How to stop reminiscing about the affair?

[Grey Cloud]

How do you stop yourself from dwelling on the 'good times' of the affair? Because let's face it, even though it ends and it all turns to crap there were still good moments, the addictive highs I guess?

 

I find myself lately in the shower or driving and I start day dreaming about past memories, conversations etc. I find I physically have to say out loud "it's over" to bring myself back to the present, back to reality.

 

Also I'm starting to enter the "one year" territory. One year ago we went out for our first drink, one year ago we shared our first kiss etc. I don't want to look at the calendar and be a slave to dates (which somehow are burnt to my memory of when things happened).

 

Anyone got any daily strategies to successfully stop the thoughts? Because just telling yourself to stop thinking about MM doesn't work.

[Adoraxx]

Good question, Grey... I'm thinking about him all the time too and I miss the moments where he was nice to me... The very few moments I should say. I'm doing my best to focus on all the bad stuff (by reading old emails where I write about him) because if I don't do that, all I can think and feel is that I miss him SO very very much........ (the 'nice' MM, that is... and like I said, most of the time he wasn't even nice to me).

 

I just wish I would feel complete indifference towards him. I still feel so very confused and that's another reason why I think about him/ it all a lot: trying to make sense out of it all... The lies he told me, the lies that I believed, what was true and what wasn't true... ugh, I hate it.

 

I hope you'll get some good advice to your question though!!

 

xx

Adoraxx

[minimariah]

one of the things that had helped me in getting over my X -- i wrote down all of the things that i dislike about him, his negative traits, things he did or said that were wrong and objective reason why we couldn't be together.

 

so everytime i got blues about good times -- i read that list.

 

so you can try that and see if it works.

[Miss Clavel]

How do you stop yourself .

 

 

 

quitting is easy. i quit my bad habits every night right before i go to sleep and i take them up again as soon as i wake up.

 

however, i have had some success with saying to myself, "dear god, if this man serves no purpose in your plan for my life, please remove him from my heart and mind", over and over and over.

 

and it worked.

 

as far as getting thru the memories/anniversaries, i recommend doing something else, something fun, that involves, whiskey and nudity.

 

good luck

[Ragnar1984]

Just from reading that little snippet from your life, it does seem that you are not truly over your affair and what has happened. The fact that you are physically having to tell yourself that it is finished just cements the idea that in your mind/heart, it really isn't.

Having an affair will always leave some sort of lasting impression in a person's life. The excitement for something new, a change from routine and an often mundane existence. Being made to feel extra special, or just being noticed, when you may have not felt like that in such a long time. Of course the thrill of such a venture will stay with you in some degree or another. The question is how deeply is it affecting your thought process? Occasionally thinking about a forbidden romp is one thing, but if you wake up every morning and go to sleep every night reminiscing about your affair then, clearly, you are struggling to move on. I am not suggesting that you should just walk away from your partner, but I think you need to address the issue, internally, and see what you really want. A year is a long time for you to still be pining and thinking about first kisses, etc. Maybe there is still a void in your current relationship that needs to be focused on. Can it be salvaged? Do you really wish to make things work with your current partner? Does your partner know how you feel? There are so many questions you need to ask yourself.

I think that things will need to change in your current relationship for you to move forward, assuming that you want to make things work. If the affair was a sexual thing, then try to suggest new things to your spouse. If it was an emotional crutch then try to make more time for your partner. If there are children involved, see if a friend or family member can help with babysitting, so that you can both get some time together. You will only get out what you decide to put in, so you will both have to work hard.

But only you can answer how you feel. If you still have feelings or love the person who was involved in the affair then be honest about it, to yourself. Trying to sweep emotions like that, under the rug, will ultimately make you unhappy in the long run. You may even start to resent your current partner, for being in an unhappy relationship. You may even justify further acts of infidelity to yourself because you are no longer satisfied. It is a can of worms and unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer to your predicament other then be true to yourself. Good luck!

[Popsicle]

Meh...eventually you just get bored because there is nothing to be had there. I find that my heart flutters about other guys now.

[jen1447]

Affair breakups are like any other breakups (just minus the sympathy), so you have to grieve them to get over them. That means acknowledge all the silly anniversaries etc. There's no way to short-circuit the process, so just do your time and eventually it all loses its power.

