Savannah2 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Date nights with his wife and vacations would make me so angry.. I would go silent on him for days.. He used to tell me that he had to do date nights and vacations with her, what did I expect him to do? It was almost like he expected me to apologize for getting upset and not understanding that was the deal. i felt like I was going crazy and completely lost myself. It was the worst of times for sure. Anyone else relate? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I think they make both sides crazy. To add to the bizarreness, he also probably would have been completely beside himself if you started dating someone else. Lol. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I think they make both sides crazy. To add to the bizarreness, he also probably would have been completely beside himself if you started dating someone else. Lol. But--MM don't go nuts because they have two women faithful and at their beckon call. While with one they forget the other. They have separate compartments for each. They get a double portion of everything they like and their ladies only get HALF. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 But--MM don't go nuts because they have two women faithful and at their beckon call. While with one they forget the other. They have separate compartments for each. They get a double portion of everything they like and their ladies only get HALF. Mine FREAKED at the idea of me dating someone else. But I am single. Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Don't have an affair with a married man. What else do you expect? You will be on the losing end 9 out of 10 times. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Mine FREAKED at the idea of me dating someone else. But I am single. Well yeah!!! He was a selfish person who wanted devotees...that is not love. Most MM would go nuts at the thought of their wives cheating too. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Don't have an affair with a married man. What else do you expect? You will be on the losing end 9 out of 10 times. The OP is married too. She is losing sight of that. They are equal and the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Well yeah!!! He was a selfish person who wanted devotees...that is not love. Most MM would go nuts at the thought of their wives cheating too. Hence, affairs make people crazy. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) The OP is married too. She is losing sight of that. They are equal and the same. Simply makes things crazier and more complex. It's always best to walk away when not content in a relationship once efforts to reconnect have been exhausted....some people will do anything to save their relationships....except for discontinuing being involved with a third or forth party of course Edited February 9, 2016 by Gigi2015 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 The OP is married too. She is losing sight of that. They are equal and the same. I guess I missed that - having an "affair". I just figured it was HE who was having the affair. Feel sorry for her husband. I can only imagine what SHE is thinking during sex as opposed to what HE is thinking. lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) Yes, they do make one crazy in so many ways. It was like an out of body experience for me. I didn't even recognize who I had become. Emotionally, I was so volatile when in fact I have a pretty even keeled and calm personality. I could go from floating on cloud nine and smiling for no reason to bouts of anger, frustration, and insecurity in a fraction of a second. Most of this was internalized but there were times I lashed out at him. XMM would never really talk about date nights or vacations with the W with me, but I don't think they ever did anything fun based on what he had told mutual coworkers and friends. He would often say to them that his W would always want to spend time at home with the kids and not go out with him or do any other activities like work out together. Their routines revolved around kids and in laws and knowing him, he requires a lot of attention so I can see why that would be a source of frustration for him (even though he really shouldn't have talked negatively about his W to anyone). They did go on family vacations for kids birthdays and I would flat out tell him that I would not impose on their time and that it was up to him to reach out to me and he actually would text and sneak in calls quite a bit, but I think he only did that to keep me hooked. I have a pretty busy social life so I would make my own plans and it was always amusing and downright bizarre to witness MM get jealous and insecure. Talk about double standards! To add to all that, I spent embarrassing amounts of time and energy analyzing his contradictory behavior (i.e. "I love you, can't be without you" versus behavior that demonstrated my position at the bottom of his priority list). All very self destructive behavior. Never again. Edited February 9, 2016 by Lovetoohard 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Yes, they do make one crazy in so many ways. It was like an out of body experience for me. I didn't even recognize who I had become. Emotionally, I was so volatile when in fact I have a pretty even keeled and calm personality. I could go from floating on cloud nine and smiling for no reason to bouts of anger, frustration, and insecurity in a fraction of a second. Most of this was internalized but there were times I lashed out at him. XMM would never really talk about date nights or vacations with the W with me, but I don't think they ever did anything fun based on what he had told mutual coworkers and friends. He would often say to them that his W would always want to spend time at home with the kids and not go out with him or do any other activities like work out together. Their routines revolved around kids and in laws and knowing him, he requires a lot of attention so I can see why that would be a source of frustration for him (even though he really shouldn't have talked negatively about his W to anyone). They did go on family vacations for kids birthdays and I would flat out tell him that I would not impose on their time and that it was up to him to reach out to me and he actually would text and sneak in calls quite a bit, but I think he only did that to keep me hooked. I have a pretty busy social life so I would make my own plans and it was always amusing and downright bizarre to witness MM get jealous and insecure. Talk about double standards! To add to all that, I spent embarrassing amounts of time and energy analyzing his contradictory behavior (i.e. "I love you, can't be without you" versus behavior that demonstrated my position at the bottom of his priority list). All very self destructive behavior. Never again. As is the life of people that are married and have kids...I wonder if he ever put his foot down and said,"I need for us to have alone time or we might get into marital trouble." Most avoidant personalities would simply say to themselves," screw it if he/she doesn't want to spend time with me." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) As is the life of people that are married and have kids...I wonder if he ever put his foot down and said,"I need for us to have alone time or we might get into marital trouble." Most avoidant personalities would simply say to themselves," screw it if he/she doesn't want to spend time with me." Not sure. His obvious character and personality flaws aside, I can only speculate on what truly goes on in their M. When he says negative stuff like, he sleeps while the W plans and does activities for the kids on the weekends, or he has to spend money eating lunch out every day because his W doesn't pack him lunch, or his W doesn't take care of body and health and doesn't work out, all of the family responsibilities fall on him, his W doesn't like to go out, she's not a disciplinarian with the kids, she doesn't make healthy food for them, etc., it paints an incomplete, biased picture. I don't doubt he didnt communicate well, was complacent, and demanding as well and maybe the W just got fed up. I was a breath of fresh air and quite the opposite of what he's known. Regardless of what issues they have, he doesn't know how to deal with them maturely. Who knows. More importantly, who cares. Precisely the kind of crazy analysis that I have now gotten away from. . I know what I have to offer and what I want in a partner. I can't remember who posted this and the credit goes to them, but to paraphrase the poster, you don't want a psychiatric patient, you want a BF you can do normal, everyday things with. Edited February 9, 2016 by Lovetoohard 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Not sure. His obvious character and personality flaws aside, I can only speculate on what truly goes on in their M. When he says negative stuff like, he sleeps while the W plans and does activities for the kids on the weekends, or he has to spend money eating lunch out every day because his W doesn't pack him lunch, or his W doesn't take care of body and health and doesn't work out, all of the family responsibilities fall on him, his W doesn't like to go out, she's not a disciplinarian with the kids, she doesn't make healthy food for them, etc., it paints an incomplete, biased picture. I don't doubt he didnt communicate well, was complacent, and demanding as well and maybe the W just got fed up. I was a breath of fresh air and quite the opposite of what he's known. Regardless of what issues they have, he doesn't know how to deal with them maturely. Who knows. More importantly, who cares. Precisely the kind of crazy analysis that I have now gotten away from. . I know what I have to offer and what I want in a partner. I can't remember who posted this and the credit goes to them, but to paraphrase the poster, you don't want a psychiatric patient, you want a BF you can do normal, everyday things with. And the thing is--you only know him in affair mode. If you had to spend all that time with the kids....and him.....you might feel differently....he'd have complaints about you as well...I'm willing to bet on that! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Not sure. His obvious character and personality flaws aside, I can only speculate on what truly goes on in their M. When he says negative stuff like, he sleeps while the W plans and does activities for the kids on the weekends, or he has to spend money eating lunch out every day because his W doesn't pack him lunch, or his W doesn't take care of body and health and doesn't work out, all of the family responsibilities fall on him, his W doesn't like to go out, she's not a disciplinarian with the kids, she doesn't make healthy food for them, etc., it paints an incomplete, biased picture. I don't doubt he didnt communicate well, was complacent, and demanding as well and maybe the W just got fed up. I was a breath of fresh air and quite the opposite of what he's known. Regardless of what issues they have, he doesn't know how to deal with them maturely. Who knows. More importantly, who cares. Precisely the kind of crazy analysis that I have now gotten away from. . I know what I have to offer and what I want in a partner. I can't remember who posted this and the credit goes to them, but to paraphrase the poster, you don't want a psychiatric patient, you want a BF you can do normal, everyday things with. It's easier to deal with a spouse that won't pack a healthy lunch than one who cheats. If it was that big of a deal he could have packed the lunches. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Hurtandconfused72 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I can relate 100%. I don't think they can see any perspective but their own. Christmas was the worst for me. I feel I've become irrational insecure and paranoid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I was a breath of fresh air and quite the opposite of what he's known. Regardless of what issues they have, he doesn't know how to deal with them maturely. you want a BF you can do normal, everyday things with. Very true. You'd think he rather have that breath of fresh air on a permanent basis as well...rather than continue complaining. Otherwise it's like drowning and coming up for air now and again....who'd want that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Some people just don't have the skills so they make everyone miserable in the end...particularly themselves! I'm a people pleaser to a fault & I think a lot of ladies here are. It's a very hard lesson to learn that you can give everything you have & still not rescue the strays who don't want to be 'home' & happy. Of course it's crazy making! Beautiful, loving women loose so much of themselves living these tragedies. Regardless of intentions these crazy situations too often lead to agony for all involved. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Date nights with his wife and vacations would make me so angry.. I would go silent on him for days.. He used to tell me that he had to do date nights and vacations with her, what did I expect him to do? It was almost like he expected me to apologize for getting upset and not understanding that was the deal. i felt like I was going crazy and completely lost myself. It was the worst of times for sure. Anyone else relate? A also hurt your health, because of all the stress that they cause you. It's hard to wonder what they are doing with their W and if they are getting along. You don't want to be thinking about these things, but you do. You're in the position of feeling like your in a competition for the MMs heart, but the W is the one that has him and you don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 A also hurt your health, because of all the stress that they cause you. It's hard to wonder what they are doing with their W and if they are getting along. You don't want to be thinking about these things, but you do. You're in the position of feeling like your in a competition for the MMs heart, but the W is the one that has him and you don't. Competition for MM's heart. Ha! Like he's some prize catch. I think that's what keeps people hooked...it's that they think this broken, manipulative, confused, lying and selfish person is a catch and worth compromising one's morals, values, and sanity for. I can't speak for all OW, but I don't know that it's a "competition" with the W necessarily. And I don't know that most OW are jealous or envy the W. I think it's more about struggling with the MM's contradictory behaviors and not understanding why he makes grand gestures and illusions of love and whatnot, but runs home with his tail between his legs when the W calls. Such people should not be with the W or the OW. Or anyone for that matter. At least, not until they develop mature and morally acceptable coping and communicating mechanisms. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Competition for MM's heart. Ha! Like he's some prize catch. I think that's what keeps people hooked...it's that they think this broken, manipulative, confused, lying and selfish person is a catch and worth compromising one's morals, values, and sanity for. I can't speak for all OW, but I don't know that it's a "competition" with the W necessarily. And I don't know that most OW are jealous or envy the W. I think it's more about struggling with the MM's contradictory behaviors and not understanding why he makes grand gestures and illusions of love and whatnot, but runs home with his tail between his legs when the W calls. Such people should not be with the W or the OW. Or anyone for that matter. At least, not until they develop mature and morally acceptable coping and communicating mechanisms. I'm a OW and feel like I'm competing with W, right or wrong. I don't want to feel that way. I agree that the MM needs to not have contradictory behaviors and not lead the OW on for his own benefit. He needs to stop hurting his W, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I'm a OW and feel like I'm competing with W, right or wrong. I don't want to feel that way. I agree that the MM needs to not have contradictory behaviors and not lead the OW on for his own benefit. He needs to stop hurting his W, too. Do you genuinely envy the position his W is in and want that (I.e., him) for yourself? I know the irrational and crazy thoughts take over when you're in the thick of it, but you will see things objectively as time goes on. It sucks, I know, but it will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Ohmyohmy Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Savannah are you still the OW? Four years is so long...what makes you stay? I'm thinking the longer in the harder it is to get out... I keep trying to figure out how I've made it almost two years...why?? In the past two weeks I've tried ending things twice...the guilt and push/pull, coupled with things being really bad for him at home and him being so stressed from that...it's too much... But then I wake up in the morning and have panic attacks...couldn't function at all. This is hell. He of course doesn't listen to me anyway and talks me back down. He says I have to tell him when this gets to be too much...it's too much!! I am telling him it's too much!! But then the crazy thing is I know it's too much but when I think about not having this relationship I freak out... It's making me nuts Sorry for venting on your thread...but your not alone in this insanity. I've been picking up extra work, listening to TED talks...planning stuff for kids, trying anything to not think about this... Anyway Be kind to yourself Oh my Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Date nights with his wife and vacations would make me so angry.. I would go silent on him for days.. He used to tell me that he had to do date nights and vacations with her, what did I expect him to do? It was almost like he expected me to apologize for getting upset and not understanding that was the deal. i felt like I was going crazy and completely lost myself. It was the worst of times for sure. Anyone else relate? You had/have choices regarding how you process stuff. Back in the day, all the MW's I had contact with had children so their dance card was quite full, and rightfully so. It's part of the deal. We all have choices. Sure, things can be upsetting, however that's an emotion that can be processed. My most common processing memory was imprinting the upset into the asphalt with an anaerobic heartrate cycling in the hills. Great way to get emotions out and the byproduct was physical health. Since relationships are voluntary, none of us is required to submit or supplicate ourselves to them. We have free will. Sure, we make choices but those are our responsibility. What another person does or who they are is extraneous to that. We own us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 You're in the position of feeling like your in a competition for the MMs heart, but the W is the one that has him and you don't. Seems to me neither the wife or the OW has an MM, but that he's an empty soul who, way down deep inside, doesn't even have himself. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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