depressed, obsessed...just not feeling too good in general...

[Donburi]

It's ok if no one responds to this...writing it out makes me feel a little better...

 

I have never been this low. I feel stupid for feeling so depressed too, over a freakin' RELATIONSHIP. I try to tell myself, be thankful you're healthy, that you're decent looking, that you have a good life, born in a good country, etc...but I can't help it, my mind always wonders back to my ex, and slowly but surely I can feel myself sinking into depression...I really don't know what to do.

 

To give you some backround, I cheated on my ex-bf of three years. The cheating wasn't a relationship, just sort of a one time thing. He walked in on his good friend who had also become to be my good friend, coming on to me, which I did not stop right away. After much talk about his behavior towards me during the whole time we were friends, we both agreed that even though I was very stupid and selfish for letting that happen, that his friend had been using me all along and had manipulated me in some way. I have very low self-essteem, very insecure, and I doubt just about everything. So whenever I was worried about my relationship with my bf, I guess the friend took advantage of that. I'm not trying to find an excuse for what I did, but this is how my bf views it, and to be completely honest, I had no intentions of having this happen, I did not initiate it, and I tried to stop him from doing it. Yes, I was attracted to him, but I know that that it was merely just some sort of infactuation, because he had always complimented me and made me feel good about myself. I didn't know then that he had said those sweet things in order to do what he did or attempted to do later on.

 

Well, its been about a month since it has happened. My ex and I have been through times of NC and LC. He has neither felt better or worse about the situation, it seems. All he can tell me is that he doesn't want to date me right now and that maybe we can date again in the future...maybe not. To me, the door still seems to be open, slightly anyways. He knows how sorry I am, and he knows that I'm waiting for him to be ready. It seems obvious that he still wants me in his life, since he still talks to me. He is/was very serious about me, and loved me very much.

 

Well, he left for Japan this morning, he will be there for three weeks. We both agreed this will be a good oppurtunity for him to take his mind off of things and just relax.

 

I guess the issue I have right now is his friends. When I entered the picture, I only had a few friends of my own, which I lost later on the past three years because they changed into people I did not like. My ex-bf and his group of friends had become the only people in my life, unhealthy, I know. That caused us to have probs before. Since I was so shy though, I only clung to my ex and never really socialized with his friends, even though I thought they were cool people. Well, it was only a few months ago when the "friend" started to warm up to me, and I was surprised to see how compatible we were. I guess I was always fond of him because he was the jokster in the group and always made me laugh. We started to hang out, hardly ever alone though, because I was still too shy for that. But even in a group of people (w/o my ex), I would only talk to him because he was the only person I had become to feel comfortable around besides my ex. For a while my ex was happy that I was being social on my own, he loved me but he did feel suffocated a bit. But later on he started to feel a bit jealous. He would make comments about how I liked the "friend" more and this and that, and I always had reassured him that nothing would happen, and that I didn't like him like that. At the time I really did mean it. I've heard that his other friends were bothered that I chose to become closer to the "friend" than to any of them. They said they have tried to show interest in getting to know me but I never reciprocated, which I find hard to believe. Because I'm so sensitive, I was a bit turned off by his other friends because they would always tease and poke fun at me.

 

Well, anyways, these other friends are trying to start things now, it seems. Almost all of them are telling my ex-bf to just forget about me and drop all contact with me, which is understandable, they are looking out for their friend's benefit. What puzzles me though is that my ex was very hurt by the "friends" actions and now hates him with a passion and yet, all his other friends are still on good terms with the "friend." My ex feels betrayed in a way. So I guess we both find it kind of odd that all of his other friends are saying "we don't hate the friend, we hate the gf!"

 

Recently some of his friends have been trying to talk to me on AIM and stuff. Sometimes it seems like they are genuinely showing concern for my well-being, other times they say things that rip my heart apart. They will say things like my ex is completely over me and that he is looking foward to meeting women in Japan as well as in the states, etc... I try to explain to them that this is not the case, my ex would have told me so if he felt that he wasn't able to ever be with me again. And it is true, my ex is a very good guy, he would not lead me on to something. But there is something that one of his friends did that really bothered me. We all have accounts on livejournal, and generally have a good time there, share jokes 'n stories and whatnot. Very big fun community. Well, just yesterday, one of his friends pubicly wrote me a "letter" saying how I was a fool for waiting around for a man who tells everyone I am dead to him, that he hates me so much, etc... This was public. How can I not be bothered? I doubt he would make up lies like this where my ex could easily see it. I asked my ex about this and he denies it, he says he doesn't know why his friend would do that. But he won't go and try to post a comment denying it either, my ex says he does not want to bother with this stuff anymore.

 

I guess this has always been kind of an issue. It seems that in the past his friends would try "stir" things up in our relationship before. Some of them would tell me stories about my ex and his ex, saying things that would obviously bother me. This always resulted in me running to my ex in tears asking if it were true and him always saying no, don't listen to other people. None of his good friends would tell me these kind of things, his closer friends liked me, I think. It was usually his friends that he had been on bad terms with in the past and not as close with were the ones who would start ****, so to speak. (the friend who posted that letter on livejournal used to steal stuff from my ex, so they never were close to begin with.)