[OWAmy]

I always see anniversaries as good things. I view them as this - a year ago I was under a false pretence of happiness. Now I am experiencing these things free from the baggage of an affair.

 

I can't help you on this one as I'm one of those people who after something is over never reminisces about good times ... it's like there never was any after a relationship ends. I'm not sure what is worst. When people say 'keep the memories, remember the good times'...unfortunately I no longer have any. This is also an horrid way to view things!!

[privategal]

Remind yourself he is back to his routine, schedule, focused on his wife and is not doing this analyzing, reminscing, he is likely VERY forward focused.

In the marriage section a mm wrote about ending his EA (I think its titled "ended relationship with special friend..")

Read his pretty "cold" detached position toward ending it.

I think its a pretty good snapshot of how many MM feel. He isn't romanticizing it or sad per se. Hes just DONE.

They want out of the chaos, double life and drama. They just want to go back to reality and put it in the past.

My mantra when it comes to mind....."NO" then shift thoughts to some thing positive

[MissBee]

one of the things that had helped me in getting over my X -- i wrote down all of the things that i dislike about him, his negative traits, things he did or said that were wrong and objective reason why we couldn't be together.

 

so everytime i got blues about good times -- i read that list.

 

so you can try that and see if it works.

 

Agree!

 

The answer no one likes is time. That's also part of it. It's been a year, not sure if it's been NC the entire year or not (NC helps) but sometimes it takes more time to heal but with time you eventually start letting go and meeting others, starting to date (if you're ready) might also help.

 

But when you find yourself idealizing him and the good times focus on a concrete list of all that you didn't like, ways you can do better, aspects of the A you hated. Those things keep you out of a rose tinted nostalgia and help you focus on the very real reasons it didn't work out. In my difficult break ups this is what I often had to do to keep perspective

[Mayday2016]

Oh how I wish I knew. We hit our one year over Thanksgiving in November. I'm sure with Valentines Day coming up I'll be reliving the first and only we had. Remembering the day minute to minute - and I can, I can pull all the details and reminisce over it all.

 

I'm still in the phase where I'm glorifying the good times. I know in the back of my brain I could pull a moment that turns them the other way but I'm still thinking everything was great when it felt great. I'm not ready to accept the time I gave him was something else. That the time we were together wasn't how I remembered it at all. To admit the reality would make me feel stupid and crazy for not seeing at the time and I'm not ready to walk that road- a road where my blindness was part of the problem. I need my memories to be good, for myself but for the fact I have a daughter now because of exMM. I don't want to raise her thinking the basis of her existence has no love involved and just lies hurt and manipulation.

[sammy7111]

Tell your husband that will get you out of it.

[Satu]

From my journal:

 

 

"Learn to enjoy the ordinary.

 

Ordinary is good.

 

The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be.

 

Decompress."

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

snip

 

How do you stop yourself from dwelling on the 'good times' of the affair?

 

Anyone got any daily strategies to successfully *stop the thoughts? Because just telling yourself to stop thinking about MM doesn't work.

 

*Don't try to avoid your thoughts and feelings. That resistance just creates conflict and tension inside of you.

 

Allow your thoughts to come and go naturally, and do the same with your feelings.

 

Just let the thoughts come and go, like any other thoughts. As time passes the energy contained in the thoughts is exhausted.

 

What you resist, persists.

 

You get what you resist.

[Satu]

A Fixed Idea

 

What torture lurks within a single thought

When grown too constant; and however kind,

However welcome still, the weary mind

Aches with its presence. Dull remembrance taught

Remembers on unceasingly; unsought

The old delight is with us but to find

That all recurring joy is pain refined,

Become a habit, and we struggle, caught.

You lie upon my heart as on a nest,

Folded in peace, for you can never know

How crushed I am with having you at rest

Heavy upon my life. I love you so

You bind my freedom from its rightful quest.

In mercy lift your drooping wings and go.

 

- Amy Lowell

[rainbowsandkittens]

Remind yourself he is back to his routine, schedule, focused on his wife and is not doing this analyzing, reminscing, he is likely VERY forward focused.

