In a rut 😔

[minimariah]

Honestly I'm the happiest I have ever been!! Obviously I have my down moments when I want to be with him and can't but in general he makes me very happy

 

if that's the truth -- where is the need to move on coming from? where is the need to change something coming from? if you're the happiest you've ever been - isn't it only natural to try to KEEP that level of happiness by keeping the source and by STAYING in the situation that makes you so incredibly happy?

 

but here you are - trying to figure out your way out because... why? because you want a serious relationship - if that's correct; that means your need for a serious relationship triumphs your wish to stay the happiest you've ever been -- how do you explain that?

Edited February 8, 2016 by minimariah

[PickledHead]

Because I know it can't end well

[minimariah]

Because I know it can't end well

 

in that case, that's a very bittersweet happiness.

 

there is really NO chance of the two of you being together & him leaving his wife - like, NONE? at all?

[Satu]

OP:

 

 

Are you really satisfied by having a timeshare lover?

 

Would you not rather have a man all for yourself?

 

 

Not a trick question.

[Gigi2015]

Because I know it can't end well

 

Ok Pickles this is what to do: Find out where his going with his wife...show up. See how he behaves towards you...it'll help make it clear for you. When do you really get to have him...weekends, holidays, nights, birthdays? Or--only when he can throw a crumb? Also--MM don't behave differently often unless you expect more or draw a line....but in this case he's already told you he won't leave. The more invested you become, the more pain there will be in the future.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Gigi2015

[PickledHead]

Of course I would much prefer to have him full time however at the start it suited me - I feel we spend a lot of time together tho. He makes an effort to give me time both in person and by other means

 

I have been in their company a couple of times by accident. He spoke to me, he was respectful and I left more so as I felt it was awkward for his friends also.

 

I would be happy for it to continue as it is but I fear he will be caught and also I know I will eventually want to settle down and therefore don't want to look back on wasted years. I don't want to lose him in any way, I just feel it will be for the best soon

[minimariah]

I would be happy for it to continue as it is but I fear he will be caught...

 

there is this strong but subtle contradiction in your thought process & posts -- on one hand, he is the love of your life. the man you can't go NC with, the man you have this... once in a lifetime kind of connection with. the man who makes you incredibly happy. on the other hand, well... you created this thread. you think there is no happy ending for the two of you and you're planning your exit -- so... you're not able to go NC with him but at the same time, you don't want him to get caught and you want to settle down with someone who obviously won't be him. he makes you the happies you've ever been but at the same time; you want MORE and you're not satisfied being the OW for the rest of your life.

 

how does one go with the other?

 

there is strong contradiction in his actions, too - on one hand, he doesn't want to leave his marriage for legit reasons and doesn't want to hurt his wife; on the other hand, he couldn't care less about who sees you together in public or knows about you as a couple. he just doesn't act like a man who is doing everything in his power to keep his life together.

 

I don't consider the relationship we have to be shallow.

 

what is the substance of your relationship? you don't challenge him on his views on love & relationships; you don't seem to challenge him on this, for example:

 

What he is doing is not in his nature whatsoever, he is a good man who has got caught up in something he didn't plan on.

 

people find themselves having an affair, for sure. that doesn't mean they're bad people. most of them try to keep it as quiet as possible out of respect for their spouse and their family; the ones who actually do love their spouses on this or that way.

 

with your MM... there is a very strong sadistic note in the way he carries on with the affair; it's VERY public and affairs like that are usually a very direct act against the spouse: the result of some kind of resentment.

 

it's hard to believe you didn't notice that and if you did - did you ever address it? this is the man you're in love with; you should be interested in his emotions, feelings, views on life and love and his life choices: that includes being interested in why he does the things he does... not just with or to you, but in relationships with other people. that part seems to be entirely missing in your relationship which is why the affair seems immature and shallow in its core.

 

...we are compatable on every level...

 

what about this level?

 

...but I think he Truley believes that what she doesn't know won't hurt her whereas if she does know then obviously it will. I have my own opinion on that so I don't need to be told that it is nonsense...

