alwayswondering Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Just wondering, how long do you think you should date before getting engaged, or how soon is too soon. Providing you are both late 20's, stable, know it is right, done sowing "wild oats".................is 6 months too soon even if the wedding won't be for about a year??? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 You can never wait too long but you can certainly move too fast. No matter what responses you get to that question your situation is unique and you can't gauge what is best for you based on what worked or didn't work for others. You will know when its time but you have to allow your partner to feel that as well and not rush them in to it. Have the two of you discussed it...as far as your future and getting married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwayswondering Posted June 9, 2005 Author Share Posted June 9, 2005 yes, we have both talked about it and both want it and neither one of us have doubts. We both want to get married and have a future and a family and not wait for years and years. We are both almost 30 and have have many prior past relationships in order to know what works and what doesn't sensibly and respect each other and love each other. If we were to get engaged in the next several months, we would not get married for at least a year. I guess I am just concerned about friends and family freaking out over it and not getting their support. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Originally posted by tngirl1976 yes, we have both talked about it and both want it and neither one of us have doubts. We both want to get married and have a future and a family and not wait for years and years. We are both almost 30 and have have many prior past relationships in order to know what works and what doesn't sensibly and respect each other and love each other. If we were to get engaged in the next several months, we would not get married for at least a year. I guess I am just concerned about friends and family freaking out over it and not getting their support. So you are worried that you haven't been together that long and those around will you think it is too soon to be getting engaged? How long have you two been dating? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Why would you care about what other's think? It's YOUR marriage. Just remember the puppy dog love stage in relationships last for 6 months to a year. Then it turns into a sustaining love. Each couple is different. Such as my parents. They lived only 5 miles apart from each other, went to the same school. They never met. After graduation my dad went into Vietnam, and my mom stayed back and worked. She heard about sending xmas cards overseas to the soliders, so she sent like 10 of them. My dad got one and wrote back. They wrote to each other for two years while he was over there. He surprised her, didn't tell her when he was coming back. One day dressed in his uniform he knocked on her door. She said she just about fainted. They soon got married after, my mom's parents didn't care for things going so fast, however they are still together today after 36 years. So it does work out. Have you two been living together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwayswondering Posted June 9, 2005 Author Share Posted June 9, 2005 we have been together 6 months. Do not actually "live" together but he spends a significant amount of time at my place (he has a roomate) and we have been on trips together. We have both been single for the last several years but feel as if we know each other better after 6 months than in previous relationships that were 2-3 years long. He was married before, very young, but only for a few months. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 I would at least live together before getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 If you are worried about your friends and family thinking it is too quick then try involving him more with them so that they are comfortable with him. The only reasons family or friends get concerned about a relationship going to fast is that they see some bad signs about the person or the just simply don't know enough about them and that concerns them to think of you marry them. Bring him with you when you around the family or family functions. Go out as couple with your friends and let everyone get to know this guy as you have so that they are comfortable with him and begin to see you two as a couple. Your guy sounds similar to myself. I was married when I was younger for a few months, long story but end result I was too young and learned a lot from it. I waited till I was 28 to get married again and it didn't take me as long to "know" the second time that I was ready. But I made myself wait to ensure I wasn't over looking any potential future issues that the blinding "puppy love" as jmargel said often can do. Like I said before you can never wait too long so take your time. In the end your family and friends support will come when they see that you are happy and that this guy is the cause of it. Any reason for the rush other than you are just ready? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 I would date for a year (9 months if you are spending all your time at each other's places), then move in together for at least six months. You don't know how well you mesh until you spend a protracted amount of time in each other's space. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwayswondering Posted June 9, 2005 Author Share Posted June 9, 2005 there is no rush other than the fact that we both feel we are ready. I sometimes think there is such a thing as dating too long because of convenience or whatever. I have been in two pervious 3 year long relationships and the feelings I had for them never even came close to the ones I have for curret bf, not just physical or anything like that, just respect and a connection and trust. By the time we got married, we would have been together about a year and a half. I think it is different because we are older, I know I am a much different person at 29 than I was at 22 when my last serious relationship began. In the time in between, I did my share of partying and running into what I didn't want, and endless jerks, and I guess I just want the whole world to know I am happy and trust someone for once in my life. He feels the same way too. he brought up the engagement/marriage, not me, but I feel the same way. Do ya'll think I am crazy? Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 I don't think you are crazy at all and this is a good thing not something that should be seen with any kind of negativity. As complete strangers we would all advice you to be sure and take your time. Those closest to you will tell you the same. But ultimately you are both adults and so long as the two of you are communicating and on the same page then the gamble is all yours to take. I don't think you would be here asking this question though if there was not some part of you that might think it is too soon. Maybe it just to gain some insight on what those closest will think of all it too. Don't just follow your heart but think about the present and future with this man long and hard. You will know when you are ready and no one can tell when that is. I wish you the best of luck but have fun and enjoy each other and let this engagement thing takes its own course instead of forcing the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Originally posted by jmargel I would at least live together before getting married. couples who live together before marriage have a bit higher divorce rate than couples that do not. its a fact, jack! Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwayswondering Posted June 9, 2005 Author Share Posted June 9, 2005 thanks for the advice tudor! By they way, I am not asking about living together, it is not possible for us to live together until April since I have a tiny one bedroom apartment and I am stuck in a lease. BUT, just because you get engaged does not mean you have to get married immediately, it would still be a while, we would live together after we were engaged, a few months before the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Go thru the 4 seasons with someone before you get married to them. That way, you see them through their dry skin, allergy spells and all! And don't shack up! If he's that much of a keeper, you'll have kids one day that you can explain that you waited and did the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Originally posted by tngirl1976 I sometimes think there is such a thing as dating too long because of convenience or whatever. Six months is hardly too long. Something like 10 years is too long, in some cases. I would wait at least a year before getting engaged. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Ditto for me. One year is perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 couples who live together before marriage have a bit higher divorce rate than couples that do not. its a fact, jack! That presumes a faulty cause-effect analysis. People who live in my city are healthier than others in this country. However it doesn't mean that just living here makes you healthier. And that a couple doesn't divorce does not mean that it's a happy or healthy marriage. So that statistic is absolutely worthless for the purposes of this discussion. I'll say this again: it can take up to a year for the really serious flaws to appear. So waiting less than a year could be a bad idea and if this is the person that you're best matched to, waiting a while won't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
OneFaith Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 I wouldnt put a time limit on it. I would go by what you know about your partner instead. What's his moral and ethical issues? Do they agree with yours mostly? How does he treat his family? How does he treat animals? Does he have a temper? Is he a great communicator? When you fight or have a verbal match, how does he react? Is everything "his" and not yours? Is he selfish or is he generous? How does he respond to monetary issues? Is he a big spender? Does he neglect bills (responsibilities) and rather buy a 500.00 dvd player? The questions can go on and on. I think its more important to notice those "red flags" or "warning signs" than it is to be concerned with the length of time you date before getting engaged. If there is none then go for it. Who is to tell you what is right for you both? Only you can decide or both. I know in my childhood years our next door neighbors knew each other for 3 weeks and got married. To this day they are happily married and for over 35 years. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 I know in my childhood years our next door neighbors knew each other for 3 weeks and got married. To this day they are happily married and for over 35 years. And some women who marry men they've known for only three weeks end up dead. Better safe than sorry, I say. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 I've heard that you don't really get to know someone as their true self til nine months into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts