Affairs make a person crazy...

[lftbehind]

Hi,

 

Please forgive my ignorance, I'm new here and don't know everyone yet. I've lurked a while, then joined and this forum in particular is more confusing than the others. It seems as though the OW here are very apologetic in their approach, as if they cannot get support unless they behave as such, and it seems like a lot of the supporters are not themselves OW. So forgive me for asking, Savannah, but are you currently an OW?

 

To answer your question no, I cannot relate. I am a long time OW and I do not agree that affairs make you crazy. I think any partner who is unhealthy has the potential to wear you down psychologically but this is not exclusive to affairs. "The nature of the affair" that someone mentioned is a fallacy. The nature of any R is what both parties in a given couple deem it to be, so every couple has the chance to make their R healthy if they choose.

 

I have had frustrated times (you might call them crazy but I call it what it is) with my MM but once I communicated my needs they were met, and there was no more frustration. I had no idea that our A could last so long, longer than many Ms, and I surmise that that's happened due to our willingness to communicate and work things out. It's only when you have no hope of working things out in a R (M or A) that you begin to feel unhealthy (crazy) and decide to get out. But if your needs are met, there is no crazy.

 

You have have an unusual affair if your meeds are getting met and you're not frustrated too much. Mosts affairs are very frustrating. You're right that the wrong partner can wear you down psychologically. I'm an OW and find it hard to rarely see my MM.

[Poppy47]

POcket,

Thank you for posting. What you said makes perfect sense to me.

I was long time OW and still would be if time and age hadn't gotten the better of us. We are still in touch every day and love each other .

 

I do not need to have a full time live in relationship. I have been married, widowed, have kids and grandkids. I am a professional woman and life goes very well for me.

 

I could think of nothing worse than being tied down again at my age. I was happy with the A relationship and still am happy to be in touch with him.

 

It would be different if I were wasting my young fertile years on a MM who would never be able to give me what I wanted.

 

I wasn't. It was my time in life to be my own boss and enjoy it.

BEst wishes,

Poppy

[Hip Pocket]

You have have an unusual affair if your meeds are getting met and you're not frustrated too much. Mosts affairs are very frustrating. You're right that the wrong partner can wear you down psychologically. I'm an OW and find it hard to rarely see my MM.

 

Yes, I suppose it takes the right kind of personalities along with patience and understanding to make a R work, especially as an AR since it does have time constraints and what not.

 

In our early years I admit I was frustrated but since I'm a good communicator, and so is my MM, we simply began working things out. And since I am independent I don't really feel the need to have him with me 24/7. We speak to each other several times a day which was more than I spoke with my H, we see each other 2-4 times a week which includes both a date and intimate time which, again, is more than I got in my M, and we are simply crazy about each other!

 

I hope you and your MM can work your issues out.

[Hip Pocket]

POcket,

Thank you for posting. What you said makes perfect sense to me.

I was long time OW and still would be if time and age hadn't gotten the better of us. We are still in touch every day and love each other .

 

I do not need to have a full time live in relationship. I have been married, widowed, have kids and grandkids. I am a professional woman and life goes very well for me.

 

I could think of nothing worse than being tied down again at my age. I was happy with the A relationship and still am happy to be in touch with him.

 

It would be different if I were wasting my young fertile years on a MM who would never be able to give me what I wanted.

 

I wasn't. It was my time in life to be my own boss and enjoy it.

BEst wishes,

Poppy

 

Glad to meet you Poppy!

 

It's nice to see that there are other OP who stood the test of time without feeling like their A drove them crazy as the OP asked. I think you may well know, as in any R, patience and understanding go a long way and really help couples to work things out. Remove the labels and assumptions and two people can really get to the heart of the matter.

 

It's sweet that you and your former AP are still in contact with each other. I know some people IRL with similar experiences and it's sweet to know that the OP is never forgotten. I guess this is so because they often help the MP discover who they really are.

 

Do you have old threads on your experience? I'll do a search.

