he broke no contact

[lynnspies1]

For those of you that don't know the whole story...

 

My husband had his first affair eight years ago. I forgave, we moved on and had been doing well.

 

He then got a new job started hanging around with a lady that was separated from her husband and they started having an affair in February or March of this year. I found out shortly after it began. We started counselling, he said he wanted to stay with me and the kids. He was fired from his job and agreed to no contact with the woman in April. Thing had gotten a lot better until this week.

 

I found that he had signed up for a new e-mail account and hid it from me. The only problem was that he used the same password for the new account as his old one that he had given to me so I could check his e-mail anytime I wanted.

 

He has been back in contact with her for several weeks now. The e-mail are are friendly and not sexual. I am very sad that he chose to contact her again and then to hide it. He had even made tentative plans to see her while returning to her town for a job interview. He had also had her contact him from a blocked phone number so that the incoming calls would not show up on his cell phone bill, which he also knew I was checking regularly.

 

He says he wants to be married and does not want to loose the family. I know he is addicted to this woman but why can't he let her go? He says he knows how much it hurts me, so then why does he do it? If he really does want to be married why does he keep doing things that are detrimental? Does anyone really think that he will ever stop, because I think he won't unless I leave and I don't want to do that to our kids?

 

Lynn

[ConfusedInOC]

Lynn,

 

If you set the boundary that he isn't to speak to any of his ex-lovers and he has, then NOW there needs to be some serious repercussions.

 

His actions will continue until you hold him accountable.

 

My suggestions is to leave him for a week or two. See what effect that has on him. When people drift away from you, sometimes the best way to get them back is to drift away from them as well...

 

If you haven't read "Love Must Be Tough" - Dr. James Dobson, now is the time. I highly recommend this book if you have hopes of saving your marriage.

 

Good luck.

[Sweetz]

If he wants to bad enough, he will break all ties with the OW. No excuses, it's a matter of priority over selfishness.

I've been there, done that, so I know it's not easy but can be done. Good luck

[Ladyjane14]

Geez, Lynn.....I'm sorry to hear it.

 

I'm assuming that y'all had a talk. What were his reasons for doing this? I can't imagine that whatever reason he gave would be a good one, but just to get a handle on what's going on in his head....what did he say?

 

He's got to know that there are only so many times you're going to be able to accept him back. He's got to know that at some point.....there's going to be consequences. Does he just not care? Is he trying to push you into a divorce situation?

 

I think that Confused in OC makes a VERY valid point. You two set these boundaries TOGETHER, and you BOTH agreed to them. Then, your husband makes a unilateral decision on contact....IN SECRET ....without expecting there to be any repercussions??? WTF???!!!

 

He's still being dishonest with you. That's the bottom line. Actions speak louder than words. His actions make him out to be a liar.

 

The temptation to throw his shirts out on the lawn, change the door locks, and make a mission out of f*cking ALL of his best friends (even the butt-ugly ones ).....must be OVERWHELMING right about now. There were a couple of times when I thought that the only possible way that my husband would truly understand my pain was if I returned it in kind.

 

That said, cheaters almost always backslide....at least once or twice. It's up to you to decide not to get down in the muck with them.

 

The ability to rationalize the affair-behavior is still there, until it is dealt with and changed. Some people will NEVER be able to accomplish the necessary adjustment to their thinking that will allow them to be faithful partners. Some will manage it handily, others will manage it with great difficulty...but still eventually get it done.

 

It's up to you to decide which profile fits him, and IF he deserves another chance.

 

Be warned though.... You may come very suddenly upon a time when you will have no more chances available to give him. The "one more chance" bag will be empty. Your give-a-damn will be busted. ....And you won't have any more warning about that than he will.

 

Are you still in MC, btw?

[phillygirl63]

Lynn, I think Confused had really great advice. I hope you consider it. My husband cheated on me as well but he did cut all ties with the OW. I kept checking up on him and he didn't let me down. We also went to therapy and I highly suggest that for you as well. Therapy will help him keep himself in check. If my husband ever has an affair - emotional or sexual - again, he knows and I know, our marriage is over with. If you don't want to be married to a cheating man, don't be.

[lynnspies1]

Thanks for the reply, you all are so objective.

