I am so mean to my mom over her smoking

[nauticalpoem]

I am a 22 year old female who is currently living back at home with my parents while I look for a job post graduation.

 

My mom is the sweetest lady you'll ever meet. She babysits practically for free for people in our community that can't afford child care and has been a mother to many. Her life isn't glorious; she grew up poor and under educated. But she kindness truly makes her a special person.

 

I love her SO much. Too much maybe.

 

She has smoked cigs for ever. And I have spent my entire life beginning her to quit. She wants to, but hasn't figured out how to. Regularly I yell things at her about how she needs to quit smoking or she won't be alive to see my wedding or be around for my children. Or I'll tell her that I'm embarrassed to introduce any future boyfriend because she looks so old and unhealthy. Every

time she walks by I tell her she smells bad and to get away.

 

All of these things are true.

 

On top of her smoking she already suffers from fibermyalgia and severe arthritis. She is 60 which is older than most of my friend's parents.

 

I don't want to hurt her feelings but I am really concerned and upset. I don't want to be mean to her but these are all genuine worries of mine. It's easier to act angry than cry.

 

I feel like a terrible person. Any similar experiences or advice?

[Whoknew30]

At 22 you should be mature enough to not talk to your mother this way. I understand concern but smoking is probably one of the hardest addictions to break. Your mom sounds like a wonderful loving person to help so many people out & you should respect her. Let's say she did die, you'll never forgive yourself for speaking to her this way, you'll have to live with that & you don't want to ever be in that position. At the end of day wether or not you respect her smoking, she's your parent & not the other way around, there are plenty of ways to speak to a parent about there problems without having to disrespect them.

 

Honestly, you need to grow up & stop acting like a teenager throwing a fit. Say sorry, hug/kiss her & remember no one is perfect, including parents.

[carhill]

Consider transmuting worry into something other than anger.

 

 

Both my parents smoked and I grew up in the blue haze of unfiltered cigarettes, as did most of my friends as a kid. Adults made adult choices and accepted adult consequences. Some quit and some didn't. Some died young and some didn't. Overall, I didn't see a marked correlation.

 

IMO, try something other than being mean.

[Satu]

*Regularly I yell things at her about how she needs to quit smoking or she won't be alive to see my wedding or be around for my children. Or I'll tell her that I'm embarrassed to introduce any future boyfriend because she looks so old and unhealthy. Every

time she walks by I tell her she smells bad and to get away.

 

 

A word of advice:

 

*Treat harsh speech as if it is the most deadly of all poisons. Do not speak harshly to anyone. Ever. It is poisonous to the soul and the heart, and those words can never be unsaid.

 

There is always a better, kinder, option.

 

Be respectful even when you're angry.

[Tayla]

Op, I can respect your concerns . And truly I think your goal is to keep your Mom around To share such monumental moments in your life and hers. I'm sorry you are struggling with ways to convey this in a polite manner. It does get frustrating doesn't it?

 

The fact you know you are speaking unkindly is a step to change. You can possibly do a few things while living in her home. Ask her to open windows to lower the fumes, step outside, or even get her a smoke eliminator machine. The real issue though is her health, and the soul is a hard thing to mend when unkind words are cast upon it.

 

Hug your mom, and know that she is aware of her habit. I genuinely think you care, do so though with a soft voice.

[TeddyBeer]

And you should be! I have been a smoker for 7 years. My aunt got diagnosed with lung cancer and I just quit. She never smoked much, she exercised, she was a good person (she took care of the mentally disabled all of her working life). If a person like my aunt can get lung cancer, no one is safe. And the worst is: in most cases it is a self inflicted cancer, which can be prevented.

 

And I quit, it was the hardest thing I ever did I tell you. All of my family smokes, I have never been so cranky, I have never been so tired, without a smoke. And I ate so much. Gained 8lbs then. But if you want her to see her grandchildren grow up, keep on being mean. Keep on telling her that she will die from smoking and how sad you'll be that your children will never now their grandmother etc.