[Gigi2015]

Of course I would much prefer to have him full time however at the start it suited me - I feel we spend a lot of time together tho. He makes an effort to give me time both in person and by other means

 

I have been in their company a couple of times by accident. He spoke to me, he was respectful and I left more so as I felt it was awkward for his friends also.

 

I would be happy for it to continue as it is but I fear he will be caught and also I know I will eventually want to settle down and therefore don't want to look back on wasted years. I don't want to lose him in any way, I just feel it will be for the best soon

 

 

It's different in front of the wife....that's my point...read Iabout D-day and what happens!!! I'm not talking about being respectful around colleagues. I mean them dropping you like a hot potatoe on D-day. He's ALREADY told you he'll never leave his wife. My guess in front of her you wouldn't exist. If you don't realize this or refuse to accept you'll be in a lot of pain in the future. The faster you clarify how much you really mean to him, the better. Go ahead and make demands of him and see what happens....the connection IS NOT mutual unless he feels the same way about you(with actions of course...not just words)

Edited February 8, 2016 by Gigi2015

[PickledHead]

I did exist in front of her, as I said I was uncomfortable with the situation so removed myself. As I said on an earlier post, there have been a number of suspicions over the course. He hasn't dropped me like a 'hot potato' and I don't envisage he would. However anyone that has been, probably never thought they would either so who knows. I obviously don't get him all the times I want like overnights all the time but he makes sure we see each other and we get quality time together. This is daily, weekends, birthdays, Xmas ect

 

MiniMariah - I do challenge him on things he does. I don't understand a lot of his actions. I think he is completely confused as to how we got here himself. I don't claim to be part of a big love story - all I can say is how I feel about him. Rightly or wrongly I haven't felt this way about someone and that's what makes the NC idea difficult. This is someone I speak to first thing in the morning, last thing at night and see on a daily basis - to turn around an stop that dead would be a challenge to say the least.

 

He doesn't sit and tell me how he feels about his wife and his marriage but I know his circumstances and for that reason I would never ask him to leave. If I made demands on him I don't know how that would pan out but it's not something I would risk doing to him.

 

I haven't gone in to the ins an outs of our relationship as I'm sure it's things people will have heard a million times from other OW. We do however have the same interests, the same humour and great chemistry! That doesn't mean I have to share the same opinions as him on things. I didn't come here to evaluate me and him as I know the responses I would get - and would probably give the same.

 

I don't want to move on from him, he genuinly makes me happy! However I know the time has to come one way or another. I don't think he will ever end it (I could be proved wrong in the blink of an eye according to things I have read on here) and as I don't want to end it by choice I feel trying to move on may be my only way. I came here to get advice on how people move on when they have these feelings for someone else, feelings they can't Freely admit! And I appreciate the advice I have been given.

[Gigi2015]

I did exist in front of her, as I said I was uncomfortable with the situation so removed myself. As I said on an earlier post, there have been a number of suspicions over the course. He hasn't dropped me like a 'hot potato' and I don't envisage he would. However anyone that has been, probably never thought they would either so who knows. I obviously don't get him all the times I want like overnights all the time but he makes sure we see each other and we get quality time together. This is daily, weekends, birthdays, Xmas ect

 

MiniMariah - I do challenge him on things he does. I don't understand a lot of his actions. I think he is completely confused as to how we got here himself. I don't claim to be part of a big love story - all I can say is how I feel about him. Rightly or wrongly I haven't felt this way about someone and that's what makes the NC idea difficult. This is someone I speak to first thing in the morning, last thing at night and see on a daily basis - to turn around an stop that dead would be a challenge to say the least.

 

He doesn't sit and tell me how he feels about his wife and his marriage but I know his circumstances and for that reason I would never ask him to leave. If I made demands on him I don't know how that would pan out but it's not something I would risk doing to him.

 

I haven't gone in to the ins an outs of our relationship as I'm sure it's things people will have heard a million times from other OW. We do however have the same interests, the same humour and great chemistry! That doesn't mean I have to share the same opinions as him on things. I didn't come here to evaluate me and him as I know the responses I would get - and would probably give the same.