His guess is that these friends had always been jealous of him and didn't really want him to find happiness. So you're probably thinking, well why is he friends with people like this and he's not really, he is just too passive to tell them that he doesn't really like them. And well, in this group, everyone is friends with everyone, so him doing so would just be a bad chain reaction.

 

I never took my ex's advice though. I always listened to other people and let their words bother me. That is why I got in the situation I did, I listened to all the negative things the "friend" had to say and believed it.

 

I'm just so confused right now...I want to listen to my ex and for the most part I am. But what if these friends are actually concerned for my well-being? What if they are trying to warn me? The fact that my ex isn't doing anything about this friend spreading these so-called lies on livejournal upsets me too. I'm so scared that maybe he is being two-faced. But, maybe this is the time I can prove to him that I won't believe others and I can do it WITHOUT his reassurance. Who knows.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention, after reading the livejournal post, I called my ex about it. He said he wanted me to contact him if anymore of these "rumors" came up and stuff. I was very upset at the time and asked if they were lies, why would he make it public and all my ex could say was I don't know, I don't know. When I asked him if he could post a comment denying it he got pretty peeved and said he doesn't want anything to do with this. I can understand why he got mad because he felt I was pressuring him to do something. But at the time, I took his answer as a "all those things ARE true and I don't want my friends to see I'm denying it" so after a moment of silence I told him that I won't hope anymore so he didn't have to worry about it. He responded with well, I never asked you to have hope and we sort of hung up after that. He called back a minute later asking if I was threatening him by saying that. I told him no, that I just felt like the chances of US happening was really hopeless. He said he had never once said that it was over for good but he just can't do anything right now. He said maybe something in the future can happen, maybe not, only time will tell. The fact that he called back and reassured me in some way made me feel better so I told him I'll wait as long as he needs. He doesn't seem to mind that I'm waiting for him, but he said he feels pressured whenever I ask about the status of us. I don't really do that anymore.

 

He says if anymore "drama" comes up I can write him an email to Japan about it, but other than that, he just wants to use this trip to get away from it all. It makes me sad when he keeps saying he won't want to come back (but reassured me that he will)...he actually wrote a livejournal post recently too, he talked about his move to Japan next year (something we planned on doing together) and how he hopes to find a job out there, etc...He says when he moves he will miss alot of things here, but recently there has been alot of crap going on, and he said just because bad things happened doesn't mean he is forced to stand around and put up with it. He talked about how he is ready to start a new life in Japan, etc...I really didn't know how to take this. Was it a hint? I asked him before since we planned on moving to Japan together to be teachers, was there anyway we could still do that? Was there a chance when he starts his new life in Japan if I could be involved and he said we'll see. When he talks about escaping it all I don't necessarily think he means me, otherwise he wouldn't be talking to me. I think he is just upset because of his friends still talking to the "friend" and for people starting so much un-needed drama. Again though, who knows.

 

I know from reading this I sound like a very dependent insecure person, and I am. but I've improved, believe it or not I've been much worse, and my ex sees this.

 

I do feel less hopeful than I have been though...He says its going to be a LONG time before he knows what to do, and who knows, maybe since he can't tell me straight to my face (even though he says he would) he is hoping that with enough time I'll forget about him and he won't have to worry about having that "talk." I guess I never really understood breaks or time away...What does time give you? Are you waiting for that day when something clicks in your head "OH! wait, I do love that person!" or do you already have an answer to what you WANT but you use time to weigh your options and choices...or do you use the time to see how serious and committed the other person is? I have no idea! I keep having to tell myself that everyone works differently...I'm just scared that with enough time he'll move on and forget about me...but then, I guess that is an answer...

 

 

I know I'm a terrible person for what I did, and I know I have many issues to work on. I have been working on them, despite feeling depressed everynow and then. I know I need to focus on myself right now.

 

But what I'm asking of you though is, from reading this, what does it seem like he wants? Is it possible he is saying one thing to his friends and saying another to me? I know if my ex hurt me the way I hurt him I'd probably be saying things like I hate him and never want to see him again too...but I feel that if one of my so-called friends posted a livejournal letter to him claiming that I hated him and stuff I would be bothered by it and tell her to knock it off. This doesn't seem to be the case for him, he is not going to do anything about it...

 

I don't know what to do...does it seem like there is still hope? Am I a fool for fighting to keep this relationship alive? He knows all he has to do to make me move on and forget about him is to tell me so...but he hasn't...

 

I feel sick all the time...I'm uneasy when I go to sleep and I'm uneasy when I wake up...

 

I wish he could tell me something concrete, good or bad, that way I can move on...

 

I'm so pathetic.

[Pyro]

Hi Donburi,

 

Unfortunately, I believe that all hope is lost for the relationship. Once the trust is gone, it very rarely comes back.