 

Some answers to questions you all had...

 

We are still in MC. It has been a good experience and we both really like our therapist. The best thing about her is that it gets us talking even outside her office.

 

When I found out he was back in touch with (that whose name must not be spoken) I asked him why he would do it. Why would you risk it all again and put me through all of the pain again. He said that things have been very hard on him. He still has no job, he still has no communication with his family (as a result of the affair they have cut him off, this was his second offense and they are not as forgiving as me), he has lost most of his friends because he is not working in his field any longer and he worked three hours from home so has little contact with them now, he lost his lover and has little contact with her and no physical contact. So, he is dealing with a lot of loss. Even I can appreciate all that. I also know that it is no excuse to behave like a spoiled teenager.

 

So, I invited him out to coffee today and explained to him that I feel like I am in a no win situation. If I decide to separate from him our kids 5, 8 and 10 will suffer. If I stay our kids will suffer differently, I will have to accept things I believe with my heart are wrong and I will have to live with the fact that it may happen again. I told him that I truly did not know what I was going to do because I feel like I have a stranger living in my house.

 

My decision though came from advise from my sister who is a member of NA who said take care of your side of the street, that is all you can do. So, I joined a gym today and plan to work out my aggression in a positive way. I called my job and told them I want to move from part time to full time. I am going to work some days at home and some days in the office. I was working totally from home but I think having him around distracts me.

 

That is my plan for now. I will keep you posted.

 

Lynn

[OneFaith]

Lynn,

 

Im sorry for the pain you are going through. Im sure many of us can say we know what it's like to be involved in a marriaige where the husband strays.

 

Every person has a different resolution to their situation, everyone reacts individually to what is happening to them. I realize the same answer seems redundant, "go seek counseling" and possibly gets boring after awhile. Its suggestion popularity has run its course a zillion times, but I strongly urge you to seek counseling for yourself. Talk this out twice a week if need be, work through your feelings and begin to know what youre boundries really are. Begin to know yourself again. When youre in turmoil it is hard to differentiate between hurt and where your inner strengths are and it keeps you in limbo.

 

It seems to me when we (the ones who are cheated on) tend to allow our boundries to widen, drop them like a hot potatoe for the sake of loving our spouse. It happens. We want to believe them, we want to believe that everything will get back to normal again. We want our spouses to love only us and to put forth their efforts to fight for our "love" and our "marraige" Its a slap in the face when you know other things are happening instead.

 

Not all of us are made to be strong willed and be the one who can walk out of a marraige at a drop of a hat. You have a lot invested into this marriage: emotionally, physically, intellectually, etc. I know its hard to say "goodbye" I cant live this way to your spouse, when you love him this much.

 

I do remember my last marraige -- after our son was born, my husband had an affair. I knew this was going on before I even found out for certain that he was. I would smell his work shirts to see if there was perfume, I look to see if there was lipstick on them, I turned into this raving lunatic looking for evidence to validate that I wasnt going crazy. Finally someone (his friend) couldnt bear it anymore because I'd go to this friends house often and spill my guts out to him and his wife about how unhappy I am and what I thought my ex was doing. I was finally told or my intuitions/suspicions were validated. I was so angered. All that time I was told I was paranoid, told that I needed psychological help for my condition of paranoia.

 

I walked away. Each day after that I couldnt help myself but make small digs at my ex regarding his extramarital affair. After about a month with therapy, I realized I couldnt forgive. I realized that this person who claimed that loved me didnt really think much of me at all to do what he did in the first place. I realized that only I, could love myself and do what was best for me instead of putting it within my ex's hands.

 

Only you will know whats good for you and in time you will. I wish you the best of luck and again Im sorry youre going through this.

[dawn duval]

Lynn,

I just have to say I'm impressed with the way you're dealing with this. You're taking care of yourself -- switching to work full-time, joining the gym, your directness with your husband. *I* think you should dump him and find a man who will appreciate a strong woman like yourself, but I know it's complicated with the children especially. Just want you to know I feel inspired by the way you're handling this.

[lynnspies1]

I have to go to a family party today that is being hosted by my husbands parents. My husband was not invited. This is the first thing I will go to with out him and in some ways I am sad that he has not done anything to repair the damage he has done to his side of the family as a result of his having an affair. He has had no contact with his parents or siblings. They are all wanting him to make the first move.