[basil67]

Well yes, you are showing terrible behaviour so I'm not surprised you feel bad.

 

She's an adult and even if you don't like like her choices, you need to respect them. I'm sure she would have quit if she was able.

[nauticalpoem]

For everyone that thinks I am disrespectful of my mom: I have more respect for her than anyone else in the world. Quietly letting her do whatever without intervention does not equal respect. As an adult I can talk with my mom about life changes she should make. My mom understands why I get upset over her smoking, and it certainly isn't because I disrespect her. This issue is hard to deal with without getting angry over.

 

Yes she "knows" she should quit without me saying anything. But I am extremely close to her and there is no way I am going to be passive on the issue.

 

I was wondering if there is anyone who has struggled with similar communication with a family member.

[BettyDraper]

Op, I can respect your concerns . And truly I think your goal is to keep your Mom around To share such monumental moments in your life and hers. I'm sorry you are struggling with ways to convey this in a polite manner. It does get frustrating doesn't it?

 

The fact you know you are speaking unkindly is a step to change. You can possibly do a few things while living in her home. Ask her to open windows to lower the fumes, step outside, or even get her a smoke eliminator machine. The real issue though is her health, and the soul is a hard thing to mend when unkind words are cast upon it.

 

Hug your mom, and know that she is aware of her habit. I genuinely think you care, do so though with a soft voice.

 

This. I think people should be polite and kind to their parents even when parents have made mistakes.

 

My mother loved to eat too much candy when I was growing up. When she would ask me to get her candy from the store, sometimes I would say "No. You eat too much candy, Mom." I never shouted or said rude things because that was unnecessary and I certainly didn't want to get slapped.

[Methodical]

There's a ginormous difference between encouraging your mom to quit smoking bc you love her and berating/humiliating her - telling her you are embarrassed by her.

 

You are a smart, outgoing young woman who has faced her own demons and conquered some Major hurdles and for that, I commend you . Given your current self-image assessment, I'd think you'd be a little more sympathetic toward your mother. As I stated in another thread, you are gorgeous and have a lot to offer. It would be nice if you offered encouragement and support to help your mother quit smoking rather than yelling at her and tossing around insults that probably hurt her feelings more than she lets on. Some scars are visible while others, such as emotional scars, are invisible, yet they have the same affect.

 

The following are going to be hard questions that aren't meant to hurt you so please stop reading here if you don't want some hardcore truthful questions asked. And I don't expect you to actually answer them on the forum. These questions are merely points for you to ponder.

 

 

*Did she berate you when you were overweight? Yell at you for carrying excessive weight?

*Did she tell you that you were an embarrassment?

*Did she hide you from her friends?

 

You have a mother with a kind heart. Take it from someone who can't say the same, there are a lot worse things your mother could do, so love her while you have her.

[Methodical]

I just saw your subsequent post.

 

Is she a candidate chantex(sp?)?

 

How about switching to an e cig and gradually tapering down the nicotine level until she can quit?

[Art_Critic]

Let's say she did die, you'll never forgive yourself for speaking to her this way,

 

I used to follow my Step Mother around and put out her cigarettes when I was a teenager and she got so pissed she called a family meeting with my Dad so I would stop it, she passed away when she was 59 from Lung Cancer directly related to cigarette smoking, about 15 years after my Dad passed away from Cancer related to cigarette smoking...

 

Had she heeded some warning from what she was doing to her body and her teenaged son taking issue with it and quit she would be ALIVE today..

 

Take it how you want but IMO just because a parent is a parent doesn't mean the child can't take issue with cigarette smoking, the real life and true hazards of smoking are well documented and real.

 

JMO...

[BettyDraper]

For everyone that thinks I am disrespectful of my mom: I have more respect for her than anyone else in the world. Quietly letting her do whatever without intervention does not equal respect. As an adult I can talk with my mom about life changes she should make. My mom understands why I get upset over her smoking, and it certainly isn't because I disrespect her. This issue is hard to deal with without getting angry over.

 

Yes she "knows" she should quit without me saying anything. But I am extremely close to her and there is no way I am going to be passive on the issue.

 

I was wondering if there is anyone who has struggled with similar communication with a family member.

 

You are being aggressive. Respect involves assertive communication.

There are ways to intervene without being rude and harsh. There's nothing wrong with being upset that your mother smokes but you are not handling it in a diplomatic manner.

 

Your mother struggles with health problems, she's very kind and this is how you are speaking to her? Telling her that you are ashamed of how she looks is uncalled for.

 

Go for a walk with your mother. Tell her that you love her so much and you're sorry for the way you have spoken to her about her smoking. Explain to your mother that you are worried about her health. Ask her to quit and tell her that you will help. Tell your mother that you will buy nicotine gum for her and help her find a support group for smoking cessation.

[Methodical]

Nautical,

 

Betty's post jogged my memory. I think there's a free smoking program. I think it's stopsmoking.gov or smokefree.gov. Google free smoking programs. If I'm not mistaking, they have professional medical coaches and such. Maybe some of these suggestions will help.

[amaysngrace]

If she wants to quit there is a wealth of information online for tips that work and ways that can help make quitting more bearable.

 

I would be kind to her though. I just lost my mom to lung cancer last month and no matter what I wouldn't shame her for the choices she made.

 

You're not perfect either but she is nice to you anyway. Remember that.

 

 

 

I'm Ready to Quit! | Quit Smoking | Tips From Former Smokers | CDC

[basil67]

For everyone that thinks I am disrespectful of my mom: I have more respect for her than anyone else in the world. Quietly letting her do whatever without intervention does not equal respect. As an adult I can talk with my mom about life changes she should make.

 

Problem is, you aren't talking with your mom - you're abusing her. There's a difference.

 

Frankly, I think that 'respect' and 'verbal abuse' are a contradiction in terms. I suggest that you rethink what respect means.

[basil67]

Let's try another angle: Abusing a person in order to get what you want rarely has the desired effect.

 

Have you talked with her about her efforts to quit? Does she want to quit? If so, what does she struggle with? You'd be far better listening and supporting her (when she's ready) than just abusing her.

[playlislay]

I'm a 30 year old daughter of a 60 year old mother who is dying of COPD and emphysema. She is in the last stage of the disease. Her lungs are now so damaged that she won't be able to be resuscitated when she gets another bad chest infection - do you know how scary and utterly devastating that is to hear? That's my mum. It is literally killing me knowing that she won't be around anymore. And yet she STILL wants to smoke! She's currently laying in hospital hooked up to an oxygen tank, desperate to go out for a cigarette.

 

Her chest rattles, she gasps for air between each word she speaks, and turns purple when she coughs. She's basically dying through suffocation. And what I also learnt was that once your lungs were that damaged, they start to retain the CO2, making the body very acidic.

 

Anyway, the point of the post is that it is not a pretty way to go. I would give anything to have had the ability to show Mum her future - I'm sure she would've stopped years ago!

 

Don't lose your mum like I'm losing mine. Help her quit. X

[Phoebe]

Regularly I yell things at her about how she needs to quit smoking or she won't be alive to see my wedding or be around for my children. Or I'll tell her that I'm embarrassed to introduce any future boyfriend because she looks so old and unhealthy. Every time she walks by I tell her she smells bad and to get away.

 

Wow. My mum also smoked and she died from cancer when she was 46. I would love to have had more time with her but I really think that you are going about things the wrong way. It sounds like you are trying to humiliate her into quitting, all that's going to do is damage your relationship with her. Find another way to express your concerns and anxiety over her health. She's your mother and from everything you've described she does not deserve to be talked to like that.