In the marriage section a mm wrote about ending his EA (I think its titled "ended relationship with special friend..")

Read his pretty "cold" detached position toward ending it.

I think its a pretty good snapshot of how many MM feel. He isn't romanticizing it or sad per se. Hes just DONE.

They want out of the chaos, double life and drama. They just want to go back to reality and put it in the past.

My mantra when it comes to mind....."NO" then shift thoughts to some thing positive

 

do you know where that post is? i tried to find it but i can never find anything i'm searching for on here.

[privategal]

do you know where that post is? i tried to find it but i can never find anything i'm searching for on here.

 

Its under the marriage forum.

[Poppy47]

snip

 

 

 

*Don't try to avoid your thoughts and feelings. That resistance just creates conflict and tension inside of you.

 

Allow your thoughts to come and go naturally, and do the same with your feelings.

 

Just let the thoughts come and go, like any other thoughts. As time passes the energy contained in the thoughts is exhausted.

 

What you resist, persists.

 

You get what you resist.

Exactly.

 

Let the memories ebb and flow naturally.

 

You would grieve for anybody in that way, why not this relationship.

You don't stop thinking about it just because there is no contact.

 

Poppy.

[Forceawakensme]

Its under the marriage forum.

 

 

This thread recommendation literally saved me from breaking NC. Just hearing that guy's perspective makes me resolve to NEVER break NC... no matter what. Thanks PG!!

[Grey Cloud]

This thread recommendation literally saved me from breaking NC. Just hearing that guy's perspective makes me resolve to NEVER break NC... no matter what. Thanks PG!!

 

I can't find the thread either? What is the MM name and maybe I can search it that way?

[Grey Cloud]

Just found it. Interesting to get the MM perspective. It's almost like they decide it's time to move on and then they just go ahead and do it and make it happen. As he said "don't look back".

[carhill]

Anyone got any daily strategies to successfully stop the thoughts? Because just telling yourself to stop thinking about MM doesn't work.

 

Sure, today is today and it's OK to have thoughts about a past affair. Don't fight it. Accept it, process it and move on. Tomorrow is another day. I learned that tool in MC. It's an emotion processing tool.

 

The goal is indifference. I think of the process as a pendulum without a mainspring. It swings and swings and gradually, over time, settles on the midpoint and motion ends. Indifference of movement.

[lftbehind]

This thread recommendation literally saved me from breaking NC. Just hearing that guy's perspective makes me resolve to NEVER break NC... no matter what. Thanks PG!!

 

That's true it does make you not want to break NC. It also makes you wonder if the A meant anything to them. You are reminiscing, but do they do it also?

[Grey Cloud]

That's true it does make you not want to break NC. It also makes you wonder if the A meant anything to them. You are reminiscing, but do they do it also?

 

I really don't think they do. I think they compartmentalise things, put things away in a box and move on. Once they make a decision they move forwards very quickly. As much as they enjoyed the A at the time I think for some they want to move away from the drama. For my MM his wife got suspicious and it got to the point she was watching him like a hawk every time he texted or emailed (even if it was his own friends). She also kept saying "what's going on, you look dodgy, are you having an affair". The double life became too much for him, it wasn't enjoyable anymore and he said to me he just needs to act "normal" at home - not secretive or protecting his phone. Once he made up his mind he moved on pretty quickly with that decision. Not like me still reminiscing etc. just before it ended I was talking to him about one particular occasion we were together (only 2 months ago). He said "jeez, that's right, that seems like SO long ago". It was a memory for him that had been and gone and he never dwelled on it again. He had already "forgotten".

[Lovetoohard]

Men in general tend to process breakups differently than women. It's not that they forget about emotions and memories and march on like nothing ever happened, it's just that they are focused on on a particular goal and fade out all of the background noise to focus on that goal. They may have moments of weakness (i.e. XMM reaching out), but I think they better able to snap out of it and refocus on the goal at hand.

 

There is nothing wrong with reminiscing. It wasn't all doom and gloom. after all, there was something positive about this person that got you hooked in the first place. That said, it's important to never forget that it was a dead end.

 

Focus on yourself and your needs. make yourself a nice meal. Get your nails done. Try salsa dancing. Go out for a long run. Do anything that makes you feel good.