[Poppy47]

Pocket,

There were good times and bad, like any relationship. We had times apart.

 

It all worked out ok because we wanted it to in the end. We didn't have to get over each other.

 

Poppy.

[Ohmyohmy]

Pocket,

There were good times and bad, like any relationship. We had times apart.

 

It all worked out ok because we wanted it to in the end. We didn't have to get over each other.

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy, I read through your threads. So, I'm just curious, did your A end but you decided to remain friends? How does that work for you?

I'm trying to figure out a way to get some peace back in my life. I'm getting so burned out by my AP, even though I care very deeply about him, I'm so confused by the push/pull....I'm burning him out too because I keep questioning the point of this and his intentions. It's really frustrating. In one breath he'll be taking about leaving and having baby together!!! What?? (I have no intent to leave my children or let him leave his)But it's the weekend so then I hardly hear from him...it's so exhausting for me...

 

I feel like if we could come to a friend agreement that might be the answer as neither of us has been able to even start to let the other go...proximity to each other is a huge issue.

 

How did you find the strength to just remain friends? How do you not let things get carried away again?

Thanks oh my

[Savannah2]

He posted this long declaration of love to his wife today on FB. I asked him if he really feels that way about her, what is he doing here with me the past four years? To which he responded, I don't know. I guess I need to figure that out he tells me..

[Popsicle]

He posted this long declaration of love to his wife today on FB. I asked him if he really feels that way about her, what is he doing here with me the past four years? To which he responded, I don't know. I guess I need to figure that out he tells me..

 

Because by now (4 years) it is just the status quo.

[Savannah2]

Yep. And I've made it entirely too easy for him because I fell in "love" with him...

 

He says I make him happy. He trusts me and can always count on me, and I never judge him. I wonder if what he means is he can always count on me to be there for a BJ...

[Popsicle]

Yep. And I've made it entirely too easy for him because I fell in "love" with him...

 

He says I make him happy. He trusts me and can always count on me, and I never judge him. I wonder if what he means is he can always count on me to be there for a BJ...

 

I'm sure it's all of the above but it's still status quo.

[Babs22]

He posted this long declaration of love to his wife today on FB. I asked him if he really feels that way about her, what is he doing here with me the past four years? To which he responded, I don't know. I guess I need to figure that out he tells me..

 

Ouch, that would hurt. Why would he write something like that knowing you would see it? Yes, Affairs are painful at times. I agree that weekends and vacations are the worst. I am a married and so is my OM, the difference is that I am not happily M but MM is still happily married. Happy enough, apparently she is happy to live like roommates. I can't imagine. But they do take vacations together and those times are very painful. I realize he can't just tell her that he doesn't want to go on vacation, but it still hurts.

 

My question to Pocket is, how do you stay in a LTA with someone who is going to remain married? You don't mind him being with his wife? You don't mind that your relationship will never be more than an A? I am still in a LTA with my AP, but there are many times I do not like the fact that it won't be more than what it is. Not sure my A will make it much longer because of it. How do you stay happily in an A that can be nothing more? Is that all you really want?

[lftbehind]

Yes, I suppose it takes the right kind of personalities along with patience and understanding to make a R work, especially as an AR since it does have time constraints and what not.

 

In our early years I admit I was frustrated but since I'm a good communicator, and so is my MM, we simply began working things out. And since I am independent I don't really feel the need to have him with me 24/7. We speak to each other several times a day which was more than I spoke with my H, we see each other 2-4 times a week which includes both a date and intimate time which, again, is more than I got in my M, and we are simply crazy about each other!

 

I hope you and your MM can work your issues out.

 

That's good that the AR works for you. The good communication is important and being able to spend time together is, too. It sounds like you both make each other a priority and have mutual respect. It's also good that you're crazy about each other.