 

I don't want to move on from him, he genuinly makes me happy! However I know the time has to come one way or another. I don't think he will ever end it (I could be proved wrong in the blink of an eye according to things I have read on here) and as I don't want to end it by choice I feel trying to move on may be my only way. I came here to get advice on how people move on when they have these feelings for someone else, feelings they can't Freely admit! And I appreciate the advice I have been given.

 

My point is the wife is still first around you. You still have to HIDE!! He's told you He CHOOSES HIS WIFE as he told you he WONT leave her.

[Gigi2015]

Of course I would much prefer to have him full time however at the start it suited me -

 

Well...since then he's told you he'll never leave his wife so---

[PickledHead]

I'm not really sure what your point is there sorry?

 

I didn't have to hide? I felt uncomfortable for the situation that his friends faced more then anything! I chose to leave which really wasn't a big deal

 

You keep reiterating he won't leave - I haven't anywhere suggested that he might.

[Satu]

OP:

 

On the surface you say you're happy.

 

Underneath the surface, you are clearly anxious and conflicted.

 

You don't have to wear a smiley face.

[PickledHead]

I can't deny being conflicted!! Had I known it was going to end up like this I wouldn't have gone down this route.

 

I am happy tho - he makes me happy! my problem isn't the here and now, it's knowing that the unhappy part has to come. In time will the current happiness make up for whatever I will go through - only time will tell!

[minimariah]

I didn't come here to evaluate me and him as I know the responses I would get - and would probably give the same.

 

shame -- i think it would help you move on from him; hearing how others view him and his behavior.

[Popsicle]

Your feelings deceive you. He is not "the one" for you.

 

You fell for the wrong guy.

[sandylee1]

He's the love of YOUR life.. ....BUT you're not the love of HIS life. If you were..he'd be with you minus any excuses or reasons he comes up with.

 

I see this affair going on for years to come....because in his eyes...He's got an attractive woman in you who accepts being the second lady in his wife with no complaints. You've accepted his reasons and he takes advantage of that.

 

Your love for him will cause you so much agony.

 

You will be dumped if there's a dday...no question about that. You were around his wife They but she didn't know you were her HUSBAND'S GF. When she knows.....he'll go NC and you'll feel devastated.

[PickledHead]

He won't ever go NC - I know that for definate. That's not to say he won't ever end it in its current state, I'm not naive enough to think that but definately won't go NC

 

its not I have fell for his reasons - he doesnt give me reasons as I don't ask. I knew his circumstances at the beginning and I'm not about to change the rules now. As I have said I don't want him ruining his life for me and whilst I can't explain that in detail, he would be if he just up and left.

 

I'm not sure how it's got onto the topic of his feelings towards me as that wasn't the intention of the post. I appreciate where you are all coming from but that for me isnt something I'm struggling with at the minute. I would like to get your opinions on the relationship itself but whilst I can't post specifics, I can't give you the background to paint a fair picture

 

I will take minimariah advice of giving online dating a go and see how that goes

[imsosad]

Pickle,

You say youre happy and i believe you. There is also an undertone of sadness and frustration. Its only natural. Duality in an affair is no surprise.

Can you be happy this way long term?

I think you are have your Special Snowflake glasses on and you see everthing through them.

He did not drop you because he didnt get found out. Yet.

How did he not get found out,when his wife was suspicious?

Becuse he lied,and was very good at it.

When she does find out,what do you think will happen?

Read on this board and see that abrupt break ups are all too common in affairs.

You say he will not drop you. What will he do?

I get the feeling your AP is quite practiced. I mean to carry on such a long affir, be public about it, fend off his wifes suspicions, talk to you in front of her...doesnt seem like a first timer to me.

I know,pickle! Youre going to say that this has never happened to him, he never meant fir this ro happen, hes such a great guy, so much integrity, hes so caring and loving.

Right now,he is meeting your needs,but i doubt he will in the long run.

You cant live without him, but he can live without you,right?

