Has he cheated on you, shown any signs of infedility, etc? What CAUSED you to act this way? Are you feeling guilty for not being faithful to him and perhaps you are projecting your guilt on to him?

 

I see no reason he would need to lie to play pool. In his defense, my boyfriend has gone and played for five or more hours before, but hes a pool shark so its hard to say if your man is the same way.

 

What do YOU think should happen next? You realize that now your jealousy is only going to be worse...you'll be more suspicious and he;s more likely to be decietful to avoid confrontation, regardless of what hes doing. Do you want to continue doing this horrible cycle?? I suggest you take some time apart. I know it sucks and its the last thing you want to do, but you need time to sit and think about what has caused you to become a green eyed monster (no offense) and if it is directly relative to his lying. If he loves you, he wont cheat. plain and simple. He probably has more than enough opportunities to do so, many men do actually. But its the ones who dont that are worthy of working out problems like this.

 

If you take some time apart and can reconcile and still make things work, then you know that he was just trying to avoid making you nervous with his story about work, and hopefully you can try to move past the jealousy issue.

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by miss fortune

What CAUSED you to act this way?

 

Uhhh, I think it's been clearly established that his dishonesty prompts her "jealousy". True jealousy has no basis. Jealousy that is grounded by confirmed suspicion isn't jealousy at all; it's just having good gut instincts.

[miss fortune]

Uhhh, I think it's been clearly established that his dishonesty prompts her "jealousy". True jealousy has no basis. Jealousy that is grounded by confirmed suspicion isn't jealousy at all; it's just having good gut instincts.

 

She may be jealous of other females in general, it doesnt necessarily mean HE did something to cause her to feel/act like this.

 

NOW I can see why she would be SUSPICIOUS and INSECURE, but jealousy is an entirely different topic. Jealousy can be the direct cause of being suspicious or insecure, but I'm asking if anything else happened before all this to cause her to be like this. She even said she has been having problems with it, this was just the most recent incident where she *caught* him.

 

I am not trying to argue semantics but I disagree with your comment.