 

The other part of me almost feels (I hate to say it) guilty for going without him. How stupid and irrational is that! So, I am going to go get ready and hit the road with out him. He is staying home and watching the kids.

 

I will post in the next day or two and let you all know how it went.

 

Lynn

[StillHurtin]

I am so sorry you are dealing w/ this again. You are doing the right thing, take care of yourself, and your children, they need you so much right now. I can't imagine going through it again. I just don't think I could. My H had an A 2 years ago and if he did it again, I couldn't live through that pain again.

 

GL to you.

[lynnspies1]

When I was younger I always said if my husband cheated, I would leave. Then it happened and I stayed. I then said if it happened again I would leave, and I stayed. I feel like I have lost who I am and what I believe in and stand for. He took it away and I can't get it back.

 

Dinner was nice. I love his family, they are very supportive and loving. We laughed our butts off at funny jokes and stories and I did not even miss my husband.

 

When I got home it was 9:00 p.m. and none of the things I asked him to do while I was gone got done. He did other stuff but not what I asked him to do. Now I am even more angry and I have work to do.

 

more later... gotta get some work done.

 

Lynn

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by lynnspies1

When I was younger I always said if my husband cheated, I would leave. Then it happened and I stayed.

 

Boundary: Crossed

 

I then said if it happened again I would leave, and I stayed. I feel like I have lost who I am and what I believe in and stand for. He took it away and I can't get it back.

 

Boundary: Crossed X2

 

"Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me." That sums up this situation. But, of course, we can not even begin to fathom how much LOVE and our HEARTS alter our perception of reality. My ex cheated on me and I forgave her. If she had done it twice, I would have kicked her to the curb. Once is an accident, twice is a fricken trend.

 

Dinner was nice. I love his family, they are very supportive and loving. We laughed our butts off at funny jokes and stories and I did not even miss my husband.

 

My Ex's family loves me too. They are disappointed at their daughter and wish she would come around. That isn't going to happen soon and even so, I probably need to disassociate myselves with her family. Though I love them deeply, they are keeping me from healing.

 

The same might be said of your situation.

 

When I got home it was 9:00 p.m. and none of the things I asked him to do while I was gone got done. He did other stuff but not what I asked him to do. Now I am even more angry and I have work to do.

 

more later... gotta get some work done.

 

Lynn

 

Are there ever any consequences for him crossing your boundaries?!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by lynnspies1

When I got home it was 9:00 p.m. and none of the things I asked him to do while I was gone got done. He did other stuff but not what I asked him to do. Now I am even more angry and I have work to do.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff, Baby.

 

What you're looking for here is probably some kind of redemption from him....methods in which he can make it up to you, somehow. That's a natural reaction for betrayed spouses.

 

However, this is something that you'll never be truly compensated for....and certainly not by him making a better effort at household chores.

 

If you can get a little further down the pike, he'll find ways to prove that he's THE GUY. And when he does it on his own, it'll mean something to you. But for now, he's not there yet. You're still dealing with a WS in withdrawal, and he has unfortunately put himself back at square one with this latest contact.

 

In the end, he'll NEVER be able to truly pay you back for the pain he's caused. Forgiveness is kind of like 'writing off' a debt you can never truly collect on. He won't be able to pay you back EVER, not really. You'll have to decide someday if you can "write it off", and move on past it.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by lynnspies1

When I was younger I always said if my husband cheated, I would leave. Then it happened and I stayed. I then said if it happened again I would leave, and I stayed. I feel like I have lost who I am and what I believe in and stand for. He took it away and I can't get it back.

 

Dinner was nice. I love his family, they are very supportive and loving. We laughed our butts off at funny jokes and stories and I did not even miss my husband.

 

When I got home it was 9:00 p.m. and none of the things I asked him to do while I was gone got done. He did other stuff but not what I asked him to do. Now I am even more angry and I have work to do.

 

more later... gotta get some work done.

 

Lynn

 

Lynn,

 

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this again. Your sister is right though - all you can do is look after your side of the street. Sounds like you are doing an alright job. Also sounds like you are a fun person to be around. You will decide in time what you want to do.

Sylvia