Messing around with my now married ex-husband

[Moniq]

In my hearts of hearts I don't believed be cheated. He left before he could I would say. Our marriage was great. He was a great partner with a great family who till this day are still saddened with the divorce. His mom in particular.

 

I just got off the phone with him and talked about our "situation" he agreed we should stop and that's it.

 

I was doing this for all the wrong reasons. Although I'm not emotionally attached to him, I am now done with being used as some of you pointed out. It's been hard being alone. But like I said, so much damaged had been done, I can't see my self with him.

 

However, he has developed a conscience before and ended our little adventures but that only lasted a few days. He would always come back. I wonder how long it will take him to get over it and come around again... Or if this is really it.

[Moniq]

While it's easy to say move on, I've found it incredibly difficult to date, I have two children work full time and I just don't have single friends.

 

I can't see myself with another man. I thought I had hit the jack pot with my ex and I was wrong. I'd hate to be wrong again and have my children suffer.

 

Might sound very very hypocritical of me but I get along with my ex's new wife. We had a discussion once about my kids and a fight they had but we resolved it.

I cause no drama (other than this situation) in their relationship, I don't call , I don't bother or demand. It's really easy.

I'm done. I ended it today, thanks to all the comments and I will be good. I am a good person I swear it. I am not just the other woman. This is just a chapter of my life. My ex and I agreed we should stop but we'll continue to co parent.

Yikes

[13Hearts]

You're totally fooling yourself if you think your ex H didn't cheat on you while you two were married. He left you and married someone else very quickly after your divorce, so yes, chances are very high he was having an A with this other woman.

 

He isn't a prize at all, he's been a cheater all along and now is doing to his new wife what he did to you. Not something you should be proud of, now you're no better than her by helping yourself to her husband. It puts you in the same level actually.

 

How is this even remotely helpful to anyone here? Can we ever get past the name calling, finger pointing, shaming and blaming?

 

It simply does not matter what happened in the past.

What matters now is what you do going forward.

[Moniq]

I ignore the bashing and the assumptions people make. No one knows anyone's relationship to judge or name call. But it's ok. I know who is writing to help, not bash. Two people here made me feel like crap but they both opened my eyes. They spoke truth not hurtful words.

 

No one wants to hear that they may have been cheated on. So what if I was. It's the past now. Why would I go and try to find out if they did or didn't. I had a good marriage, I'd leave it at that and move on with my life. I don't want to taint my past regardless of the "truth" if ther is one.

[privategal]

In a round about way seems like hysterical bonding.

[whichwayisup]

In my hearts of hearts I don't believed be cheated. He left before he could I would say. Our marriage was great. He was a great partner with a great family who till this day are still saddened with the divorce. His mom in particular.

 

I just got off the phone with him and talked about our "situation" he agreed we should stop and that's it.

 

I was doing this for all the wrong reasons. Although I'm not emotionally attached to him, I am now done with being used as some of you pointed out. It's been hard being alone. But like I said, so much damaged had been done, I can't see my self with him.

 

However, he has developed a conscience before and ended our little adventures but that only lasted a few days. He would always come back. I wonder how long it will take him to get over it and come around again... Or if this is really it.

 

Bolded - Did he give you a reason for leaving and divorcing you? It's rare that one person just ups and leaves especially since you felt the marriage was good and you were happy.

 

He does care about you and always will because of your kids. There's a tie there for life.

[whichwayisup]

How is this even remotely helpful to anyone here? Can we ever get past the name calling, finger pointing, shaming and blaming?

 

It simply does not matter what happened in the past.

What matters now is what you do going forward.

 

I didn't name call to her, I called her (ex) husband an idiot because of what he's done to her. Hurt her deeply and turned her life upside down.

[whichwayisup]

I ignore the bashing and the assumptions people make. No one knows anyone's relationship to judge or name call. But it's ok. I know who is writing to help, not bash. Two people here made me feel like crap but they both opened my eyes. They spoke truth not hurtful words.

 

No one wants to hear that they may have been cheated on. So what if I was. It's the past now. Why would I go and try to find out if they did or didn't. I had a good marriage, I'd leave it at that and move on with my life. I don't want to taint my past regardless of the "truth" if ther is one.

 

I'm sorry that my post was harsh, and you are right I'm not bashing at all.

 

Some people need to know the 'truth' so they can move on.

