Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I need help on this... -just had our 4 year anniversary -living together 2.5 years -have a child -not engaged/married -feels like roommates/friends instead of couple -I don't like spending time with her I'd rather do my own thing -I try to force it to keep her happy but I can only keep it up a few days. The sex absolutely sucks and has since she had our child. It doesn't feel good for HER no matter what. She doesn't want to try anything new (raped by a BF daily for a few years). I have been video chatting with an old friend; masturbating on camera. My GF has been offering sex lately but I turn her down and she's getting self conscious. I don't think we would be together if we didn't have a child. We live together and split the bills. If we broke up neither of us could afford our rental alone, we are tied into a lease until December. So I'm stuck that way. I don't want to disappoint my family or lose time with my child. I don't want to deal with her if we break up and she gets bitchy. She knows that I'm withdrawn but doesn't know the extent of it. She may be pregnant again. We used protection every time but she's having all the symptoms she had with the last pregnancy. She keeps saying there is no way she is. I'm not completely miserable with her. I love her and she's a good partner. I don't know if I see myself happily with her forever. But maybe I wouldn't be happy with someone else either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 My GF has been offering sex lately but I turn her down and she's getting self conscious. Sad - both the situation and your self-destructive, passive/aggressive approach to it. You seem like a bright guy - don't you see the contradiction and irony in turning your partner down for sex and then complaining you live like roommates ?? You have grown-up problems, going to have to start acting like a man in order to solve them. And with one - or more - kids depending on you, hope you can consider the impact on everyone if you walk or continue to cheat. You've now gotten your GF pregnant twice. A liitle late to be acting as though you're single... Mr. Lucky 12 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Break up. Your going to father 2 kids to a woman you dont like sex with or enjoy spending time with. Who cares what your family thinks or if she gets bitchy. End it. Im sure after ending it she would want you to stay through December but st least by being honest you can truly be roomates and not have sex and you wont be cheating. The sex sucks because theres no affection nor romance. Good sex doesn't just happen. Neither of you are happy. End it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I turn her down for sex because it sucks, its not even enjoyable. I'd rather do my own thing, she knows that. I have a high sex drive and we use to do it daily. Once a week or two I say yes and we have sex now. She offers daily - soemtimes multiple times a day - even though she has a low sex drive. There is no affection on her side. She never wants to kiss or make out. She thinks I'm ****ing someone else. Even when we have lots of sex it still doesn't feel like a relationship. Before we had our child everything was perfect. We never fought, I planned on proposing. She wouldn't try new things in bed but she at least enjoyed it. She Google's a lot of things like "together 4 years not engaged" and "boyfriend doesn't want to have sex anymore". Then she also looks up wedding venues and things like that. I heard her talking to a friend who asked if she thinks we'll get married. My GF's answer was I don't know, depends on (me) I don't think he'll ever ask. She won't take a pregnancy test. She says there is no way she is and that it's too early. I use a condom every time. I wouldn't want her to keep it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 "We used protection every time" probably means you depended on HER to use protection because you were too selfish to use a condom and actually contribute to the contraception effort as well - correct?? So you already have one kid with a woman you can't stand, and now you might possibly have two. I love how people irresponsibly have kids with people they don't feel are good enough to marry because they want to be able to escape when it's convenient. I'm so sorry you're 'stuck,' OP. I'm sorry you didn't have the good sense to be less selfish when it came to birth control and now your girlfriend might end up having to raise TWO small kids on her own so you can go out and be single again and have fun. I'm so sorry your girlfriend has been trying to spice up your sex life but you shoo her away because you're too busy jacking off on Skype with an old 'friend.' Golly, I feel so bad for you. You're a victim. It's not fair, dammit. