Zahara Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 not denying the fact he's a total ****hole, its kinda a thing of "i've been doing this for so long" I don't know why I don't want to move on, maybe it's because I like the "kinda nice sex" it takes me months to be able to open up to someone to be able to have sex. I just wish he'd be nice enough to end things, and for me to understand "this isn't a cycle of him being cold, this is actually the end" not closure per say, just a goodbye. You don't want to move on because you'll settle for less than just to have someone in your life. You've caught feelings. You want him to like you they way you like him. This isn't about whether he wants FWB or not. You hide behind an FWB facade all the time wanting more --- hoping sex will change his mind, hoping sex will make him love you. You want him to be nice? You told him you're the only one that puts up with his ****! How does that translate to him possibly being nice to you and taking your feelings into account? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jabron1 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Already asked .....and answered. She doesn't want to. And I don't want to dump some of the girls that I do - but needs must. Perhaps, and be honest, you enjoy this? The not knowing, the instability, the emotional roller-coaster. Would a normal relationship be too boring? Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisyandroses Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 So no playing games = after one week (so my emotions can settle) i'll ask him (if I still feel a need to) if he wants to continue this FWB thing. "If he doesn't reply in a week theres your answer" he did it a ton of times (this radio silence game) so I don't know what he thinks until I ask and every time he came to me with a "Sorry, no I like this, I was just busy" not even in FWB, he was 'ghosting' on me during dating and before we agreed to be just FWB. So, I guess im kinda (okay a lot) crazy, but its just he's always playing games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisyandroses Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 You don't want to move on because you'll settle for less than just to have someone in your life. You've caught feelings. You want him to like you they way you like him. This isn't about whether he wants FWB or not. You hide behind an FWB facade all the time wanting more --- hoping sex will change his mind, hoping sex will make him love you. You want him to be nice? You told him you're the only one that puts up with his ****! How does that translate to him possibly being nice to you and taking your feelings into account? As much as it sounds like, I wouldn't date him if he asked. I was mean to him once, for one day. After that it was always "its fine!" "dont worry about it!" "I understand!" texts to any **** he gave me. If someone is mature enough to stick their dick/fingers/anything somewhere, be mature enough to at least give a "its not you its me" text Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I will leave it be maybe for a week maybe for two (but I reaaaalllyyyyy wanna message him on Friday because the sooner the better for ripping off MY emotional wound, not his), BUT if he doesn't respond to me, am I ever allowed to send a "are you still feeling this FWB thing?" question? Are you allowed to message him again? Aww. You're an adult, right? You can do what you want. I'm guessing you both are in college or mid-20s? What single guy isn't feeling a FWB thing? He wants to keep you on the roster, so he'll probably reply like, "oh yeah babe, of course! I'm just so busy right now with blah blah". And then keep you hanging on for whatever amount of time you allow this to continue. You're playing a game, but you're losing it. You're letting him win. And the thing is, this is a game that women are supposed to win. We are in control of who we sleep with and when. Somewhere along the line you gave up that control. The need for closure, I really do get it. Someone who really liked you has suddenly just disappeared and acts like you don't matter, and that really hurts. This is the problem with FWB. Sex isn't casual for most people, it's the most intimate thing we can do, but FWB makes it "okay" for one person to completely disregard your feelings. You want closure because you want him to admit what he's done, admit that he had feelings but doesn't anymore...you may want closure because you know that getting closure will just give you both an opportunity to start all over again. It's easier said than done, but I wish you could take back ownership of your part in the relationship, make peace with the fact it didn't work out the way you'd hoped, and forget your need for closure. Your need for him to validate you. You're better than that. His closure won't even make you feel that much better, even if you get it. No one should have to beg for closure. When I look back at my past relationships, I have so much respect for the men who actually took the time to end it well, and treat me with respect. It's so much easier to move on, the hurt feelings just don't hurt as much. I really wish all men ended relationships the right way, but the truth is- lots of them don't. This guy has already hurt you enough, damaged you enough. Don't let him hurt you any more. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 And I don't want to dump some of the girls that I do - but needs must. Oh I agree. I was just telling ya I had already asked her why she doesn't make the decision, and her response was "I don't want to!" How does one argue with such logic? LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 So no playing games = after one week (so my emotions can settle) i'll ask him (if I still feel a need to) if he wants to continue this FWB thing. "If he doesn't reply in a week theres your answer" he did it a ton of times (this radio silence game) so I don't know what he thinks until I ask and every time he came to me with a "Sorry, no I like this, I was just busy" not even in FWB, he was 'ghosting' on me during dating and before we agreed to be just FWB. So, I guess im kinda (okay a lot) crazy, but its just he's always playing games. No, he's not playing games. He swings around when he wants sex with you. When he doesn't, he ignores you. You know why? It's because you're readily available to pick where he left off. There are no games. It's a sex arrangement and he likely uses distance and silence to tone down your expectations. So, you both have sex, he senses you building expectation, he retreats. Waits till you've calmed down, resurfaces with a "busy" excuse. You accept his excuse. Comes around, hits it and the pattern continues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 So no playing games = after one week (so my emotions can settle) i'll ask him (if I still feel a need to) if he wants to continue this FWB thing. "If he doesn't reply in a week theres your answer" he did it a ton of times (this radio silence game) so I don't know what he thinks until I ask and every time he came to me with a "Sorry, no I like this, I was just busy" not even in FWB, he was 'ghosting' on me during dating and before we agreed to be just FWB. So, I guess im kinda (okay a lot) crazy, but its just he's always playing games. I think you need to get the fact straight. He didn't ghost on you because a FWB doesn't contact you regularly to begin with; he didn't get hot and cold because FWB doesn't put their attention on you to begin with;he didn't play games because what game to play? He doesn't care if you are attracted to begin with? As much as it sounds like, I wouldn't date him if he asked. Lying to yaself much? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 As much as it sounds like, I wouldn't date him if he asked. I was mean to him once, for one day. After that it was always "its fine!" "dont worry about it!" "I understand!" texts to any **** he gave me. If someone is mature enough to stick their dick/fingers/anything somewhere, be mature enough to at least give a "its not you its me" text Of course! I hate to be crude but he doesn't care if you're mean as long as he knows you're an easy lay. You're not hurting his feelings. It's a sex arrangement. He doesn't owe you anything. It would be nice to receive decency but when you engage in such situations, expect to receive none. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisyandroses Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Are you allowed to message him again? Aww. You're an adult, right? You can do what you want. I'm guessing you both are in college or mid-20s? What single guy isn't feeling a FWB thing? He wants to keep you on the roster, so he'll probably reply like, "oh yeah babe, of course! I'm just so busy right now with blah blah". And then keep you hanging on for whatever amount of time you allow this to continue. You're playing a game, but you're losing it. You're letting him win. And the thing is, this is a game that women are supposed to win. We are in control of who we sleep with and when. Somewhere along the line you gave up that control. The need for closure, I really do get it. Someone who really liked you has suddenly just disappeared and acts like you don't matter, and that really hurts. This is the problem with FWB. Sex isn't casual for most people, it's the most intimate thing we can do, but FWB makes it "okay" for one person to completely disregard your feelings. You want closure because you want him to admit what he's done, admit that he had feelings but doesn't anymore...you may want closure because you know that getting closure will just give you both an opportunity to start all over again. It's easier said than done, but I wish you could take back ownership of your part in the relationship, make peace with the fact it didn't work out the way you'd hoped, and forget your need for closure. Your need for him to validate you. You're better than that. His closure won't even make you feel that much better, even if you get it. No one should have to beg for closure. When I look back at my past relationships, I have so much respect for the men who actually took the time to end it well, and treat me with respect. It's so much easier to move on, the hurt feelings just don't hurt as much. I really wish all men ended relationships the right way, but the truth is- lots of them don't. This guy has already hurt you enough, damaged you enough. Don't let him hurt you any more. He is older than me, 10 years older haha. I'm a sophomore in college and he graduated. I guess that is what he'll say, knowing how it went in the past when he ghosted on me. And it'll happen again and again and again and again until I finally grow some ovaries and call it quits. But like I said, i'll let my emotional dust settle, talk with some friends and binge ice cream and netflix. I'm just not ready now, I either dont have any "side hoes" or I just think he'll still wanna FWB it up with me. What ever the response is I'll have to deal with it. If I get one, thats great and if I dont then oh well can't say I didn't try. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 As much as it sounds like, I wouldn't date him if he asked. I was mean to him once, for one day. After that it was always "its fine!" "dont worry about it!" "I understand!" texts to any **** he gave me. ------- ***If someone is mature enough to stick their dick/fingers/anything somewhere, be mature enough to at least give a "its not you its me" text*** And if someone is *mature* enough to allow a man to stick his d*ck in her vagina, then said person should be mature enough to graciously accept that she can't always have things her way...and thus make the decision to remove herself from an extremely toxic and dysfunctional situation that is detrimental to her emotional health. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisyandroses Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 And if someone is *mature* enough to allow a man to stick his d*ck in her vagina, then said person should be mature enough to graciously accept that she can't always have things her way...and thus make the decision to remove herself from an extremely toxic and dysfunctional situation that is detrimental to her emotional health. Can't argue with that, still doesn't make me feel better about him not directly giving me a "its been nice but this isn't workout out anymore" text Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Ohhhh yeah. He's 30something? Poor daisy...there's no way you can win this game. Ten years isn't a big age difference when people are older- 30s, 40s, etc. But you're still very very young, just barely out of high school. This guy is a complete jerk for taking advantage of you. I'm sorry. Date guys your own age next time...they aren't as smart Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisyandroses Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Ohhhh yeah. He's 30something? Poor daisy...there's no way you can win this game. Ten years isn't a big age difference when people are older- 30s, 40s, etc. But you're still very very young, just barely out of high school. This guy is a complete jerk for taking advantage of you. I'm sorry. Date guys your own age next time...they aren't as smart 29/30 but yeah, outside of being a douche nozzle he respects me and asks me before doing anything during the deed. He just doesn't really care for anyone but himself emotionally (but thats just me being a cry baby) Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Well asking you about what you like during sex is basic common courtesy. I'm still waiting to hear the reasons why he's so respectful and such a great guy.. Consider that his friends would probably think he's a total creep for messing around with a girl so young. Sure, guys give each other high fives when it's an older guy and a 25 year old girl, but you're not even old enough to drink yet...seriously he's a creep. A giant creep. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisyandroses Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Well asking you about what you like during sex is basic common courtesy. I'm still waiting to hear the reasons why he's so respectful and such a great guy.. Consider that his friends would probably think he's a total creep for messing around with a girl so young. Sure, guys give each other high fives when it's an older guy and a 25 year old girl, but you're not even old enough to drink yet...seriously he's a creep. A giant creep. I guess I don't see a problem because I've always been into older men, and that could be why he's pulling away is he's feeling bad for doing this with a younger younger girl. I guess he's just really nice when we're alone then he gets like this out of nowhere. So he's not that great of a guy, especially if he won't give me the decency of a text telling me he's not feeling it. But at the end of the day, I really don't believe I'll just "let it go" because I'm so young (and he's my first sexual partner…) Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Awww. Does he know he's your first? That changes everything. Of course he'll be impossible to get over. What a jerk. I'm sorry daisy Not all guys are like this. There are good ones out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisyandroses Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Awww. Does he know he's your first? That changes everything. Of course he'll be impossible to get over. What a jerk. I'm sorry daisy Not all guys are like this. There are good ones out there. Yes he knows, he knew I was a virgin before we had sex (during our dating phase). Can't blame him for peacing out with the whole "virgins get attached" stereotype. That's probably why I want closure is because he is my first and it's an ******* move to not tell someone (even if they aren't your first) that you're done ****ing with them Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Yes he knows, he knew I was a virgin before we had sex (during our dating phase). Can't blame him for peacing out with the whole "virgins get attached" stereotype. That's probably why I want closure is because he is my first and it's an ******* move to not tell someone (even if they aren't your first) that you're done ****ing with them Maybe you can explain something I can't comprehend..... You stated that you wouldn't even date this guy or become a couple if he asked you to. You also said that if he decides he's done and wants to stop, you'll be ok as well and not be broken-hearted over it. So the main/only thing you really want is for him to say clearly "it's over" in a nice way