 

You're going to be okay. You have your kids, family and friends to help you through this difficult time in your life, you're not alone. Don't worry about dating and all the what if's. Things change and who knows what will happen a year or two or five down the road.

[Moniq]

I know why we divorced. It was my fault. Being a military wife is not easy. But I loved it. I helped him and his career. Helped raise his family and move around a lot. But I lost who I was. I was not me, I was everything around me. I lost my identity. It happened so sudden too. I didn't even realize is lost me until it was to late. With all the moving, training, kids, I had no time for me. I was not ambitious and just had no drive.

 

Now I know it's not entirely my fault. He should have stepped up and things but if I didn't understand my faults, then I'd never grow, change and blossom as a person. I know what I did and hope to change it for the next relationship (if ever there is another).

 

I learned I have to be independent and not rely on anyone, I need to take control of my life and not let anyone change me.

[Moniq]

Whichwayisup,

 

I don't think that post was for you. There was another post of someone just bashing away and being mean.

 

Your post and another persons post, tho felt harsh.... I did not take it that way. I felt your post came from a good place.

 

Because of you and the other person I called it quits with the ex. Everything you said was true. Thank you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Whichwayisup,

 

I don't think that post was for you. There was another post of someone just bashing away and being mean.

 

Your post and another persons post, tho felt harsh.... I did not take it that way. I felt your post came from a good place.

 

Because of you and the other person I called it quits with the ex. Everything you said was true. Thank you.

 

I'm.glad you are choosing to move on from this situation.

 

I don't tend to have sympathy for many intentional OW.

 

But I believe you do want something better for yourself and will go and get it now that you've reoriented yourself.

 

Don't settle for breadcrumbs.

[whichwayisup]

It's just sad that he didn't give you an opportunity to change or work with him to make things better. He just made a decision and you had no say in it, hence turning your world upside down.

 

Thanks, I'm known for my harshness, in a respectful way!

 

Just be strong when he approaches you in the future! And he will! Be flattered by it and even tell him that but then let him know that you aren't interested in having sex with him ever again and it's in the past. That actually will knock his ego a bit and also make you feel more in control and he'll see he can't manipulate or sweet talk you anymore.

[13Hearts]

In my hearts of hearts I don't believed be cheated. He left before he could I would say. Our marriage was great. He was a great partner with a great family who till this day are still saddened with the divorce. His mom in particular.

 

I just got off the phone with him and talked about our "situation" he agreed we should stop and that's it.

 

I was doing this for all the wrong reasons. Although I'm not emotionally attached to him, I am now done with being used as some of you pointed out. It's been hard being alone. But like I said, so much damaged had been done, I can't see my self with him.

 

However, he has developed a conscience before and ended our little adventures but that only lasted a few days. He would always come back. I wonder how long it will take him to get over it and come around again... Or if this is really it.

 

They always come back.

 

If something about thinking of yourself as "being used" is helpful to you, go ahead and think of it that way, but I see it more as this person you used to be married to is very confused. I understand physical attraction, and passion, but if you spend enough intimate time with him, you'll become confused too. How old are you and he?

 

You two are still bonded and the co-parenting is putting you in circumstances that bring that bondedness to the forefront. A cooperative co-parent is pretty attractive, huh? Especially when you are still maybe a little emotionally attached to that person, even if divorced. I'm not sure how you can prevent that from happening, other than not ever being alone with him.

 

I hear what you're saying that he agrees you need to stop but it sounds to me like YOU need to be the one who maintains control here (because he probably won't). I'm glad you have shared how having sex with him makes you feel (in relation to the new wife). But you may want to evaluate that and see if that feeling is enough to risk damaging your own self-esteem (assuming you feel it's morally wrong to have sex with a married person, etc). Thinking through all that ahead of time might help you when he comes back and the passionate feelings strike again.

 

And yeah, don't worry about what he may or may not have done in the past. What's done is done. He is who he is, and I'm sure you know him better than anyone on the planet, including anyone posting on this website. I'm sure he seems safe to have sex with since you don't get out much, and it's easy and comfortable because you both already know how eachother works in bed; just maybe it's a good idea to use protection? Or wouldn't you just want to have one more baby by him Just kidding. The new wife would just love that!

 

You really are the one in control of this situation, if you ask me. It's up to you whether you want him that way anymore. I guess it depends on your priorities, that is, spending time with your kids (but keeping him around) -vs- dating (and kicking him to the curb).