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 "We used protection every time" probably means you depended on HER to use protection because you were too selfish to use a condom and actually contribute to the contraception effort as well - correct?? So you already have one kid with a woman you can't stand, and now you might possibly have two. I love how people irresponsibly have kids with people they don't feel are good enough to marry because they want to be able to escape when it's convenient. I'm so sorry you're 'stuck,' OP. I'm sorry you didn't have the good sense to be less selfish when it came to birth control and now your girlfriend might end up having to raise TWO small kids on her own so you can go out and be single again and have fun. I'm so sorry your girlfriend has been trying to spice up your sex life but you shoo her away because you're too busy jacking off on Skype with an old 'friend.' Golly, I feel so bad for you. You're a victim. It's not fair, dammit. I used a condom every single time (except once, but that was months ago). She always makes sure I wear one. She isn't on anything because shes breastfeeding our 1.5 year old still. I never said anything about going out and being single again. I wouldn't dump her and never see my kid again. I'd want 50/50 custody. Yes I would feel like an a-hole leaving her and leaving her with a toddler and pregnant. If I didn't care I'd be gone already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Kinl, You need to man up. Propose, and get hitched. Then, work at finding out about the woman you were once in love with. What you are feeling is life. Yes, you rather be single and not have responsibility, but you have. Step up, be a husband and good father. Stop the self abuse, and love the REAL woman in your life. As for her being pregnant, well some women you just have to look at and it happens, It was this way for us, other women it is a problem. Of the two, I thank the heavens we could also have children with no problem. In the long run, look on your children as a blessing. Also, A thought, ever think that most of her issues with SEX is you? Are you going out of your way to meet her needs, are you working to help her through her hang ups. BTW, there are many things in Sex, that just do not excite me nor would I find pleasurable. Not everybody, is into looking a porn, and trying it for ourselfs and are partner. I think as she grows and has more trust in you, this will go away. I wish you luck....... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Stop masterbating to your friend, that's not going to help anything. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Kinl, You need to man up. Propose, and get hitched. Then, work at finding out about the woman you were once in love with. What you are feeling is life. Yes, you rather be single and not have responsibility, but you have. Step up, be a husband and good father. Stop the self abuse, and love the REAL woman in your life. As for her being pregnant, well some women you just have to look at and it happens, It was this way for us, other women it is a problem. Of the two, I thank the heavens we could also have children with no problem. In the long run, look on your children as a blessing. Also, A thought, ever think that most of her issues with SEX is you? Are you going out of your way to meet her needs, are you working to help her through her hang ups. BTW, there are many things in Sex, that just do not excite me nor would I find pleasurable. Not everybody, is into looking a porn, and trying it for ourselfs and are partner. I think as she grows and has more trust in you, this will go away. I wish you luck....... That seems backwards. No? Shouldn't we be happy first then get married. Not enter a marriage with problems. We didn't have sex until 16 months into the relationship. I have never waited that long, I think a month was the longest I waited before her. After that and 4 years together she should trust me in bed. I'm not asking her to do anything extreme. She will only do 3 positions and won't alter them at all. She doesn't vocalize at all, not even moaning. She doesn't really touch me. She never wants to blow me. She doesn't like to kiss during. I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that she was raped. The long wait yes and certain positions that put me in total control, maybe. But not wanting to kiss or touch me, or make any noise, or be on top where she is in total control, no. Before our child was born none of this was an issue. Her delivery nurses said some women have flashbacks or trouble during birth that could last after birth. But she had no problems at all during the delivery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Stop masterbating to your friend, that's not going to help anything. I know that it doesn't help anything. But it makes me feel good and wanted. Something my girlfriend doesn't. I think we would be worse off if I wasn't doing it. If I do it every few days (or more) I'm happier with my girlfriend because I got my "fix". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I know that it doesn't help anything. But it makes me feel good and wanted. Something my girlfriend doesn't. I think we would be worse off if I wasn't doing it. If I do it every few days (or more) I'm happier with my girlfriend because I got my "fix". The ability to justify and rationalize almost anything isn't the same as having good problem solving skills. No one's going to deliver happiness to you, you're going to have to do the work to find it yourself. So far, you're looking in all the wrong places... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 The ability to justify and rationalize almost anything isn't the same as having good problem solving skills. No one's going to deliver happiness to you, you're going to have to do the work to find it yourself. So far, you're looking in all the wrong places... Mr. Lucky How do I find happiness with her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snaggletooth Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 (edited) I know that it doesn't help anything. But it makes me feel good and wanted. Something my girlfriend doesn't. I think we would be worse off if I wasn't doing it. If I do it every few days (or more) I'm happier with my girlfriend because I got my "fix". Man, she's got a little kid to care for. That's the difference from now to before. The time and attention that once went solely to you now goes to the kid, and rightly so. Also, what did the pregnancy do to her body? Is she feeling self conscious about any changes? Do you make her feel good and wanted? Or do you turn her down and whack off to someone else on the net? You're a Father now. You're with a Mother. A Mother that needs a Man by her side. A grown up. Someone who can accept the responsibilities and consequences of a having a child. Someone who can put his wants aside for her needs. You have a kid that needs the same. Instead of furtively beating off and whinging that life is no longer the same, you could be out earning extra money for the kids future, you could be making your woman feel safe, secure and loved, you could be spending time with your child. You know, doing your job, providing, protecting, nurturing, loving, understanding, educating, being a role model and taking pride in it and happiness from it. This is life. Sometimes its tough. W*nking and moaning solves nothing. Edited February 10, 2016 by Snaggletooth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I know that it doesn't help anything. But it makes me feel good and wanted. Something my girlfriend doesn't. I think we would be worse off if I wasn't doing it. If I do it every few days (or more) I'm happier with my girlfriend because I got my "fix". Cheating isn't going to help AT ALL. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 The sex absolutely sucks and has since she had our child. It doesn't feel good for HER no matter what. She doesn't want to try anything new (raped by a BF daily for a few years). WHAT??? She was raped every day for a few years and you expect her not to have any sexual issues and you're mopey about not getting laid enough? The only legit way out of this is if she kept that from you until you were already well into the relationship. Somehow I doubt that tho, so that means you bought in knowing what you were buying. TS if you don't like it now. AND you've got a kid, so sorry but you're all in. The time to get out of this was before it even started. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 She offers daily - soemtimes multiple times a day - even though she has a low sex drive. There is no affection on her side. She never wants to kiss or make out. Don't you realize what a contradiction you just stated inside of two sentences? Her offering *is* affection. You need to google the Five Love Languages. You have already checked out of the relationship if you are jacking off to someone else online. You are cheating on her. Tell her what you are doing and ask her if she still wants someone in her life like that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Everything was wonderful before she gave birth. She's still breastfeeding. She's got a new toddler running around. She's got a cheating partner (She might not be sure but her instincts will be screaming at her)... I'm shocked that you guys are having sex at all. She must love you very much & desperately want her family to survive. She needed you to be with her for ALL of those months before sex to trust you. Ugh!! I know from experience that some people can't feel good about 2 different women at the same time. Being in your affair needs to be justified so you turn yourself against your gf. Does that make sense to you? Can I ask why the delivery nurses spoke to you about her 'triggering'? My delivery nurses knew nothing about me. How did that conversation come-up? To be honest I'm confused by your post. You seem to be doing everything that you can to sabotage this relationship. Do you hate her initiating? How do you feel when you see her breast feeding? Do you have a troubled past? You waited a VERY long time to have sex. You were an understanding, loving partner. Seems strange that having your child seems to be the change... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Man, she's got a little kid to care for. That's the difference from now to before. The time and attention that once went solely to you now goes to the kid, and rightly so. Also, what did the pregnancy do to her body? Is she feeling self conscious about any changes? Do you make her feel good and wanted? Or do you turn her down and whack off to someone else on the net? You're a Father now. You're with a Mother. A Mother that needs a Man by her side. A grown up. Someone who can accept the responsibilities and consequences of a having a child. Someone who can put his wants aside for her needs. You have a kid that needs the same. Instead of furtively beating off and whinging that life is no longer the same, you could be out earning extra money for the kids future, you could be making your woman feel safe, secure and loved, you could be spending time with your child. You know, doing your job, providing, protecting, nurturing, loving, understanding, educating, being a role model and taking pride in it and happiness from it. This is life. Sometimes its tough. W*nking and moaning solves nothing. I fully understand that raising a child is an energy drainer. She complains about that daily. He isn't needy like some kids he's very happy to do his own thing, actually prefers it. He does not sleep through the night though - up every 2 hours from birth.