 

Thanks for the hoping MM and I can work out issues. We don't get to see each other and sometimes communication is sporadic. Today, on Valentine's Day I haven't heard from him at all and it makes me realize how I'm not that important to him. It's like that on a lot of holidays. I don't think that I can keep going like this for much longer. It really is crazy-making.

[Lady2163]

Glad to meet you Poppy!

 

It's nice to see that there are other OP who stood the test of time without feeling like their A drove them crazy as the OP asked. I think you may well know, as in any R, patience and understanding go a long way and really help couples to work things out. Remove the labels and assumptions and two people can really get to the heart of the matter.

 

It's sweet that you and your former AP are still in contact with each other. I know some people IRL with similar experiences and it's sweet to know that the OP is never forgotten. I guess this is so because they often help the MP discover who they really are.

 

Do you have old threads on your experience? I'll do a search.

 

I was also in a ltr with MM. I ended it only because I couldn't bear the thought of him losing everything for having sex with me. I maintain we didn't/don't l've each other, but I had someone tell me to give him up like that, I must feel something deep for him.

 

We are still friends, talk pretty much whenever we want. We send each other funny texts and emails. We exchange Christmas and birthday presents. He did send me flowers for Valentine's Day. I'm scrambling a bit at this point for something nice to get him - I hadn't planned on the sweet gesture. We don't see each other. I'm pretty sure I would get sucked back in too easily.

 

I was never jealous of time spent with wife and kids. I'm not jealous now. I want him happy, healthy and enjoying life.

 

Now, I did get to watch him during a few professional forums. I was a touch jealous of the easy rapport he had with some of his young, attractive colleagues.

 

I'm also pretty independent. I've been divorced for almost 20 years and never had kids. Some days I think it may be too late for me to find someone only because I'm not used to sharing my time 24/7.

[13Hearts]

Not sure. His obvious character and personality flaws aside, I can only speculate on what truly goes on in their M. When he says negative stuff like, he sleeps while the W plans and does activities for the kids on the weekends, or he has to spend money eating lunch out every day because his W doesn't pack him lunch, or his W doesn't take care of body and health and doesn't work out, all of the family responsibilities fall on him, his W doesn't like to go out, she's not a disciplinarian with the kids, she doesn't make healthy food for them, etc., it paints an incomplete, biased picture. I don't doubt he didnt communicate well, was complacent, and demanding as well and maybe the W just got fed up. I was a breath of fresh air and quite the opposite of what he's known. Regardless of what issues they have, he doesn't know how to deal with them maturely.

 

Who knows. More importantly, who cares. Precisely the kind of crazy analysis that I have now gotten away from. . I know what I have to offer and what I want in a partner. I can't remember who posted this and the credit goes to them, but to paraphrase the poster, you don't want a psychiatric patient, you want a BF you can do normal, everyday things with.

That was me who said that about wanting a normal damn BF, not having to be someone's psychiatrist. And you are so right, too, Lovetoohard, they don't know how to deal with the issues or problems maturely. And I think that is at the basis of why they cheat in the first place. I think that even though they have sometimes important jobs and adult responsibilities they take care of, in relationships they expect to be taken care of and they require a lot of attention. They do their best to take care of their families and they sacrifice a lot and grow to resent the spouse. I think that makes them feel entitled to an affair. Something just for them.

 

I'd rather be single, childless and alone than deal with all that. I never want anyone to ever have to do anything they don't really want to do. And I think marriage is just too long. People change their minds about things. And they get married and realize it wasn't what they thought it was going to be. Being a spouse, having kids, owning a house and two cars, raising a family is all really hard work! And I think resentment makes people feel the person they resent is to blame.

 

Anyway, not sure if I'm rambling or way off topic. Just wanted to agree with you and share.

[13Hearts]

That's good that the AR works for you. The good communication is important and being able to spend time together is, too. It sounds like you both make each other a priority and have mutual respect. It's also good that you're crazy about each other.

 

Thanks for the hoping MM and I can work out issues. We don't get to see each other and sometimes communication is sporadic. Today, on Valentine's Day I haven't heard from him at all and it makes me realize how I'm not that important to him. It's like that on a lot of holidays. I don't think that I can keep going like this for much longer. It really is crazy-making.

 

Why on earth would you want to stay in a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself?? If you were in a relationship with a man you lived with who everyday ignored you, berated you, and dumped you when you really needed him, would you continue to stay in it? Why put up with it from a man who doesn't live with you if you wouldn't put up with it from a man who did?

[lftbehind]

Why on earth would you want to stay in a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself?? If you were in a relationship with a man you lived with who everyday ignored you, berated you, and dumped you when you really needed him, would you continue to stay in it? Why put up with it from a man who doesn't live with you if you wouldn't put up with it from a man who did?

 

MM does contact me every day, usually twice a day. Sometimes it's just once a day. He doesn't berate me or treat me poorly and he hasn't dumped me. We can't see each other much now, because of our schedules and distance. It is hard and we're more like pen pals now.

[Poppy47]

Hi Pocket

I tried to PM you but you do not have PM facility. I don't want to hijack this thread.

 

Poppy.

 

It's nice to see that there are other OP who stood the test of time without feeling like their A drove them crazy as the OP asked. I think you may well know, as in any R, patience and understanding go a long way and really help couples to work things out. Remove the labels and assumptions and two people can really get to the heart of the matter.

 

It's sweet that you and your former AP are still in contact with each other. I know some people IRL with similar experiences and it's sweet to know that the OP is never forgotten. I guess this is so because they often help the MP discover who they really are.

 

Do you have old threads on your experience? I'll do a search.

[13Hearts]

MM does contact me every day, usually twice a day. Sometimes it's just once a day. He doesn't berate me or treat me poorly and he hasn't dumped me. We can't see each other much now, because of our schedules and distance. It is hard and we're more like pen pals now.

 

I actually wasn't saying MM berates you IRL. What I'm asking you is why you would stay in ANY relationship that makes you feel as bad as you would if you WERE being ignored, berated or dumped by a man you WERE living with?

 

Because what you're in is a pseudo-relationship, a relationship that isn't. It's a relationship where you don't live with, or even near, the person nor do you have any benefits of a real relationship. You're in a relationship where you know in your heart you are not important to your relationship partner.

 

You're telling me that doesn't make you feel bad? And you're saying there are never any times when you don't feel dumped by him? Like when you don't hear from him on Valentine's Day or holidays? You mean to tell me you are always happy in this relationship and don't every day feel like a woman would feel if she lived with a man who berated her all the time?

 

Is the reason you stay in it because every once in a while being in this pseudo-relationship you feel happy and good, but you don't actually HAVE TO live with him?

[lftbehind]

I actually wasn't saying MM berates you IRL. What I'm asking you is why you would stay in ANY relationship that makes you feel as bad as you would if you WERE being ignored, berated or dumped by a man you WERE living with?

 

Because what you're in is a pseudo-relationship, a relationship that isn't. It's a relationship where you don't live with, or even near, the person nor do you have any benefits of a real relationship. You're in a relationship where you know in your heart you are not important to your relationship partner.

 

You're telling me that doesn't make you feel bad? And you're saying there are never any times when you don't feel dumped by him? Like when you don't hear from him on Valentine's Day or holidays? You mean to tell me you are always happy in this relationship and don't every day feel like a woman would feel if she lived with a man who berated her all the time?

 

Is the reason you stay in it because every once in a while being in this pseudo-relationship you feel happy and good, but you don't actually HAVE TO live with him?

 

Right now I'm more friends with MM, because we can't see each other much and I miss him. I like to keep in touch, but it does make me feel bad that I can't see him. I hear from him on holidays, but not as much, since he's with family. He contacted me on Valentine's day in the afternoon. I'm M and have had H be verbally abusive and ignore me and that feels bad, too. It's a different kind of bad. OM has been a friend to me and I like talking to him, but I don't know how long it can go on like it is.