[13Hearts]

I know why we divorced. It was my fault. Being a military wife is not easy. But I loved it. I helped him and his career. Helped raise his family and move around a lot. But I lost who I was. I was not me, I was everything around me. I lost my identity. It happened so sudden too. I didn't even realize is lost me until it was to late. With all the moving, training, kids, I had no time for me. I was not ambitious and just had no drive.

 

Now I know it's not entirely my fault. He should have stepped up and things but if I didn't understand my faults, then I'd never grow, change and blossom as a person. I know what I did and hope to change it for the next relationship (if ever there is another).

 

I learned I have to be independent and not rely on anyone, I need to take control of my life and not let anyone change me.

 

Being around people is going to change you. IDK how old you are or what your story is, but from what I understand marrying young and having kids, and raising a family and making a home can completely take over your life and define you. That's not your fault.

[sandylee1]

I know why we divorced. It was my fault. Being a military wife is not easy. But I loved it. I helped him and his career. Helped raise his family and move around a lot. But I lost who I was. I was not me, I was everything around me. I lost my identity. It happened so sudden too. I didn't even realize is lost me until it was to late. With all the moving, training, kids, I had no time for me. I was not ambitious and just had no drive.

 

Now I know it's not entirely my fault. He should have stepped up and things but if I didn't understand my faults, then I'd never grow, change and blossom as a person. I know what I did and hope to change it for the next relationship (if ever there is another).

 

I learned I have to be independent and not rely on anyone, I need to take control of my life and not let anyone change me.

 

I've a good friend with 3 kids who split with her ex and is so happy with the new guy. You can focus on you when the kids are with their dad and try and meet people. Many people find a new partner even with kids..... you'll be fine once you're in the right frame of mind.

 

BTW .on being used..it's a used...don't look at it that way..I'm sure you got pleasure out of it too. Chalk it down to an experience.

 

There are divorced dads with kids who prefer a woman with kids..as they understand everything. You don't introduce a new man to them until it's very serious. Till then you can see him (when you find him ☺) on your parent free days.

 

Don't relegate yourself to a single life.

 

 

Good luck

[EverySunset]

I meant to write this earlier but you got a lot of good solid advice and moved on before I had the chance. However I figured I should still post it, for when his marriage gets monotonous or difficult, and he comes knocking again, and I'm fairly sure he will.

 

If your XH cheated on you with this woman, she obviously knew and facilitated it, until they could get married themselves. In that case, "outing him" probably wouldn't have had the impact you imagine it might. If she wasn't cheating with him... well, that would be kinda sad. By all accounts you seem good and upstanding, not the kind to willingly hurt another woman just for a bit of sex, especially the woman who helps your ex with your children.

 

I'm glad youve moved on. I've worn a lot of hats in my life, and I don't judge. This is the kind of advice is sit down and have with a close friend - your life is simply easier, and healthier, when you don't pursue situations that have the potential for extreme fallout. A single man can offer so much more for you.

 

You've gotten through breaking up with this man, you can walk away clean now. Focus on you, and your heart will open up and be receptive of the right people. You sound ready for a new, bright, happy chapter in your life :-)

[Moniq]

Thank you all for your comments.

 

I am 33 and he's 36. We did marry young and as soon as we married we moved away.

 

Being the OW was never my intentions. I depended so much on my ex because I had no one else. Being away from family and friends really sucks so I turned to the only person I knew... Him. He is like my security blanket.

 

And as for him coming back... He always does. I don't understand it. He's tried to be faithful to his wife but that never lasted long.

 

I know it's no excuse but even tho I'm over the divorce, I somehow still feel he's mine and never felt bad about being the OW. At times it felt good knowing he still wants me but it's weird. Like that physical attraction never turned off with the divorce.

[SSJROMANCE]

Your ex is using you. Sounds like he was using you when you were married. He may like you for only one thing - sex. You have to wonder what other women does he have on the side? Stop this behavior immediately. I would notify the wife and say "See what happens when you marry a cheater? Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater." and tell her what is going on. I would not let this guy have his way ever again. He is hurting too many women for his own selfish reasons.

[sandylee1]

Thank you all for your comments.

 

I am 33 and he's 36. We did marry young and as soon as we married we moved away.

 

Being the OW was never my intentions. I depended so much on my ex because I had no one else. Being away from family and friends really sucks so I turned to the only person I knew... Him. He is like my security blanket.

 

And as for him coming back... He always does. I don't understand it. He's tried to be faithful to his wife but that never lasted long.

