I feel like at any moment the ball is going to drop.

[strangegirl]

Just a note before you read this that I am a longtime Depression sufferer, and if you do not have experience with that or with people who go through that, then your comments might not make sense.

 

Hi. So I am new here. I used to lurk many years ago when I was going through a hard break-up. My current problems seem to have quite a bit to do with what I experienced in my past relationship (he was in love with someone he couldn't have, and everytime she came back into town he would get distant, snappy, etc. He even had her sleeping on his couch at some point, though I trust that he never cheated on me physically). Anyway, so my current boyfriend doesn't have that problem. We've been together 4 years and he doesn't seem to regret it in any way. He says he loves me, is still attracted to me, etc. I think, however, due to what happened in my last relationship (which lasted 8 years but was miserable through all of it except the first year or so) I'm pretty much unable to trust what he says to me. He thinks it's partly because of my depression, but I don't think it's that simple. I feel like that long relationship had imprinted things onto me that weren't there prior. Like, I was far more trusting, open, friendly and non-critical prior to dating him. Not the case now. I'm constantly afraid of being cheated on, being left for someone else, etc. To rewind a bit, this was not that much of a problem in my relationship until I found out that my boyfriend looks at porn sometimes and sometimes fantasizes about other women. I don't know if you guys know what a demisexual is, but I feel more like a demi than a regular sexual person. I honestly do not understand how porn can be fun. I can't see why anyone would want to sleep with a person they aren't in love with (except maybe to try to get over someone they ARE in love with). To me it's all very feely. And I'm not saying that I'm conservative in any way, because in all areas of my life, I'm not. But I'm unable to feel at ease by the porn thing, especially since he says things so frankly, like about how this is the first time he's been attracted to a girlfriend for 4 years, and he usually stops caring or being attracted to them after a year or two. Things like that make me feel like at any moment everything is going to flip. The rest of my life is honestly not in good shape, so I do feel a bit ... dependent on this working out better. I don't know. He's been reassuring before. He's said even if he ever did develop a crush on someone else, he'd remember how much he cares about me. And that just because he watches porn doesn't mean he walks around wanting to sleep with women all day, and that is not something he does.

 

So I guess my fears are just that at any moment he is going to stop being attracted to me, fall for someone else, etc. and topple our life. Or, he is going to be attracted to someone else/fall for them, and not leave me, but then doing what my ex did which was act resentful towards me for not being the other girl. Mostly I'm afraid of being that devastated again. It took 2.5 years to get over my ex, and most of that time was spent drunk and crying. My current bf found me in that shape and sort of helped me feel better. But not that much better since I still have depression (which I am trying to work through).

 

Anyway, any comments or insights or ideas about what I can do to stop feeling this way, or to maybe not feel like it would be the end of the world if it were to happen, or something, or to stop having panic attacks & want to cut up my arms whenever I think he might be watching porn...

[Space Ritual]

I do know a bit of where you are coming from.

 

I sure can appreciate you feeling like the 8 year relationship took a toll on you.

 

 

The thing about being Demisexual is that you are predicating everything on the emotional bond. So when that emotional bond is not adhered to by the other party, then obviously you're going to feel somewhat shattered. From what little i know about Demisexuality, it would seem that it would be an exercise in futility because the partner would have to probably be Demisexual too in order for it to work. That is a tough standard to live up to under any circumstance. And the partner that is not Demisexual will tend to feel like they are being smothered. So in many ways it is easy to see why those type of relationships end poorly.

 

My only advice I can even throw out there is to see an IC that has some specialty in Demisexual issues. Most IC's probably have no idea what it is and would give you a cookie cutter response to grow up or some other sort of thing like that. Maybe there are other Demis that will come along here and give you some decent advice. I just wanted to let you know you've been heard.

[strangegirl]

Thanks for replying. Space Ritual is a great record

 

I'm trying to find a new psychologist, so maybe I will speak about this. It helped to write it out, in any case. I believe my thoughts less when I can trace things back to why I'm feeling this way.

[Space Ritual]

Hopefully you will find some answers.

 

And I am a bit of a Hawkwind fanatic lol. There seems to be so few of us left in the States. I consider Space Ritual to be the greatest Live album ever recorded. It was the album that changed my life as a kid.