so you can have closure? You are letting this guy control how you live and progress your life by requiring the need to hear meaningless words from someone who is uninterested in you, in order to "move on". Does that make sense to you? That's like you having a BF, then you go away to study abroad for 3 months and when you come back, he's with another girl. But you're asking people if you should reach out to him and find out whether or not he still wants to be a couple, or if it's over. And the only way you'll know it's over is if he tells you and does it in a nice way so that you feel better. Sound ridiculous? Just think of the ghosting/silence/ignoring you as the girl he's with when you come back from the time abroad like I explained above. It's blatantly clear that he's done. You have an unrealistic hope about how this will end with him or thinking it will continue if you just can get a hold of this guy and get him to see you. Let's say you end up seeing him his Saturday. Without a doubt in my mind id bet that he'd have sex with you, act so nice and sweet and make you think you were crazy for ever thinking he was ignoring you or not into you anymore.... Then he'll leave and in 3 weeks you'll be on here asking the same thing again. Or let's say he does text you back and answer your questions. But he says things that don't make you feel "closure". Instead he's emotionless and doesn't really seem to want to make you feel ok about it all before parting ways. Then what? You're in the same place you are now, except now you feel miser ale because of what he said. Spare yourself and move on with your own capabilities 1 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 He's your first? Oh, boy. I say this with all due respect (and with some experience under my belt), but I think you should steer clear of FWB situations for the next few years. You're not ready yet. I know sex is paraded around like it's no big thing these days, but really, it can be tremendously significant, and there's nothing wrong with wanting/needing a mutually-fulfilling emotional component. You do not seem OK with this arrangement, and that's alright, it's just clear that this man is not the partner for you, then. Wait to have the NSA sex for when you're a bit more experienced and jaded; when your response in this situation is to say, "f*** that guy, he doesn't know what he's missing." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I don't understand why people do this FWB to themselves when they are clearly out for more. As for your last paragraph, is it really this hard for you to keep your knickers on? Have some self respect. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Seems your FWB arrangement has ended by him doing a disappearing act, he is NOT your bf, so forget the triple texting and "he SHOULD have let me know." You merely hooked up for sex a few times and he was not comfortable for whatever reason, so he did the hot and cold routine, and now is ignoring you. It is not uncommon behaviour, and yes he should have sat down and had a long talk and ended it "nicely", but this is the real world and many in superficial arrangements tend not to like the hassle, or the tears or the recriminations or the emotional blackmail or all the other stuff that can happen during a "break up", so just disappear. Leave him alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
five2nine Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 If he didn't reply by now I would be angry and block him. But I guess you are attached now huh. How about searching for a new love/fwb/whatever interest? This one isn't giving you the time of day. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I haven't really had a talk to him yet about how he feels about this because we haven't been talking this week, I'm sure he's going ghost but because his hot and cold cycles with me I don't know what to think. I sent him a triple text (sorry lmao) to which i have no replies from. So i'm just going to let the dust settle, let his emotions settle and see if this is just another one of his cold cycles he goes through. Either way (i know this sounds like im plugging my ears and screaming "lalalala", so sorry) I plan on sending him a text that kinda says "Hey, its totally fine if you don't feel comfortable in this arrangement anymore, I understand. I just hope you remember the first thing we agreed on was to always communicate when feelings change. If you're looking for an easy way out, this is it. Just tell if you don't think this is right for you anymore, there's nothing wrong with that. Just don't be the ******* who leaves a girl wondering how you feel, and taking the cowards way out of ghosting" I guess my question is how can I ask him how he feels without sounding like im more of a level 9 clinger. (that triple text sent me over the edge haha) Note how often you bring feelings and how he feels into the narrative He is your FWB, he demoted you, or you demoted yourself to that role a while back, he is NOT a bf. HE probably "feels" nothing, it is you who is doing all the "feeling" here. Being in a FWB relationship with "feelings" is NOT how it should be, as one partner gets far too emotionally involved and the other is in it purely for the sex and can take it or leave it. The one with the "feelings" then invariably gets hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Start (or keep) dating other people. It'll take your mind off this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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