 

I know it's no excuse but even tho I'm over the divorce, I somehow still feel he's mine and never felt bad about being the OW. At times it felt good knowing he still wants me but it's weird. Like that physical attraction never turned off with the divorce.

 

I see your point. There's a few ex wives who still sleep with their ex and don't view themselves as the OW.

 

At 33...you've got so much of your life ahead of you. Enjoy it and try and avoid being with him where you can get tempted.

 

 

So that means ..you drop the kids off ..or be ready to go out if he's picking the kids up. When he drops them back make sure you're in the middle of something.. you don't have the time to get intimate again.

 

Most of all. ...get yourself out there and live.☺

[Moniq]

Ssjromance,

 

That is no way to act. I will never tell his wife what is going on. People here need to think twice before you type. You know nothing of my ex. And to say here that I should out him and ruin him is just wrong. You know nothing of what he does for me and our children. He never just walked out on us. He left me with security. He pays child support and then some. Whatever I need for the kids he's there, he spends lots of time with his kids. He's a good man with a messed up mind. You can't completely judge someone by just one action.

 

I apparently have my own issues I have to work through. And I will never intentionally want to hurt someone. What I did although the wrong was something that happened in a way i can't explain... Actually I did explain so read up.

 

His wife is good to the kids and why change that.

[elaine567]

Truth is you were both using each other, you needed some intimacy and to feel you belong to someone again, whilst at the same time "getting back" at his wife, and he, I guess, swung back into old habits with a willing ex wife.

 

However it is not healthy for either of you, and should his wife and the kids find out, then the consequences for all concerned could be dire here.

 

You need to put the past behind you and I am glad the forum as showed you that.

You are still a young woman and could have a bright future ahead, do not spend the next 10 years servicing your ex, and at 43 end up bitter and twisted.

[SSJROMANCE]

Ssjromance,

 

That is no way to act. I will never tell his wife what is going on. People here need to think twice before you type. You know nothing of my ex. And to say here that I should out him and ruin him is just wrong. You know nothing of what he does for me and our children. He never just walked out on us. He left me with security. He pays child support and then some. Whatever I need for the kids he's there, he spends lots of time with his kids. He's a good man with a messed up mind. You can't completely judge someone by just one action.

 

I apparently have my own issues I have to work through. And I will never intentionally want to hurt someone. What I did although the wrong was something that happened in a way i can't explain... Actually I did explain so read up.

 

His wife is good to the kids and why change that.

 

I suggest counseling ASAP before you spend another second with your Ex. This whole thing is messed up and you are fueling it all. He is essentially paying you for sex and to keep quiet - in my opinion. One of my old friends used to have 10 women on the side. He used them for sex - that is all he wanted. He wined and dined them bought them gifts and on and on. But at the end of the day it was all about the sex and the women accepted that. Anyhow the fact that you will never tell his wife what is going on is a reflection of the kind of person you are. Get help.

[Moniq]

Ok. Sure. You know it all. You are the expert. You are just trying to cause a fuss. Me not trying to cause trouble is a reflection of me... Ok. Whatever you say master. Why can't I just let it go? Move on? What's it to you.

 

Yeah. I need counseling asap. why are you on this forum? Why are you on this sight? To give your expert advice? To try to make the world a better place?

 

Go live your own life rather than try to "fix" someone else. You are delusional.

 

Bully, bashing, I guess that's your thing. But I don't think that's what this forums about.

 

Jerk.

[sandylee1]

Ok. Sure. You know it all. You are the expert. You are just trying to cause a fuss. Me not trying to cause trouble is a reflection of me... Ok. Whatever you say master. Why can't I just let it go? Move on? What's it to you.

 

Yeah. I need counseling asap. why are you on this forum? Why are you on this sight? To give your expert advice? To try to make the world a better place?

 

Go live your own life rather than try to "fix" someone else. You are delusional.

 

Bully, bashing, I guess that's your thing. But I don't think that's what this forums about.

 

Jerk.

 

Just ignore the unhelpful advice.

 

Some people carry their bitterness around and find it hard to be objective. I believe an ignore button exists somewhere.

 

You're not being paid for sex..he'd have to pay what he does regardless.

[13Hearts]

The kind of person you are is human, Moniq. People are going to judge when you share this kind of info. You obviously know there is something wrong and need to get some perspective so you can fix it. Other people's judgments aren't going to help so ignore that.