* I understand that her energy needs to go to him and there is none left. But I cannot deal with that forever. She won't send him to daycare until this fall and won't send him to family to babysit (she's let him go twice).* She has no body issues. She was the woman that walked out of the hospital in her size 2 jeans at her previous weight. No stretch marks, no saggy boobs, nothing. So our sex issues aren't that. She doesn't let me make her feel good. I tell her that she's sexy and she says she isn't or that she's fat (she is not).* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 WHAT??? She was raped every day for a few years and you expect her not to have any sexual issues and you're mopey about not getting laid enough? The only legit way out of this is if she kept that from you until you were already well into the relationship. Somehow I doubt that tho, so that means you bought in knowing what you were buying. TS if you don't like it now. AND you've got a kid, so sorry but you're all in. The time to get out of this was before it even started. No, I understood that sex issues could be a possibility. Hence no sex for 16 months. But when we did have sex it was totally "normal". There were some things she wouldn't do but she showed interest, moaned, took control, etc. But after the birth it completely changed. Everything I read said it was hormones and it would go away in 6-12 months. But that has not happened and at this point I think it's an excuse.* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Don't you realize what a contradiction you just stated inside of two sentences? Her offering *is* affection. You need to google the Five Love Languages. You have already checked out of the relationship if you are jacking off to someone else online. You are cheating on her. Tell her what you are doing and ask her if she still wants someone in her life like that. She is only offering because she thinks I want it. She isn't genuine about it and when we do have sex she shows no interest. Basically just lays their while I **** her. Actions speak louder than words.* I'm not going to tell her about me cheating. I know her and she wouldn't want to know (she's said that before). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Everything was wonderful before she gave birth. She's still breastfeeding. She's got a new toddler running around. She's got a cheating partner (She might not be sure but her instincts will be screaming at her)... I'm shocked that you guys are having sex at all. She must love you very much & desperately want her family to survive. She needed you to be with her for ALL of those months before sex to trust you. Ugh!! I know from experience that some people can't feel good about 2 different women at the same time. Being in your affair needs to be justified so you turn yourself against your gf. Does that make sense to you? Can I ask why the delivery nurses spoke to you about her 'triggering'? My delivery nurses knew nothing about me. How did that conversation come-up? To be honest I'm confused by your post. You seem to be doing everything that you can to sabotage this relationship. Do you hate her initiating? How do you feel when you see her breast feeding? Do you have a troubled past? You waited a VERY long time to have sex. You were an understanding, loving partner. Seems strange that having your child seems to be the change... I felt this way about her before I started "cheating". It's been a recent thing while this has been going on for almost 2 years. From what I remember she had to fill out forms while pregnant and submit them to the hospital. There was a section that was optional about sexual assault or trauma that would affect your care. I didn't know she filled it out until the nurses asked if they could speak to her with me present (she said yes of course). I don't think I am purposely sabotaging the relationship. Maybe just saying all the negatives. I would love it for her to initiate but actually mean it. I fully support her breastfeeding. Our child breastfeeds dozens of times a day and night. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Do not get married 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Our child breastfeeds dozens of times a day and night. Your child breastfeeds 36 times a day? Hard to give you feedback if you're not going to be realistic. How do I find happiness with her? By asking yourself how she'll find happiness with you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Your child breastfeeds 36 times a day? Hard to give you feedback if you're not going to be realistic. By asking yourself how she'll find happiness with you... Mr. Lucky I don't sit at home and count every time. He is up every 30 minutes to 2 hours at night and breastfeeds. During the day he is on and off the boob multiple times an hour. He won't use a blankie or lovie, he needs a boob. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I don't sit at home and count every time. He is up every 30 minutes to 2 hours at night and breastfeeds. During the day he is on and off the boob multiple times an hour. He won't use a blankie or lovie, he needs a boob. Then why don't you have her pump her breast milk and you get up with him "every 30 minutes to 2 hours at night" ? I'd be very interested in how much sexual energy you had the next day... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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