SethDamien Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) Learn to love yourself Dont compare yourself to others Be content being alone Move on Some of the golden advice i hear which i would love to see myself in... but its really easier said. -I want to move on from my previous relationship, but i cant stop loving her even though ive been on several dates already. I still wake up with a pounding heart. -"Stop finding a partner - she'll come when you least expect it" but why do i have this urgency to find a replacement? Is it because i feel so lonely? does this have something to do with the next item? -I dont understand the concept of loving myself... of course i do! I am trying to fix my life, i am trying to move on, but i just cant let go of past emotions... does that mean i dont love myself? -I keep telling myself i shouldn't envy for the success of others, i should be happy for them, but deep inside i feel self pity. I dont have a car yet, one reason i feel ashamed in meeting my friends who have one. -exercise? check -spend time with family and friends? check -do something you are passionate about? check -spend time with myself? all the time! check I know going through the same path will lead me nowhere. So how do i set my mind to lead a truly happy life? Im tired of living like this. Edited February 9, 2016 by SethDamien 2 Link to post Share on other sites
louxor Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 (edited) but why do i have this urgency to find a replacement? Is it because i feel so lonely? does this have something to do with the next item? You may be feeling this urgency as your ex has left a void in your life in which you are now trying to fill. It could be that you subconciously associate being happy with being with your ex, so you are trying to find someone else instead, with the hopes that this new person will be able to fill this void your ex left behind. -I dont understand the concept of loving myself... of course i do! I am trying to fix my life, i am trying to move on, but i just cant let go of past emotions... does that mean i dont love myself? No, its means that you are human. It's not about letting go of past emotions per say, no one can just up and forget about their ex and the emotions associated with them. Instead, it's about asking yourself the question as to why the emotions are still completely encompassing you - And I think, if I may, that this concept of the void that I have mentioned above may be playing a significant role in all of this. -I keep telling myself i shouldn't envy for the success of others, i should be happy for them, but deep inside i feel self pity. I dont have a car yet, one reason i feel ashamed in meeting my friends who have one. There is always going to be someone better than you - Someone more successful, good looking, richer, smarter, funnier, it's simply a fact of life. However, this does not mean in any way whatsoever that you should feel ashamed of yourself! I guarantee you possess skills/attributes that make other jealous, that make them wish they could have them. It's much easier to see and long for what we don't have, than it is to be grateful for what we do have. So keeping that in mind, I encourage you to take a step back and have a look at all the things you do have, and then think about all the people in this world who would be ecstatic if they could just have a taste of what you have. I know going through the same path will lead me nowhere. So how do i set my mind to lead a truly happy life? Im tired of living like this. Ask yourself this question: "Why am I not happy?" Have a long, deep think about it. Really narrow in on the core reasons behind it. Until you can properly and thoroughly decipher and answer that question, none of us here can really give you useful advice. Edited February 10, 2016 by louxor Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Learn to love yourself Dont compare yourself to others Be content being alone Move on Some of the golden advice i hear which i would love to see myself in... but its really easier said. I hear you on this one. All of the above advice is perfectly sound and wonderful for people who don't have major issues. If you've basically grown up in a loving household, weren't abused as a child, and have not much more wrong with your life than feeling occasionally left out, then the above will do perfectly well. If however that isn't your background the above advice is at best trite and at worst completely useless. Ask me how I know.....:roll eyes: Many, many people in society haven't experienced the happy life scenario that everyone thinks is the common experience in the west. They then go through adulthood with hidden issues that continually play out as some kind of repeated failure, the cause of which eludes them. Doing all of the above and still being clueless about what lies beneath just ends in frustration and yet more well meaning advice to do the above. It becomes a vicious cycle. I posted in your other thread about how I became hamstrung by a relationship failure and it continued to play out in my life some half a decade later. I had no idea I was still clinging to it, and apparently so much so that it affected not only my relational life but also my ability to do other un-related things like buying a house etc. It actually took an illness before the hidden issue became known. If the trauma was big enough, you can get stuck at this one point in your life and none of the lightweight stuff you listed will be able to fix it. It takes awareness of the specific issue and also how it continues to play out. A therapist may help, as can meditative practice and introspection. But mostly this stuff gets buried so deep that the self-help route often takes years to really uncover it. If you'd like more movement than that then seek out a competent therapist. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 (edited) Ive pondered this many times.. In the years I have been on this planet, i've discovered two elements that the people who are truly "happy", possess On the one hand you have those uncaring types that don't have any real compassion and don't let feelings like guilt spoil their "fun" or personal satisfaction..It's all about them and they don't care about the things most do, so they operate freely and unencumbered. The other group is too stupid/ignorant to know any better or even care...They don't burden themselves with lofty unattainable life goals that just lead to a let down, like the rest do... The rest of us are governed by feelings that will constantly put a stick in the spokes of the wheel of "happiness"...It's just a part of being human...I don't worry too much about it anymore...I just accept that life isn't always filled with self satisfaction and euphoria...It's an idealistic concept, and I don't operate that way... Hats off to any of you all that achieve it... TFY Edited February 10, 2016 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Key to Happiness: Stop Thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I wallowed in despair for several years after breaking up with my boyfriend. He didn't want me anymore-a real blow to my self-esteem, so I have experienced, among the many on LS, what you're experiencing. It takes time for the reality of rejection to settle in and be accepted by the dumped. But one day, believe me, you will suddenly see the light, that you're worth so much more than what your ex thinks of you. "Why have I been measuring myself against her standards?" you will question. "Why do I let her opinions of me, rule me, govern my every thought, suck the life out of me?" She's just another speck of dust, like all of us, in this vast universe. Sure, she was once into you, you have wonderful memories of being with her and it's ok to reminisce, but that was the past. She's not the same person she used to be. Unfortunately, people can change. Once you can accept this- and it will happen in time, the dark clouds will lift. I agree with Buddhist about seeking therapy. I've read some of your other posts about your loneliness and boredom. It's ok to post, but you're not going to get the professional support you really need to help you through this journey, here. Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 (edited) -I dont understand the concept of loving myself... of course i do! I am trying to fix my life, i am trying to move on, but i just cant let go of past emotions... does that mean i dont love myself? . If you love/value yourself for who you are, naturally you will be attracted to people who also appreciate you, not people who reject and dump you like your ex. Hankering after people who reject you makes no sense, unless you have been taught in your childhood to self-reject, which stems from some dysfunction in your upbringing. Once again, a good therapist can help you work that one out. Edited February 12, 2016 by truthtripper 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 If you love/value yourself for who you are, naturally you will be attracted to people who also appreciate you, not people who reject and dump you like your ex. Hankering after people who reject you makes no sense, unless you have been taught in your childhood to self-reject, which stems from some dysfunction in your upbringing. Once again, a good therapist can help you work that one out. True enough. Getting therapy is a good idea. The OP can also work on cultivating a warm sense of self right now. Meditation is a good place to start. Reading books about self-compassion has helped me. I've experienced lots of rejection from both friends, peers and family and it has shaped the way I see myself. It takes a lot of work to change a self perception. Here are some things I do that help: 1. Surround yourself with people who love/like you unconditionally. This way when I act silly or mess up in some way I will receive support not condemnation. 2. Meditate. It helps calm the mind. 3. Exercise. Mind/body connection. 4. Read up on basic human cravings. Being needy is human and therefore normal. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 almost all the books and studies say happiness comes from giving to others. that's why they always suggest volunteering and giving back socially to find your inner happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 almost all the books and studies say happiness comes from giving to others. that's why they always suggest volunteering and giving back socially to find your inner happiness. There is nothing like giving to others to help take our focus away from ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Keys to happiness, according to Pteromom: - Do not have expectations of other people. Having expectations leads to disappointment. When you go into a relationship with expectations of what that relationship SHOULD be, you will be let down over and over. Instead focus on building something great WITH your partner (or friend or parent or child.) - Accept other people for who they are. Some of them are quite damaged. It will be unhealthy for you to be close to some of them, so keep these people at an emotional distance. - You have to have head/heart balance. You can't be swept away on a wave of love and lust and butterflies, and ignore HUGE incompatibilities in your values, goals, and definitions of a good relationship. You can't ignore whether a person is mature and capable of giving you what you need. - Be who you are. Don't twist yourself into a pretzel trying to be what other people want you to be. Don't feel guilt and pressure to be what website lists tell you to be. Wear what you want to wear. Be as sexy - or unsexy - as you want to be. Speak your truths. Those who vibe with you will be drawn to you. Those who don't will be repelled by you. And that's the way it should be - you don't need to be everything to everyone. - BUT - make sure that who you are is based in reality and not mental illness, PTSD, or internal damage of some kind. If you are being who you are to portray some kind of image to the world, as a defense mechanism, or because of what people from your past said/did to you, this is not your true self and you should pursue healing for that. - Be honest about who you are - especially when trying to build romantic relationships! There is no point in trying to be what someone wants, because your real self will come out eventually. Better to end it at the beginning than later when you are "in love" with someone who you are not happy with. - Embrace the things in life that make you laugh and smile; the things that fill you up. - Let go of the things in life that pull you down; the things that prevent you from becoming more of what you want to be. This includes excessive drinking, drugs, porn, negative self-talk, indulging in negative hobbies (like reading poor-me websites, having friends who drain you, continuing to put time and energy into things you hate to do.) - Be kind to people. Be giving. Open your heart to the world. If you are unable to let go of bitterness, anger, hatred, find professional help to do so - or start reading self-help books and find key thoughts to start changing the way you think. - Live in the moment. Right now, as you sit at your computer or phone, what is going on around you? What do you see around you? Hear? Smell? What is the temperature? Touch the things around you and pay attention to their textures. What are the textures of the clothes you are wearing? Look at your fingers. Feel your lungs pulling in and pushing out air. Start getting in a habit of doing this, and noticing how wondrous and beautiful and interesting the world is. When you are in the muck of your own negative self-talk, shake your head and pull yourself to the present moment. When you are with people, make your focus connecting with these people. EVEN if you are an introvert and quiet, you can connect with them in your mind. Who do they remind you of? What value can you find in what they are saying or doing? If you have a positive reaction to them, why? What traits do you enjoy or admire? If you have a negative reaction to them, why? What traits do they have that reflect what you don't like about yourself, or the fears you have inside? Learning to think like this will keep you in the moment, and prevent you from reliving past relationships. And it will help you learn more about yourself. Really the key to happiness is KNOWING yourself, being true to yourself, and never stopping working on getting more authentic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 If you don't let yourself get TOO emotionally invested in petty things, then that will go a long way towards becoming a happier person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 Ive pondered this many times.. In the years I have been on this planet, i've discovered two elements that the people who are truly "happy", possess On the one hand you have those uncaring types that don't have any real compassion and don't let feelings like guilt spoil their "fun" or personal satisfaction..It's all about them and they don't care about the things most do, so they operate freely and unencumbered. The other group is too stupid/ignorant to know any better or even care...They don't burden themselves with lofty unattainable life goals that just lead to a let down, like the rest do... The rest of us are governed by feelings that will constantly put a stick in the spokes of the wheel of "happiness"...It's just a part of being human...I don't worry too much about it anymore...I just accept that life isn't always filled with self satisfaction and euphoria...It's an idealistic concept, and I don't operate that way... Hats off to any of you all that achieve it... TFY http://images-cdn.9gag.com/photo/a8WDp63_700b.jpg 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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