I think you have a distorted view of this man. I would also guess that the forbidden part is making it even more romantic.

How can we say all these things when we dont you either you or him?

Because many of us have been there, and what you describe is a run of the mill cake eating affair in his part. So many of these great romantic affairs are.

Have you read a bit about affair fog?

I found that gathering data, knowing my statistics and understanding the dynamics of affairs helped me deal with affair fog and enabled me to make goid decisions.

[ChickiePops]

Why do you think being with you would ruin his life? Why do you think so poorly of yourself that you don't think you deserve beffer than this?

 

This is not love.

[Hip Pocket]

PickledHead,

 

I skimmed through the first page and am having a hard time with the lack of support you are receiving. I've been doing this a long time and have overcome many of the stereotypes about affairs that I am seeing here. Had I found a site like this when my A first started I think I might have been scared away. Maybe that's a goal for some but I hope not.

 

First, wondering how his W feels is none of your concern; it's his. Entirely. Second, I don't know any OW who worship the ground their M men walk on so I suspect that you don't either. When we love someone we honor them, just as any W honors her H, so why would it be any different in an EMR? Affairs are not fantasyland, their in our land, the real world, only just a little more discreet.

 

I for one enjoy the discretion. Nobody at work bothers me about my guy whereas all the M ladies are in each other's business about what their H's are doing all of the time. I wonder what these people would be doing if they didn't have a M partner in their lives to talk about, lol. I just get my work done and smile knowing that I get to see my guy after work and nobody questions me about it and I'm keeping it that way.

 

You've been in love before, M even, so you understand a special thing when you see it. Only you know what feels right and it's up to you to figure out why the universe brought you two together. It may not last forever, but the sooner you renounce the stereotypes and judgments (even your own), the sooner this R will make sense to you. And this IS a R.

 

So listen to your instincts and ask your guy to listen to his and together you'll be able to figure out how to move forward whether that's separately or together.

 

One last thought. All these prophesies and premonitions about MM dumping you on a D day, of him having no integrity, and of you making the wrong decision...don't let anyone tell you how your story ends. Not all guys who step out are conniving villains. They're just figuring out stuff as they go, like why did they M a woman when they weren't ready, or were too young, or whatever. A lot of these guys are looking for answers just as you are. Believe in that.

Edited February 9, 2016 by Pocket

[lftbehind]

PickledHead,

 

I skimmed through the first page and am having a hard time with the lack of support you are receiving. I've been doing this a long time and have overcome many of the stereotypes about affairs that I am seeing here. Had I found a site like this when my A first started I think I might have been scared away. Maybe that's a goal for some but I hope not.

 

First, wondering how his W feels is none of your concern; it's his. Entirely. Second, I don't know any OW who worship the ground their M men walk on so I suspect that you don't either. When we love someone we honor them, just as any W honors her H, so why would it be any different in an EMR? Affairs are not fantasyland, their in our land, the real world, only just a little more discreet.

 

I for one enjoy the discretion. Nobody at work bothers me about my guy whereas all the M ladies are in each other's business about what their H's are doing all of the time. I wonder what these people would be doing if they didn't have a M partner in their lives to talk about, lol. I just get my work done and smile knowing that I get to see my guy after work and nobody questions me about it and I'm keeping it that way.

 

You've been in love before, M even, so you understand a special thing when you see it. Only you know what feels right and it's up to you to figure out why the universe brought you two together. It may not last forever, but the sooner you renounce the stereotypes and judgments (even your own), the sooner this R will make sense to you. And this IS a R.

 

So listen to your instincts and ask your guy to listen to his and together you'll be able to figure out how to move forward whether that's separately or together.

 

One last thought. All these prophesies and premonitions about MM dumping you on a D day, of him having no integrity, and of you making the wrong decision...don't let anyone tell you how your story ends. Not all guys who step out are conniving villains. They're just figuring out stuff as they go, like why did they M a woman when they weren't ready, or were too young, or whatever. A lot of these guys are looking for answers just as you are. Believe in that.

 

We're offering support to for the OP to do the right thing for herself. Many of us have learned the hard way about the pain of an affair for everyone involved. A large majority of them follow similar patterns and endings, unfortunately. As aren't real life, you don't have the AP when you want or need them a lot of the time. They're not truly there for you when they go home to someone else and spend their lives with them. It's a no-win situation most of the time. And most of the time, no matter how well you get along with them and how special your relationship is, they will never leave their spouse. And they will dump you and maybe throw you under the bus when it threatens their real life, because that's their priority most of the time. You will be a casualty and they'll move on. Sad but true.

[Miss Clavel]

I for one enjoy the discretion. Nobody at work bothers me about my guy whereas all the M ladies are in each other's business about what their H's are doing all of the time. I wonder what these people would be doing if they didn't have a M partner in their lives to talk about, lol. I just get my work done and smile knowing that I get to see my guy after work and nobody questions me about it and I'm keeping it that way.

 

how is he your "guy"?

[Gloria_Smellons]

Hey Pickle,

 

I would suggest the affair I had was in some way 'similar' to yours... in that I knew he wasn't leaving and to his credit he never said he would, and for a time my affair suited me (ethics aside).

 

Until it didn't.

 

Maybe he changed, maybe I did, I'm not sure it even matters, but I knew that I wanted more. I wanted someone I could be with in a fully honest way, not just through the stolen moments and fantasy living, but also the 'real stuff'. Someone to do the routine, boring, every day stuff that makes up real life. Every day with MM felt like a holiday (admittedly I didn't see him as regularly as you see yours), and whilst that was good for a while, maybe I just grew up.

 

I'd always known going into it that this arrangement had a sell by date, I just wasn't sure when it was. Once I realised I had begun to want out... I didn't feel like I could cut the cord either. How could I go from having this person in my life every day to never speaking again? It felt like trying to go from getting up out of my seat to scaling a mountain. It felt impossible.

 

But, I did it. I actually don't know how long it's been since we last spoke (I deliberately don't keep track) but it's been nearly a year I think.

 

I'll tell you what worked for me personally, but really you just have to wait until you know you're ready and then find your own groove. There's no magic bullet and although I am in general a NC advocate, one solution doesn't always fit all.

 

Before I went NC I started withdrawing emotionally... i.e. We spoke (by speak I mean text just FYI) every day and whenever I had news, or amusing anecdotes, he would be the one I wanted to talk to first. I drafted in a friend (bless her) and started just offloading on her - sometimes on an hourly basis - just so I wouldn't text him. I didn't just stop texting him overnight, but I started by not texting him as often. Then I would text him about 'lighter' subjects rather than anything emotional/sex related and gradually got less and less 'personal' with him.

 

Before I knew it I had managed to go an entire night without texting him, Given that we used to text for at least 3-4 hours a night this was a big deal to me. Then one day, I was ready, and I just stopped.

 

That was it. I think because we'd already had the conversation that I knew we were going to end at some point (and I had also told him I had zero intention of being 'friends' with him when it finally did end) he didn't resist. I'm very grateful for that because that helped me immensely.

 

I have a boyfriend now, it's early days but things are going well. It doesn't feel the same... it's better

 

Good luck.

[Maddieandtae]

Pickle I'm not so sure online dating is the way to go. Just my opinion of course but I'm thinking it could conflict you further by bringing another person into the mix while your feelings are so strong for the married man. Have you thought about counselling to see if there are reasons other than married man that are keeping you in a rut? I do believe you love this man but sometimes people just want what they want at the expense of others and I just feel it's unfair to you and of course his wife. Secrets are soul destroying:(

 

When my ex-husband was in his affair his friends knew and they knew me. Nobody told me and it wasn't because they didn't like me, I'm assuming though because his frienships were his first and that's where their loyalties lied plus I think their commitment morals were just like his! Funny how once I knew they knew I thought less of the whole lot of them:)

 

Something also to think about is how many years you will see this go on for,

I have a friend who has been with an married man for ten years and it's eating her up into bitterness which is so sad. Think about you and where you see your future!