 

I think that you have beat yourself up enough now about this. You need to get back on track. Everyone gets a chance to start over. Learn from your mistake and get on with your life. The worst thing that you could do is to not learn from your mistakes. You will definently meet many new people and get a chance to apply what you have learned from your previous relationship.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Donburi]

Originally posted by The Riddler

Hi Donburi,

 

Unfortunately, I believe that all hope is lost for the relationship. Once the trust is gone, it very rarely comes back.

 

I think that you have beat yourself up enough now about this. You need to get back on track. Everyone gets a chance to start over. Learn from your mistake and get on with your life. The worst thing that you could do is to not learn from your mistakes. You will definently meet many new people and get a chance to apply what you have learned from your previous relationship.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

I appreciate you reading all this and commenting...but I still can't comprehend this kind of advice. I know there are tons of people out there, I've met alot of them, so has my ex. We both agreed that we have never found someone like eachother.

I'm just trying to understand, why should I move on and look at others when there is still a chance for us? I know there is a huge risk, I could very well be setting myself up to get hurt more, but I don't want to walk away from something without giving it my all.

 

I know I damaged the trust but I don't think its gone for good...I know its rare, but relationships can survive these kinda things if both partners are willing to work at it. He isn't right now...but he could very well be someday. We really were very serious about eachother, we were going to get married someday...

 

I'm sorry. I know I'm being stubborn. You're giving me very good advice but since that is not what I want to hear, I can't accept it. I'm very stupid and ignorant, I know.

 

Even though I'm insecure, if he makes it seem like there is a chance, then I can't help but cling to that...guess I'll be learning the hard way if you're right.

 

Thank you again though.

[Pyro]

Originally posted by Donburi

I appreciate you reading all this and commenting...but I still can't comprehend this kind of advice. I know there are tons of people out there, I've met alot of them, so has my ex. We both agreed that we have never found someone like eachother.

I'm just trying to understand, why should I move on and look at others when there is still a chance for us? I know there is a huge risk, I could very well be setting myself up to get hurt more, but I don't want to walk away from something without giving it my all.

 

I know I damaged the trust but I don't think its gone for good...I know its rare, but relationships can survive these kinda things if both partners are willing to work at it. He isn't right now...but he could very well be someday. We really were very serious about eachother, we were going to get married someday...

 

I'm sorry. I know I'm being stubborn. You're giving me very good advice but since that is not what I want to hear, I can't accept it. I'm very stupid and ignorant, I know.

 

Even though I'm insecure, if he makes it seem like there is a chance, then I can't help but cling to that...guess I'll be learning the hard way if you're right.

 

Thank you again though.

 

 

Sorry, I guess that i missed the part about you two considering working things out.

 

If you feel that there is a legitimate chance that you two will be able to get through the tough times, then all the more power to you.

 

For this kind of situation, yes it will take both of you to make it work. Have you considederd maybe seeing a relationship counselor for your problems? The ex and I tried it before. I liked the advice that was given. It may do you two wonders.

[Donburi]

Originally posted by The Riddler

Sorry, I guess that i missed the part about you two considering working things out.

 

If you feel that there is a legitimate chance that you two will be able to get through the tough times, then all the more power to you.

 

For this kind of situation, yes it will take both of you to make it work. Have you considederd maybe seeing a relationship counselor for your problems? The ex and I tried it before. I liked the advice that was given. It may do you two wonders.

 

 

Well, I don't exactly know for sure if he's considering it, but him saying things like maybe in the future we can or the fact that he simply can't tell me its over for good says something to me...but...I am an idiot, so who knows.

 

I really don't know how to go about finding a relationship counselor, nor do I have the money right now. I think considering our age most people would find it funny for us to go to a counselor, most have told me to move on and go meet people, I'm still young. He is 24 and I am 21. But we put three years into this, and we both agree its been the best three years of our life so I hope its worth saving.

 

I really would like to speak to a professional about this, though...I guess I will do my research. For now, the LS is doing a pretty good job.

 

May I ask how things worked out between you and your ex?

[Pyro]

You are not an iddiot.

 

Every relationship has it's challenges.

 

There is nothing funny about seeing a counselor. I am 24 myself and I have no shame in seeking help if necessary. I believe that it just goes to show that you will go all out to help your relationship. If you don't have the answer, talk to someone who can help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a counselor. As for the money, I am sure that if you do your research, then you should be able to find someone who can work with you on that.

 

I am glad that us here at LS are able to help.

 

People tell you to meet new people because that is the easy thing to do. If you and your BF want to make this work, then you need to go all out and make it work. Maybe time is all that you two need to make this work. I know that waiting is the most difficult part.

 

The more that i read and think about your post, the more that I realize how similar our situations are, or how I should say mine was. You say that both you and your BF are willing to work things out? That is what it takes. It needs willingness, patience, and cooperation from both ends.

 

Unfortunately for me, I was unable to get that from my ex. She was a tad too stubborn. She was a good person, but she was unwilling to compromise and have patience with me. I did all that i possibly could to make things work. That is why I am able to keep my head high because I know that even though it was a failure, I still gave it my all.

 

I hope that it is a different scenario with you and your BF when it is all said and done.